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Any good advice appreciated

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pandh200

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OK where to start, I'm a "straight" male, 31 in a 9 year relationship with my girlfriend who I do dearly love. although I'll probably get some abuse for that statement at the end of this thread. At the same time I have been friends with a guy for over ten years, we have been away together, out together and worked together. I've always in the back of my mind fancied men, watched gay porn, the usual horny stuff you do. I have never and would never disclose any of this to my girlfriend. My friend and I have often had heart to hearts, we've once years ago even compared the size of each others penises. but behind all of this, I have always had it bad for him. We have had opportunities when I could have come clean but never have.

however now this is eating me up, I'm not saying I would do anything with him, but everytime I go to bed I'm thinking about him, when I watch porn I'm masturbating to the thoughts of doing something with him. He was over in a pair of shorts last week and I could see his thighs and it got me so excited I had butterflies.

What do I do? come clean, knowing that anything would probably absolutely never happen as I really can't see him commiting any form of sexual act with another man. will I feel better for telling him and if he rejects me finally be able to get him out of my head and enjoy my time with my girlfriend. even if I don't tell him anything should I leave her because I'm having these desires. Any questions, help or advice would be greatly appreciated. I need to sort my head out one way or another. thanks guys x
 
The right advise would be to tell you to be honest with her, as you say i wouldn't really hold out any hope of a future with the guy though, perhaps it'll be the start of you meeting another guy who you can have a future with.

Or you could suggest an open relationship to her, or even threesomes.
 
You sound like a classic bisexual. You've been with her long enough that most states in the US consider that a common law marriage. I believe you love her dearly, and want guys too. I think if the human race was 100% honest, the majority of the population would swing both ways. When you hit a snag is not telling her what you're feeling. Is she uptight? Would she freak out? Would she understand? Would she be okay with you cheating with guys as long as she doesn't have to hear about it? Would she want a 3-way with him? After all these years with her, you know her well enough. If you think she can handle the truth, tell her, but do it gently. Women often say they are "fine" with certain things to keep a guy happy, when they really want to claw your eyes out. How would you react if she told you she wanted women, but wanted to stay with you? This works both ways. As for me, if my boyfriend had a woman on the side that I had to compete with, I'd tell him it's over. Will you feel guilty when you cheat on her with a guy? Would you be able to say no to a guy you wanted? The problem with these feelings is that they don't go away, they increase.
Are there other guys you want, or just him. After all these years being just friends with him, a casual sexual encounter won't work. You can't blow and go, you two are too close. Has he ever expressed desire for you? Eye contact is everything. Just because you can't picture him having gay sex doesn't mean he won't, some pretty butch guys are pretty gay. After all these years he must trust you, so I would confide in him exactly what you told us here. A real friend would let you down nicely, or take you up on your offer. But clearing things with her comes first. You don't want to put him in the middle of a love triangle. I hope your girlfriend doesn't own a gun.
If he isn't interested are you still going to be on the hunt for some dick? Most likely. Are you only interested in guys for sex, or do you want a relationship? At least you're not one of those closet cases that goes fucking and sucking random guys you meet at a sex club, then go give your wife a disease. If I were you, I'd have to break up with her and try guys to see if it satisfies. You might find sucking a big thick dick, or getting screwed senseless, is just what the doctor ordered.
There aren't many options: cheat on her, have an open relationship (where she can fuck around too), or keep your mouth shut. You don't want to end up an elderly man who never explored your sexual fantasies.
 
I am in a similar situation. My wife knows that I am Bi, but we have never really discussed what that means. I would love to suck a dick... LOVE IT... but I am also committed to not hurting my wife. I am sure if I talked to her about it, she would be ok, but I guess I just haven't accepted myself yet enough to talk with her about it.

Regarding your gentleman friend... tell him. I have told several of my male friends that I want their dick and while none of them took me up on it, I now know their stance. It doesn't lessen your desire though. It seems like you will eventually go crazy though if you don't open up and tell everyone everything. Be yourself and if they love you, they will accept you... it will be a bumpy road though.
 
If you love your girlfriend and have been happy with her for 9 years, don't throw that away lightly. There's no reason to end that relationship, at least not yet, just for the possibility of your male friend returning your advances.

If you and your buddy have heart to heart talks, just bring this up in stages. I wouldn't start by saying you've been lusting after him, instead I'd start by mentioning that as much as you love your girlfriend, you sometimes like watching gay porn, and see how he reacts to that. If it doesn't freak him out, then you might mention that you've been curious what it might be like to be with a guy (because guys know their own equipment better than women do and therefore probably give better blow jobs, etc.). If you guys have compared the size of each others' dicks, which is something I never did with any of my buddies when I was straight, then there's a good chance he's at least bi-curious, but you're still better off (and less likely to lose a friend) if you ease toward it gently, and that gives you the chance to back off as soon as you see any sign he's uncomfortable.

Getting back to your girlfriend, an open relationship and threesomes might be options too, like Cormac said. You'd want to suggest those in stages too. I've never done either so don't have any firsthand advice, though.
 
Faithful is the same regardless of gender - the question is not should you go with your mate but do you want to be faithful to your girlfriend - if the answer is no then at least be honest
 
I'll give you my viewpoint. I'm not saying I'm right or wrong, or anyone else's replies are right or wrong.

I have been in a long term relationship with a woman. I will once in awhile have a desire to just get off. Recently, I had the opportunity (for my first time) to jack off with a buddy of mine. He has a girlfriend too.

We were watching porn, and it felt good having someone else touch your dick. I don't have feelings for him, we didn't make out, we simply massaged each other's dicks. If my wife fingered her friend just so they could both get off while watching porn, and I never knew about it, I would not care. If her friend had genital herpes and she ate her out, and then blew me, I would be upset.

Bottom line is, if you are safe while you are messing around, you are simply two guys just trying to get each other off. At the end of the day, you are an organism with a physiological need to get off once in awhile. I do not know why people make sex out to be such a big deal. I do not tell my wife everytime I watch porn (although she knows I do) and I do not tell her everytime I jack off.
 
Not enough information. You said you "dearly love" her but didn't mention if you're still sexually attracted to her. You said you're sexually attracted to him but didn't mention any romantic attraction.

pandh200 said:
will I feel better for telling him and if he rejects me finally be able to get him out of my head and enjoy my time with my girlfriend
Click to expand...
You said you've always fancied men, so it sounds like even if it's not with him that need to try gay sex is not gonna go away.
 
Sebazz said:
Not enough information. You said you "dearly love" her but didn't mention if you're still sexually attracted to her. You said you're sexually attracted to him but didn't mention any romantic attraction.

You said you've always fancied men, so it sounds like even if it's not with him that need to try gay sex is not gonna go away.
Click to expand...

I agree.
Also, don't rule out talking to a professional.
 
You've been with her 9 years and you're not married? Doesn't she want to have children? Have you considered that you're wasting her time, that she should find a guy who's committed enough to get married. OTH maybe neither of you are committed enough to marry, and waiting for someone better to come along.

I hope both of you are still in your twenties.
 
Agree totally. I love my wife but I love having sex with my fuck buddy and it's just sex nothing else. My wife has no clue an never w
will. Go for it.
 
You're gotta get a lot of differing perspectives on this, but none are right or wrong, necessarily.

Regardless of any sexual relation with your guy friend or not, your feelings will only get stronger, nor will they go away, so, ask yourself if you're ready to spread your wings and experiment. If this is the case, you owe it to your girlfriend and come clean; doesn't necessarily mean that you tell her you want to go with guys, but tell her you need a break. If you love each other enough, you circle back.

On your male BFF - since you've known each other for so long - and since your gut says that he might never try anything, your intuition is prob right on. If you took a break from your girlfriend in order to try something with him remember to set your expectations low (before you throw things away with your girlfriend); that situation might not necessarily work out.

Let's say you also tell your friend that you have feelings for him, does your gut tell you that even if he's not interested, that he's still comfortable with your friendship? Is he gay or straight? If "straight" and y'all experiment, remember that you gotta be pragmatic about it all with no emotions, because this is how a lot of guys approach sex.

Just remember that it's not necessarily all about him as it is your latent desire for guys coming to the forefront - and finally learning about oneself.
 
^ I totally agree with Texan. There is no right or wrong. Being Bi gives us many options and sometimes confusion. It sounds like you are confused and conflicted all at once. Express this to them both and disclose whatever you choose. If your craving for your best mate is becoming overwhelmingly sexual, you need to rethink your relationship. You can love him with all your heart and enjoy the beauty of him without sex. I'd never trade the love of my best mate for the world. He knows I'm bi and sometimes teases me, but we've got each other completely. Our lives are better for our friendship and to use his words, "Whatever makes you happy but we're not going to fuck because I don't roll that way. I need your friendship so let's just fuck other people."
 
Appreciate it guys. I'm going to leave it now. whatever will be will be if its meant to happen I suppose
 
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