Asking a guy out at his workplace?

[EI-221]

Since this is my first post I'll just start this out like most others do by saying even though it's my first time posting, I've been a lurker for quite some time. I never really thought I would be posting on here, but I could really use some advice from some of the members on here. This has two parts so please bear with me while I make my best attempt to describe the situation.

I started a new job working at my local mall about 5 months ago. Since I've started working there I obviously spend a lot more time there than before going to other stores and just shopping around. A couple weeks ago I ran into a guy I find extremely attractive working at another store in the mall. I have gone back several times in the past couple weeks since I ended up getting gift cards from the store and have run into him every time.

I normally would just ignore myself finding a guy attractive in this situation, but I get the feeling he may have been flirting with me as well and wouldn't want to pass up the opportunity to find out more about him if he were interested as well. I generally have a hard time meeting guys and would end up regretting not even talking to him if there's even a chance of a date. The first problem of mine is figuring out if he was indeed flirting with me or just being nice since the store is retail. The reasons I feel like he might be flirting are the following:

• He seems to smile just a tiny bit more after he's noticed I've walked into the store (it's small so unless he's in the stockroom everyone can be seen at all times).
• He raises his eyebrows frequently when talking to me.
• The past two times I've ran into him he has complimented the outfit I was wearing.
• A couple of girls who work there easily recognized me even though they had only ever seen me once about a week prior to seeing them again. The first walked right up to me in the store and said something along the lines of, "Oh hey! You're back!" while the second (this being a couple days later) made the effort to smile and wave at me across the hallway while I was simply walking past the store; I didn't even go in that day. Working in retail myself, I know that to remember a customer after only meeting them once before there must be something memorable about them. I just found it odd that both of them not only remembered me, but went out of their way to be that friendly. Obviously they guy in question remembered me as well.
• I think he was trying to start a conversation with me the last time I went in but it stopped abruptly due to my nervous word vomit awkwardness.

My problem is that I'm the type of person who can't tell if anyone flirting with me unless they flat out tell me. Most of the time my friends will have to tell me because I'm so oblivious. I still have a few questions bothering me though. The first is whether it was simply him being nice or not. People working in retail are trained to be kind and helpful, and maybe I'm just reading more into his actions than I should. The second is that I'm unsure he's even gay. After watching his actions and listening to the way he speaks (I know that makes me sound like a creeper), I get the feeling that he is, but I have no way to prove it. Age shouldn't be a problem since I'm about a month away from 21 and he seems to be in his low 20s.

So my questions are these: Could the things I previously listed be taken as flirting at all or am I definitely misreading his actions? If there is a possibility that he's interested as well is there any way to ask him out to get coffee or something else low pressure at his workplace without making it seem inappropriate or like I'm just a creepy stalker? Another worry with asking him is offending him if he's actually straight, which could lead to some awkward moments should I go shopping there afterwards. In the perfect world I would run into him somewhere else and ask him, but I've never seen him anywhere else besides his workplace. Does anyone have any decent advice? What would you do if you were in the same situation? Also, thanks so much for taking the time to read this booklike post.

-E

 

[Rolyo85]

Ooooook, here are my 200 cents.

First of all, some background check:

1. Are you out? If yes, since when?
2. Have you had a bf?

In the mean time, I'd say you're reading into things where there is most likely nothing to read. This type of attaching significance to small details is a symptom of hope, not reality. I'm not saying the guy isn't interested (especially if he tried chatting you up, he very well might be), just pointing out that none of the things you listed indicate anything other than your wishes.

Ask him out for coffee. That will be a clear signal, and so will be his answer. Don't overanalyze it. It's surprising how much smoother things are for you when you have the guts to be forward about what you want. A LOT of straight guys take gay flirting as a compliment too, so even if you're way off mark and he's straight, it doesn't have to be awkward.

That's the thing about confidence (and if you don't have it, I suggest you take a crash course in faking it). It's attractive and puts people at ease. And vice versa - its lack is off-putting and makes them nervous. So be confident in yourself, and try your luck. Even if you don't score, things won't be awkward unless you are awkward

 

[Ganoderma]

hi EI-221,

First of all, welcome to JUB and feel free to ask any question over here you would like to ask.

I have read and re-read your posting (no problem at all it's a lengthy one) and I was also unclear about your own position. So are you out, and is anyone over there (well, most people at your workplace) aware that you are gay?

I tend to think that the situation will be less complex when you are open at your workplace. I mean, then its also clear for this other guy that he is smiling / talking / friendly towards you (who is a gay).

I agree with Rolyo85 that things are much easier when you are open & out. Does not mean you must walk around with a cap with 'I am gay'. Why not tell it to those girls. Likely, they will spread the news. Maybe they are already aware that you might not play the right card? Maybe their gayradar has already identified you? Who knows? You don't have a girlfriend, and girls will wonder why this is the case.

I underline Rolyo85 that I also cannot interprete the behaviour of this guy. And you are totally right, alot of guys (likely also yourself) are friendly & polite etc. towards customers. And that's partly professional, but partly also some sort of natural behaviour. And companies often hire that kind of guys (so you and this other guy) to work in retail.

So I don't know what's going on in the mind of this guy. I would like to advise you that you are open (to him, but why not to the others at your workplace), and that you take your time. Be friendly to him, maybe you meet him after his work is finished. Don't push things, and be aware that you are able to grab opportunities.

Be ofcourse aware that I don't want to persuade you to come out, as that's your own decision. However, I fully agree with others that things are much easier when you are open.

Best wishes, and feel free to react.

Take care

 

[Seasoned]

Asking him if he would like to grab a coffee sometime is a reasonable way to move this along or stop it dead in its tracks without causing you any more over thinking/over analyzing. The two of you might be able to take a break together or have lunch since you're at the same mall.

If you're closeted you are more prone to these mental exercises trying to figure out who's gay. I'll tell you what I used to do. Rather than cruising a hot guy I noticed what other guys were cruising him. Pay attention to who he's seemingly interested in and you'll have a bit of a clue.

Welcome to the JUB forums.

 

[EI-221]

Ooooook, here are my 200 cents.

First of all, some background check:

1. Are you out? If yes, since when?
2. Have you had a bf?

In the mean time, I'd say you're reading into things where there is most likely nothing to read. This type of attaching significance to small details is a symptom of hope, not reality. I'm not saying the guy isn't interested (especially if he tried chatting you up, he very well might be), just pointing out that none of the things you listed indicate anything other than your wishes.

1. Yes, I am definitely out, and have been for about one and 3/4 years to everyone where I live. I still have some family members back home that I'm not out to yet, but everyone I see on a day to day basis knows. Like Ganoderma said, I don't really scream "I'M GAY" from the rooftops, but I don't hide it either.

2. I guess you could say I have, although nothing too long term. The longest I dated a guy was for 3 and a half months and we considered each other boyfriends.

Also to clarify, we work in the same mall but NOT the same store. I know that might be a bit confusing so I wanted to clear that up.

I completely agree and understand Rolyo. That's what is confusing me most. His actions can very well mean interest or none at all. If it weren't for him working I would have tried to talk to him more quite a while ago, but it is difficult to try and start a conversation when that person is also supposed to be doing their job.

Seasoned, it's not just guys I over analyze. It's everything under the sun, and it's something I wish I control a bit more. It took me about an hour the other night to decide between 2 colors of the same sweater I was going to get one of for my mother for Christmas.

And thanks so much for the warm welcomes! Hopefully I can stick around some and help other people out as well!

 

[Rolyo85]

What I do in those cases is, I follow my instinct. If the two option are equally viable, then none of them is more important and either one is fine. It has always been easy for me to just make decisions on the spot and go with them, but I'm sure it's not that hard to learn.

Meanwhile, the trick is as follows - go buy something when he is at the register, and (this is important!) when there is nobody on the line behind you. Doesn't matter if other workers are around, but you shouldn't have other customers making you feel pressured to hurry. Then just ask him if he has a break soon (depending on the time of day) and if so/not, whether he wants to get coffee. Make sure you don't seem nervous, AND make sure the situation allows him to not feel nervous.

 

[seven2go]

DEFINITELY do the coffee thing.......

 

[USEDCAR]

He sounds like hes probably just a friendly straight guy, Reminds me of a cute nurse at work that i wait on when he comes to the cafeteria. He has a big smile on his face says hi to me and makes small talk and we make eye contact and we smile at each other. I asked another nurse whom is gay on his floor about him and hes straight with a girlfriend just being friendly. if he was gay i would totally go for it


Before asking him out for Coffee just find out if hes has a girlfriend or not when you go in and you see one of the girls or both of them alone ask them if he has a girlfriend. It would suck if you talk to him and he has a girlfriend and five kids

 

[Ganoderma]

hi EI-221,

Thanks for your nice and extensive reply.

So I assume that this guy will be aware that you are gay (and likely the 2 girls working over there as well). Maybe both girls have some clues that you like that guy (as they might have noticed you and the guy were exchanging sweet smiles with each other)??

You also told us: "The past two times I've ran into him he has complimented the outfit I was wearing."

I have thought over this, but how often do straight guys this kind of things? Making compliments about the outfit is a low-key way to have and maintain a conversation with a nice guy!

Does he know that you are also working in the same mall? If not, try to make clear to him that this is the case. If yes, this means you have alot of ways to start with a low-key conversation on alot of work-related topics. 'So what you gonna do during christmas'? 'So how was christmas'? 'Where did you spend christmas'? 'Happy new year'. 'Do you like your job over here'?

You told us as well: "Another worry with asking him is offending him if he's actually straight, which could lead to some awkward moments should I go shopping there afterwards."

I would not worry about him being offended when it turnes out he is straight and you are gay. I am quite sure that homophobes / bigots don't compliment you twice (!!) with your outfit. Again, talking about clothes / outfit is also a very low-key way to hold a nice talk with this guy.

Finally, straight guys face an identical 'problem' when meeting a sweet girl under the same conditions, and must also cope with a situation when it turns out that the sweet girl 'in the other shop' has already a boyfriend (so is 'committed').

Take care and have a nice time.

 

[EI-221]

Hey everyone, I just wanted to give an update on this situation! Because of Christmas I've been too busy to get on and let everyone know what happened, but have a little bit of time now.

As luck would have it about an hour after the last post I made (2 nights ago) one of my good female friends called and asked me to go shopping with her to help her pick out an outfit for a Christmas party. Of course we went to the mall to find one. I had told her about this guy before, and with her outgoing personality decided that we needed to go see if he was working because she was curious what he was like (as well as her looking for her outfit there).

We went in and he was working (the story would end here if he wasn't, right?). I decided that while she was looking for her stuff I would pretend like I needed his help so that I could start chatting with him a bit just to see what his reaction would be. Unknowingly to me, while I'm talking with him my friend has actually gone to find one of his coworkers to ask if he is gay and/or single. I didn't know yet, but she found out that he was definitely gay and most likely single. She finished her purchase and came over to where the two of us were talking. She just looked at the both of us and said in a joking manner (although completely serious), "So did you two exchange numbers yet or what?" I could have killed her at the time, but was glad she did because the guy just smiled at me, went and wrote down his name/number/facebook page, and gave it to me.

I feel so relieved that I'm not completely insane. My friend actually told me that she caught him checking me out a couple times while my back was turned, so that was kind of nice. I added him on facebook already and plan to text him tomorrow to see if he wants to go get coffee in the next few days. I figured the day after Christmas would be good since some of the craziness has died down and asking how his Christmas was would be a good conversation starter.

So thanks for the advice everyone, it really means a lot to me. Hopefully everything goes well, but whatever happens I'll post on here just to let you all know how it goes.

 

[altlover85]

EI-221, good luck and I'm glad to hear he's into you and vice-versa.

 

[Rolyo85]

That's awesome I'm a little jealous actually - I kinda wish I had a situation like that at some point. Good luck and keep us posted!

Btw, I would KILL for a friend like yours. As it is, I am always in that role, but I have nobody to do it for ME when I need it, haha!

 

[ben9651]

Awww , I was smiling the whole time reading the last update. I`m jealous too.
I miss the days where i used to work at a random store and meet all kinda hot guys and check them out .
Ehhh , stupid med school !

 

[Stoopid]

D'awwwwwww, I'm so happy for you! Let us know how your coffee date goes!

 

[Robbert]

Ahhhh those stories are so touching

And im so jealous LOL only guys im seeing are school boys which I hate with all my heart.

Im happy for you ^^
I wish you joy and happiness and may he be your BF ^^

Greets, Robbert

 

[that-one-guy]

I have a huge smile on my face

 

[orton86]

It's about time a story like this on JUB ends great!

 

[EI-221]

Well as great as it is to see everyone's positive reactions, I probably have some bad news.

So as said in my last post I texted him yesterday and asked how his Christmas was. He replied about 2 hours later with, "It was pretty good. You?" I was at work at the time but replied later when I had a short break with some small talk about how I was working a split shift (like a double with a few hour break in between) and how crazy busy the mall was. I never got a response back from that so I tried texting him again earlier today and pretty much said that I find it difficult to have full texting conversations and asked if he wanted to get coffee sometime so that we have a decent conversation. I still haven't heard anything back so I'm under the impression that he's not really interested for one reason or another. I figure I'll try leaving him a facebook message tomorrow in case there is something wrong with his phone, but if I don't hear back then that will be my last try to contact him.

The whole situation just seems odd to me. Why give a guy your phone number and friend him on facebook if you have no intention of saying anything to him? The only two reasons I can think of are his phone isn't working right or he's just being a jerk. I really don't mean to sound so negative, but this wouldn't be the first time this has happened to me. It bothers me that he could just be completely ignoring me since I'd much rather someone be upfront and honest and just tell me that they aren't interested.

Sorry for turning this into a mini tangent/rant. I guess I just needed to vent a bit considering how frustrated I'm becoming trying to find a guy to go on even a single date with me. I tried online dating (not hookup sites) as well as joining the GLBT group at my university but haven't had any luck whatsoever. I know I'm probably not going to find the love of my life any time soon, but it would still be nice to go out to dinner every once in a while.

I guess the best thing I can do is just keep my head up and know that when the time is right the right guy will show up. I suppose I'll try one more time with this guy tomorrow and will let you all know if he replies or not!

 

[ben9651]

That sucks .
I kinda doubt the whole phone not working thing.But still you never know ,maybe he`s busy with his family or sth.

 

[Robbert]

Just wait till after Christmas since it's all pretty chaotic