Ask Agony Aunt Caligula - here for the crippled and needy

[fabulouslyghetto]

Dear Aunt Callie,

I'm in one helluva pickle. I have a friend on this site, who I'll call Hoe Hoe, or, rather, No No. Now H.H. has a lovely boyfriend she's been seeing for about three years now. Well, not boyfriend so much as pimp.

It turns out her walls have been knocked so loose that fucking her is about as pleasurable as sticking your dick in a microwave, just as spacious and as hot when her 'roids flare up.

Well one night me and her pimp got together for a game of Scrabble, one thing led to another, and before I knew it my ass was planted firmly on his face.

This was about four months ago and we've been trading semen at least twice a day ever since. We've timed it so as soon as No No heads out on the stroll, I'm there servicing this fine young specimen in ways Hoe Hoe couldn't dream of.

Lately I've been feeling awful, but the sex is just so good....for him.

Should I deny him the joy of slamming an anus that hasn't been ravaged by the elements? Should I tell my friend? Should I stop hanging out with both of them as they're gutter trash?

I'm so confused.

 

[caligula]

Dear Auntie Caligula

I've been having a very tough time keeping my legs together when in the company of a certain attractive young man I fancy in my morning sociology class. Everytime he smiles at me or says hello, I want nothing more than to jump his bones on the spot and ravage him sexually until the cops are called to pull me off.

I'm not used to these overwhelming feelings of infatuation that my hot charming classmate has inflicted on me. Usually it's the other way around- me having to beat these broke horny stooges off with a stick to keep them away from my good stuff.

Oh, Auntie Cali what should I do? I dunno whether I should charge my new Lothario my usual fee, give him a 10% discount or completely sell out and let him run a train in my poop chute for free like all the other good Christian girls with morals.

I'm afraid that if I fall for this guy too much I might lose sight of the inner whore we all know and love. I've devoted WAY too many of my years galavanting lasciviously about on the stroll to turn it all in for an empty monogamous existence filled with kids, bigheaded neighbors and Buy One, Get One Free Coupon days at Wal-Mart (and not the kind I'm used to either, thank you).

Please help, I have no one else to turn to. Besides Oprah, and she doesn't come back on for another 5 hours.

Signed sincerely with love,
Moe-Moe
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Darling Moe-Moe

This just warms the cockles, doesn't it? Without doubt you're one of the most ACCEPTING girls on Jub in your continued flag-waving for the sexual rights of the retarded. And no, dear, I know YOU'RE not a card short of a deck. But, by heaven, your tricks sure are. You continue to provide inspiration for undiscerning girls everywhere.

This is no surprise to any of us who have stood back and watched you with pride in recent months, of course. You've unerringly picked out the numb-nuts with each new crush. Among my favourites would surely be TalkintotheRain with that funny little dewlap he has hanging from his perineum, and TheMatterofSplatter with his trick labia.

So, of course I'm just thrilled you've found yourself a new mong. You've neglected to detail what his 'special flavour' is, but given your wilful blindness to such things this is only to be admired really.

Hint: if he's got grand mal epilepsy be sure to push him in a bath full of soapy water with your laundry. If he's got cerebral palsy then hold on tight! Riding one of them is like bouncing on a battery operated Dildo! (yes, I know, I've reported this many times before, but some girls are encountering it for the first time.)

Love large, darling! This is just wonderful news and I'm sure it'll last just as long as his callipers can hold up against rust.

xxxxxxx Aunt Callie

 

[caligula]

Dear Aunt Callie,

I'm in one helluva pickle. I have a friend on this site, who I'll call Hoe Hoe, or, rather, No No. Now H.H. has a lovely boyfriend she's been seeing for about three years now. Well, not boyfriend so much as pimp.

It turns out her walls have been knocked so loose that fucking her is about as pleasurable as sticking your dick in a microwave, just as spacious and as hot when her 'roids flare up.

Well one night me and her pimp got together for a game of Scrabble, one thing led to another, and before I knew it my ass was planted firmly on his face.

This was about four months ago and we've been trading semen at least twice a day ever since. We've timed it so as soon as No No heads out on the stroll, I'm there servicing this fine young specimen in ways Hoe Hoe couldn't dream of.

Lately I've been feeling awful, but the sex is just so good....for him.

Should I deny him the joy of slamming an anus that hasn't been ravaged by the elements? Should I tell my friend? Should I stop hanging out with both of them as they're gutter trash?

I'm so confused.

Dear Fabby

This made me laugh and laugh! She really is as a dumb as a box of hammers our [STRIKE]Moe-Moe[/STRIKE] Hoe-Hoe, isn't she?

Darling, not a jury in the world will convict you for being porked by her pimp, and this is why. It has long been my experience that taffy-tinted girls simply require a lot more of it than vanilla chicks. Doctors believe it has something to do with generously weighted nads. I think they're right. Fabby, it's genes that are driving you to this riotous exhibition of cuckholding, so what else can you do but assume the position?

In my own expeditions down taffy lane I've encountered some hardcore drillers that left me bruised, winded and reeling. I'm especially reminded of my memorable tryst with TalkintotheRain. Have you encountered her? She's also taffy-tinted but is rather better known for the dewlap on her perineum.

Rain lapped at my labii for well over 24 hours when we hooked up. I watched a 'Deep Space Nine' Marathon for half of it, and then I spent 12 hours trying to crawl to the phone. Splatter wouldn't let me! Her weighted nads are a curse. I ate three curried egg sandwiches to dissuade her but she just clamped her lips tighter when I let loose my wind.

She finally spat out my far end when her jaw gave out, leaving me weak and insensible and unable to sit on anything for the slick.

So, my advice, Fabby, is to enjoy every last escapade your taffy genes grant you. Continue greasing up for anything that can be measured with a ruler. You just can't help it and that's that.

(PS. "Hoe-Hoe's" hooked up wither her intellectually challenged trick anyway. Like she's got time for anything other than wiping drool and rinsing bedpans!)

xxxxxx with love, Aunt Callie

 

[Telstra]

Dear Cali,
how do porn stars clean their ass holes before they lick or rim.


i want to hear the realistic cleaning method. Not the make fun one using brushes ... etc.

 

[caligula]

Dear Cali,
how do porn stars clean their ass holes before they lick or rim.


i want to hear the realistic cleaning method. Not the make fun one using brushes ... etc.

Treasured Telly

The news that you're contemplating a comeback to the pornography biz fills me with glee! This is just as exciting as Moe-Moe's news of being drilled by a spaz. Darling, I've prayed for your return to the skin game for I don't know how long. Well, the gain is all ours.

One thing I should guide you on, however, is in where you may find the biz a little altered since last you trod the boards. For one thing, the sheer variety of porno sub-genres on offer now is quite bewildering. There's literally something for everyone, so you'll be looking to specialise.

Unfortunately, I fear you'll find that one genre's door will be firmly locked to you. The word 'twink' wasn't much in evidence when you were a blushing ingenue, was it? Well, I can't be kind about this, Telly. Truth is you simply MUST avoid twink auditions for the following reasons:

1. Obviously, you're fucking old. You were first getting pounded when Talkies came in. Plus, rugs are a bad look - both the poly-weave on your chrome dome and the onkaparinga on your knees.

2. Your slack back door. Another bad look for the twinky stars, dear, and your co-stars won't touch it. The sides that is.

3. Your morbid obesity. You know that cute saying "once you've had fat, you'll never go back"? It's fucking fibs. Unless you're knocked up. But I think we know the 'Poppin Mommas' genre is a little beyond you, too, don't we?

Anyway, as to your actual question re: what do today's porno A-listers do to keep their quoits kissing fresh, you'll be pleased to know that you set the trend there decades ago when you first debuted. Yes, Telly, it's true! Just like you still do, today's girls cock their rings in the spa jets down at their local tubs, then eject the whole stinking mess of it as they trot off down the stairs!

Sound familiar?

Let us know as soon as you've filmed your first scenes!

xxxxx C

 

[Telstra]

^ no no no Cali,
i want to see video clips of the actual cleaning of the asses.
I want proof of video clips of ass cleaning.

 

[caligula]

Now you're confusing me, Telly.

Are you staging a comeback or not??

And can I just add that it's VERY obvious to me you've been sniffing paint again. I've never taken issue with it, but it might be best a give your mug a rinse before you start sucking off the producers...

 

[Telstra]

umm ok no more questions.
still didn't get a how to clean an ass instructions.

 

[LilBit]

Bump!

This thread really SHOULD be at the head of Hot Topics.

I wholeheartedly agree.

And I have a question that's pretty relevant, given the topics of discussion in HT as of late.

Is it racist to prefer men with bleached poo-holes?

 

[rareboy]

Last I heard, the fleet was in and she was servicing 1200 horny sailors.

 

[alley]

Last I heard, the fleet was in and she was servicing 1200 horny sailors.

Yeah...

But that leaves the rest of her afternoon free...

 

[caligula]

Is it racist to prefer men with bleached poo-holes?

Darling Lilbit,

You've summoned me from the grave! Well, as good as.

Unlike so many JUB girls here I'm somewhat in demand for my services beyond the computer. I got smart and realised there were bucks to made from [STRIKE]confronting pathetic morons with their faults[/STRIKE] gently administering therapy. So now I've whacked up my shrink's shingle and I'm charging the sad cunts through the nose. It's called WORKING FOR A LIVING. I wish a few more JUB girls would try it! But I've always got time for your colourful personal crises, dear, as well you know - and those of all the other JUB girls, too.

Now, darling, you asked me if preferring a lily-white bleach-bung was racist?

Yes, it is.

But here's the good news: racists are all too often under-appreciated. Some of them have quite noteworthy qualities. Indeed, at least six of my most energetic lays have come from North Carolina, and they were, without exception, quite spotless downstairs. Sure, "beating the black out of you" was their endearing term for lovemaking, and all too often I'd wind up hog-tied to a bough. But the way they wore their bedsheets was nothing short of creative, and I always complimented them on this while they went "yee-haw!" heating up the branding iron.

But it is distressing for me to learn you've become discerning in recent months. Have you gone mad? You never showed bung colour preference before - what has brought about this change? You were near-on famous for unerringly sniffing out the faecal hewed! Let's face it, darling, your list of your undiscerning choices would fill a fairy's phone book. So who on earth will those sightless beggars, "special bus" passengers and thalidomide victims come to now? Well, there's always Moe-Moe, I suppose...

I hope this helps you, my love. Lick out the lily-white love-tunnels by all means, but be sure to burn a cross in your front yard so you can see what the hell it is you're doing.

xxxx Aunt Cali


PS. Catch me up on the news of recent months!

Did Ravenstar keep the kilos off?

Did Chatty regain use of her hands?

Did Cum_Slave ever forgive us all?

Did Madonna stop photographing her pork?

Did Mikami ever get over me?

Did Piggy find the source of her stink?

Is OzGuy's cocksucker's knee improving?

Why has Marley got yet another name?

 

[fabulouslyghetto]

Hey honey. Marley here.

Is it weird that, as a young black man, I fantasize of a life as a middle-aged white woman? I dream of basketball players and Hollywood heavyweights attacking me as I walk to my car, throwing me to the asphalt and having their every which way with me, beating me, and leaving me for dead. Then calling to taunt me months later, in hopes of scaring me from pursuing legal action.

That's normal, right?

 

[LilBit]

But it is distressing for me to learn you've become discerning in recent months. Have you gone mad? You never showed bung colour preference before - what has brought about this change? You were near-on famous for unerringly sniffing out the faecal hewed! Let's face it, darling, your list of your undiscerning choices would fill a fairy's phone book. So who on earth will those sightless beggars, "special bus" passengers and thalidomide victims come to now? Well, there's always Moe-Moe, I suppose...

It's even worse than you suspect. I've recently found myself somewhat turned off by the thought of blowng a guy with visible sores on his wang, and I'm almost reluctant to put my tongue to a less-then-pristine sphincter. What's wrong with me, Callie? Am I going to have to find a new line of work?

PS. Catch me up on the news of recent months!

Did Ravenstar keep the kilos off?

Did Chatty regain use of her hands?

Did Cum_Slave ever forgive us all?

Did Madonna stop photographing her pork?

Did Mikami ever get over me?

Did Piggy find the source of her stink?

Is OzGuy's cocksucker's knee improving?

Why has Marley got yet another name?

In no particular order:

Yes, now she prefers to do abstract paintings.

He had to have it amputated, but that's opened him to a whole new kind of client.

He needs to forgive himself first. And how could anyone forgive himself for spurning such a choice bride as yourself?

Of course he has; he lost it when he caught his arm in a woodchipper. That's not so easy to regrow...

I blame all the red Kool-Aid she drank as a child.

He barely remembers who you are, dear. But that's what happens when you drink paint thinner.

No, she's still doing everything with her tongue. Vile, yet intriguing to watch.

I believe it was a festering sore on one of her nipples.

Hope this helps!

 

[caligula]

Dear Aunt Cali

As a sow-titted tinted lass I have found the shrimp-dicked honky world's reaction to Chris Brown and Rhianna's vigorous brand of love making quite distressing.

So many finger-pointing whiteys have been quick to judge Chris's caresses and all-too needed disciplinary measures as "inappropriate" and worse. This includes the judicial system, of course, and yes, the media.

Where I come from (the poo-choked gutter) such expressions of affection are widely celebrated and enjoyed. Indeed, in my own chocolate-dipped lovemaking the evening just ain't done until I'm seeing quadruple, my last tooth is loosened, and a hairy thug beau has lost his left shoe up my clacker.

My many, many JUB fucks will confirm this: ravenstar, alley, ashypheonix, rareboy, piggy, chatty-shatty, seeta, harke-who-used-to-be-a-heretic and, of course, that sad bitch Lilbit. All of them whup me good and I like it. No, we like it.

(The one JUB exception is Moe-Moe. I won't let her lay a hand on me. Well, you wouldn't either if you knew how she soaks off her nail polish.)

Tell me, Aunt Cali, you're a shrimp-dicked honky - do you share this distressing world view?

Signed Karen Walker


Darling Karen

It will warm your cockles to know that I most certainly do not. And, what's more, I think you'll find that 99.9% of our fellow JUB girls don't share it either, should you stop shining their shoes for a moment and pluck up courage to ask them.

And here's why: we're all shrieking for tinted cock and we don't give a tinker's if there's a fist attached. Just like Rhianna!

But putting that revelation aside I think this needs to be said: she had it coming. Pose that as a follow-up statement in your JUB survey and you'll also find 99.9% of JUB girls echo it. She's a whiny little minge with tickets on herself and a couple of backhanders with a coerced tittyfuck is just another Thursday morning for most girls here.

(With the exception of Moe-Moe, of course, whose trick ankles have now forced her to make her way to Social Security in a shopping cart).

Take heart, darling - and take your licks too. Rhianna should tear a leaf or two from your book.

Love, Cali xxxxx

 

[LilBit]

Dear Auntie Callie,

I like tits. I mean, I REALLY like tits. But no matter how much I beg, I just cant get anyone to show me their fun-bags. What should I do?

All my lust,
Li'l Bitch

 

[caligula]

Dear Auntie Callie,

I like tits. I mean, I REALLY like tits. But no matter how much I beg, I just cant get anyone to show me their fun-bags. What should I do?

All my lust,
Li'l Bitch

Beloved Mong

While Marley-Ghetto-Karen and Moe-Moe befuddle themselves trying to decide if I crossed the point of no return in my offensiveness (I concede that the shoe-shine aside pushed the envelope off the table) it [STRIKE]galls[/STRIKE] thrills me that I'm still your first port of call in times of crisis.

Your pleas for JUB girls to show you their norgens has indeed been noted by your correspondent, dear, and repeatedly. Of the two of us, I can be relied upon for discretion, mercifully, and I have so far refrained from posting responses to your provocations, even though it's nearly fucking killed me.

As with so many of your dysfunctions, your bald baying for bristols smacks of a deeper concern: your need to be exposed to generally.

Our on-line friends may comfort themselves in their slumbers with the false belief that titties alone suffice for our Lil. You and I know better. Titties are but the tip of the iceberg with you. Pity the girl in a flirty mood her flashes her cans at you, madam. In the wink of an eye you've travelled south of the Mason-Dixey and your titty plea becomes outright shrieking for bung.

I've long thought your problem incurable and can only reiterate my original advice: stay away from 'clean' girls - like the artist formally known as Swiffer Wetjet, for instance.

Keep your repellent harping aimed solely on the clapped out truck-stop whores who make up the larger proportion of your pals. In this way I have faith you'll stay out of strife.

(Send me another twenty and I'll even show you my own pigs' bladders. Last week I pierced the left one with a railway spike!)

I hope this helps,

love, your Aunt xxxx

 

[LilBit]

Dear Auntie Callie,

I have a dear, dear friend (we'll call her Smelstra, or Smelly for short) who has a terrible drinking problem.

Not alcohol--she wouldn't touch the stuff to save her life. But she'll drink anything else on earth as long as it'll fuck her up--bong water, poppers, used douche water, you name it.

I care deeply about Smelly, and I want to help her, but I worry that she's beyond my capacity to help. What should I do?

Your devoted lezzie lover,
Lucille Fay LeSueur

P.S.--Thanks for the brownies you sent me for the holidays! I served them to my family, and let me tell you, Granny has a wild streak that we never would have imagined! Would you mind sending her a letter? She says it's pretty lonely in the women's prison.

 

[ozguy]

I Miss Aunty Cali

Moi aussi. "She's" great fun and also a gardening enthusiast like moi. I've got such a pretty summer display to show her this year, too.