awkward health related question

[dhchitown1984]

OK, this is really really awkward for me to bring up on this lovely anonymous form let alone with my good friend who keeps having this recurring issue.

I've been friends with this guy for going on 10 years now. When we've gone out drinking together, he crashes at my place. I'm a studio apartment, so he always crashes in my bed which I've never had a problem with. About 3 months ago, he met this guy and would spend the night at his place (he lives a good 45 minute drive away from the gay bars in the area, which is why he doesn't go home after we've been out). The guy he's been spending all this time with has become a good friend of mine, and told me that he's run into a bit of an incontinence issue with him. I kind of thought he was making it up, because it's never been an issue that I've had to deal with and my buddy has crashed at my place continuously.

However, both this morning and last Sunday morning, he's had this bed wetting problem at my place! In the morning, he acts super awkward about getting out of the bed, so I know he's aware that it happens, but what makes it more uncomfortable is how he's put the bed comforter on top of it and then has laid on top of that, so it only spreads everything further into my bed. I assume he's trying to cover it up in hopes I don't notice?

I don't want him staying over anymore because quite frankly, a) it's gross and b) I hate having to wash my sheets at 9:00 every Sunday morning. The problem is, I don't even know how to bring this up. Additionally, I've googled it, and everything I read says that this bed wetting could be the sign of liver disease from too much alcohol, and both myself and this guy's sister have discussed talking about his over-drinking with him.

So, my question (finally), has anyone had to deal with this issue with someone before? How did you resolve it?

 

[anchihiro]

No, but if it means he might have liver disease then the sooner the better.
Forget that its an embarassing subject to talk about, by doing so you would be saving your friends health which is more important.

 

[cityboy-stl]

When we've gone out drinking together...

I've googled it, and everything I read says ... too much alcohol,

... both myself and this guy's sister have discussed talking about his over-drinking with him.

Peeing the bed is not the problem. The real problem is alcoholism. He's bound to be doing it at home as well. And he knows he's doing it. If he's reached this stage it's only going to get worse. You can either put up with it and enable the problem or not. Do not let him ruin your bed. When he is sober tell him you can't put up him causing damage to your belongings. Get a plastic waterproof sheet and make him pass out on it, on the floor. When he comes-to Sunday morning make him clean it up. In the meantime Google how to talk to a friend about their drinking problem and call Al-Anon (for family and friends of alcoholics) and get some advice them. Google Alcoholics Anonymous. You just have to get over it and be forthright with him, otherwise you make the problem worse.

 

[seven2go]

You're obviously dealing with a person who has a severe drinking problem.
Good luck with that because there's only one thing more difficult than dealing with an alcoholic who won't admit he has a problem:
TWO alcoholics.......

 

[KaraBulut]

Peeing the bed is not the problem. The real problem is alcoholism.

^^This.

The only thing I would add is that while it's good that he's not driving drunk, he's still a drunk.

Don't put him in a situation where he gets behind the wheel because he doesn't have a place to stay but if it's to the point that he's incontinent, it's time to deal with the cause instead of dealing with the symptom.

 

[dhchitown1984]

I appreciate everyone's input. I definitely was looking at this bed-wetting and the aclholism as two separate issues instead of a "disease/symptom" approach.

And KaraBulut, thats the hardest part. I definitely would never put him in a position to drive after he's been drinking, but I feel like I don't have any option than to let him spend the night, seeing that I'll leave the bar around 12:30/1:00 and he'll stay out until 4 and then when he has no where to stay, he calls me.

Because he's a friend, I have no problem letting him stay (from the safety standpoint), but since he avoids the reality at all costs, it makes it harder for me to want to let him stay.

Also, thanks for the Al-Anon suggestion. I never knew that kind of an organization was out there. I'll definitely take advantage of it.

 

[cityboy-stl]

^ There are gay AA and gay Al-Anon groups everywhere. Be sure to ask.

 

[Seasoned]

How is he getting to your place from the bars? What does he do when you're away? What happens when you hook up?

Even though alcoholism is disease it can't be handled by loved ones in any kind of typical fashion. Tough love is the answer rather than enabling. Each time you allow him to stay and piss up your place with no consequences you escort him closer to his death.

He does as he pleases with no consequences. Isn't it odd that he gets to piss in his sleep and everyone pretends nothing happened? What would happen if you were at his place and grabbed a pillow from his bed, set it over the toilet and pissed on it?

How about this: "it's not fun watching your alcoholism progress to the point where my bedding is ruined from your piss. Untreated alcoholism leads to death, including suicide, imprisonment and/or insanity (wet brain). It treatable. Here is the local AA number. And here is a pack of adult diapers. I would guess your hook up days are over."

 

[dhchitown1984]

I definitely went the "tough love" approach the other day. It's aggravating because I've always been a people-pleaser... not wanting to say things that upset others, but this situation has really put me over the edge.

I leave within three blocks of Boystown in Chicago. Which is fine for me, but as for my friend who's 45-minutes away, I'm like the cheap local motel.

He was out with coworkers the other day after work, so he was out at about 5:30/6:00pm. He asked if I wanted to join and I declined. Low and behold, around midnight I was getting "Hey, I'm at x-y-z bar and my coworkers went out. Come out for a drink." I told him I had work in the morning and had to go to bed. He texted me an hour later, so I didn't respond. At about 2am he was at my apartment door ringing the doorbell because "he needed somewhere to crash." So I went downstairs to the door, told him I'm not here to be his hotel, and turned around. He actually tried getting in again putting it on me because he had nowhere to spend the night and how guilty I'd feel if anything happened to him on his way home if he drove. I told him he made that choice at 5:30 when he started drinking, and left it at that.

It sucks, because he's always been a great friend, but enough is enough.....

Again, thanks to you all for your support. This website is amazing. Have a great weekend everyone!

 

[cityboy-stl]

So...how's it going?

 

[dhchitown1984]

For me, things are better!

I've definitely put my foot down in terms of enabling the behavior. I actually haven't seen him since the incident I posted about on the 8th. He's continued to go out and drink, but I refuse to be a part of it, and I've told him I won't go anywhere with him if we'll be drinking, and that it has to be a sober setting.

Since I've completely stopped hanging out with him, his other friends who've been "on the fence" about whether or not he has a problem have really recognized it because he now hangs out with them ALL the time, so they've even come back around to me with "I now know what you were talking about," so they're reaching their breaking point too.

Hopefully, my friend will wake up soon and realize that there are bigger issues here than he's ready to admit. But I think we're ready to crack him. And I did find a local Al-Anon group thats been great to participate in. Thanks for asking

 

[cityboy-stl]

Good I'm glad things are going well for you. I will keep you both in my thoughts. I pray that he will find his way to recovery and you receive some serenity. It's painful and difficult to go through but it's great on the other side. Trust me, I know.