Anyone mind helping me?

[Eagle653]

Hi Raider and welcome to JUB. I'm glad you're here and glad you posted.

Normally, I'm against gay/bi guys coming out to straight best friends that they're in love with because it tends to make the friendship awkward, if not impossible. I usually advise to get past the love-feelings part and accept that person as a straight and good friend--if possible. If not, then choices have to be made and it usually is to get away from the person in order to get over them.

Your case is a bit different, though. You say that all of your other friends are straight. Have they ever kissed you, or played with your feet? Probably not. This guy has. Despite the fact that he has a girlfriend (whom he may feel about as you did yours), straight guys usually don't behave with other guys like he has with you.

Since this is eating you up, I think you ought to just come out to him. Note that I said COME OUT TO HIM, not tell him you're madly in love with him. Save that and don't divulge it right now. One thing at a time. If you come out to him, you give him every opportunity to do the same--if he's able or willing or even IS bi or gay.

If he is not, then don't divulge any more or it will ruin whatever friendship is left. If he is, then you can play it by ear as to when to tell him how you feel toward him (whether it's in the same conversation or later).

You cannot go on as you've been. This is eating you up and making you crazy. It's time to act one way or another if only to get you moving in some positive direction with this. If he's not--or is but doesn't feel toward you how you feel toward him--then at least you have an answer, can deal with it, and can move on. If he is, and feels toward you as you toward him, then great. Either way, it's time you knew for your own sake.

Good luck! Let us know what happens. And, welcome again!

 

[Seasoned]

You are in a risky situation given your fear that you could lose all your friends. I'm glad to know that you realize that things have to change for you or you risk your mental state. Taking care of yourself is your first priority. Expect the best from this guy and the rest of your friends. If the worst happens you will find a way to take care of yourself. You have now come out to yourself and that is what is motivating you to make other changes. Perhaps you have access to gay organizations that could also offer support. Let us continue to offer our support as well. Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[KaraBulut]

Welcome to JUB and congrats on your first post.

I'm going to add to what Eagle653 has said (which I agree with) and include that you need to stop the sleeping in the same bed and the kissing when you come out to him.

Coming out will change your friendship and in this case, that's probably not a bad thing.

When you come out to him, he will have the opportunity to come out if he's gay or bi. If he doesn't, then you have to consider the physical part of your relationship as over. It's just too painful for you and it's keeping you from finding a gay guy who can return your feelings.

 

[rareboy]

Sometimes you have to risk everything rather than be paralyzed by fear or inertia.

Once you tell the guy the truth, it is up to him to deal with it.
No matter what, you risk losing him as a friend or as a bf if you are not absolutely honest with him earlier rather than later.

 

[Lefty]

single bed sleepovers eh? clothed or underpants?

next time be a restless sleeper and touch himin a few places...not maul just touch. if he responds you have an answer. if nothing but in a.m. he asks what the fuck was that about you will be able to gauge his reaction and better feel if you should do the tell all or not. yeah, some people will say thats the chicken way but i see it as more the conservative rather than miltant way and leaves you a window to avoid conflict or loss of a good friend. jmho

good luck and again, welcome

 

[backpacker]

Thanks for the kind welcome Eagle

I've tried to avoid him and to 'fall out of love' but this just seems impossible. The ideal step to take would be to come out as Bisexual and just see how it goes. If i've completely misinterpreted him and he freaks out and tells all of my mates then i'm socially ruined. For some reason I think he will keep my secret though.

You're right that I can't keep going on like I have been. I've decided that i'm going to come out to him soon, I just have to find the perfect time.

Thanks again.

I totally agree with Eagle653. I would like to add, if he is bi or gay, that you shouldn't expect him to immediately come out to you when you tell him. He may need some time to process what you say and work up the nerve to tell you (if he is gay or bi).

With regard to your above comments, there will never be a prefect time to tell him. Just pick a time when the two of you are alone and do it. He's your best friend and should already know if he is the type to keep a secret. You can start out by saying "There is something I want to tell you and I hope you will keep it a secret."

Good luck!

 

[PabloZed]

Your story is like that of millions of others, including my own, of falling in love with your best mate. People fall in love for the same reason people become good friends, but its the lack of attraction that keeps friends from always becoming lovers. The only real question is whether your mate thinks about you the way you think of him. You have evidence that he does have more than friendly intentions, but how much more is the issue.

That is a very tough issue to deal with because, in my case, my mate was not willing to go as far as I wished and the friendship suffered because of it. I don't think there is any universal answer because nothing I would have done would have changed things. The only thing that ultimately matters is how you two feel about each other. Either you are on the same page or you are not. How you find out is the puzzle. I wish you luck.

 

[backpacker]

Some people make it sound easy.
It's painful. I'm not ready to come out because I have too much to fear.
I'm going to wait a while untill i've left college, it might be easier then.

Thanks anyway everyone

We don't mean to trivialize the stress of coming out. We know all to well how difficult and frightening it can be. What is also obvious is how much it's eating at you to be totally in the closet. To wonder if your best friend feels the same way. Only you can decide if the calculated risk is worth the potential reward.

 

[KaraBulut]

Some people make it sound easy.
It's painful. I'm not ready to come out because I have too much to fear.
I'm going to wait a while untill i've left college, it might be easier then.

Thanks anyway everyone

Most people here will tell you that there is no easier time to come out than when you're in college. Possibly the only exception would be if you have the misfortune of attending a religious-affiliated university.

It's much more difficult to be out in the real world when your livelihood can be affected. But for those of us who came out before we entered the real world, we were much better prepared for any flak that we received later on.

 

[TX-Beau]

It's much more difficult to be out in the real world when your livelihood can be affected. But for those of us who came out before we entered the real world, we were much better prepared for any flak that we received later on.

Yeah, I completely agree with this.

You’ll come out or you won’t. No one can do that for you. I will say that the longer you go hiding in the closet the harder it’s gonna be to come out. Kara is right, if you’re closeted in the office environment it’ll be harder, not easier to come out. It’s the dishonesty that’s the problem; the more of your life you build around it, the harder you make it on yourself.

In college that kind of problem is largely minimal. Whatever career path you choose, there’s going to be social aspects to it. If you let your boss and all your colleagues believe you’re straight, coming out gets a whole new problematic dimension.