Asking Out The Bartender?

[eliduc]

Some time ago I had asked advice about a long winded 5 year love/borderline obsession I had with a certain "Ben." I have since gotten over him, dated two guys for about a month in half (with several one shot dates in between) and am generally happy where I am in my life (going to school for another degree, working, etc.), even if lonely in the partnership department.

Anyway, so there's this bartender I really like at this bar I've been going to frequently in the past month or so and I'm contemplating asking him out tomorrow/later tonight. Now I'm not delusional enough to think that because he's really nice to me or remembers my drink after 2-3 visits means he likes me (it's their job to make nice after all), but I just have this gut impulse to go for it (gut as in I feel I have to do it and take more crazy risks in my life, not as in I necessarily feel he'll reciprocate).

Issues:
1. Whether he says yes or no, I'd probably have to stop going to this bar for a long time if not for good (if a "no" for obvious reasons, and "yes" because I wouldn't show up to a bf/potential bf's workplace while dating them). It would suck because I really like this bar and because it's also frequented by a certain celebrity I met twice there.

2. He's older (looks early to mid 30s), I'm in my mid 20s; he's white, I'm hispanic (not that this should matter, but in other dating contexts I've encountered this issue); he's a bartender, and I've been a homebodyish catholic school boy all of my life and barely started going to bars in the past couple of months. I feel there are too many differences even if just at the onset, but of course when you experience a strong attraction to someone out of the blue, they almost become blindspots and you just hope against hope on the adage/cliche that "one never knows."

3. I generally (with this exception) believe in the rule of not asking out bartenders because it's their workplace and because I don't want to put him on the spot. Also, they encounter hot people every night who probably do the same.

If he says no, I'm prepared to accept it as gracefully as possible and have even made the effort to keep looking for other guys to date, but one thing that I've learned since I started dating last year was that dating someone who just feels like a "maybe" than someone who feels like an "it" won't get you anywhere if you don't take risks in life.


Any thoughts/issues/opinions about asking out or actually dating a bartender?

 

[kineticpsi]

If you feel like you should go for it then trust yourself. How about writing your number on a napkin or handing over your business card while you are giving them a tip? Just be casual and ask him to call you outside of work sometime. You don't have to go into details but you should suggest you are interested in him as more than a friend.

If you don't lay it on too heavy then I see no reason to stay away from the bar unless he says yes and you start a relationship. If he turns you down then you are just a customer that thinks he is cute. It may boost his ego every time he sees you. Just don't drink too much before you ask him or he might think that you are only interested in him because you are drunk.

Good luck!

 

[genthree]

Just tell him you like him and could we catch up sometime, I don't know how busy the bar is , but it would be better to talk to him b4 or after his shift.
Don't worry about a knock back, you get them along the way !

 

[anchihiro]

Hey go for it, a lot of people aren't as brave as you. Besides there are other bars.

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, you realize that he's being asked out all the time probably, right? Bartenders get hit on a lot in gay bars. So, as long as you don't go way overboard there's probably no need to avoid him if he says no.

If he says yes, it's true he works there, but it's also true you already hang out there. Changing your habits seems excessive. It's a bar, not a boardroom, you would never want to walk in on meetings your BF has, but hanging out in a bar is something entirely different.

I'd say that would only be a problem if you made a nuisance of yourself.

 

[gotdimples77]

yeah. he gets hit on all the time. thats ok though. It IS easier to remember peoples drinks if they stand out in some way. I would take the casual approach and see if he has seen Thor yet or would like to and give him your number. (it was pretty thor-rible so if you end up making out you wont miss much.) you don't need to stop going to the bar if he says he isnt interested, more likely he just wont call. He isnt going to make a scene at work. You shouldnt either.

 

[gotdimples77]

Also if you like early too mid thirties bartenders, I LOVE mid twenties hispanic catholic school homebodys!! lol...I'm sure I am not the only one!!

 

[TX-Beau]

Be careful though, I don't know what the place you're hanging out at is like, but I used to go to this club in LA where the bartenders were forbidden to tell you if they were gay or straight.

Plus they played games, fun games admittedly, where they would walk right up to the line of flirting with you, but not cross it.

That was quite deliberate, and they were all insanely hot, but the point, was to get you to open your wallet, while making sure you were flattered and catered to.

It's hard to say in that context whether he's interested or not. Too many outside variables.

It may even be possible that he's not allowed to date customers.

 

[maxpowr9]

Well, you realize that he's being asked out all the time probably, right? Bartenders get hit on a lot in gay bars. So, as long as you don't go way overboard there's probably no need to avoid him if he says no.

If he says yes, it's true he works there, but it's also true you already hang out there. Changing your habits seems excessive. It's a bar, not a boardroom, you would never want to walk in on meetings your BF has, but hanging out in a bar is something entirely different.

I'd say that would only be a problem if you made a nuisance of yourself.

As a former bartender, they do get hit on all the time for many reasons. They often 'flirt' with patrons so they get more tips (very true in any food/beverage establishment). I got hit on a ton also because people would try to con free drinks from me (it can get quite expensive). Unless you are a 'regular' at a place, a friend of mine at the time or something bad happened (incorrect drink, spilled, etc.), I would not give you a free one.

There is nothing more annoying also than someone trying to converse with me during 'peak hours' when the bar is 3-deep. I have a job to do and other people want to get drinks also. With that said, if you can, I would go there when it is slow first and strike up a conversation with him and see where it goes before asking him out. More often than not, they are just being friendly towards you and you are misreading his signals. Of course, you miss 100% of the risks you don't take.

 

[dhchitown1984]

just befriend the bartender at first, and I give that word of advice because I was head over heels for this one guy, and it turned out he was straight! However, we've become good friends and we actually hang out on his days off some times, and we alternate between going to a gay bar where he wingmans for me, or a straight bar and I wingman for him.

No matter what happens, there is no reason to stop going. If he's into you, great! Don't break your routine because you've gone out. Maybe (dependent on how big this bar is) you can alternate between going in and sitting at his side of the bar and then on some nights, someone elses. If he says no, that's OK too - you're still a customer, and he'd probably still hook you up with a free round or two each night. If I were the bartender, and someone stopped coming in all together (no matter which way it goes), would seem as though there was some insecurity on the guys part.

I say get to know the guy, and ask him out! You only live once!

 

[eliduc]

gotdimples77: heh

Everyone else, thanks for the advice. I went there tonight, had one drink and bluntly asked him if he'd like to go out sometime.

As I mostly expected, he turned me down (said he had a partner). However he was really kind, gentle, and considerate about it and told me he really liked how brave I was and that I should never apologize for that (because I did). I clumsily spilled my drink because I was so nervous and we just laughed it off and he served me another one.

He encouraged me to do karaoke next time I came by.

I'm not going to lie, I feel really disappointed since it's very rare and far between that I feel a strong attraction to someone like that but I'm grateful he made the let down so soft I barely felt it.

At the very least, the risk got me a possible friend!

 

[Centexfarmer]

At the very least, the risk got me a possible friend!

And that's what you should go with!

One of my exe's was a bartender, and he had the chance to go home with his choice of guys every night.

Hell he even brought home one of the Go Go boys one night for a three way (if I was so inclined).

One of my room mates used to tend bar at one of the local Gay watering holes, and he use to say "Bartending is the only true form of legalized prostitution still allowed."

Though I've never quite worked up the nerve to ask a bartender out, more than a few have asked me out.

Ever since my ex I've made it a point to never date bartenders.

They make great friends though because they know a lot of people = future dates.

 

[MorrisseyX]

Hello Op the bartender's job is basically to provide the fantasy to the customer that they have a connection.
The bartender is supposed to be like a superficial friend or pal but really their job is to get you to spend money on drinks. I just hope you are okay? The bartender's purpose is to drive alcohol sales that's it. The bartender's get hired at gay bars of course because they are attractive. Another reason is, bartenders have to provide the facade he is friendly. Perhaps the OP is projecting a bit thinking the bartender likes him when he is just doing his job?

 

[youngnihilist]

Best job to get laid - besides porn "star" - is bartender without a doubt. Even security guards get some. So as others said, the bartender is a busy man. And they are a fantasy

 

[eliduc]

Yeah I never really got the vibe that he liked me "that way" at any point of my talking to him. And I totally get the whole thing about them having to play a part as pal and/or flirt as part of their role. I still think he was genuinely friendly and considerate though, so I don't want to be totally cynical in believing it was solely done for business.

Still, one thing I'm trying to do in my life is live by the motto that you miss 100% of the chances you don't take, so I'm trying to take chances no matter how far fetched they seem.

If I didn't take chances, I'd never leave the house and end up where I was a year or two ago, depressed and obsessing over some guy I couldn't have (I have a former thread re: this). At least now I got a direct answer and am able to use that to move on.