I had figured I would tell them both together (I don't really see one being much more supportive than the other), and I'd prefer to address their absurd viewpoints right away in my own words.
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Anyone come out to family with deep prejudices?
- Thread starter hotatlboi
- Start date
I had figured I would tell them both together (I don't really see one being much more supportive than the other), and I'd prefer to address their absurd viewpoints right away in my own words.
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Reading back through the thread, I was looking for your motivation for wanting to tell them.
If this is still your motivation, then good luck.
My only suggestion to you is- in spite of your agnosticism- to seek out more liberal religious viewpoints on the issue of homosexuality. The issue of your disbelief will be as much of a problem as your sexuality. And from your family's viewpoint, they have failed because not only are you gay, you're also a non-believer. It's going to be a battle and not a pretty one, I'm afraid.
hotatlboi said:
If this is still your motivation, then good luck.
My only suggestion to you is- in spite of your agnosticism- to seek out more liberal religious viewpoints on the issue of homosexuality. The issue of your disbelief will be as much of a problem as your sexuality. And from your family's viewpoint, they have failed because not only are you gay, you're also a non-believer. It's going to be a battle and not a pretty one, I'm afraid.
bankside
JUB 10k Club
The issue of [STRIKE]your disbelief[/STRIKE] your parents' likely prejudice toward agnostics, atheists, non-believers, or non-christians will be [STRIKE]as much of a problem as[/STRIKE] probably a bigger problem than their reaction to your sexuality.
I stand by my previous advice. Have a firm, direct, polite conversation. You can anticipate that they might behave badly. If they do it is important not to get caught up in that kind of outburst, nor to humour it. This isn't a negotiation; you're telling them something that is a fact, like the sun rising in the east. It's okay if it turns into an emotional conversation for you or for them, but the minute it becomes hard to have a respectful conversation, then it is time to go. The rest is up to them.
I wonder how I would feel if someone told me that oceans are filled with water, the south pole is cold, and the moon goes around the earth. There are some things your parents just don't have a choice about, and this is one of them.
May this opportunity to know you better open new doors for them.
TX-Beau
FEAR THE LIBERAL DETENTE!
I told my very Southern Baptist parents like this, I took them out to dinner - knowing that like all properly raised Southern ladies my mom (who was the biggest concern) would not make a scene in public. Especially about this, which of course she didn't want anyone else to hear.
I agree that it's important not to get into confrontation about it. People say things they might not have said in heated argument. Plus they say things they might not say if they haven't thought about what to say.
I also agree that if you bring their religion into it, that will be interpreted as an attack on them on a very visceral level. If you start arguing the bible with them, they will see that as you telling them that the religion they care very much about is wrong. It will make religion the issue, to your detriment.
You can't argue Biblicaly with people who already KNOW what god wants. It's futile.
There are different ways to go about this, you could write them a letter. You could do this in person, however you do it you should make a careful plan about how you are going to act and what you are going to say, covering as many contingencies as possible.
If they bring up religion, disengage. If they say it's a sin, say something like:
"...I'm not going to debate theology,"
then don't. Remember, there's nothing that says you have to stand there and argue this out with them. Once you've said what you have to say, you're not required to sit there and justify yourself.
It's better anyway to give them time to think, so no one gets carried away in the heat of the moment.
I agree that it's important not to get into confrontation about it. People say things they might not have said in heated argument. Plus they say things they might not say if they haven't thought about what to say.
I also agree that if you bring their religion into it, that will be interpreted as an attack on them on a very visceral level. If you start arguing the bible with them, they will see that as you telling them that the religion they care very much about is wrong. It will make religion the issue, to your detriment.
You can't argue Biblicaly with people who already KNOW what god wants. It's futile.
There are different ways to go about this, you could write them a letter. You could do this in person, however you do it you should make a careful plan about how you are going to act and what you are going to say, covering as many contingencies as possible.
If they bring up religion, disengage. If they say it's a sin, say something like:
"...I'm not going to debate theology,"
then don't. Remember, there's nothing that says you have to stand there and argue this out with them. Once you've said what you have to say, you're not required to sit there and justify yourself.
It's better anyway to give them time to think, so no one gets carried away in the heat of the moment.
Yeah I realize the whole religion thing is going to make it much more difficult.
It's going to have to come up at some point I'm sure, since they still think I share their beliefs. So they are immediately going to want to know how I reconcile being gay with the Bible condemning gays. I'll at least have to tell them that that isn't a problem for me since I no longer share their religious beliefs.
But I do see what you are saying about not getting into an argument over that. If it gets into a religious debate right away, I'm sure it will go downhill really quick.
Although, the religion thing is kind of part of this whole process for me too. I'm sick of having to cover it up when they call and ask if I have a girlfriend, but I'm also sick of having to avoid discussing religion when they call and ask me to pray for something and stuff like that.
It's going to have to come up at some point I'm sure, since they still think I share their beliefs. So they are immediately going to want to know how I reconcile being gay with the Bible condemning gays. I'll at least have to tell them that that isn't a problem for me since I no longer share their religious beliefs.
But I do see what you are saying about not getting into an argument over that. If it gets into a religious debate right away, I'm sure it will go downhill really quick.
Although, the religion thing is kind of part of this whole process for me too. I'm sick of having to cover it up when they call and ask if I have a girlfriend, but I'm also sick of having to avoid discussing religion when they call and ask me to pray for something and stuff like that.
yes this is the way it needs to go I think. I'm sure their idea of gay being a sin (which implies it is a choice) will come up right away. It's important that they understand that it is not a choice and is simply a fact.
I thought about this way also. I'm generally much better at writing than speaking, so it would be easier that way, but I was thinking maybe that would seem to impersonal. On the plus side though I guess it would avoid any chance of a shouting match or irrational display of emotion right away.
Lube
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I think you've really got your act together, and you'll do fine. You sound very confident (even if you may be shaking in your boots!)
Yes, tell them in person. Letters work in some instances, but in this case a face-to-face would be better. You can push aside their ignorant comments right away.
Educate them. Even if they act like they're not listening.
Good luck and let us know how it goes!
Yes, tell them in person. Letters work in some instances, but in this case a face-to-face would be better. You can push aside their ignorant comments right away.
Educate them. Even if they act like they're not listening.
Good luck and let us know how it goes!
ok, took me longer than it should have but I finally told my dad last night. 
Moltenrock was correct (and I was wrong) on the suspecting question. He said that he had kind of thought I might be gay for a long time.
He said that while he didn't approve of it due to his religious beliefs, he wasn't going to try to change me or make a huge argument or conflict out of it because he didn't want it to ruin our relationship, which I think realistically was about the best reaction I could have hoped for.
I still haven't told him I'm not part of his religion anymore, but I'm sure that will come soon enough. I really felt like the key to making this a success was to not get into any kind of religious argument during the initial discussion, and so I never brought up anything to do with that. I think in situations like this, if you immediately force them into a choice between their religion and you, it isn't going to go as well.
I also told my Dad that I haven't been as close to him as I had wanted partly due to this and what I felt his viewpoint on it was, and said that I hoped we could communicate better now that this is out there, and he seemed agreeable to that.
I think it was overall decently successful for me and so I hope other guys can see this as an example that even if your families religious nonsense is totally fucked up (see above) that doesn't necessarily mean they will reject you completely.
I told my brother a few months ago and he seemed ok with it, didn't really bring it up or treat me any differently after I told him.
Moltenrock was correct (and I was wrong) on the suspecting question. He said that he had kind of thought I might be gay for a long time.
He said that while he didn't approve of it due to his religious beliefs, he wasn't going to try to change me or make a huge argument or conflict out of it because he didn't want it to ruin our relationship, which I think realistically was about the best reaction I could have hoped for.
I still haven't told him I'm not part of his religion anymore, but I'm sure that will come soon enough. I really felt like the key to making this a success was to not get into any kind of religious argument during the initial discussion, and so I never brought up anything to do with that. I think in situations like this, if you immediately force them into a choice between their religion and you, it isn't going to go as well.
I also told my Dad that I haven't been as close to him as I had wanted partly due to this and what I felt his viewpoint on it was, and said that I hoped we could communicate better now that this is out there, and he seemed agreeable to that.
I think it was overall decently successful for me and so I hope other guys can see this as an example that even if your families religious nonsense is totally fucked up (see above) that doesn't necessarily mean they will reject you completely.
I told my brother a few months ago and he seemed ok with it, didn't really bring it up or treat me any differently after I told him.
U
uslad7
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Glad to hear that 
You're one of the lucky ones mate.
You're one of the lucky ones mate.Congrats man,i know how long you have waited for this.Did your dad mention if your mom had similar suspicions or if they had spoken on the subject?Maybe have him there when you tell your mom,if he hasnt already had a quiet word.
By what you have written about your family,i believe that given a little time,they will all come to accept you and this will be one of those non issues but is not really mentioned in everyday talk.
Good luck with the rest of them.
By what you have written about your family,i believe that given a little time,they will all come to accept you and this will be one of those non issues but is not really mentioned in everyday talk.
Good luck with the rest of them.
thefishinthesea23
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Oh stories like this make my eyes moist 
and give me hope for my own coming out. Good for you!
and give me hope for my own coming out. Good for you!My mom passed away from cancer earlier this year, that is one of the reasons I waited this long since I didn't want to add more issues to my dad's life while he was going through that.
Well, that didn't last long.
Just had a huge argument with my dad where he spouted all the usual bullshit, that being gay is a choice and is wrong, it's a sin, that I need to turn to Jesus for forgiveness and change, etc.
Then he said I'm not welcome in his home if I'm going to be open and honest because he can't have his younger daughter thinking that being gay is acceptable.
Seems the religious nonsense is too hard for some people to get rid of.
Then he acted like HE is the victim because me being gay will cause him to cry every night to God that I will change and that he will be sad all the time.
Just had a huge argument with my dad where he spouted all the usual bullshit, that being gay is a choice and is wrong, it's a sin, that I need to turn to Jesus for forgiveness and change, etc.
Then he said I'm not welcome in his home if I'm going to be open and honest because he can't have his younger daughter thinking that being gay is acceptable.
Seems the religious nonsense is too hard for some people to get rid of.
Then he acted like HE is the victim because me being gay will cause him to cry every night to God that I will change and that he will be sad all the time.
Rolyo85
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Well I would suggest a compassionate version of giving him the finger.
Ganoderma
JUB Addict
hi Hotatlboi,
Well, you are 26 and seem to have a nice car (joking) and you don't live anymore at the house of your dad.
OK, so you are an adult, and the education of your parents is finished.
I would not bother anymore about such a narrow-minded guy. Definately, he is very very scared for the day when he must explain to all his reli-fundi friends that you will go to Hell [and that he awfully failed, because he has raised a son who is gay but who does not want to listen to him anymore].
And you stopped with being religious, so this does not mean anything for you. Well, you are not welcome anymore to his house, and it seems that your brother (and maybe some other members of your family as well) don't bother too much.
That's how this kind of things happen. You won't change, you won't hide a (future) boyfriend, and you go on with living a successfull life.
And he?
Praying night after night and all night that his sweet lil daughter will not find out that [things which cannot be told]??
How must he explain that you don't visit him (and your sister) anymore? People around him will ask (likely, when they are family orientated).
I don't know, what he will do. His position is weak. Likely, he is very angry on you, and that he is blaming you. Because you are his open GAY son who is a successfull guy, and has a god job (and so on, I am assuming) and that does not fit in his 'scheme'.
So what must he do? Send you to New Zealand, or to Mongolia?
I would like to wish you all the best. Go on with your life, and don't spend any time with debating with narrow-minded relifundi christians.
Best wishes & feel free to react.
Yeah I told him that if he ever changed his mind and could accept me or wanted to learn what being gay really means and unlearn his prejudices that I was open to talk, but that I didn't need any more of his negative condemnation in my life so if that's all he had that I would prefer not speaking.
