Anybody else's dad never there for you?

[Shookone88]

It makes my life so depressing and dull. After my brother graduated from highschool and left the house, my parents divorced. They divorced because they got drunk every SINGLE day and each day always ended up physical, blood ridden fights.

Then when I was 14 after the divorce they made me choose which one to live with. They didn't give me any options (like live one place for a few months, then switch over). They just blatantly made me choose to who stay with and that was it. I ended up saying that I would live with my mom. (please keep in mind that I am a very quiet obeying person. I never really caused any trouble. I always just sat with my brother and watched what was going on.)

Ever since then, he has taken everything from me. He paid for my brother's college and all living expenses, and when I graduated he told me since I chose to live with mom, he wouldn't give me anything at all. When I bring up little things like "I need some new tires on my car soon", he says "too bad, ask your mother for help."
My dad is a doctor and my mom worked for him. She's been unemployed for as long as i can remember.

One day he told me to come over to his house to see him. He wasn't there. He left a copy of his will on the living room table just sitting there. In it, it said all of his properties and assets go to my brother only.

I don't care about the money. I just don't know what his fucking problem is. We never fought or anything.

Since then I have moved away from my hometown, and my brother calls me occasionally to tell me about how our dad has come to visit him. I've been living here for 5 years and he's never visited me.

I'm glad that my brother was able to leave before all this happened. But I feel betrayed, abandoned, and unloved. Maybe I shouldn't have chosen to live with my mom because she is slightly more "down-to-earth" and would have not done the same thing my dad does.

Even before the divorce, he seemed to just care about his beer and nothing else.

I really don't know the purpose of posting this, I guess I just needed to rant. Like somehow it will help..

 

[Rand]

188,


Although it may be tough, I do hope you are able to celebrate your life and find that life is not only good, but worth celebrating. It is indeed unfortunate that we do not get to pick our parents; it is even sadder that such an important role / job as parenting is left to so many unqualified, unprepared and unworthy people as it is.

That you were regulated to a tool of your parents' hatred is sad. Given the attitude and behavior of your dad, it seems you were better off with your mother. At least she has not taught you to hate. My hope for you is that you can divorce yourself from all of that noise and live your life, find happiness in being you and find someone to love and to grow with.

Best of luck, warmest of thoughts and wishes go out to you.

Rand

 

[inimegblue]

The first thing I would suggest you do is let YOURSELF off the hook for choosing to stay with your mom. You were 14....the same age your dad seems to be emotionally.

My father was also abusive and always treated my half brothers better than me. I wish there was something I could share with you that would make the situation better for you, but the truth is it wont be easy for you, but you can't give up. Rejection is never easy and rejection from a parent is that much worse, which means you will probably have to work ten times harder to accept yourself in spite of him. The problem is with him, not you. Please know that!

It's not that your brother is better than you or even that he loves him more than you (if at all), it's just that your brother done what he wanted him to do. There's no gray area with manipulative parents (or people period)...it's simply their way or the highway. Again this is HIS problem.

It's good that you moved away because it gives you the opportunity to build a new and better life on your own terms. This is a very supportive place so anytime you need to vent and you have nowhere else to turn do so. Best of luck and brighter days.

 

[onetwothreefour]

You have survived emotional abuse and neglect from your parents and your dad has the gall to make it sound like you were the perpetrator and not the victim. Being around you in an intoxicated state, abusing each other physically in front of you, divorcing in such an abrupt way and forcing you to choose to live exclusively with one parent or another all count as emotional abuse in my book. I wish there were a way someone could have helped you because your situation shouldn't have been allowed to stand unrectified. It sounds like your dad might still be a little kid, and I am sorry he is not there for you as he should be. If you want to have a relationship with him, I think you need to be less shy and open to teaching him how to treat you correctly and telling him exactly how he has emotionally abused you and continues to. I wouldn't spare his feelings. He has already been reckless with your feelings. He started an unprovoked attack; he either needs to make amends or you should accept how he is and move on without him, but I would try to avoid absorbing any more of his blows. I am very sorry for what he has done to you.

 

[CraigSydney]

Shookone88, I know how you feel.

I have been distant with my father since I was in Primary school. I am now 24. I don't want to get into the reasons, but I definitely want to say you made the right decision about who to live with (even though to see exclusively only one parent is a horrible thing to choose). I've been lucky in the past couple of years in that I have become close to some work friends who are my father's age and have become sort of father-figures for me (in a way - it never replaces the real one).

I once read that when your parents are near death, they question whether they have been good parents and I am hope that at, at least, that moment, the dads (and mums) of the world will ask that question.

All the best.

 

[Seasoned]

Your dad is a dick and a low life form whose thought process has been affected by alcoholism. I feel for his patients.

If you have a reasonable relationship with your brother he may give you half of his inheritance. I never understood why more families didn't correct unfair wills on their own.

So I think the first thing you need is a heart to heart with your bother. The second is some counseling or therapy over the issue of being an adult child of an alcoholic(s). There are also plenty of books on the subject in the self-help section of the bookstore or library. ACOA Al-Aonon 12-step meetings might also be taking place in your area.

I wish I knew the man who has disowned you. As a dad, I'd have something to say. Boy, am I pissed.

Please pm me anytime.

 

[anchihiro]

Are you out to him? Could that be the reason for his behaviour?

Either way your dad's a dick. Sorry. It's immature and childish to play these games. I agree have a talk with your brother about this one sided favouritism.
How has your mother treated your other brother, same as you?

 

[rareboy]

Your father is an asshat.

Pray he dies and then contest the will.

 

[cliffdweller]

Ouch. Yeah, your dad's an abusive, immature asshole. It sucks and unfortunately, we don't get to pick our parents. Some of us have to make our own families.

My dad was never there for me when I was growing up. Not abusive, but cold and indifferent.

 

[shainski]

I feel for you.

I hope for you that you find a way to be great without your dad. I hope you learn to live without needing his approval. I hope you become successful without his money.

At 14, you were faced with an impossible decision. To punish you for making the "wrong" choice is a sign that your dad has low self-esteem. He felt rejected and hurt. But that is his issue - not yours.

He won't change. You have to learn with him as he is or learn to live without him.

But don't hope that he changes - don't allow him that kind of control over you.

I hope you have a close enough relationship with your brother that you can tell him about how you are treated so that he doesn't bring up things between them. Ask your brother not to mention your dad to you.

I hope you have gone (or are going) to college on your own. I agree with seasoned - Go to Al-anon. Get help with those who have been through it.

my best to you.

 

[Louis1992]

My father never was on my life... its a shame for him. he just left when i was like 4 . lol neither me or my mom hates him , but what he lost will never happen again.

 

[KaraBulut]

But I feel betrayed, abandoned, and unloved. Maybe I shouldn't have chosen to live with my mom because she is slightly more "down-to-earth"...

You're kidding yourself. If you would have chosen to live with your Dad, you would have still been in the middle of his childish games. And you would have still been a pawn that he used in his war with your mother.

You know, sometimes you just have to put negative and unhealthy people out of your life. That's a terrible thing to say about a parent and perhaps someday if your father sobers up and deals with his underlying problems, that might change.

Focus on your own happiness. Focus on being the better person. Focus on being a better father than the one you had if you chosen to have your own children.

And stop looking back. He's really part of your past.

 

[RhyRhy]

My Dad was NEVER around in my childhood, he was a farmer and a railroader. The only time my Dad was ever around was our 1-2 week vacation to a trail ride we took every year. Most of my memories of my Dad are negative or involve beatings and abuse. I remember one time I stepped on a nail and I was freaking out (I was under the age of 6) and he hit me so hard I had to skip two weeks of school so social services wouldn't get called. There were times he him me so hard I'd fall off of the tractor we were on, or I would go flying across the barn, etc. Up until age 25 or so I remember getting beaten. Then my Mom died. Awhile later he started drinking. He came home and was drunk and tried beating on me. By this point I had 100lbs or more on him. He hit me once, I said stop. He hit me again, I said shame on me, he hit me the third time and he wound up flying down the hall way, past the kitchen table, and into the kitchen. While he was laying on the floor I went to my gun cabinet, grabbed my glock, went into the kitchen, put my boot on his chest and I said "The next time you want to throw a punch, remember this queer carries a Glock and out shoots every deputy in the county"

 

[sumthenliekdis]

To be blunt.... the OPs dad sounds like an ass and your parents seem selfish- you should not put a teen through that. You honorably had the right to raise hell.

 

[bhandsome]

The best advice I can give you is: Do not live your life regretting decisions you had no control over. If your Dad wants to be immature that's his problem, not yours! If he wants to hold grudge against you and be unsupportive, that's his loss and you don't need him in your life.