Anyone Else Feel Like They're Fighting an Uphill Battle with Dating Standards?

[erobert]

The reason I ask is because I went on a couple of first dates this week (no second dates) resulted from them) which have left my confidence bruised and battered.... I almost feel like if you don't look like a hot college jock and/ or don't have a six figure job you're practically out of luck in the gay dating world. On top of all that you need to travel to exotic locations frequently and an incredible personality. These type of guys are indeed very desirable but also make up a very small percentage of the gay community. Even after factoring in bi guys in as well but it seems every guy is fixated on guys like this ignoring everyone else.

I'm a bit in the skinny side but I've been told I'm handsome and consider myself reasonably intelligent who brings a lot to the table but most guys I'm into but many of them won't know that because I don't look like the guys they lust after in the gym.... I've given up in hanging out in Boystown because I can't compete physically with most of the sceney guys there since most of them have six packs and are muscular.

One of my dates judged me for my new job I excitedly spoke about since it's "not a high paying job" and asked what kind of car I had. I got up and walked out telling him I I didn't need to be judged like that- first time I've got up and walked out on a date in anger.

Another one a few days later was my type and it went much better but for whatever reason halfway through dinner he seemed to loose interest. "What am I doing/ saying that's wrong?" I thought in frustration. He even wrote in his initial message to me that I seem like a "great guy!"

A few days later a guy who wasn't really my type made me really wonder what I'm doing wrong or if this is some residual karma for something I did in the past.....

Just a bit frustrated since I putting myself out there as the best version of me (instead of trying to be a college jock which I'm not) can't seem to attract the kind of guys I'm interested in and when I do their standards are so high I wonder how many guys can actually meet them.

I met all of them through online dating sites, which I think is part of the problem. I'm switching exclusively to seeking friends through local organizations, volunteering, groups where we all share a mutual interest and they're less of a high pressure environment where the other guy expects to be impressed/ click in 5 seconds or less like they're Simon Cowell judging auditions.

I'm a bit perplexed also since it's bizarre I've found the gay dating scene more difficult here in my home city of Chicago than in NYC so far. You'd expect it to be the other way around but it comes down to the person which makes me wonder if maybe my dating skills need brushing up or what.

Sorry for the long post but I've had this on my chest all week and needed to get it off. How do you handle high standards

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

I deal with people who actually want me. You should try it sometime.

 

[heir-to-the-wind]

Who or what is your ''type.'' Everyone is searching for a ''type'' -- some impossible ideal -- instead of someone to love.

 

[eastofeden]

If you want out of the cycle...find out how you contribute to it yourself.

How many guys do you reject or show no interest in? Think of it that way so you don't get a me vs the world syndrome.

You seem to feel like these guys meet your standard...eh? So....who doesn't meet your standard? Do you feel like your rejects might feel the same way you do about being rejected? What would you say to them if they asked you why?

 

[checkinthingsout]

If you tell us a bit more about who you are and why someone should or should not date you, and what specifically happened on date 2, we can better assess what you are doing wrong.

My suspicion is that you are eliminating yourself based on something you are projecting, whether it is how you speak about yourself or what values you communicate verbally and non verbally.

Also, what specifically, is the type of guy you are into?

 

[mcbrion]

Who says you're doing "something wrong" other than, as the author of the 1993 book, "Are You The One for Me? Knowing Who's Right and Avoiding Who's Wrong" once wrote, giving them your phone number? Or Maybe you pick guys who make you feel not very good about yourself, in which case, if this is a pattern, then you might want to look for a therapist to assist in helping you work through this.

 

[jbrown329]

I don't know anything about Chicago so I don't know what's available there for you. Is there an LGBT center? If so, check it out. It's not a place to hookup. It would be a place to meet people and build a network.

 

[CochondeMontreal]

Hey buddy, I know exactly how you feel. In my mid-30's and I've never had a boyfriend. I most likely never will and lucky for me I've made peace with that.

The dating scene is an uphill battle, and dude I'm a guy who hots the gym 3 - 4 days a week. I've been rejected by people that I wasn't even into! Check this out my last hook up. I think about two months ago. This guy sends me a message telling I'm hot, blah, blah, blah... We exchanged pics and I thought he was ok. I'm so desperate I'll go with anyone. He starts being demanding. Saying hr wants more pics. Starts going off about all the things he's like to do, etc.

He was in the city for a couple of nights. I was really busy when he sent me a text saying he wanted to hook up. I said 'dude I've been at work all day, I'm getting out of the gym and I have to prepare for tomorrow and get up early. I suggested another day and he said if I wanted to meet it would tonight. So I took a chance and went. He claimed to be staying at a particular hotel, told me to wait at the bar for him. So I did. I send him a text saying I'm in the lobby. He said he'd be coming d

 

[CochondeMontreal]

Hey buddy, I know exactly how you feel. In my mid-30's and I've never had a boyfriend. I most likely never will and lucky for me I've made peace with that.

The dating scene is an uphill battle, and dude I'm a guy who hots the gym 3 - 4 days a week. I've been rejected by people that I wasn't even into! Check this out my last hook up. I think about two months ago. This guy sends me a message telling I'm hot, blah, blah, blah... We exchanged pics and I thought he was ok. I'm so desperate I'll go with anyone. He starts being demanding. Saying hr wants more pics. Starts going off about all the things he's like to do, etc.

He was in the city for a couple of nights. I was really busy when he sent me a text saying he wanted to hook up. I said 'dude I've been at work all day, I'm getting out of the gym and I have to prepare for tomorrow and get up early. I suggested another day and he said if I wanted to meet it would tonight. So I took a chance and went. He claimed to be staying at a particular hotel, told me to wait at the bar for him. So I did. I send him a text saying I'm in the lobby. He said he'd be coming down. Turns out, he wasn't staying at the hotel but rather elsewhere. First flag: he's a liar. When I see him, he is nothing like his pic. Nothing. He is a lot older, balding and fatter. And these are not the things that bugged me, it was that he lied. But I had travelled across the city, it was late and I thought, why not. He might've a nice guy. The whole time he asked m what I like to do with guys. Then he asked me if hooking up in Montreal was easy. He bitched about Toronto guys, and how guys on manhunt are flaky and never come through. He said he'd like to take me on a proper date; dinner the works. And I thought to myself: well we're already here, let's have dinner. He asked if I'd want to go back to his room. So I went. Once there he was being just as demanding. Told me to take a shower, told me to suck his dick. I would ask him if he would stimulate me and kept saying 'just a minute, just a minute' so he's ready to shoot his wad and turns me on my stomach, cums all over my ass and says he has to get up early. Tells me I'm not getting dressed quick enough. Done.

I actually was pissed. But I said nothing. Oh, that was the other thing. We were back in his room at a totally different hotel from where he asked me to meet him and he wanted to watch trump's speech. Really?

Anyway, I didn't say anything to him. What's the point. He said he would text me for that date. I said 'sure man' and I left. I honesty felt like a hooker that had been ripped off. And I can say this with veracity because in my 20's I did turn tricks.

I got home at midnight. Still had to eat, prep for work, etc. but before I did any of that I deleted ALL my net profiles, because this wasn't the first time I had been dupped like this.

Currently things are different for me in that I'm busy. I'm busy as hell. So busy I don't even have time to masturbate. iWork five days a week at an engineering firm, I'm in grad school full time and Saturday over night I work at absthhouse. I hot the gym 3 - 4 times a week, so my time is rigid. In a week I'll be 37. I'm old now. I'm jaded, and i'mtired. Too tired to think about relationships, too busy to find the time, and it seems to me that guys are not worth deviating from my goals.

Now I just wanna make money. Maybe later in life I'll get a sex worker to spend a weekend with and live out all those things I could not in my youth. Love is like porn; it only happens in the movies. No, there isn't someone for everyone. No, men are not like buses.

My advice: get busy. Get so busy you won't think about it. If you get horny just masturbate. Once you jerk off the urge goes away. The challenge is the urge. Get over that you're winning. Good luck.

 

[jbrown329]

I'm not so nice. He would've gotten an earful. I don't have a cellphone, so I don't use apps. Besides, that's not the type of person I am. I've never been into the wham bam thank you ma'am hookups. If I can't meet them in a public place, say a restaurant, and talk a bit, no go. I want to get a feel of who I'm dealing with. I don't feel like bringing a crazed serial killer home. I had one fairly bad encounter shortly after I came out and I swore never again.

In Chicago you have to have a shitload more options than I do where I am. Here it's 2 bars, bathroom stalls, 3 or 4 parks or Craigslist. And 80% or more on Craigs are tweakers. You do that shit, I don't want you within 100 miles of me. You want to snort a line (Coke)? Go for it. You want to roast a doobie? Go for it. I won't partake, but I don't care if they do.

 

[RicanKicks]

I'm going to totally disregard your story and tell MY own. Don't mind me.
Let's just keep it short and sweet I have daddy issues I'm more than sure, and a inferiority complex I love to play with.. just stings the right kind of good. I am the middle brother of 5 and unfortunately I'm the only one who is gay and the runt. That being said I am 5'9 and filled out pretty well now I my late twenties. Quite frankly I'm one handsome muscular body because of my obsession with the gym and I LOVE playing the straight guy. Everybody likes me that way better anyways

I have always had issues with my body I was always feeling too small and skinny, among other things.. >_>
Back in high school girls thought I was harmless and cute, they would date me a few days and break up with me the next. I never really inspired sexual arousal out of a female unless she was usually fat or kind of unattractive.. which would piss me off seeing those "hotter" sluts melt for badass looking fly dudes who just oozed masculinity. Yet I was there on the side skinny as ever and bug eyed and timid yet inside me burned a rage and fire. Some guys would call me a f@g and call me out embarrassing me. Some girls would too and I had one bitch actually have the audacity to tell me I'd made a cute gay guy, and better yet I'd make a better female that I should get a sex change.. worst part is she was being genuine and sincere and she thought it was a compliment. Again, would piss me off how my peers had this stigma of me. So I hit the weights get good at sports surprisingly soccer and JV wrestling is all I could amount to but I get good and I get to be a boy. People now see me different I'm wild I'm not timid and most importantly I can go!

After high school I start getting curious. I had met a few guys but it felt gross. We didnt click or i didnr fmd them attravtive so id walk put on them and some would walk out on me and we didn't do anything. I went to a guys house once and he loved that I was latino but he thought I was underage despite me being 22, so he out of panicked told me to leave.. met a real hot older white guy who was maybe 35. Told me to open the door and I lied about my dick size. He wanted 8 I said I was 8.. tsk tsk. I came within 30 seconds of that beefy man ass.. he told me "that was nice" and never again let me hit it. Then I
meet with this super hot Mexican dude who was 6' and my age just a year younger than me. He's handsome SO meaty man.. he looks like such a man. Even has a beard. Such masculinity. I felt intimidated next to him yet I puff my chest out and kill push ups curls and squats and crunches before meeting him. It was a hookup by the way..
I meet with him I was so nervous and if I ever got the best haircut it was that day. He was just so damn sexy and handsome.. he thought I was stuck up.. and he was unimpressed. Yet he was still willing to go through with it because he was horny. We kick it off.. when he bends over I feel his ass and watch it so meaty so bouncy and a bit furry.. what a real man's ass. He had claimed he loved big dicks to which I lied to him.. he wasn't impressed.. and I felt it he wasnt.. that is until I start banging him no mercy style. He loves it and he actually cums hands free. First time I have released sex where I felt like THE MAN! We continued to go at it and he had this sort of respect and love for me. He was so emotional for someone so masculine looking. That's when I decided if I could have him, I could have someone better.. which I did but no one really measured up to him.. let's be real, I never really measure up to them. I left him behind. I moved on. I heard he was getting it from some big dick bros. And who knows what, rumors amongst the Grindr peeps. I meet him again two years ago. I see him he has become fat and so wide. Still handsome just so gross looking now. He let himself go. But I still hit it and it felt so good but I felt ashamed of being with his body.. I unfortunately get payback via life. I met a guy who idk how I started caring for. He was on two rebound. And in doing so he met me at a gym. He liked how wild I was he claims I was very masculine.. and I loved to hear it. Yet he had the masculine features. Beard tall pretty muscular. One handsome dude very intelligent. And we liked the same things. He was super needy and attached which would bother me at first but then I welcomed it. He was always having my food ready picking me up at work buying me random gifts and clothes and then one day he decides not to pick me up from work because he forgot.. he then starts seeing me less and less he would respond to my texts with " nice ". It was driving me wild. I got so worked up. I didn't see him for two weeks straight. I wasn't the same anymore that's for sure. I felt so alone and just waiting like a puppy. He had given me his blackberry since I couldn't afford one. He had upgraded to the 4s iphone. His emails and twitter was still there on the blackberry. He then proceeds to email his ex. He tells him how much he misses him how he craves him how sick it feels to be with someone hi isn't him. How he was the ultimate MAN for him. He misses his handsome face. He misses his hard sexy hairy body and his smell. A smell he could only get from him. Both are the same age this guy was 35 and the other 32. I'm only 25 at the time. He tells him on the email that he tried and tried to be with others.. others.. including me I assumed. Finally he decides to pick me up because I knew he didn't want to be alone.. I open his phone and check his facebook. He had communications between himself and other guys. Those message were of him and some muscular dudes from the gym he never wanted me to go into. I start snooping and what I see makes me sick to my stomach. He had pictures of other guys naked and their big dicks. With him responding how he wishes he had them inside him or on his knees sucking those big dicks rubbing their abs.. it passes me off so bad. I couldn't compete with that. Yet he played this "angel" with me claiming he doesn't like doing that stuff. Claiming he doesn't like anal or oral sex. He liked to make out only and towards the end it was less and less. He had some deep texts with those guys enough to say he felt he shared a deep connection with them intellectually and how good it felt to be able to talk with someone who made big money since he was a male nurse. I didn't make money I could barely pay my own phone bill. By then luckily iMessage was developed. He had bought me an iPod. I logged in to the iMessage to be able to receive his messages. He decides to meet with another guy. They exchanged pictures and what they liked. It turned me on to see him how turned on he was for these gym guys.. oddly. Yet felt so insulted stupid and lesser. I decided to stalk him one nighr. Both had agreed to meet up at nighr. I walked one hour to reach his place since I didn't have a car. I made it there and saw the guy park after sitting in the bushes for an hour. I see him. My height yet big and muscular. Just the way he liked them. He proceeds to go inside and goes from there. I wanted to barge in and I did I gave them 15 minutes to get it on. I try to unlock the door but it was locked from the inside. Much to their tussle and delay.. he finally opens the door and acts surprised and tells me he is sleeping if I need a ride home. The other guy shoves his way past him and past me and storms off shirtless like giving me and him a big fuck you. We explode. I start going nuts asking him WHY???
He then explodes. He was always polite and soft spoken and here he is enjoying yelling and screaming at my enjoying piercing into my humiliation. He enjoys telling me how someone like him was stupid enough to give someone like me a chance. How he deserves men REAL MEN not weak little boys. He someone so doughy like me and scrawny dare think I could have a man like him. It Didn't Stop there he keeps bringing it and idk why I stayed. I felt destroyed humiliated heart broken. I never seen him smirk with such arrogance and look down at me like that like if I was some kind of weak pathetic dog. He kicked me out but offered to drive me home. I told him I will walk home. Every day I would pass by the same place he would pick me up. He was never there. He asks me to give him back everything. Which I did.. I begin to stalk him online and found him in several sites like cam4. It bothered me. I move on with my life to this day makes it hurts but I did work on myself. I began to hit the gym and to this day still do and hard. I'm in the best shape of my life for sure. I ram into him at a different gym recently.. he sees me and says I look like such a man now. He tried to talk with me I told him sorry bruh I'm too much Man for you to handle.. surprisingly despite me joking his facial reaction collapsed. He still misses his ex he is still a weak minded punk. I met other guys at the gym who actually get me. We share the same things. Quite frankly I don't feel the need to be with anyone. I'm like a weird male gay feminist. I don't need a man. And I sure as hell find or bad if I catch myself lusting over another man. I love being the dominant guy. Love being part of the boys love feeling the dominant male. And love feeling like I'm the fucking man.
This stigma of gay porn that has all guys thinking of hot guys in Andrew Christians is hot but fucked up. Some guys are great and deserve a good friend. Pisses me off the idea of gay prode. I have pride in being a Man. And fuck the Greek times. Greek times is what is now. People worshipping some naked muscular guy in skimpy underwear claiming him as a gay god. And everybody follows. Those "standards" are for idiots who can't see those guys are nothing but overrated infested prostitutes. Best sex with those guys? Oh yeah! But they aren't worth shit after. Don't let those guys intimidate you man. Quite frankly nothing wrong with being picky or looking for the right guy. It's not for me but also I don't think we know what you want either.

 

[erobert]

Thanks for the replies all

Who or what is your ''type.'' Everyone is searching for a ''type'' -- some impossible ideal -- instead of someone to love.

I have a few types but the main type of guy (physically at least) looks like the guys in Banana Republic or JCrew catalogs. Or athletic types are my other main type.... look up Corey Brooks from Big Brother 18- exactly the kinds of guys I'm into...Somewhat hypocritical of me given my rant about meetings standards but those are the guys who are able to initially attract me in terms of looks. I've thought a bit about why and what specifically is attractive about these kinds of guys in-order to try to boil it down to character attributes instead of just being tied to physical attractiveness. It isn't at the top of my list on attributes I'm looking for but mutual physical attraction is important.

But getting rejected by guys who aren't my type makes me worry since if I'm not even able to attract or hold the interest of guys who I'm not really into what's going to happen when I do try to attract guys who I am actually into? My experiences have been frustrating despite my ex (who was my type and I was his also) Met through a mutual friend, not a dating site. Again I think the online dating world isn't a good place to look for potential dates. So many guys can swipe all day on Tinder or OKCupid determined to get matched up with someone who looks like a pornstar; I've seen people glued to Tinder and Grindr at gay bars which makes no sense.

Someone also mentioned I myself reject guys who aren't my type. True, it's good to remember this when getting rejected. A less frustrating way to go I think is to make friends offline since building trust, chemistry, attraction over time (instead of expecting all of that right off the bat on a first date) is a concept many guys need to learn. Besides I've had friends who weren't initially my type but over time I became attracted to their personality / character which strangely made them a bit more attractive overall.

 

[BerkLT]

I have always been successful in dating scene even though I never even go to gym (although I am naturally fit).

I can think of 3 factors that seem to make a difference but these factors are not discrete.
1- Having unusual character traits & hobbies habits that are perceived as "positive".
---> In this case, unusual means something rare among average, something elite.
2- These traits in 1 have to be coherent with your background, style, and physical appearance. I personally think this is the most important part, you create an image to sell to the person whom you are interested in.
3- Do not talk about yourself, let them discover you. Talking too much about yourself always destroys coolness factor. If you really wanna share something about you, ask them first; chances that they will ask you back is quite high.

 

[mcbrion]

I have to say this much: if your confidence about you comes from outside you, you are a dead duck. No one else can give you confidence (aka "self esteem"). Lets take that as an absolute. It will do no one any good to go on dates if you are full of fear about "does he like me?" "Am I 'hot enough' for him?" or anything else like that. Neither will going to gym and acquiring muscles: you are still the same person inside, which is either, 'I have a lot to offer a guy and if he doesn't like me, well, that's okay. I want someone who likes me' or else it's "okay, I've made my body great looking to hide the fact that I'm insecure, so I hope the body is enough."

Come on guys! You need to be okay on the inside FIRST. Is this really something you've never been told? Meditate, get therapy or whatever gives you an utter feeling you're okay, faults and all. If you cannot do that, well, besides the pain you're already experiencing, you may well add the very unattractive trait of bitterness to that pile of unhappiness as you get older.
I handle 'high standards' by making sure they are not superficial 'high standards.' If a guy wants someone who is moral, kind, loving, giving (and has some faults, too), THAT is a high standard. If a guy just wants 'big biceps, big chest' etc., and doesn't care what's on the inside, well....they're using superficial standards, (and is probably at a superficial stage of their own existence) and there's nothing 'high standards' about that, except that you don't recognize which is the right set of standards to assess others and have others assess you by. You should learn how to assess people's qualities instead of being buffered around like a piece of paper in a strong wind because you can't separate a guy of quality from a superficial guy. Superficial guys can do a lot of damage, so you'd best become smart enough to spot them - and then, not date them. OY!!!