App search on BF phone

[ratmac]

Hi Guys,
Last night I saw in the app search history on my boyfriends phone that he had looked up grindr most recently, I have seen that history before and it was always different apps so I know for a fact it was searched.

I confronted him and the reasoning he gave me that he didnt want anyone he lives with finding out he is gay yet and so he wanted to make sure that if he typed in "g" it wouldnt come up with that as the first result cause it would show that he has been looking at it (auto complete).
He does cover his tracks and is one of those people that is constantly clearing messages and phone logs and emails, so it is in character but even if I was to fully beleive him it makes no sense that he would leave it in the last search!

He keeps telling me that he had done nothing and he never would etc but its extremly hard to beleive him.

I have always been a bit of a suspicious person and Ive noticed that he will msg me during the day and then when i get around to msging him back on FB messenger that the message does not reach his phone. He turns data off so he is not at home within wifi range. Then it may be a reason that he was doing laundy or gardening where the msg should still reach his phone (for those that dont use it it shows when the message has been sent, when it has reached the phone and when its been seen).

He kept saying that he has been hiding being gay for so many years that he does things constanlty to keep his cover. That could very well mean that he is very good at keeping things from me aswell.

Heart says to trust him but my brain tells me to get out.

Im juat not sure how to handle this, I almost feel bad but I just find it almost impossible to beleive him.

Please provide your thoughts.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi ratmac,

Good you have made this posting. I understand that your boyfriend is still closeted and I tend to think that still living in the closet is his biggest issue, also in all the online contacts with you and with all his other friends / relatives (etc).

Straight guys who get engaged with a girl / get a relationhip with a girl just incorporate this girl(friend) into their daily activities (online as well as in real life). No need to hide to the rest of the world that they spend much time with this particular girl (etc.) and / or that they spend all weekends at the place of this girl. For example Facebook indicates the place where you are when you will send private messages to me through Facebook.

I feel very sorry that your boyfriend does not want to tell the rest of the world that he is engaged with you. How do you see your future with a guy who needs to hide to the rest of the world that he is engaged with you?

May I ask the age of both of you? Does your boyfriend has any plans to stop with hiding / lying to the rest of the world that he is gay (and that he is engaged with you)? Incorporating you in his daily life is the most easiest way for him to let the rest of the world know that he is gay.

I would like to wish you good luck. Feel free to respond.

 

[KaraBulut]

The one thing that you didn't mention was how long the two of you had been together and whether or not the two of you have discussed commitment and monogamy.

The issue here is not that your boyfriend might be cheating. The issue is your fear of someone cheating on you.

You can't prevent someone from cheating. Your efforts to snoop into your boyfriend's personal business is not going to prevent him cheating. All you're doing is creating an atmosphere that discourages honesty and trust in your relationship.

Lack of trust, lack of communication and paranoia will kill a relationship faster than cheating.

If you want this relationship to survive then you need to first do some thinking about why having someone cheat on you is such a troubling issue for you. You also need to think about whether "cheating" means just having sex with someone else or whether it means having an emotional involvement with another person.

When you've come to a better understanding of why this is an issue for you, then it is time to talk with your boyfriend about the kind of relationship you want to have- whether that relationship is open, whether that relationship is monogamous and what the terms are for both of you. You may not get exactly what you want in terms of monogamy but at least you'll get honesty and you'll remove this fear that prompts you to spy upon your boyfriend.

If you want this (and any future) relationship to survive, you're doing to have to deal with your own issues and you're going to have to create a relationship where your boyfriend can be honest with you... and a relationship here you aren't constantly paranoid and you aren't invading your boyfriend's privacy.

 

[ratmac]

Thanks for the responses guys.
Firstly Im 28 and he is 32. We have been together for 9 months.
We are most definatley in a commited relationship and have made that clear with each other beyond a resonable doubt.
He is out to the newer people he has met since being with me and out to his grandmother who he came out to after we got together.
He is still not 100% comfortable with his sexuality yet and I have many times asked him if he is ready for a relationship which he assures me he is.
He has taken longer than I would like to come out and do a few other things but he has done them at his pace so Im not too pushy with it all.
Cheating to me is sex with other, regardless of emotion. This is something I have also made very clear and his expectations are the same from me.
There have been instances of him lying to me in the past over much smaller things so this is where my suspicions have come from if im honest. The lies he has told me were just stories which didnt add up such as being at work when he took the day cause he assumed I would dissaprove of him taking more time off work. When I pressed him and explained that I dont care about that but I just wanted truth and honesty he told the truth.
So this is why there was some suspicion when there was inconsistencies in his whereabouts. I guess thats where my concerns came from and I just needed to verify it.
Im not clear on your comment regarding why its an issue for me (please correct me if I am misunderstanding you) but I have an issue with the betrayl of trust and the worry of STI's which is just a concern of mine and the fact that someone elses behaviour can impact my health.

So thats kind of some background to how this all came up which may give you a bit more insight.

 

[Seasoned]

It's not ok to spy because it damages you and damages the relationship. If you find the spying necessary both you and the relationship have problems. It makes you co-dependent and controlling.

It would be interesting to know if either or both of your families of origin had addiction issues. Both the spying and "the easier to lie than tell the truth" are characteristics of adult children of alcoholics. Also with all his sneaking around I'd be wondering if he's a sex addict.

In any case you're not in a healthy environment. If you're both serious and would like a ltr with one another I'd suggest couple's therapy ASAP. Take it from someone who's been there.

 

[KaraBulut]

...
Cheating to me is sex with other, regardless of emotion. This is something I have also made very clear and his expectations are the same from me.
There have been instances of him lying to me in the past over much smaller things so this is where my suspicions have come from if im honest. The lies he has told me were just stories which didnt add up such as being at work when he took the day cause he assumed I would dissaprove of him taking more time off work. When I pressed him and explained that I dont care about that but I just wanted truth and honesty he told the truth.
So this is why there was some suspicion when there was inconsistencies in his whereabouts. I guess thats where my concerns came from and I just needed to verify it.
Im not clear on your comment regarding why its an issue for me (please correct me if I am misunderstanding you) but I have an issue with the betrayl of trust and the worry of STI's which is just a concern of mine and the fact that someone elses behaviour can impact my health.
So thats kind of some background to how this all came up which may give you a bit more insight.

The additional details do help.

It's difficult for someone to be honest if there's fear of how the other person will react. It is not to say that it is your fault or it is his fault, however each of you has a part to play in this problem. You don't trust him; he doesn't trust that you won't be overly suspicious or react negatively if he were to do something stupid.

At your age and where you are in your relationship is the point where either you can commit to improving your communication and fixing the things that will undermine a commitment. Couples therapy is a good option. Individual therapy to find the source of you insecurity and suspicions would also be a good idea.

 

[ratmac]

Thanks again guys.

An issue that he has always had was making assumptions about how people will react. I think he knows certain behaviours are not "desirable" therefore he tries to keep them from people even if they wont care. He decides what there reaction will be based on his own opinion.
This is another thing that I beleive has stopped him coming out to so many people. Its always a fear of how they will react, based on his own beleifs.

I dont have an inherent fear that people will cheat on me. In this situation though, too many thing he's told me dont seem quite right or add up. I put it down to his poor time managment (very much a weak point of his) initially but after a while I could no longer overlook them.

So the distrust is not inherent, its something which over time has developed.

Both our fathers did indeed have drinking problems and he also suffers from some addiction issues too. Not alcohol but something else which I wont go into. It doesnt cause big problem in our relationship but the behaviour underlying it could contribute. But again this is something which he tries to hide from a lot of people, he's open with me about it but not a lot of others. He has had very down moments where he will explain thats its to cope with life etc, but other times he is more defensive and says its just a bad habit. I dont think he likes looking weak or losing face.

Maybe it might be best to take a break from the relationship and work on individual issues first. I do love him but I dont think I can help him through this while I have trust issues, it might just make things even harder for him and myself.

 

[Seasoned]

I think you've discovered a path through these difficulties. You might be better prepared with some self-help work. If you do get back together please consider couple's counseling. Best wishes. The fact that you so readily take in what others offer tells me you are more than open to change. If you ever want to pm me regarding dysfunctional families please do.