Arrrg My Parents Doubt My Sexuality

[Mitsukuni]

Hey Volcom

You have made a huge step in coming out to your parents, something that I still haven't done. My family is not a religious one, but I still think it would be a disappointment for my mom.

I guess the best think you can do is just give your mom sometime to let her figure things out.

best wishes. i'll be sending good vibes

 

[eddiericky]

I think Volcom, for everything in life, it always takes time...just try to see how it goes

 

[Kurn]

Volcom, there's a thorn-bush of insubstantial assumptions in your Post. This comment is mostly contra- your poor mama and in your support.
There are several verses in the NT that tell people "to not be anxious."
Maybe that will help. What will be will be.
Get hollerin here on JUB [or use community resources if there are any] if she seems set on sending you to "reparative therapy" or whatever it's called. But if it's a legitimate family counselor, it might do a lot of good.


And, to be sure, after re-reading your Post, sometimes changes happen in the brain, later in life. But it's not something that happens much by people "encouraging" it. It just happens or it doesn't. Take care.

 

[KaraBulut]

From what I can tell from reading your posts, including this one, it is your mother that needs the therapist, not you.

You seem well-adjusted and level-headed. Your mother is stuck in the denial phase of grieving.

Maybe some bartering is in order- you'll go to the therapist if she starts going to PFLAG meetings with you?

 

[luminum]

I think it's important to understand where she is coming from, a place of love, but kindly reinforce your sexuality to her when that kind of thing happens. You may eventually get frustrated, but I think it's better to just let her say that and kindly respond with something like "Mom, you know that's not going to happen. I don't want a girl."

It can be frustrating, though and I get how you felt kind of betrayed. My parents did the same thing. They wanted me to see a therapist "to just talk things out" and claimed it wasn't about "not making me gay." A few months later, my mom and I had a fight and she said she was exasperated because all my work with my therapist hadn't made me straight. The truth came out.

I felt pretty betrayed, too.

Anyway, it's like you're saying. They'll only get their hopes up and hurt themselves by maintaining these illusions. Plus, it may be helpful to describe how it feels offensive that she would put this kind of pressure on you and wish you to be someone you aren't. If she has respect for you, she should accept you as you are and understand what will make you happy.

 

[GL]

i have to say i'm in complete agreement with luminum and his assessment.

as for the op, you're just going to have to be patient with your mother. its a lot for her to adjust to. you will have to stand your ground and remember that what she says and does is not done out of spite. best of luck...

 

[youngnihilist]

read your posts you're a good kid , your mom needs to get over herself

 

[Atomw7]

I love bible thumpers!

http://www.wvinter.net/~haught/Bible.html][/url]
Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I am trying to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual livestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how best to follow them.

A: When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

B: I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

C: I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

D: Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

E: I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

F: A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

G: Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

H: Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I: I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

J: My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field - as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev. 24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair as we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's law is eternal and unchanging.

 

[Deccus]

I feel slightly bad because my mother has been really caring and has tried to understand. She has been as supportive as she can, it is just she so badly wants me to be straight, and it hurts me, because I want to make her happy.

And thanks Luminium, that was a really nice post.

I hate to say it, but there is alot more she could be doing to help you out. You shouldn't feel bad at all. You're being truthful with your mother and she is being truthful with you, however i personally think she should be doing alittle more encouraging then discouraging.

I think you should sit down with your mom and have a big talk about it. Tell her how you feel, and that you want to make her happy but at the same time see needs to accept and respect how you are, it really takes two. She also needs to know how tough it is for you as a gay male; and overall needs to understand that this is how you feel and that this is how you are.

 

[megustamyn]

There is a great organization called PFLAG that is dedicated to providing support and resources for parents of gay people. It might do you and your parents good to get in touch with them or even just download some of their materials. The main website is http://community.pflag.org/NETCOMMUNITY/Page.aspx?pid=194. The San Diego chapter can be found at http://www.pflag.com/.

 

[slnattak]

Listen kid, when I pick you up to hang out with you and fuck you in the ass the last thing I wanna hear is you whining about mom. Nobody likes that in the real world. I care about you sweetheart, not your bitch of a mommy. And if you wanna talk about issues, try being in Starr Fucking Commonwealth and being the only guy with the balls to say he was gay.

So don't let it drag you down. I mean I don't approve of heterosexuality much myself. It's not like I want all straight men to be unhappy and unloved because of that. Our success in life shouldn't depend on what straight people think of us. I know it's politically incorrect of me to say so- but 9 times out of 10 straight people have no idea what they're talking about, and you want their love? They ain't worthy.

I know no straight person is going 'oooh my life totally revolves around my gay friend and what he thinks of me' so why give straight people that much power?

Guys he doesn't need therapy. It's just making the situation worse to me. You're not giving the gay guy his power back, you're making him a victim to a very heterosexist system. What the hell....just meet me. I'm the only 'therapy' you'll ever need. Therapy is for pansies. Believe me I know, I had lots of therapy and it just made me a big sissy. Only thing that worked was simply living. For me and other gay men like me, not some silly straight person that doesn't know what they're talking about LOL.

Sorry but I gotta laugh at your pain cause I know what works and what doesn't. If you really wanna hear how to get over your issues, then talk to me privately. And don't expect straight people to understand or 'get you.' They're STRAIGHT. Dear Lord people this is Gay 101. And also, not every gay guy is going to think you're wonderful too. Get over it already. I think you're okay if it matters.

I'll shut up though cause I get warned for making comments that are supposedly 'abusive.' But screw it, gays are never going to feel good if you coddle and protect them too much. PS: I think PFLAG is pretty cool. Just be kick ass about being gay not emo and poor me about it. Otherwise you'll just be treated the way you feel about yourself. But sometimes the problem is really them, not you. Then you just kick their ass. *shrug*

 

[luminum]

I think you actually missed the point about his post in all your bravado, but it's a valid point to make...given some qualifications.

No one is saying he "needs" therapy. His mother wanted him to see someone because she hoped it would change him or help him figure out if he was confused, which he isn't. He went most likely because he wanted to do something in good faith with her, not because he's ashamed of being gay, or fears a heterosexist society.

It's an identity issue in which the individual seeks to enlighten those around him who he cares about, not an emo "woe is me, I'm gay and I don't want it to conflict with my parents" problem.

"Going out and living" is going to make him feel more affirmed and comfortable with his own sexuality, but it doesn't seem like he has that problem. He's fine with his sexuality.

Mediating and communicating with his parents to help them understand, as much as they can as heterosexuals, is what will fill his other need, to be accepted by his family/peers. I don't think he believes the solution to be cow towing to his parents' wishes. Rather, he's seeking advice on how to fix his parents' perceptions and venting about his frustration that they still have not understood their role as supportive parents.

He's not looking for a straight person's approval, he's looking for acceptance. I think your post imagines that he's seeking approval from heterosexuals (a dynamic in which the negotiation of power involves him giving up power for something from them), when really he's seeking acceptance from heterosexuals through broadening their understanding (a dynamic in which he has the power--understanding-- and they need to become more aware and understanding in order to balance things back to how their dynamic as a family should be if sexuality wasn't an issue).

 

[Lube]

It's simple: Your mom is only thinking about herself--what she wants from life.

She is not thinking about you--and what you want from life.

As long as she stays in that frame of mind, you will never win her over, no matter how "nice" she is.

You have to be forthright with her: Mom, this is the way I am. It will not change ever. Accept it. You need to make her see you for what you are, not what she wants you to be.