are some people just not built for intimacy?

[offthewall14420]

I've never felt intimacy w/ anyone in my life, particularly during sex. I'm have social leprosy and generally assume the worst of people. The only people that can be trusted are life-long friends and family.

Are some people meant to die alone?

 

[72-Jay]

In my daydreams, I soo want to be all intimate and cuddly with someone.

In real life I'm no good at making/keeping friends (though I am good at driving people away ) I'm truly unfriendable/unloveable...so I'll be single forever.

(note: I don't see 'single' as a bad thing)

 

[eastofeden]

I think Hollywood and Fiction have successfully provided us with images of what life should be and unfortunately there are alot of images of "sad" and "lonely" when it comes to single people.....

.....but as long as people are individuals and not cookie cutter copies of each other..there will be as many life paths as there are individuals...

I have personally met alot of people who are completely happy and at peace with themselves and the world around them who are single....and I have heard alot of them mention that they know they are "meant" to be alone and are OK with it. Why are they meant to be alone?...I am not sure. Maybe it is something they just "know"....

I guess I would ask if you are happy with your path in life or does it bother you? If it bothers you...maybe it is just something the rest of the world has put on you...maybe it isn't really how YOU think....

Oh yeah...no matter how many people who love you or whom you love..we all die alone unless we plan on dragging someone with us at the last minute....

 

[SeaCore]

I'd never really thought about it, but I'm not entirely sure I understand what 'intimacy' means. Do you think you could describe what you would consider that to be?

This thread is seeming... Excessively downbeat. I don't think people are destined for misery or are so at odds with humanity that they will never be able to connect with someone. That doesn't necessarily mean being romantically connected. For some people, sure, romance isn't an asset to them. But for those people to live a healthy life there are still things that they have to have to derive a sense of fulfillment from.

So I'm wondering, is this thread asking the right question? Because if it's not then you're not being given the support that you need and I think people want to be able to give it to you. I do, at the very least.
In other words, could this question that you're asking us be a symptom of a greater problem and could we resolve the problem you're facing here by tackling the overarching issue?

 

[ballcaphair]

I've never felt intimacy w/ anyone in my life, particularly during sex. I'm have social leprosy and generally assume the worst of people. The only people that can be trusted are life-long friends and family.

Are some people meant to die alone?

I think this is the whole point of Heaven.
How ever it shakes out, I wish you a little Heaven on Earth.

 

[offthewall14420]

Subconscious and conscious can't reconcile w/ each other. A turbulent mind feels more intensely. An intimate friendship, family or otherwise platonic relationship - fine. I can control the depth of feeling and isolate when overwhelmed. But they are fulfilling for the most part.

Having a long-term boyfriend scares me. I fear getting too attached, or self-sabotaging. It's not deserved because I'd fuck it up.

 

[SeaCore]

A turbulent mind feels more intensely.

I don't agree with this statement because, to me, it implies that you would also feel joy and happiness more strongly in addition to the other emotions.
But that's not what happens when your mind's turbulent. Instead your mind poisons everything with unnecessary negative emotions that erode your ability to feel content.
Negative emotions aren't entirely bad, we need them to help motivate adjustments and understand when something is going wrong. But like anything it can go into excessive territory that begins to actively cause harm.

Having a long-term boyfriend scares me. I fear getting too attached, or self-sabotaging. It's not deserved because I'd fuck it up.

I think a lot of people don't feel like they are worthy of being loved but that it's not an issue of 'worth' to begin with. And it is okay for you to fuck up. That is just a part of being human and we need to recognize that we allow other people to make mistakes and that we're doing ourselves a disservice by not cutting ourselves the same slack when it comes to making mistakes ourselves. Mistakes let us learn how to be better people and grow.

 

[offthewall14420]

Drugs have fucked up my ability to feel euphoria properly. I'll never apologize for being a pessimist. It's necessary to offset the optimists who live in a bubble.

If I make a mistake, I try to put myself in the shoes of the person who I pissed off, and then find a way for that person to blame them-self. From that perspective I can minimize responsibility and not grow from the mistake.

Not all the time of course. More of a last defense.

 

[SeaCore]

I'll never apologize for being a pessimist.

I'm certainly not trying to imply that you need to be an optimist but I consider a realist distinct from an pessimist.

If I make a mistake, I try to put myself in the shoes of the person who I pissed off, and then find a way for that person to blame them-self. From that perspective I can minimize responsibility and not grow from the mistake.

I think it's interesting that you recognize your ability to gaslight because I don't think most people who do it, do.

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Let me go back a bit because I'm seeing a bit of a connection here.

Having a long-term boyfriend scares me. I fear getting too attached, or self-sabotaging. It's not deserved because I'd fuck it up.

"I fear ... self-sabotaging. It's not deserved because I'd fuck it up."
The way you're talking it sounds more like the reversal. That you don't feel like you deserve it so you self-sabotage and thus fear fucking it up because you've become too attached.
I'm not trying to twist your words it's just starting to sound like that is closer to what you meant based on your last post.

And the way I see it, that points to this primarily being an issue of attachment. Which makes a lot of sense, that you might have trouble with attachment because of your history with drugs. I can conceive of how the two might connect as being things that bring intense pleasure that can leave a person defenseless when forced to be without.

I see that as significant because it might be helpful for you to talk to people that have been burned similarly; as it sounds like you've been based on the euphoria comment.


Also, let me know if you want me to drop out of the conversation. I understand my interpretation could be driving into territory that is upsetting.

 

[offthewall14420]

I had problems with attachment before the drugs (legally prescribed). Turns out pain killers will keep you euphoric for years on end and then it's hard to get euphoric ever again. Which is kinda nice because it's also sedating.

Yes, it all comes down to your mother. That and genetic features of how the mind works. But like 50% of the population has the same 'problem' so who's to say what's healthy and not healthy?

 

[ballcaphair]

^ What sea core said. Regarding intimacy, we are having an intimate conversation right now. Please dpn't confuse intimacy with love; at times it is almost impossible to do. On many levels I feel you, brother, intimately.

 

[ballcaphair]

I'm certainly not trying to imply that you need to be an optimist but I consider a realist distinct from an pessimist.


I think it's interesting that you recognize your ability to gaslight because I don't think most people who do it, do.

.
.
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Let me go back a bit because I'm seeing a bit of a connection here.


"I fear ... self-sabotaging. It's not deserved because I'd fuck it up."
The way you're talking it sounds more like the reversal. That you don't feel like you deserve it so you self-sabotage and thus fear fucking it up because you've become too attached.
I'm not trying to twist your words it's just starting to sound like that is closer to what you meant based on your last post.

And the way I see it, that points to this primarily being an issue of attachment. Which makes a lot of sense, that you might have trouble with attachment because of your history with drugs. I can conceive of how the two might connect as being things that bring intense pleasure that can leave a person defenseless when forced to be without.

I see that as significant because it might be helpful for you to talk to people that have been burned similarly; as it sounds like you've been based on the euphoria comment.


Also, let me know if you want me to drop out of the conversation. I understand my interpretation could be driving into territory that is upsetting.

^ What sea core said. Regarding intimacy, we are having an intimate conversation right now. Please dpn't confuse intimacy with love; at times it is almost impossible to do. On many levels I feel you, brother, intimately.

 

[offthewall14420]

Ironic isn't it. There's something about the semi-anonymous/safe place thing that makes it easier for me. Who cares what strangers or rats think (if someone wants to use this against me).

My problem is intimacy w/ those i love or want to love. My family was very WASPy, no hugs, no shows of affection, no 'i love u'. Now they're trying to change and I hate it.

 

[ballcaphair]

^ We are virtual to each other, but our intentions are honest. Wear our comments like a suit of armour. Sounds like your family is evolving. You can hate the process; it's the result and your emotions that are yours. I am a sincere stranger who is in your corner.