Asexual and Gay?

[Kadratis]

Having been in yet another unsuccessful relationship once again, I had a discussion with somebody regarding my sexuality. While I'm comfortable being labeled as gay, but there's a certain part of me that just isn't sexual. I like being in the company of a man, or even a woman sometimes, but I just have no sexual desires whatsoever when it comes to that part of a relationship. Does that make me asexual? I mean, the only time I've tried having sex has been very uncomfortable ('tis basically why I broke up with my current boyfriend), and just wasn't for me. Is that weird or is it just another part of me that's all fricked up inside my mind?

 

[Royal Heart]

I'm the same way - I'm just not into sex. I'd much rather do something else with a significant other. I do experience sexuality to the degree that I need to have a wank every now and then but, beyond that, I feel no compelling need to have sex with anyone.

 

[Cognition]

Eh, I wish I was asexual so I wouldn't have to deal with this miserable, boring life of mine.

 

[Lube]

Do you like to cuddle & kiss, but just not have sex?

Maybe you should see a doctor and see if there's a medical problem.

 

[josher]

^^I agree.

 

[snoopydog]

I know exactly how you feel.

Online friends and family IRL tell me to date, but I don't. I'd love to have a lifetme relationship, but not having anyone in my life isn't making me cry. I just don't look for someone. I live my life and work a lot, and just don't ever expect to find a nice guy to love and be with for my lifetime.

Things could always change, I guess, but I don't look for a change.

 

[Daphnis216]

I think it might be helpful to distinguish being asexual and being celibate. I see being celibate as more of a conscious decision, while being asexual is probably more of an innate characteristic. If that's truly the case, and bear in mind I'm not saying categorically that it is, then being asexual is probably quite normal for those people who orient toward that. Is asexuality an orientation unto itself? Perhaps, perhaps not. But in response to the poster and his question, I'd say take it one day at a time and see how things unfold. With something like this I don't think you can force a conclusion, it can only be arrived at over time. In either case, please don't view yourself as being alone in feeling like this. I suspect that there's a lot more people who feel the same even if they won't necessarily own it. In our culture to not have sex for whatever reason is, in many ways, an even more radical statement than being gay or bisexual. Best of luck...

 

[Royal Heart]

Do you like to cuddle & kiss, but just not have sex?

Maybe you should see a doctor and see if there's a medical problem.

That may be the case, but only if a there were a pre-existing enjoyment of sex. Say, for a while you enjoy having sex and then, out of the blue, that enjoyment vanishes. That could be the sign of a medical issue.

Never having the enjoyment of sex isn't necessarily a medical issue, it's simply the way you are.

I think it might be helpful to distinguish being asexual and being celibate. I see being celibate as more of a conscious decision, while being asexual is probably more of an innate characteristic. If that's truly the case, and bear in mind I'm not saying categorically that it is, then being asexual is probably quite normal for those people who orient toward that. Is asexuality an orientation unto itself? Perhaps, perhaps not. But in response to the poster and his question, I'd say take it one day at a time and see how things unfold. With something like this I don't think you can force a conclusion, it can only be arrived at over time. In either case, please don't view yourself as being alone in feeling like this. I suspect that there's a lot more people who feel the same even if they won't necessarily own it. In our culture to not have sex for whatever reason is, in many ways, an even more radical statement than being gay or bisexual. Best of luck...

With celibacy, you abstain from sex - but you still enjoy the act and you want to engage in it.

With asexuality, you abstain from sex because you do not enjoy it, and you do not want to engage in it. It differs from sexual aversion (where sex scares or disgusts you) in that the desire simply isn't there.

 

[ZonerTC]

I've become the same way recently. Many friends comment that I haven't had a relationship for a while, however I'm quick to point out that I don't need or want one right now. I'm actually very happy being on my own.

The social pressure to be in a relationship (of any orientation) is intense. I say; ignore it, your body and mind is saying: "Concentrate on something else." Maybe you need to focus your energy elsewhere in your life right now?!

 

[Royal Heart]

Not necessarily, this could be the result of a long time hormonal imbalance or other issue. At the ages of 20 and 26 it is very uncommon to not want sex. Visiting a doctor couldn't hurt.

I agree that it couldn't hurt. I've actually been to a doctor (both physical and mental) and they've both told me repeatedly that there's nothing wrong with me. I'm physically fine and mentally healthy. I just don't like sex.

The issue could also be mental. Have you had any bad sexual experiences?

No, but then I haven't had any good sexual experiences because sex bores me. Five minutes into it, I'm wishing I was reading a good book or watching a movie instead.

 

[Lube]

Well, that's also why I asked about kissing & cuddling (although I don't pretend to be a shrink). Is it sex or intimacy that one doesn't want?

 

[Royal Heart]

In my case, it's the sex that isn't wanted. The kissing, cuddling, hugs, et cetera is definitely on the "want" table.

 

[Kadratis]

Yeah, I'm the same way. I love showing affection (maybe with some tongue now and then), but sex just doesn't do it for me. I too, also enjoy wacking off at least once a day, but the actual practice in sex is just not appealing at all. I've tried four times (with four different guys, and many different positions and ways) and while trying it, it leaves me feeling the same way: I just don't like it. Fun to watch, but not fun to do. I just finished up the work for the guy to help get him off, but it was pretty boring for me.

I'm thinking it may also be a rare possibility that the mood stabilizers I take may be inhibiting my sexual desires, but I've been the same with or without throughout puberty. I'd go see a doctor, but I don't think they'd be willing to help me since not only because I'm 20, but also because I'm on Medicaid. The doctor I'd probably get stuck with seeing would be underpaid and possibly give me a prescription of generic Viagra and say, "Go have fun."

 

[Tizinsane]

I'm the same way - I'm just not into sex. I'd much rather do something else with a significant other. I do experience sexuality to the degree that I need to have a wank every now and then but, beyond that, I feel no compelling need to have sex with anyone.

Yep, I feel the same way most of the time.

 

[fjancsi80]

Although I am far from asexual - actually on the contrary, I always think about sex - but the act itself can be really boring. It happens with me often too. Sex depends on your mood, your relationship with the other person, your hidden psychological problems etc. I think you are simply not accustomed to gay sex and haven't find your best partner yet.

 

[stiletto]

Sure, yeah, I have no reason to doubt the existence of "asexual gays". While I'm neither asexual (nor hypersexual), I can still kind of 'get' asexuality. What I mean is, I can imagine what it would be like, to some degree. I also sometimes go through periods of what I consider 'quasi-asexuality'.

While sex is moderately important to me, but definitely not of utmost importance. However, at this point, relationships don't interest me a whole lot, either.

 

[Kadratis]

^ Same here. And I've had to grow up mentally when I was just a young teenager because of all the hateful and horrible things that my classmates did to me. But, part of the sacrifice of maturing quickly is that some parts don't even mature at all. Those parts primarily being my relationship and sexual skills. All of the relationships that I've had in the past usually only last a month or two at most. I just feel as if I get to close to them and finish opening up to them, they'd run for the hills. So I just did it for them. But I will definitely be mentioning this with my psychiatrist when I see her next week.

You guys have no idea how much you guys mean to me. You are all always here when I need you guys. I love you all to death!

 

[Lube]

Yeah, I wouldn't be where I am today without the people at JUB. Great bunch of guys (and the occasional gal) here.

 

[seven_sins]

"Asexual" seems to be a "new" category of sexuality that has been recently identified. Apparently, asexuals identify as being either gay or straight, but they are not interested in sex. Interesting.

Article on Asexuals.

 

[terps420]

I think that very, very few people are legitimately asexual. We're human... our entire existence is almost solely based on the purpose of us procreating (or for us gays, trying to haha). I used to be prescribed anti-depressants for a "chemical imbalance" that stabilized my moods as a teenager, from 13-16, and until I finally stopped taking them, I just thought I had a ridiculously low libido or something.
While that may be the case if you're also taking something along those lines, I think it also might be some kind of a intimacy issue that you should try working out. Maybe find someone who fits the bill of your exact type, at least physically.