I have a very bad history with "labels." When I identified as straight, I worked so hard at denying my attractions to men that I made myself miserable. I actually suspect that the inner turmoil probably put off women, making my success with them close to zero. When I first had sex with a man, we became lovers, the first worthwhile relationship of my life. So I quickly identified as gay, which he happily encouraged. I was actually very threatened by the confusing fluidity of my desires. But I felt very weird inside, because I knew I was frequently attracted to women. (A little voice inside me said that I didn't react radically different to an attractive man or an attractive woman). But I thought that I had to live up to the label I had been assigned in life, and anyway those feelings weren't "real." Anyway no woman would want a man like me.
But those desires for women only grew over the years. And my desires for men, while not absent, eventually felt a little sated. I found myself turning into a lonely bachelor craving a woman's presence in my life. (Even though I had so little experience that I didn't even know what it would be like). All for the sake of a label. I found women creeping into my sexual fantasies; I found myself looking at straight porn more than gay porn. Finally, I found myself increasingly "falling" for some female friends. I eventually realized that even if there was only one bisexual man in the world, I was one, and that I just had to start dating women. That's what I'm doing now, and I'm having a ball. But I don't know how to explain my sexual history to them, and so I just gloss over it.
Why didn't I just call myself bisexual? Well, I thought that I had so little experience with women, that I had no right to. Plus I had a lot of bi-phobic baggage that I'm still dealing with:
-- That bisexual men are all really gay, and just fooling themselves.
-- That bisexual men give women AIDS. (I grew up in the 1980s). Once when I had sex with a "down-low" guy, I was terrified that he had given me a disease, even though we had been totally safe.
-- That bisexuals help the religious right, because they have a choice in their sexual behavior.
-- That bisexuality was just a "stage" men go through before becoming "gay." Where does that leave me?
-- That no woman would knowingly have a relationship with a bisexual man. (I'm still nervous about that, though I told my most recent GF, and she seemed OK with it).
-- That male bisexuality is incredibly rare, almost nonexistent. (Thank you, Dan Savage -- although he seems to have changed his ways lately). I told myself that there was no way I could be bisexual. I certainly didn't know any bisexuals. (Yes, I did. I'm quite certain that my late father was one).
-- That being bisexual means being 50-50 all the time. I've experienced my sexuality in all sorts of ways, but not usually 50-50. I've realized that I'm actually quite fluid over time.
-- That my desires for women came from not fully accepting my gay identity.
-- That bisexuals were really "out there," flakey, and bohemian. I'm an Eagle Scout.
As I said, I have a very bad history with "labels."
