Ask Agony Aunt Caligula - here for the crippled and needy

[caligula]

After a week of giddying JUB crises that have seen, among other things, my beloved fiancé Cum_Slave banned for throwing one tanty too many, it has seemed to me that JUB is in real need of a kind girl who CARES.

I spent many hours fingering my beads last night, pondering what THIS kind girl might give to the JUB community in a way that will only HELP and never hinder other poor girls in their calamities.

And then I seized upon it. I'll shit out some so-called advice.

My PM box is filled to bursting with entreaties from girls looking for guidance in matters intimate, and while I do my best to respond to every sad plea personally, it's started to get on my tits that some of you are so fucking useless.

So, this new thread will both streamline the process and bring your grotesque personal lives to public attention, where they belong.

So let's kick things off with this heart-breaking cry for empathy that I found in my junk-slot this morning:


Dear Auntie Caligula

Ever since your dignified debut months ago when you shared with us your decision to try anal bleaching, I've found I could think of little else.

It seemed to me that perhaps my own cruel treatment by public lavatory tricks could be a thing of the past if I made my anus pearlescent like yours.

For obvious reasons I prefer the company of visually impaired gentlemen when trolling in the bogs, but even those fucking blind bastards dart off at light speed once they've drilled me.

This is why I took the big step last week of having my anus professionally bleached from deep khaki to bright ivory. Not to impress the blind, of course - they couldn't fucking see it anyway - I did it purely to give myself just a fraction of your self-confidence.

Well, you should see the results! I bend over in front of a mirror now and it's like I've whacked a live LED up my ring.

So, now that I've followed your earlier sage words, Aunt Callie, do you think I'm at last ready to ditch the visually impaired and sally forth, my anus glittering like a glow worm, ready to hook me some new tricks?

Signed, Scrub.


Dear Scrub

I certainly do. You've grown as a woman, darling, and it's more than time to graduate up to the deaf.

I grow giddy just thinking about the potential benefits you'll reap with this exciting move. There'll be no one to hear you, no one to understand you, and most delightfully of all, no one to criticize you - at least not in a language you can ever hope to understand.

Just think, from their bewildered point of view, your cavernous gob will be flapping away in silence (that we could all be so blessed!) until they brutally shove their cocks in it simply to stop the thing twitching.

Let me know how you progress, darling. I'll be more than happy to suggest further cosmetic remedies that might help you go on to hook boys with cerebral palsy, for instance.

xxxxx C



Let's hope my reply gives dear Scrub some pointers for future fulfillment.

Please post comments and your own pleas for assistance to this thread and I'll respond if I like the look of you.

 

[caligula]

Bump!

This thread really SHOULD be at the head of Hot Topics.

 

[caligula]

I've meeting someone for the first time next week Aunty Cali. How do I set about seducing him?

Dear Ravenstar

Given that we BOTH know the "someone new" you're meeting next week is not a blind date at all, but your proctologist, you should be offering thanks to me for pulling the strings that allow you to be seen so promptly after the "accident". Seduction seems to me VERY premature given the three balled socks you now need to keep your rectie where it should be.

But this is an advice thread, after all, so I shall pretend you asked me how you might stop going for such protracted and meandering walks in Centennial Park, given that it was on one of these outings that you met the gentleman with the cricket bat who took such violent objection to what you proposed to him.

It was his objections, of course, coupled with the cricket bat, that have required you to seek the services of the proctologist as a consequence.

Return to solitary masturbation in your lavatory, is my advice to you, Ravenstar. You used to do so much of it and you were good at it too.

Stop all this leaving the house nonsense. Lilbit attempted something very similar when she ventured out to Michigan for Spring Break, and look at how all THAT turned out for her?

The worst of it being that she ended up with piles on top of everything else.

I hope this helps.

I also hope the proctologist helps considerably more.

xxxxxxx

 

[LilBit]

Stop all this leaving the house nonsense. Lilbit attempted something very similar when she ventured out to Michigan for Spring Break, and look at how all THAT turned out for her?

The worst of it being that she ended up with piles on top of everything else.

Piles and piles of damn good baklava, you mean. Don't be jealous.

 

[caligula]

Well of course I thank you for helping Cali. It's not just anyone who'll give up their free exam, especially after you had to pay for the first 13 of them.

Nicely said, Ravenstar. Truth be told, I was starting to suspect something was amiss with that proctologist, which was why I very happy to flip you my appointment.

My own fissure stitches were removed way back in appointment no 5. How many times does this bastard need to "check for scarring" I asked myself as I slipped in the stirrups again at appointment no 12? And why do I always pass out after taking a sip of his "Jesus juice"?

Let me know if "kissing it better" is included among your own anal cures when he examines you on Tuesday.

In other news, this touching missive was poked in my slot:


Dear Aunt Caligula

When I was invited by a bunch of college students to go on a Spring Break jaunt to Michigan, I thought Santa had come early with his sack. I had no idea what was in Michigan or why anyone would wish to go there, but who was I to split hairs? Especially when I've got so many hairs upon my back and arse.

I'd quietly masturbated alone in my lavatory for YEARS fantasizing about spirited young people spit-roasting me, and now my smutty prayers had been answered.

But imagine my crushing hurt, Aunt Callie, when I rocked up on departure day with a week's worth of crotchless gingham panties in my vanity case only to find out they just wanted me to drive the bus? My cluster-fuck dreams were in pieces.

Ever since that sad day I've been scoffing baklava like a bastard possessed, trying to comfort myself. It's working. Please tell me, Aunt Callie, am I a disgusting pig?

Signed, Lilbit


Dear Lilbit

This has reduced me to tears. No, darling, you are NOT a disgusting pig, and please tell me if any of those prick-teasing students call you one again so that I can give them six of the best.

I'm just so relieved you're finding some comfort, any comfort, from your hideous world of pain. But what does faintly trouble me is the thought of how slick and buttery all those Greek treats must be making your downstairs. This, combined with the oily discharge from your Xenical medication, must be churning up skidmarks of Exxon Valdez proportions.

Still, I guess this is but small beer next to your happiness, so keep on eating, darling, to your straining heart's content. (I only ask that you sit on the vinyl covered chairs next time you visit.)

Aunt Caligula xxxxx



Keep your moving missives coming, girls. It's just so wonderful to be able to help you in this way.

 

[caligula]

Don't worry, Piggy, I'll be getting to your own sad letter REAL soon.

xxxx

 

[Scrub]

Hey, you leave my Piggy alone

He's my Prince

 

[LilBit]

Humph. I don't see you stepping up to defend me, Pork Chop.

 

[Scrub]

Pffff....t....that's because we know LilBit can handle Cali without our help.

But hey, we're here for you if you need us.

 

[LilBit]

And Li'l Bit loves Piggy and Scrub!

Uh-oh.

I think I see a letter to/from Callie coming out of this...

 

[Scrub]

It wouldn't surprise me

 

[Joshua_me]

I spent many hours fingering my beads last night,

OK... This is like the best post ever......

 

[Joshua_me]

it's started to get on my tits that some of you are so fucking useless.

Oh, God ! Please stop it.... I'm going to *plotz*

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Dear Aunt Caligula,

through no fault of my own, I've severly bruised my 'conomy. It baffles the mind that such a thing can happen to such a chaste and prudent Virgin such as myself, and I fear I might be publicly lynched as a result.
How do I get out of this 'sticky situation' and still let others pick up the clinic tab?

Yours politically,
Concerned Executive.

 

[cm98059]

Bump -- Back to the top

I spent many hours fingering my beads last night,

My dearest Cali
You did put on your spectacles this time, didn't you. I remember a time recently when you mistook your anal beads for your rosary. I honestly don't think Father Roberts is ever going to be the same. And the reaction of the altar boys, fighting over them like that. It wasn't like you wouldn't have bought them each a set if they'd have asked. Do you think the church will ever let us return? I did kind of like the organist, he was kind of hot. And what he could make my organ do, it positively sang. It is such a bother having to find another church after as many years as we've been attending there. But, I guess it is for the best since the catholic church is only for straight people.

 

[caligula]

Dear Aunt Caligula, through no fault of my own, I've severly bruised my 'conomy. It baffles the mind that such a thing can happen to such a chaste and prudent Virgin such as myself, and I fear I might be publicly lynched as a result. How do I get out of this 'sticky situation' and still let others pick up the clinic tab?

Dear Harke

You've dyed your name a new chestnut hew, haven't you, darling? And it almost suits you.

I'm just so touched that you came to me with this sensitive personal issue, Harke, because 'touching' is what got you into this little mess in the first place, isn't it? And how endearing to see you referring to that very special part of yourself as your "economy". I adore all euphemisms.

(For other girls who may be bewildered, Harke's "economy" is so labelled because of its cramped scale. It falls far short of "First Class" due to its considerable lack of comfort, and could never be called "Business" because, well, it's never likely to attract any.)

But I digress. I'm devastated to learn that you've bruised it, dear, and also a bit mystified, to be honest. It surprises me there is even enough skin on the thing to register a bruise, let alone the necessary number of nerve endings to feel it. But clearly it is hurting you, and you're also concerned about presenting it to a doctor. I would be too.

Darling, I say reject expensive medical help entirely for this sort of thing, and head straight to the pharmacy. Make a bee-line for the acne treatments, and I think you'll find a delicious cream that will give your little pimple the lift it needs.

Send me snaps when its up and running again.

xxxxxx Auntie Caligula



I hope this helps our Harke. That little Dutch slut is always happy to lend you her bot-bot for the evening, but when it comes to matters peenie, she's quite the coquette. Well, I suppose we're guessing why now.


Oh, and CM98059? I see your lovely letter there. I shall compose a suitable reply once I've corrected the little mistake you so kindly pointed out regarding my rosary beads.

 

[cm98059]

BUMP

 

[caligula]

My dearest Cali
You did put on your spectacles this time, didn't you. I remember a time recently when you mistook your anal beads for your rosary. I honestly don't think Father Roberts is ever going to be the same. And the reaction of the altar boys, fighting over them like that. It wasn't like you wouldn't have bought them each a set if they'd have asked. Do you think the church will ever let us return? I did kind of like the organist, he was kind of hot. And what he could make my organ do, it positively sang. It is such a bother having to find another church after as many years as we've been attending there. But, I guess it is for the best since the catholic church is only for straight people.

Dear CM98059

What an APPALLING letter to receive from a woman of the cloth!

I had truly thought that when that [STRIKE]desiccated old bitch[/STRIKE] blessed saint to be, Mother Teresa, finally [STRIKE]fell off the fuck post[/STRIKE] went to her reward we'd seen the last of girls of your type.

[STRIKE]That old cunt, Rat-faced Benny[/STRIKE] His Holiness Pope Benedict had given me real hope that your menace was to be confined to diocese of 'reduced pleasantness' from now on, like Mexico for instance. How conned I feel.

Despite everything, I'm glad you've dared show your face, because Mother Superior has been asking some very awkward questions about the missing candles. A woman has needs, I'm the first to acknowledge that, but what kind of woman needs that many candles?

Obviously you can't return any of those you've "used". While I've no doubt they'd burn like a double dose of the clap, I'd be running myself ragged trying to keep Mother Superior upwind of the stink.

Finding some untainted replacements and NOT succumbing to foul temptation again is YOUR responsibility, CM98059. Ditto your waxy bung. The only known method for getting that stuff off your quoit is to pop the thing in the freezer, wait half an hour, and then rub the mess off with your fingers.

Say ten Hail Marys, four Our Fathers and then genuflect like a dirty old bastard.

xxxxxx Sister Callie

 

[cm98059]

Oh dear. It would appear that I left my internet connection unprotected, and our dear older sister Clymidia has spread more of her venom. You know how she gets when she goes off her meds. As you know dear, I have been a strict protestant for years and have always lived a chaste life. I promise that I will try harder to secure my internet connection in the future so that our dear older sister can't get online again.

I do have a problem that maybe you can help with. I have a dear friend, actually a mutual friend of yours and mine that has come to me with a problem. I have counseled him, but I would like to hear your advice for him as well. I can't use our friend's name because it would betray his confidence, and you know how shy he is. It seems that he has a very large problem. In his conversation with me, he told me a tale that would turn your Clarol #27 brown hair gray. It would seem that he met a special some one online. Well, you know I don't approve of online dating, personally I prefer finding a mate the old fashioned way, by trolling the bars, but that is beside the point. Evidently he has already met the girl, several times. He doesn't think she recognizes him because in all the times they have met since they were in high school together, he was wearing a leather hood and the dungeon was rather dimly lit. Anyway, he was wondering if he should tell her that they have met before and where or if he should just keep quiet about their connection. He has been asked to work on her re-election campaign, and he wants to accept the position, remembering fondly how large her tuck seemed in high school, he says that he would love the chance to work under her. But he is afraid that if he tells her about his, shall we say, sexual perversion that she may not want his type working on her campaign. I suggested that he not mention their extraciricular activities and take the job, God knows he needs to get out of the dungeon more often, I also suggested that he should probably leave his whips and handcuffs at home when he is working. At least for the first few weeks. What do you think?
--C

 

[caligula]

It would seem that he met a special some one online. He doesn't think she recognizes him because in all the times they have met since they were in high school together, he was wearing a leather hood and the dungeon was rather dimly lit. He has been asked to work on her re-election campaign, and he wants to accept the position, remembering fondly how large her tuck seemed in high school, he says that he would love the chance to work under her. What do you think?
--C

Dear cm98059

Oh my 'effin God, is that Clinton cow running for office again??

When is she gonna learn that this ain't fucking Iceland and there's just no way we're gonna vote a bull dyke in the chair!

Look, I've got nothing against a loud-mouthed girl with a fat arse (as Piggy will confirm) but I draw the line at voting for ANY girl who CANNOT suck a horn.

Hil's hamfisted technique is up there Chatolandia's efforts. And look what it cost the nation back in the 90s?

Give it up, woman. Put on a fucking pinny and start acting like a REAL chick by scrubbing out the bogs.

xxxxxxx Senator Callie.