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Are partyers, flirtatious guys less dependable?

R

redips

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I believe in monogamous relationships, so loyalty, being faithful, not having to worry that my boyfriend would cheat, is VERY important to me.

Because of this, (and perhaps wrongly) I tend to avoid dating bar rats, flirtatious guys, guys who love to party and get drunk... This is probably due to my relationship experience. I've really only had two serious relationships: one guy who loves to drink and party, who eventually cheated on me; and another guy who is much more mellow, doesn't drink, is very level-headed--I didn't have to worry about him cheating, even if we spend time away from each other.

Because my experience is fairly limited, I'm interested to know if I'm just being too judgmental? I realize that it's much easier for people to do stupid things while drunk. I also realize that some seemingly level-headed people can still be sluts without a drink. But, I'm wondering, if in general, you would be more worried about your boyfriend cheating if he's the party type.

The reason I'm asking is this: I've been seeing this guy. He's very sweet. A lot of things are really going very well between the two of us. But, I've been ambivalent because he LOVES to party and get drunk. He would meet guys at a bar, and be very open about texting them all the time. We're still at the point where we don't spend all our time together, so there are times when he would go out with his friends, and I'd feel a little...uneasy let's say.

Again, this is probably because this aspect of him really resembles my first ex who cheated on me. But I'm wondering if I've let my one bad experience make me unnecessarily judgmental? What do you guys think?
 
^ hear you but consider this .......

not everything is as it appears

sometimes what you see is what you get and other times you just never know

get to know this guy - what he's really like

the over drinking or getting drunk is not such a good thing for sure - and i don't mean in terms of cheating - just in terms of stability/reliability and his own health and the health of your relationship

sounds like things are still new now - give it time - watch/talk/listen/learn

and form a real opinion about him

but i think generalizing about guys like that will only serve to limit your opps

just saying

good luck
 
Yes, you're being too judgmental.

It might be more true to a certain degree, but I'm convinced that you can't judge a book by it's cover.
 
If things were "going well" between you then he would not be going to bars. I think you two are not on the same page.
 
rjmrjm21 said:
If things were "going well" between you then he would not be going to bars. I think you two are not on the same page.
Click to expand...

So he only goes to bars when his friends come to visit, and they go out partying together. I'd certainly be concerned about him going to a bar on his own.

So I feel like I can still trust him, but I agree, that I should probably give this some time. I'd just hate to set myself up for heartbreak though, so I'm interested in what you guys think.
 
There's no reason not to keep dating him. Let some time pass, see if he's a good fit for you. I agree the bar and getting drunk scene is not a compatibility with you. If you're in a relationship with someone, you should be going to the bars together and drinking. If it's just him, then it's a conflict you need to resolve at some point. Alcohol makes good people do stupid things.
 
Let me share with you my experience, as I've been categorized as a "bar rat" before.

I'm a very social person.... I love to go out, meet new people, have a good time, make new friends. I don't say that in a "meet new people really means random hookups" kind of way though. Albeit, that is what it means for some, thats not the case for me.

When I enter a relationship, that side of me goes back burner BIG time, because I don't enter relationships unless I'm willing to make a guy a priority in my life. When I'm single, I go out with my good friends and have a blast. Although, even when I'm in a relationship, I do have a few nights every couple of months where I'll go out without my boyfriend and just my good friends and party a little bit, but I've always been trusted and respected the trust that boyfriends have placed in me.

I think you should have a conversation with him, and let him know how you feel. He may have the same approach I do, he may not, but you won't know if you don't have the conversation.
 
If the first thing that comes to mind when you think of a relationship is cheating I think you you are setting yourself up as victim. Repeated encounters constitutes a relationship. Turning that into a monogamous relationship takes agreement and commitment by both parties. And guess what? It's not a done deal at that point. If you are looking for absolute piece of mind forever you are not going to find it.

My partner and I will be together 28 years this summer. We have " a day at a time" inscribed in the wedding rings we wear. There is no absolute certainty in a relationship with another person. That's what you have with a dog. A committed relationship with a spouse requires work, renewal, compassion and willingness to communicate. It's exciting, living, ever-changing, predictable in it's unpredictability, and self-revealing. The issue with alcohol is one of escapism. A drunk person isn't intellectually present no matter what their behavior. Being tuned out on anything means the person is unavailable. If sexual faithfulness is your main concern stay away from sluts whether drunk or sober.
 
It completely depends on the person, everyone will be different, someone may be very outgoing, and go drinking and partying a lot but they may still be loyal to you and not cheat etc.. where-as others may not.. It's about waiting for the right guy to come along, if your in a relationship and don't feel comfortable that your boyfriend might cheat on you then hes most likely not right for you.. Very important thing in a relationship is trust.
 
There is no definite. Some guys are dependable for certain things, some not at all, and some are fully dependable. It all depends on who they are, not what they do with their spare time.


All I can say is trust him, and if he betrays you, put his balls in a vice
 
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