Asking a guy to slow down

[turnandburn]

So I met a guy recently who lives about an hour away. We talked for a bit (skype) and i went up and met him. We just did a face to face meet, nothing too formal. that was two weeks ago this weekend is our first official date but I think things are moving waaaaaay too fast. We talk almost every day on skype and message each other all day, so we know a lot about each other, but the other day he dropped the L bomb. We've only been talking for three weeks! And I only recently came out earlier this month so this is like my first real date. How can I tell him that we should slow it down a bit without sounding like a dick?

Also my second concern is that his friends are (and this might sound a bit shallow) just too overly gay for me. I'm just not into the whole drag scene and shopping and coffee and fashion etc. I like to play video games, watch football, go to soccer games and get drunk. like the complete opposite of his friends. do i need to just admit defeat?

 

[Ronove]

I am very much finding myself in your situation sometimes, yet I still struggle with it and have not found an absolute workable solution. Yet I will give you my opinion: I would admit defeat.

A person is a person and you just met this guy. I could understand trying to change or speed up the pace of your life for someone you absolutely have everything in common with but it sounds like this is just a new fling. While it could potentially become something, right now it isnt. L bombs too soon are a huge problem for me, its not his fault hes just different than you and if you are not ready, dont make yourself uncomfortable. Whenever I do it gets overwhelmingly undignified and I end up resenting the person for trying to appease them when I end up eventually in a totally different boat than they are in. I cannot deal with effeminate behavior well so I know when it appears in full force it is a problem (for lack of a less seriously connotative word).

If you really like him then its best to assert your true position without trying to out-think him and "say it without sounding like a dick". Asking him to ease up isnt your problem its his. If he cant deal then thats sad but you did it the best way, no bullshit, no nonsense. For people like us I think its helpful to man up -if you will - and rock the status quo so that your personality is not subjugated by trying to be delicate to another person's feelings. Again, it may sound callous (coming from me) but it is the truth and it will set you free.

 

[discovery2010]

Regarding slowing down, just be honest. There are two parts to any relationship, and everyone's feelings matter, so just be honest.

Also my second concern is that his friends are (and this might sound a bit shallow) just too overly gay for me. I'm just not into the whole drag scene and shopping and coffee and fashion etc. I like to play video games, watch football, go to soccer games and get drunk. like the complete opposite of his friends. do i need to just admit defeat?

But regarding what you said above, I'm going to assume you are young and haven't had much exposure to gay/queer culture/people. That's fine. But I would just say have an open mind in general. Playing video games, watching football, and getting drunk are not exclusive to any group of people. The world is large with many different types of people. I've found it's best to embrace that.

 

[jaysizzles]

I don't think you'd sound like a dick by letting him know how you do feel, because it is way too soon to be throwing out the "L" word this early in your relationship. I doubt he really is in love with you yet anyway...more like in love with the idea of being in love (not to say that you're not an incredible guy that couldn't have a guy fall in love with you at 1st sight, because you just may be that awesome ) Or, perhaps he's the type of guy that throws that word out often and casually...like maybe he loves you like he loves chocolate or Jake Gyllenhaal. Anyway...if he brings it up again, let him know that you think it's too soon to be talking love (one on one tho...not in public!), that you want to get to know him better...that you don't throw the word out casually, etc. (if that's the way you feel.) It's ok to set some terms on what you expect and what you are looking for. He'll know where you are coming from and can then adjust accordingly. All relationships require open communication and the sooner you both start talking about it, the easier it will be, and there'll be no second guessing or crossed/mixed signals.

As for his friends...even tho they are important to him and likely would become a part of your social life with him, you are only dating him...not them. Figure out if you like him and want to be with him before you worry about them. You kind of have to go out with him and them every once in awhile...so suck it up and put on your happy face when you're out with them...and vice versa for your boyfriend being involved in your interests. You can also let him know that he can go out with his friends while you have yours over for beer and games. Separate interests are healthy in relationships...gives you something to talk about when you see each other. Trust is critical tho...which it should be in any healthy relationship.

 

[Seasoned]

I think it's wise to politely quash the too soon use of the word love. I remember the first time I said I love you to my husband his response was, "don't be an asshole." I'd suggest something a bit more diplomatic.

I agree with the others who advised you not to be too caught up with who his friends are. I also agree with the suggestion to keep an open mind. I also notice that you identify as curious which would be an indication that you'd prefer to take things slow.

Good luck to you.

 

[turnandburn]

We are going out tonight so I'll have the opportunity to talk to him after a few beers. hopefully that will soften the blow. Not drunk just easier to talk to. I'm just afraid that the way things are going right now I'm going to call it off because it feels like too much.

 

[Praxus]

I'd slow down as well, but it's also a huge concern if you can't stand his friends, and want to continue a relationship with this guy.

I know it's a big problem for me since I really can't stand, I'd even use the word Hate, one of my BF's friends. To the point where I don't want to be in the same room with this person. It does have an effect on the relationship. So if you really can't stand his friends (I'd not be comfortable around drag types or anyone Super gay either. I'm more of a hang out, play video games, camo wearing, torn jeans type guy) I'd consider moving on since it's very early in the relationship.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi turnandburn,

Good to hear you have opened yourself and that you have met a nice guy. I agree with others that you should just tell him that you want to take the things slow. So be honest to him that you like him very much, but that you prefer dating for a while to see how things are developing. People are different, and that's also the case for the development of feelings of Love for each other.

So you tell us that you "like to play video games, watch football, go to soccer games and get drunk", and I was wondering about the preferences of your friend? Does he also like the same sort of things (so opposite his friends)? And what's the problem with drinking coffee together with your friend? IMO, drinking coffee together with your friend whilst talking about a variety of subjects, can be considered as dating. What kind of clothes do you like to wear, and what is the favorite type of clothes your friend likes to wear? Is your friend also much interested in fashion?

Bottomline, take your time, and try to develop a good and a nice friendship with him, and don't bother too much about his 'overly gay friends'. Be aware that all is new for you, and that you don't need to pretend anymore that you are straight & single & looking around for a nice girl. You are a gay guy, and you have found a nice gay friend, and that's what is counting. People are different in many, many aspects, and that's also the case for gay guys. Some like fashion and the drag scene, others like to play video games and like to watch football.

Take care & good luck and please keep us informed.

 

[Rolyo85]

Several things:

1. It's too early for you to date at all. You just came out yesterday and aren't yet comfortable with being gay. You cling to heteronormative stereotypes and have issues with internalized homophobia (more on that in a minute). I am not judging you at all, we've all been there and it's a natural part of the coming out process. Yes, process. Being out doesn't just happen when you come out. It takes time - often months or even years - to find out who the new you is and what he likes. Your tastes will change - maybe a bit, maybe dramatically, but they will. In everything - from guys to hobbies. I am not saying don't go for it and be a monk for a year, but do expect a lot of things to be different for you in a short while.

2. The L-word is a huge red flag this early on, but you haven't said anything about his circumstances. Is he also recently out? Or has he been in many relationships? How old is he? Etc. Either way, if things are going too fast for you, the smart response isn't chickening out, it's saying "I would like to take things slower. I like you and want to see where this goes, but I need to feel comfortable". Because it definitely sounds like you're chickening out. You've been chatting with this guy daily for weeks, which means you clearly like him. Running away from him because he's too intense is silly. Try to work with it first.

3. Heteronormative stereotypes are something you will have to throw out the window now that you're out. I am not saying stick a feather up your ass and start wearing make up, but you need to forget that "masculine" = "good" and "feminine" = "bad". That somehow playing video games is not compatible with liking musical theater. Because all of that is bullshit. You are not defined by any one thing that you like or don't like, and his friends may open your eyes about things you didn't know you could enjoy. Or maybe you can hook them up on some of your hobbies.

4. Internalized homophobia is the reason so many guys cling to the heteronormative stereotypes. The subconscious knowledge that "gay" = "less" than straight. That somehow being more feminine or having "gay" interests is wrong and turns you into less of a man, whatever that means. It's ok, everyone has that to some degree, because that's how society brainwashes us. But you have to fight it and get rid of it. Some times it's easy. For me it was as simple as a mental switch when I came out, but I am a foreigner and don't have all that religious bullshit to fight against. For a lot of people it's much harder, and many actually NEVER overcome their self-hatred, partly because they never truly admit it exists within them.

And yes, it IS shallow to not like his friends because they are somehow "gayer" than you. It is shallow, and it is wrong, and quite honestly, you like dick, so you're not the least bit less gay than they are So get over yourself