Asian coming out

[AsianDream]

Like many Asian guys I live a secret life. My family do not know that I’m gay – and I’ve kept this secret for a long time.

I know that they would think of this as bringing shame on our family – also in terms of sexual morality my values are totally different to my parents.

I do not have a regular boyfriend – but I have sex with many other guys- I am careful to keep this safe – but like many gay guys –my lifestyle is very promiscuous – I do not feel bad about this myself – but I worry what my parents would think if they knew.

I think if I had a regular boyfriend I might be able to tell them – though I think they would not take it well - but to tell them that I am a “Gay Slut” would maybe be much worse.

It is getting increasingly difficult for me as my parents are anxious for me to find a wife – Ive not told my friends – but I think they know I am gay – I have sex quite often with three of my male friends (one of whom is married) – but I don’t think our other friends suspect this.

For my own feelings - I would like my parents to know – but maybe this is selfish of me – I think they would be more happy not knowing – but they do want me to find a wife – it becomes ever more difficult when we talk about this.

I would really like to hear from other guys with an Asian cultural background who have been through the same situation.

I have talked about this with a number of Caucasian friends – but their entire concept of family is different to mine.

I do deeply respect my parents – I know they are very proud of me – which is why I do not want to bring shame on our family. But also I do not want to carry on lying to them

 

[Boogerqueesha]

My parents are both 廣東人, and I'm guessing yours are, too. Both of them came to America for college, but they kept a very Cantonese household.

They may be more liberal than your parents, but both of them took the *gay* part pretty well. The thing that bothered them most was my mother's concern about disease. She doesn't know much about gays, but she does know that they are promiscuous, and at higher risk for STDs for it, and that was the first thing she said- that I should be careful.

Both of them told me that it didn't matter, and that I should concentrate on getting through school, and finding a good job. Both of them used to ask me about girls fairly often, but afterwards, neither of them ask me about boys. I think it'll just take them some time.

I think you are right- that they would be much happier if you didn't tell them you're having multiple sex partners. Your mother, like mine, would probably worry for your health. However, it is your life. If you get a boyfriend just to make it easy for your parents, you probably won't be having a very faithful and happy romance.

I think you should live your sexual life the way you want to, but if you are living as a 'gay slut', you shouldn't let your parents know- they really don't need to. You CAN tell your parents that you are GAY, without telling them that you sleep around. That way you can be honest, but you can keep your privacy. Think about it: would your parents need to know about your sexual life, if you were straight, and had sex with a lot of women? No.

Tell them that you're gay now. If they ask 'how can you know?!?' you can tell them that you have slept with a man before, but you cannot tell them who. If they ask about your sexual habits, you can just say that you don't have a boyfriend yet. Then later, if/when you find a stable boyfriend, you can bring him home, and they will be ready and ok with it.

You can keep them from knowing things without lying to them, and you can also tell them what they need to know. Does that sound good?

 

[Nurlan2]

I'd like to dispel everybody of the idea that you can make generalizations about "Asian people" or our families. Even within one country (say, China), there are huge differences. You guys' families and mine are all technically Chinese, but there are huge differences between your southern culture and ours (Kazakh and Northwestern). Maybe Cantonese society is more conservative, but probably not as conservative as the small, rural, Muslim towns my family originally came from. Yet, my parents are open-minded and very liberal. (Of course, they chose to emigrate, so self-selection could have something to do with it. But I digress.) More broadly speaking, all families are different, and everybody in the world has different kinds of baggage.

The best way to "respect" your family, as you put it, is to tell them how you truly feel about things. Deception is not going to make anyone better off in the long run. Your parents love you, and I'm sure they want you to be happy. Good luck.

 

[Nurlan2]

Hey, just out of curiosity (since you evidently live in Hong Kong). Maybe I'm being ignorant, but should I be surprised, given where you live, that you think of yourself as being "Dave [or whatever your name is], a gay Asian," rather than just "Dave, a gay dude" or even just "Dave"? I've never been there, but isn't the vast majority of Hong Kong's population "Asian"? (Lots of Chinese, obviously, but don't forget the thousands of Indians and Iranians!). The concept of "Asian" doesn't mean a whole lot when you're IN Asia, because people think more about their individual cultures. Here in the U.S., people tend to lump together all people with dark hair, skinny eyes, and pale skin as the "Asians," which I suppose has a degree of logic to it (even if it's geographically inaccurate and both limited as well as limiting). Anyway, you're in a major, modern city, and I'm sure your parents have heard a thing or two about human sexuality. At least Chinese society is mostly pretty secular, and there's nothing of the kind of vitriolic Bible-thumping damning-people-to-hell homophobia that exists in, say, my country. Even if you were from a rural place like the ones my family originally came from, people might be curious or ignorant about homosexuality*, but they wouldn't feel like beating you up with a tire-iron.

(I hesitate to say "gay people," because that's a very Western concept. I'm sure the prevalence of homosexuality is more than incidental even in these rural places, but people probably just think of it as being their "thing," rather than as some kind of personal identity.)

 

[boyboycurious]

I agree with booger.

I know how you feel. I come from a chinese background and the idea of even being Bi i think is shocking enough for them (my family at least anyway)

My brother is gay though, and no one in the family know. He doesn't even know that I know and I often wondered what it will be like when he come clean with them. It's almost time they pester him about girlfriend and wife issue in a few years time.

Good luck

 

[TomahawkEagle]

Hey AsianDream, I'm from Hong Kong and yeah I get the "when am I getting married" question from relatives in Hong Kong and Taiwan.

Only my friends know that I'm into guys. My parents to don't know. And of course I'm still a virgin and at my age it's getting to the stage where I can't control my urges (but that's another issue).

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you and are you still studying (in school/uni) or working?

 

[fiorio]

i'm from Chinese background in US. i told my mom and she couldn't deal with it at all.
my mind is very rebel. i don't care what she think. i will live a life that makes myself happy. you choose a life that makes you happy.
you only live once, you either live for youself, or you live for somebody else, which is pathetic.

 

[NephilimSin]

Good, good. I wish everyone was thinking like you. I am tired of that bullshit when people care about what others might think of them.

Yes, believe what you think is right and live for yourself. Know has no control of your life but you.

rebellion is always the road to go..lol.