Anyone here out in a professional workplace?

[Dalmore]

Hi all,

This is my first post to the forum so please let me know if I am posting in the wrong place. I did do a search before I posted and did not find quite what I was looking for.

I have just started a job with a large accounting firm in San Francisco and I question the advantage of being out in the workplace. I am 22 and and starting at the very bottom of the totem pole.

Most people at the firm are well educated with degrees beyond the undergraduate level...which I would like to think makes them more tolerant but that may not be true.

It is a very conservative place, so while I see no professional advantage in coming out, I also see disadvantages to not being open and honest with my colleagues. That may be a contraindication but you must know what I am on about.

During busy season, which we are just starting, I spend hours and hours with these people sometimes 7 days a week working long hours...so we really get to know each other. I fear, perhaps irrationally, that if I come out people will not want to work with me.

If any of you are or have been out in a professional environment please share your experiences.

 

[Screwdriver4]

Well, I'm a student-teacher at the boarding school where I lived for a number of years, so everybody already knows.

I will say, though, coming out in any capacity or to anyone is a huge, huge relief

 

[redips]

I also work in a group with some very educated people (most of them with Master's and Ph.D's), and I'm also NOT out at work. (I am out to my parents and to some close friends.) I've known these people for a very long time, and I'm also very close to them. We've had to spend many nights pulling all-nighters for deadlines, and we get along very well. And most of my colleagues are very liberal-minded. I know most of them would not have a problem with me being gay, and to be honest, I think many of them probably know or suspect it.

So why am I not out? Well, I think despite what I said about my liberal colleagues, I still have some fear that it might affect my job or my interactions with others. I do work in a fairly large group, so there are bound to be some people who are more conservative than others (and I know a couple of them are). And since my sexuality really is nobody's business, I'd rather not bring it up.

So, sorry that I don't have any advice or useful work-related coming-out experience for you.

P.S. Sometimes, I also wonder, if coming out later makes things harder. I feel like, if I've kept this secret for so long, it'd be awkward to finally "come clean" after so many years. This is probably more true for my other friends to whom I've not yet come out; I feel like, if I tell them now, it just feels like saying that I've been lying to them all these years. I know this logic is self-defeating, because then I should definitely come out ASAP; but for me, this has always been a big hurdle to overcome.

 

[Rand]

Most firms have a diversity program or a sexual harassment program that ought to give you clues about the official stance on being gay in the workplace.

I've never felt inclined to talk about my personal life. I don't give a lot of details about my life, but I would never lie. I will ask the normal how was your weekend type questions. I think most know but as I am always professional in my dealings, there does not seem to be any problem.

do celebrate your life,
Rand

 

[altlover85]

I was only out to a few people at my last job. I regretted it. I think the earlier you come out, the easier it will be to sort people out. The longer you wait, the more time you'll have to make excuses as to why you shouldn't come out.

 

[FunFunk]

you don't need to sit them down and have an after-school special moment with them, just be honest about your life.

I hardly talk to my coworkers at all about my life outside of work. we're just not friends. but if a coworker asks me what my plans are for the weekend and I've got a date or something, I don't play the pronoun game. I talk about it with the same gravity as they'd talk about their girlfriends or wives or husbands.

I've never had a coworker come out to me as straight, we just talk about our lives honestly.

I'm basically similar to loki, in that I'm not I'm not really close friends with anyone at work, though everyone in my department knows I'm gay (my boss, my colleagues, etc.) and I wouldn't have a problem being open when discussing related life issues. Further, I work in a large organization in which there are many openly gay guys and lesbians and this is no shock to anyone there (and I think there are official policies banning mistreatment of staff due to sexual orientation).

As for advice, I would suggest finding out what your company's acceptance level of gays is. Does it have an official policy forbidding discrimination or harrassment or other unfair treatment of gays? In any case, just live your life honestly and if the issue is raised, don't deny your sexual orientation. Especially in San Francisco of all places. If your company is located there, I would imagine it is quite used to and accepting of gays (though I wouldn't know for sure).

 

[Scottyboi]

Welcome to SF! =D

To answer your question - I consider myself 'Totally out'. But that doesn't mean I run around telling everyone just to make a point of telling everyone but that doesn't mean I hide it either.

Seems to me that you shouldn't have to come out to these people, let them get to know you for you and let them see that your sexuality is simply a part of who you are. If its ever brought up then answer the question honestly without playing 'the pronoun game'

I'll also point out - We are living in SF man! I've only been here three weeks myself but I haven't come across anyone or anything I could describe as homophobic. This city is like built for us! =D

Course my views might be slightly skewed since I'm a Nursing student and not involved in a business

 

[Dalmore]

Most firms have a diversity program or a sexual harassment program that ought to give you clues about the official stance on being gay in the workplace.

I've never felt inclined to talk about my personal life. I don't give a lot of details about my life, but I would never lie. I will ask the normal how was your weekend type questions. I think most know but as I am always professional in my dealings, there does not seem to be any problem.

do celebrate your life,
Rand

Yes they have a diversity program, they even have a 100 % equality score from The Human Rights Campaign, and they have an LGBT network. This sounds nice but the LGBT network does not have local meetings in any of the other 4 Bay Area offices and in a firm with around 50,000 people in the US the LGBT network has about 100 members.

They have a sexual harassment program with a hotline that you can call but really none of this stuff is going to make being out any better.

I guess I am answering my own question here.

 

[bankside]

Yes they have a diversity program, they even have a 100 % equality score from The Human Rights Campaign, and they have an LGBT network. This sounds nice but the LGBT network does not have local meetings in any of the other 4 Bay Area offices and in a firm with around 50,000 people in the US the LGBT network has about 100 members.

They have a sexual harassment program with a hotline that you can call but really none of this stuff is going to make being out any better.

I guess I am answering my own question here.

...except there is a note of pessimism in your post that makes me think you're answering it the wrong way.

With my current employer, I waited until the probationary period of my terms of employment had elapsed, and then I didn't come out so much as just talk openly on the same terms with other close colleagues who also shared openly about their lives. That was 10 years ago.

There are plenty of people who know. There are many who do not. And much like most of my colleagues, I have a few personal pictures at my desk, including pictures of me and my guy. Even then, some people don't clue in. No one ever went bankrupt betting against people's ability to be observant or to care.

I think the outcome of not coming out is mostly downside: you could appear aloof, stand-offish, and even slightly paranoid. To [STRIKE]many[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]most[/STRIKE] the vast majority of your colleagues, this isn't even a big deal. They will wonder why they're more comfortable with it than you are, and it might make their experience of dealing with a gay person seem slightly awkward as they try to figure out what the big deal is.

 

[TX-Beau]

If you are in some kind of executive position, one where you hope for advancement, that means networking, and networking means social events beyond the office. I agree that the longer you go hiding it, the bigger the deal when people start to suspect - and they will start to suspect if you work in close quarters with these people for any length of time. You'll put yourself in a position where you don't control the where and how of the office gossip. I find it's easier for people to accept the new gay guy, than it is for them to accept the guy they worked with for years who they never really knew at all - if you see what I mean.

That may or may not be a problem with where you are, but I've found that whether they have a problem with the gay or not, it's easier to respect you as a person and as a colleague if there's full disclosure upfront. At my present job, I found the biggest office gossip and told her, and then let the chips fall where they may.

Mostly, no one cares, and if they're interested enough to ask, I'm absolutely honest. Plus I find that if it's such a big issue that it's going to affect my prospects, well, I don't want to spend years of my life working with homophobes anyway.

 

[altlover85]

Mostly, no one cares, and if they're interested enough to ask, I'm absolutely honest. Plus I find that if it's such a big issue that it's going to affect my prospects, well, I don't want to spend years of my life working with homophobes anyway.

I think the bolded part is worth pointing out. It's better for you to be out, especially if this is somewhere you envision working for a long time so you can sort out the level of homophobia. I would think the HRC rating would be something that should put your mind at ease, but I don't know a lot about HRC's methodology.

 

[Dalmore]

I do not plan on being in public accounting much more than 5 years but I suppose you are right that it is best to be open about it.

 

[Jitrel]

At work today a coworker came up to me and said he heard a rumor that I was gay, I didn't deny it, and I asked if that was all he wanted to hear. Later, I was talking to another coworker, then the last guy came up and asked me if I had sex with girls. I explained to him that yes I was gay, but he and the other coworkers seemed to already know and just wanted to be sure. So they knew and do t really care, but I didn't formally come out to anyone. They just asked and I answered.

 

[Jitrel]

The difference is though, the organisation I work for has a very accepting and friendly policy, even an LGBT and support group. But my specific site doesn't have it, so it's just me there answering questions and educating. Like stated earlier, I only tell someone if I'm asked because as others have said, I don't much hang out with coworkers outside of work.

 

[MindBlast]

I hardly talk to my coworkers at all about my life outside of work. we're just not friends. but if a coworker asks me what my plans are for the weekend and I've got a date or something, I don't play the pronoun game. I talk about it with the same gravity as they'd talk about their girlfriends or wives or husbands.

This.

If they ask or assume, I'll tell them. Otherwise it's not a big thing. Everyone knows by now though (3 years later) I think. I work for a big engineering firm and it's no big deal at all. Nobody cares.

 

[maxpowr9]

Most will find out within 3 months of working that you are gay (or will just assume so). I don't get why so many closeted people have naivety that they think nobody knows at the workplace. As long as it isn't overbearing, about 90% of your coworkers will not care. You are there to do a job, not gossip.

I will say I did get someone fired for sexually harassing me before and it was a bit frustrating to deal with at the office but he was an all-around to jerk to most people there so it wasn't too bad. Mind you I work in Finance which is considered very conservative and like I said, as long as you don't get up all in their business about it, they won't bother you.

 

[Luke Lighthart]

Everyone automatically assumes I'm straight and I keep it that way just so it doesn't get leaked to family and conservative friends

 

[normljoe]

I work for a large firm that has same sex partner healthcare benefits, a LBGT group and a wide-spread non-discrimination policy. As a company they are very supportive. So supportive, that one time in the company newsletter they profiled a transgendered employee and her success in the firm.

I was in the closet at work until about 5 years ago when I started my current position. Then I committed to myself that I wouldn't lie when asked me about my personal life. And without exception, it hasn't been a problem. We really don't talk about our personal lives. It's pretty much strictly work, for straight and gay. But when it has come up, it's been a non-issue.

I feel very fortunate. It's a big relief to be able to work in an environment where you can be honest about who you are.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome. Congratulations on your degree and your new job. Take your cue from your fellow workers and have a plan for a Master's. Just sayin.'

I look at state law and then I look at workplace non-discrimination policy. At one point my last place of employment removed the LBGT clause and replaced it with, "and other protected catagories." I raised a bit of a fuss, telling them that had the full statement not been in place when I applied I would not have applied. It would have implied that I wasn't wanted. I also told them that it implied our LBGT students weren't fully welcomed. They reinstated the whole statement.

The problem with not coming out are the assumptions that are made and the match-making that is attempted. It can get really sticky and resentful if you eventually have a partner.

This is a total sidebar, but, if you wish to leave in 5 years and therefore decide you can ignore or lie that long, realize you may end up staying there or going to work with or for someone you know from this employer.

There is/has already been an office buzz as to whether or not you are gay. You are working in San Francisco and not______(fill in the blank. I don't want to denigrate anyone or any place).