Chalchalero
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I am a bit reluctant to write this as it has never been my nature to "share" in these forums the way so many of you are able to do so easily. But I am presently in such a funk and in need of a fresh perspective that I thought I would give this a try. We shall see how it goes.
I am curious as to the opinions of the people who write in this forum, as it seems that many of you are extremely sensitive and thoughtful and might have a thought or two on what I am going through at present.
My partner (I guess you could say "husband" since we were married in Switzerland, but neither of us was ever able to adjust to that term) passed away exactly six months ago tomorrow.
Three years ago he was diagnosed with bladder cancer. Because he was a stubborn man, the cancer had advanced dramatically as a result of not having been diagnosed early enough. He hated going to the physician, and so for a good two years prior, while he was suffering from what he thought were kidney stones, what he was really passing were chunks of his bladder. Despite all of my pleas, he would not see a physician. Hence, by the time he was forced, due to an infection induced fever, to finally see a urologist, it was too late to do anything substantive for him.
He had surgery where they removed the bladder, but months later, the lymph nodes, which were not removed during the surgery became infected and the cancer spread. By June of 2007, he had broken his hip and was placed in a hospice. He passed away (thankfully peacefully and in little pain) on the 17th of October of 2007.
I want to explain what sort of man he was, because very few people understand or ever truly understood what an amazing man he was.
He was a former surgeon as well as a former lawyer and military judge in Switzerland. He studied psychotherapy under disciples of C. G. Jung and helped to run the C. G. Jung Foundation in New York for several years. He was a Chief Operating Officer at one of the most exclusive jewelry companies in the world and a top executive at Switzerland's biggest bank. He founded several of his own business which focused on publishing, film production and web-based businesses.
He spoke, in addition to his native French and German, English, Italian, Spanish, Italian and Russian, as well as some Czech and Hungarian. He was very proficient in several indigenous languages from Central and South America and Papua New Guinea. He was an explorer and world traveller, and had visited every continent on the planet except for Antarctica.
He had friends in every corner of the globe from European royalty to the homeless guy who sold newspapers he dug out of the trash in our neighbourhood. He was the kindest and most sympathetic man one could ever encounter. He listened in a way and with a compassion that cannot be bought in therapy.
He had the best taste in everything, but remained open-minded to new and unusual things, often embracing eagerly the most unusual aspects of life that he came across. For a man who was born in a castle in Switzerland, he always preferred to live in our loft in the East Village of Manhattan, because he felt it was a neighbourhood with "character". He purchased the loft in the early 80's by the way, when the "character" of that neighbourhood was somewhat questionable.
His generosity was the stuff of legends, and he was so beloved by so many people that we had to hold memorial services in New York, Geneva, Switzerland and Sydney, Australia, in order to accomodate the hundreds of people who wanted to pay their respects to him.
To me, he was a mentor (He was 25 years older than I am) and a best friend in addition to the man I loved more than anyone else in the world, including my own family. He taught me so much about what it means to love and to live and appreciate life. He showed me how to open my mind and my heart to others, even those to whom I might not necessarily be inclined to open up.
Despite his connections and frequenting of the highest levels of European and American social circles, he was always the most profoundly humble man I have ever known, and was never hesitant when it came to bringing me down from whatever high horse I found myself climbing at the time.
He was very good at bringing me down to Earth with public announcements about my snoring or the way a jacket fit me, or the fact that I may have put on a pound or two. It was always done, however, with that twinkle in his eye to remind me that I was no better than anyone else. Having been born in an upper bourgeois family, I was a bit of a snob when I first met him. I can assure you that he has (mostly) cured me of that...
Conversely, when I was feeling low and wallowing in self-pity over my frequent uncontrollable manic depressions, it was always he who stood by me and went through the vacillations of my mood swings with a detached aplomb, always waiting for the opportunity to catch me when I fell too low and to help me get back up again.
He was the only one who could put up with my sometimes very caustic and unkind nature. It was he who defended me against any and all criticisms when I would go too far in my attempts at being witty as they frequently ended up only being hurtful.
He was the only one who could possibly have stood by me throughout my two year long alcohol binge in the beginning of our relationship, and I can assure you, I was not a pleasant person to endure. But he refused to give up on me, and never stopped loving me. This, despite the fact that I was responsible for alienating him from quite a few of his long-time friends over the years.
Because of him, I am a better person than I could ever have been without him. Because of him I want to become a better person still.
Because of him, I now feel as though I will never find anyone who will feel the way about me that he did, and it scares me. I do not want to feel at the age of forty that I can never meet another person whom I can love and who will love me the way he did.
On another level, I am afraid that there are too few men out there with the sort of background that he had, the sort of mind that he had, the interests that he had and the love of life that he had. The money is not as important as the fact that I could never be in a relationship with anyone who did not inspire and intellectually challenge me the way he did.
I know that it is normal when you lose someone, to spend a period of time comparing everyone you meet unfavourably to the one you lost, but I would hate to lose an opportunity to meet someone nice because I am worshipping a ghost.
I am interested in other people's thoughts. I am particularly interested in hearing from others who have lost a partner and can offer some insight as to how one moves on from here, because at the moment, I feel as though I am doomed to live the rest of my life with only memories of a time long past.
Thanks for reading this.
I am curious as to the opinions of the people who write in this forum, as it seems that many of you are extremely sensitive and thoughtful and might have a thought or two on what I am going through at present.
My partner (I guess you could say "husband" since we were married in Switzerland, but neither of us was ever able to adjust to that term) passed away exactly six months ago tomorrow.
Three years ago he was diagnosed with bladder cancer. Because he was a stubborn man, the cancer had advanced dramatically as a result of not having been diagnosed early enough. He hated going to the physician, and so for a good two years prior, while he was suffering from what he thought were kidney stones, what he was really passing were chunks of his bladder. Despite all of my pleas, he would not see a physician. Hence, by the time he was forced, due to an infection induced fever, to finally see a urologist, it was too late to do anything substantive for him.
He had surgery where they removed the bladder, but months later, the lymph nodes, which were not removed during the surgery became infected and the cancer spread. By June of 2007, he had broken his hip and was placed in a hospice. He passed away (thankfully peacefully and in little pain) on the 17th of October of 2007.
I want to explain what sort of man he was, because very few people understand or ever truly understood what an amazing man he was.
He was a former surgeon as well as a former lawyer and military judge in Switzerland. He studied psychotherapy under disciples of C. G. Jung and helped to run the C. G. Jung Foundation in New York for several years. He was a Chief Operating Officer at one of the most exclusive jewelry companies in the world and a top executive at Switzerland's biggest bank. He founded several of his own business which focused on publishing, film production and web-based businesses.
He spoke, in addition to his native French and German, English, Italian, Spanish, Italian and Russian, as well as some Czech and Hungarian. He was very proficient in several indigenous languages from Central and South America and Papua New Guinea. He was an explorer and world traveller, and had visited every continent on the planet except for Antarctica.
He had friends in every corner of the globe from European royalty to the homeless guy who sold newspapers he dug out of the trash in our neighbourhood. He was the kindest and most sympathetic man one could ever encounter. He listened in a way and with a compassion that cannot be bought in therapy.
He had the best taste in everything, but remained open-minded to new and unusual things, often embracing eagerly the most unusual aspects of life that he came across. For a man who was born in a castle in Switzerland, he always preferred to live in our loft in the East Village of Manhattan, because he felt it was a neighbourhood with "character". He purchased the loft in the early 80's by the way, when the "character" of that neighbourhood was somewhat questionable.
His generosity was the stuff of legends, and he was so beloved by so many people that we had to hold memorial services in New York, Geneva, Switzerland and Sydney, Australia, in order to accomodate the hundreds of people who wanted to pay their respects to him.
To me, he was a mentor (He was 25 years older than I am) and a best friend in addition to the man I loved more than anyone else in the world, including my own family. He taught me so much about what it means to love and to live and appreciate life. He showed me how to open my mind and my heart to others, even those to whom I might not necessarily be inclined to open up.
Despite his connections and frequenting of the highest levels of European and American social circles, he was always the most profoundly humble man I have ever known, and was never hesitant when it came to bringing me down from whatever high horse I found myself climbing at the time.
He was very good at bringing me down to Earth with public announcements about my snoring or the way a jacket fit me, or the fact that I may have put on a pound or two. It was always done, however, with that twinkle in his eye to remind me that I was no better than anyone else. Having been born in an upper bourgeois family, I was a bit of a snob when I first met him. I can assure you that he has (mostly) cured me of that...
Conversely, when I was feeling low and wallowing in self-pity over my frequent uncontrollable manic depressions, it was always he who stood by me and went through the vacillations of my mood swings with a detached aplomb, always waiting for the opportunity to catch me when I fell too low and to help me get back up again.
He was the only one who could put up with my sometimes very caustic and unkind nature. It was he who defended me against any and all criticisms when I would go too far in my attempts at being witty as they frequently ended up only being hurtful.
He was the only one who could possibly have stood by me throughout my two year long alcohol binge in the beginning of our relationship, and I can assure you, I was not a pleasant person to endure. But he refused to give up on me, and never stopped loving me. This, despite the fact that I was responsible for alienating him from quite a few of his long-time friends over the years.
Because of him, I am a better person than I could ever have been without him. Because of him I want to become a better person still.
Because of him, I now feel as though I will never find anyone who will feel the way about me that he did, and it scares me. I do not want to feel at the age of forty that I can never meet another person whom I can love and who will love me the way he did.
On another level, I am afraid that there are too few men out there with the sort of background that he had, the sort of mind that he had, the interests that he had and the love of life that he had. The money is not as important as the fact that I could never be in a relationship with anyone who did not inspire and intellectually challenge me the way he did.
I know that it is normal when you lose someone, to spend a period of time comparing everyone you meet unfavourably to the one you lost, but I would hate to lose an opportunity to meet someone nice because I am worshipping a ghost.
I am interested in other people's thoughts. I am particularly interested in hearing from others who have lost a partner and can offer some insight as to how one moves on from here, because at the moment, I feel as though I am doomed to live the rest of my life with only memories of a time long past.
Thanks for reading this.
