Assuming your partner wants to be a non-sexual escort?

[cluelessdate]

My boyfriend and I just had an argument about this topic today. Basically, he found an advertisement on craigslist about somebody (unsure of gender) in need of a "handsome, model type while male" to "hang out" with the said person for 100USD/hour, and he went ahead and apply for it without asking me. Also, he found an ad about doing solo porn that pays 500USD for an hour of filming, and was very curious to at least try to send his photo to the recruiter.

And I was pissed, really pissed for the first time in our relationship. I made it clear to him that I don't want him to do anything that can make me uncomfortable. I basically told him that it's totally unacceptable for my boyfriend to either do porn or escort. If he ever did such jobs in the past, I can let it pass, but it's a big no when we're in a relationship. He said he was sorry and agreed not to send the application to the porn job - the first one he already did however.

So come back to the question, his answer was that the two jobs basically doesn't involve him having sex/making physical contact with other people, and that shouldn't be considered wrong in a relationship. Well, the porn thing my argument back was that I don't want other people to see my boyfriend's doodle, period.

The other job, however, resulted in a more heated argument. He works in marketing, so his reasoning is that the job is more a lip-service plus model thing. You are paid to talk and entertain a person, and that as long as it doesn't involve any physical contract, and that you know when to draw the line for what you can do, then it's alright. For me, such jobs are self-degrading (I'm sorry if I offend anyone here, but this is totally my personal opinion), because you have to trample on your values to fake a smile, fake being interested in the client and so on. So it's not OK for my boyfriend to do such things. That doesn't mean I don't have respect for people who have to do such jobs one way or another, but I feel it makes my boyfriend less "exclusive".

So what is your take on it? I know I'm right to be angry at him, and it's good that he backed off from the idea. But I want to know other people's opinion, on whether you can accept your boyfriend doing such jobs, provided they are certainly non-sexual, and that you trust your partner?

 

[swerve]

I disagree with your assessment...

IF I were your boyfriend -- I would run like Tom Hanks did in that Forrest Gump movie...

But -- then again -- we are all different people with different expectations in life...

I want a partner that supports my aspirations -- others may want to be controlled...

 

[bankside]

My boyfriend and I just had an argument about this topic today. Basically, he found an advertisement on craigslist about somebody (unsure of gender) in need of a "handsome, model type while male" to "hang out" with the said person for 100USD/hour, and he went ahead and apply for it without asking me. Also, he found an ad about doing solo porn that pays 500USD for an hour of filming, and was very curious to at least try to send his photo to the recruiter.

And I was pissed, really pissed for the first time in our relationship. I made it clear to him that I don't want him to do anything that can make me uncomfortable. I basically told him that it's totally unacceptable for my boyfriend to either do porn or escort. If he ever did such jobs in the past, I can let it pass, but it's a big no when we're in a relationship. He said he was sorry and agreed not to send the application to the porn job - the first one he already did however.

So come back to the question, his answer was that the two jobs basically doesn't involve him having sex/making physical contact with other people, and that shouldn't be considered wrong in a relationship. Well, the porn thing my argument back was that I don't want other people to see my boyfriend's doodle, period.

The other job, however, resulted in a more heated argument. He works in marketing, so his reasoning is that the job is more a lip-service plus model thing. You are paid to talk and entertain a person, and that as long as it doesn't involve any physical contract, and that you know when to draw the line for what you can do, then it's alright. For me, such jobs are self-degrading (I'm sorry if I offend anyone here, but this is totally my personal opinion), because you have to trample on your values to fake a smile, fake being interested in the client and so on. So it's not OK for my boyfriend to do such things. That doesn't mean I don't have respect for people who have to do such jobs one way or another, but I feel it makes my boyfriend less "exclusive".

So what is your take on it? I know I'm right to be angry at him, and it's good that he backed off from the idea. But I want to know other people's opinion, on whether you can accept your boyfriend doing such jobs, provided they are certainly non-sexual, and that you trust your partner?

Your boyfriend is doing things that obviously undermine the usual idea of a monogamous relationship. He is looking for something different. Maybe not an open relationship, but certainly not standard monogamy. He's entitled to look for that if that will make him happy, and similarly you are entitled to reject it or accept it. But the dumb part is he didn't come to you up front to see what you think of it. He's either selfish or knows little about how to have a relationship.

 

[Seasoned]

In actuality your boyfriend can do anything he wants to and you can react anyway you wish to short of abuse and violence.

The real question here is your boyfriend's lack of communication. I don't know why he wouldn't have mentioned that he was looking for additional work.

In the end, it's going to take shared values to have a long term healthy relationship.

 

[cluelessdate]

@swerve: I understand your sentiment. However, I'm not the controlling type at all. In fact, I set a very clear boundary of what I can ask him for and what I can't. He did these things out of curiosity, not because it's his passion in life. If they were truly his aspirations (I honestly don't see aspiration in escorting job, but that's my own opinion), I wouldn't hold him back from it. In fact, I told him that he could even leave me for another guy he met on OKCupid after hearing him talking about how perfect the guy was. I'm not in favor, however, of any act that may undermine our monogamous relationship or ruin our mutual trust.

Just to be clear, I'm not angry with him anymore. We sit down and talk and though we disagree on whether such jobs undermine a relationship or not, he promise not to go for them. I tell him that if he feels like I'm holding him back from all the fun he might have in this city, he is free to go. After all, our relationship is not gonna last long since he'll leave the country at the end of the year. Still, he says he is sorry and he promises not to do things without asking me again. We're still in a monogamous, and committed relationship - long term or not.

As bankside put it, for me I feel such jobs (even though non-sexual) is harmful particularly to a monogamous relationship. I'm curious whether you think the same or not, and what's the line that you draw between acceptable acts and non-acceptable acts? For my boyfriend, it seems that as long as the act is non-sexual, it's acceptable. For me, if the act involves emotion from either side (even without reciprocity), it's not acceptable, unless I explicitly agree to it.

 

[medic1]

Your boyfriend is doing things that obviously undermine the usual idea of a monogamous relationship. He is looking for something different. Maybe not an open relationship, but certainly not standard monogamy. He's entitled to look for that if that will make him happy, and similarly you are entitled to reject it or accept it. But the dumb part is he didn't come to you up front to see what you think of it. He's either selfish or knows little about how to have a relationship.

^This .
As usual spot on .

 

[Benvolio]

If he was doing it primarily for the money, I think you overreacted. Neither involves sex with another, so neither is infidelity. Both involve him getting paid for his good looks and that make him feel good. Who doesn't like the idea of that. How would you react if he were paid for fashion modeling? If you try to control him too much, you may lose him. When you exercise too much control, he will hide things from you.

 

[hylas]

is there even such a thing as "non-sexual escort"? i could be wrong, but i always assumed that was a euphemism for countries where prostitution is illegal.

anyway, i think you may be overreacting just a little.

yes, you have the right to be bothered about him doing any of those things, since they involve sexuality and intimacy, and therefore involve you, since youre his boyfriend.

however, he did ask you whether youre ok with it before he did any of it.

yes, ideally he probably should have asked you before he even sent the application. but that seems a little like quibbling over details to me. the important thing is, he asked you before he actually did it.

i guess he just misjudged you. he thought youd be fine with it, and it wouldnt be a big deal. youre not, and it is, and you made that clear to him. no need to be angry.

personally, id be fine if my (hypothetical) boyfriend did any of those things.

 

[Orlandude]

In fairness to your relationship, he should have had the common consideration to discuss this with you before he did anything and the fact that he did not is the only thing that bothers me. There's nothing controlling about telling your partner your intentions. Anything less implies deceit and hidden agendas, unless you have a completely open. non-monogamous relationship.

 

[medic1]

In fairness to your relationship, he should have had the common consideration to discuss this with you before he did anything and the fact that he did not is the only thing that bothers me. There's nothing controlling about telling your partner your intentions. Anything less implies deceit and hidden agendas, unless you have a completely open. non-monogamous relationship.

^Yet again .
So well said.....................

 

[youngnihilist]

Nonsexual escorts are very rare. Betcha this "client" will push for more if they actually meet. Maybe it's a ploy to get a non working boy and convert him into one.

 

[ivankylelouie]

Nonsexual escorts are very rare. Betcha this "client" will push for more if they actually meet. Maybe it's a ploy to get a non working boy and convert him into one.

tbh.. he maybe just looking for a "clean" guy for a hookup

 

[palbert]

Nonsexual escorts are very rare. Betcha this "client" will push for more if they actually meet. Maybe it's a ploy to get a non working boy and convert him into one.

^^ This.

(If people go on about communication forgetting this is about sex solicitation [at those rates] well, believe what you want. This relationship is in peril - for lack of communication AND wanderlust.)

 

[sixthson]

If he is willing to be a paid dinner companion for $100/hour what would he be willing to do if offered $1000? Considering his poor communication, he might do it on the spur of the moment and never tell you.

On a slightly off topic comment, how desperate must someone be to have to hire someone to have dinner with them??

 

[Disturbance]

If he is willing to be a paid dinner companion for $100/hour what would he be willing to do if offered $1000? Considering his poor communication, he might do it on the spur of the moment and never tell you.

On a slightly off topic comment, how desperate must someone be to have to hire someone to have dinner with them??

Usually these are very desperate individuals, however it doesn't always apply.

Some very successful bussinessmen prefer to spend their time with people who are interested in them and their conquests. Now, escorts can at least make them believe this, and they can provide the attention he needs.