Bad Situation With a Friend

[applemartini]

Hey everyone,

I'm a long time lurker and first time poster. Something's been bothering me and since I have nowhere else to go, I figured I'd try this out.

Before I begin, here's some stats on me. I'm 25 years old, not really out of the closet. I've never been with a guy before and have never really been interested until a while ago - but I'll get to that soon. I've had relationships with girls and am sexually attracted to girls. I'm thinking I might be bi but this isn't even the issue.

Here's my problem: I'm pretty sure that I'm in love with my best friend. It's been about two years and I've had enough already. He's the first guy I've ever been attracted to and the first guy that I've had heartbreak with. He's quite the casanova and gets girls left and right. As his right hand man, I have to hear about these conquests first hand and it's beginning to become really torturous.

A little big more on our relationship: we're like brothers. We're extremely close and there's a bond between us that means the world to me. I can't picture my life without him in some capacity. People constantly comment on our friendship and how rare it is to find this kind of closeness between two people.

In any case, you get the gist of it. I want to be able to maintain a healthy friendship with this guy because he does mean the world to me, but I want to be able to not give a shit when he hooks up with other girls. I've begun to get really upset when it happens and I don't want to deal with the anxiety anymore.

So essentially, I want to get over this guy all the while being able to keep him close. I'm thinking it's impossible, and I'm sure you do too. Any help would be really appreciated.

 

[bankside]

If he needs you like a brother, you can't be his boyfriend at the same time.

If it helps you feel any better, I had a very good straight friend, who knew I was gay, and it used to piss me off a lot when he would hook up with some woman, mostly because he was no good at hooking up. He would fall for every one of them, and then it would all go wrong. I got tired of it pretty fast.

 

[applemartini]

Let me add that his dude is very much straight lol.

And I know I can't have him. I'm completely aware that nothing is ever going to happen. Yet I keep getting hurt. And it's getting worse.

 

[Kyanimal]

The strongest hold is one done with loose arms. The best way to keep him close is to respect his freedom, rejoice in his successes, support his endeavors, and relish that he is willing to Share his Life with YOU!

It can be a really Tough row to hoe, though!

If you truly do LOVE Him, Unconditionally, and Cherish your Friendship, You have to be willing to Accept him, ALL of Him.

Are you prepared to let him "Go" in order to Keep HIM?

If you are, the eventual results might just surprise you!

Wishing YOU all the Very Best! Which is why You should ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[Yuki Sohma]

Hey applemartini

I fully agree with Ky......& let me just share a similar experience I have had. I fell in love with Randy while we were together outside of the US. Madly in love. All I wanted was to be with Randy day & night, night & day. I could not sleep without seeing him before I went to sleep & I could not make it through my day without seeing him.

You see, I knew I was gay but Randy wasn't sure of his sexuality. I just wanted to hug & kiss, kiss & hug Randy all day & I would have been happy.

But....I knew that upon our return to the US I would live in Seattle & Randy would be going back to Penn State University, thousands of miles apart. Well, Randy and I visited when we got back but here is the kicker..............

I chose not to have sex with Randy because I knew that our lives together would not work because of way too many issues and that having sex with each other would only complicate an already important decision--stay friends & should time and distance again allow us to be together then it is meant to be.

All my best in your relationship with your best friend.

The strongest hold is one done with loose arms. The best way to keep him close is to respect his freedom, rejoice in his successes, support his endeavors, and relish that he is willing to Share his Life with YOU!

It can be a really Tough row to hoe, though!

If you truly do LOVE Him, Unconditionally, and Cherish your Friendship, You have to be willing to Accept him, ALL of Him.

Are you prepared to let him "Go" in order to Keep HIM?

If you are, the eventual results might just surprise you!

Wishing YOU all the Very Best! Which is why You should ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[Georgiadude]

I totally understand what you're saying and its a difficult spot to be in. I think some of your anxiety over his hooking up is jealousy. You want to be the one he's hooking up with. You know It's not going to happen so it pisses you off. Since he's such a close friend distancing yourself probably isn't the answer. You could talk with him and ask him to cut back on the info he's sharing with you. Tell him it's making you uncomfortable or something. I wouldn't risk losing that close of a friend over something you know isn't going to happen. I've been in that position and it sucks. I just learned to live with it. It takes a while and it hurts but you can't make someone feel attracted to you. No matter how much you want it to happen. Best of luck

Steven

 

[applemartini]

Thank for the reply guys!

This is a really tough spot to be in. I really care about this guy and I truly do consider him like a brother. Unfortunately, those feelings changed to something else and I have to squash it. It's come to the point that it's unbearable to hear about his endeavours and I'm not sure what to do anymore. What's worse is that I know he can tell something is wrong with me and he really cares about me so he's starting to become vocal about it.

One thing is for sure, I can't cut him out. He's been an amazing friend to me for quite a while now. We come as a team and everyone who knows us knows that. I want more than anything than to be able to look at him and think "That's my brother, I love him so much" and not "I love him so much and I want to die because of jealous I am."

I need to get a hang of things because it can't continue. I'm really hurting and it's getting worse as time goes on.

I really love this guy, but I need to be able to separate the types of love and let the romantic feelings go. I don't even know if it's possible.

 

[applemartini]

I totally understand what you're saying and its a difficult spot to be in. I think some of your anxiety over his hooking up is jealousy. You want to be the one he's hooking up with. You know It's not going to happen so it pisses you off. Since he's such a close friend distancing yourself probably isn't the answer. You could talk with him and ask him to cut back on the info he's sharing with you. Tell him it's making you uncomfortable or something. I wouldn't risk losing that close of a friend over something you know isn't going to happen. I've been in that position and it sucks. I just learned to live with it. It takes a while and it hurts but you can't make someone feel attracted to you. No matter how much you want it to happen. Best of luck

Steven

You basically mastered what it is I'm feeling. You're spot on.

 

[HunterM]

If you continue to have urges/desires to have romantic feelings or sex with him, then you are bicurious at this point. This is not about him. It is about you addressing your own sexuality.

Explore your sexuality. Meet and date other guys to see if it is something you like...or not. Get it out of your system. Know yourself. Your urges don't go away. Don't use your best friend in the world as an experiment.

Once you start dating or having sex with guys or girls, you wouldn't mind hearing his conquest so much because you would have your own stories to share with him. You would have your own active social life to project your romantic feelings to someone who would return your affections.

 

[Georgiadude]

I knew i was spot on because I've been there. I agree with Hunter. You need your own life. You need to branch out and figure out who you are. You're almost too close to him. I strongly suggest some counseling. Also you need to put a little distance between the two of you. He's going to ask you what is going on and you're going to have to tell him something. I'd strongly suggest you don't profess your true feelings right now. Maybe later but not now. Your friendship is going to have to change or it's going to implode and fall apart completely. I really advise some counseling to help you sort YOUR issues out. This goes deeper than you and your friend. PM me if you want. Id be happy to talk more

Steven

 

[applemartini]

If you continue to have urges/desires to have romantic feelings or sex with him, then you are bicurious at this point. This is not about him. It is about you addressing your own sexuality.

Explore your sexuality. Meet and date other guys to see if it is something you like...or not. Get it out of your system. Know yourself. Your urges don't go away. Don't use your best friend in the world as an experiment.

Once you start dating or having sex with guys or girls, you wouldn't mind hearing his conquest so much because you would have your own stories to share with him. You would have your own active social life to project your romantic feelings to someone who would return your affections.

This is some sound advice, thank you so much.

I am very much bicurious. I'm completely open to trying new things, but my feelings for him were what led me to this point. Unfortunately, whether it be girls or boys - I'm not very experienced. I'm very much a shy person and as a result, I don't really end up with much. People tend to look the other way because I'm not the most confident and this has resulted in a serious lack of experience. As a result, I live vicariously through my buddy and he has said that before without even knowing that I have feelings for him. Something's gotta change. I'm just not sure how to make it happen.

I knew i was spot on because I've been there. I agree with Hunter. You need your own life. You need to branch out and figure out who you are. You're almost too close to him. I strongly suggest some counseling. Also you need to put a little distance between the two of you. He's going to ask you what is going on and you're going to have to tell him something. I'd strongly suggest you don't profess your true feelings right now. Maybe later but not now. Your friendship is going to have to change or it's going to implode and fall apart completely. I really advise some counseling to help you sort YOUR issues out. This goes deeper than you and your friend. PM me if you want. Id be happy to talk more

Steven

I thought about counselling. I feel really stuck and scared that this is going to get worse. He's someone I want around, but I can't continue on with this sharp pain in my gut, worried that he'll bang someone new.

What it boils down to is I want my own experiences and stories. If I had my own thing to tell him I'd feel so much better. I'd even go as far to say that I'd get over him faster.

And thanks for the PM offer buddy, I'll probably be taking you up on that soon.

 

[Seasoned]

If you were out of the closet this would be easier as he'd have boundaries and you'd stop pining and begin looking to get lucky yourself.

 

[RickRak]

I have been in this situation as well - something I don't think you mentioned that I also got to deal with as a bonus was the inevitable breakups. I got to pick up the pieces and put his miserable (adorable) sad ass back together again and rebuild his confidence just to watch him rinse and repeat with the next chick. It was emotionally draining and I really started to resent it.

Aren't feelings a bitch?

Got to the point in my relationship with my friend that he got mad at me for something I felt he should have been more sympathetic over and it was the last emotional straw and all my feelings for him just turned off like switch got flipped. I had dragged myself through emotional hell to keep being his friend because I was in love with him and I knew it was all I could have and eventually it just wasn't enough anymore.

You keep going this way and the same'll happen to you - you're going to keep on sacrificing your own emotions to bolster his because you want to be his friend and be there for him since that's all you can do but because that's all you can do you're going to be the best damn friend ever and you're going to put all that pressure on yourself to be his rock and it will eventually be under appreciated because he's straight and he thinks your his friend not his lover and you'll have had it too.

I'm older, wiser and a much harder person than I used to be...don't put yourself through it. You may think he's more important than you are but years down the road you're going to wish you'd paid more attention to YOUR needs and not his.

 

[journo25]

If you continue to have urges/desires to have romantic feelings or sex with him, then you are bicurious at this point. This is not about him. It is about you addressing your own sexuality.

Explore your sexuality. Meet and date other guys to see if it is something you like...or not. Get it out of your system. Know yourself. Your urges don't go away. Don't use your best friend in the world as an experiment.

Once you start dating or having sex with guys or girls, you wouldn't mind hearing his conquest so much because you would have your own stories to share with him. You would have your own active social life to project your romantic feelings to someone who would return your affections.

Excellent advice! You need to explore your own sexuality. Date guys who will be receptive to your curiosity and affection... rather than jeopardize a valued friendship by pushing someone to "want" you in ways that will make them uncomfortable and avoid contact with you. Once you have found some outlets you may be able to put this friendship in perspective and simply enjoy his company without feeling the pain of a crush that is not reciprocated. I speak from experience too!

 

[Rolyo85]

In about 80% of the cases when people come here looking for help, their problem is being closeted, and this is most definitely the case here too. It is a classical situation of unfulfilled emotional and sexual needs that of course find their focus in the person you are emotionally closest with. It is also an easy situation and a safe place to be in. You can suffer tragically, and not really have to confront any of your feelings, because the guy is unavailable and can never be anything else. I'm not saying you consciously put yourself there, of course, but it IS one of the closet's defense mechanisms for protecting the Big Lie.

I say this without much conditional wording, because I was you up until almost three years ago (came out on September 15, 2010). Except, I was juggling two of those best-friends-you-are-crushing-on. And you know the best thing? The moment I came out - truly came out to them and the rest of the world, but mostly to myself (as I was in denial), a mental switch flipped, and my feelings for them suddenly completely shifted to pure undiluted friendship. My relationship to both of them has never been as strong as it is now, and they both know I had been into them at different times.

Maybe your story will go differently, after all your guy isn't my two guys, and you aren't me. Everyone treats this situation differently, but in the end, there is only one thing you can do to enter an emotionally healthy state of being, and that is - to come out and face the world on its real terms. I promise you, the moment you discover actual open interaction with gay men, you'll be wondering what you ever saw in a straight boy

 

[applemartini]

I have been in this situation as well - something I don't think you mentioned that I also got to deal with as a bonus was the inevitable breakups. I got to pick up the pieces and put his miserable (adorable) sad ass back together again and rebuild his confidence just to watch him rinse and repeat with the next chick. It was emotionally draining and I really started to resent it.

Aren't feelings a bitch?

Got to the point in my relationship with my friend that he got mad at me for something I felt he should have been more sympathetic over and it was the last emotional straw and all my feelings for him just turned off like switch got flipped. I had dragged myself through emotional hell to keep being his friend because I was in love with him and I knew it was all I could have and eventually it just wasn't enough anymore.

You keep going this way and the same'll happen to you - you're going to keep on sacrificing your own emotions to bolster his because you want to be his friend and be there for him since that's all you can do but because that's all you can do you're going to be the best damn friend ever and you're going to put all that pressure on yourself to be his rock and it will eventually be under appreciated because he's straight and he thinks your his friend not his lover and you'll have had it too.

I'm older, wiser and a much harder person than I used to be...don't put yourself through it. You may think he's more important than you are but years down the road you're going to wish you'd paid more attention to YOUR needs and not his.

But this already is me. I already hold his hand through the break ups. I already find myself going the extra mile to make him happy. Don't get me wrong, he sees this stuff and I know I'm not exactly being taken for granted. He really does care about me a lot. But just not in the same way I care about him.

One thing I want people to realize is that I know you're absolutely right. I need to change and I need to start focusing on myself. I just don't know how to make things better. I'm truly at a loss.

In about 80% of the cases when people come here looking for help, their problem is being closeted, and this is most definitely the case here too. It is a classical situation of unfulfilled emotional and sexual needs that of course find their focus in the person you are emotionally closest with. It is also an easy situation and a safe place to be in. You can suffer tragically, and not really have to confront any of your feelings, because the guy is unavailable and can never be anything else. I'm not saying you consciously put yourself there, of course, but it IS one of the closet's defense mechanisms for protecting the Big Lie.

I say this without much conditional wording, because I was you up until almost three years ago (came out on September 15, 2010). Except, I was juggling two of those best-friends-you-are-crushing-on. And you know the best thing? The moment I came out - truly came out to them and the rest of the world, but mostly to myself (as I was in denial), a mental switch flipped, and my feelings for them suddenly completely shifted to pure undiluted friendship. My relationship to both of them has never been as strong as it is now, and they both know I had been into them at different times.

Maybe your story will go differently, after all your guy isn't my two guys, and you aren't me. Everyone treats this situation differently, but in the end, there is only one thing you can do to enter an emotionally healthy state of being, and that is - to come out and face the world on its real terms. I promise you, the moment you discover actual open interaction with gay men, you'll be wondering what you ever saw in a straight boy

As far as my sexuality is concerned, I really don't know. As I said, I've never really been full on attracted to a dude until my friend came along. But I'm not gonna lie, it's sparked some serious curiosity and I'm down to experiment and to see what I like. I'm not afraid of that. Coming out is another story, but I'm not really there yet. I have some more figuring out to do.

The bigger issue at hand is getting through this. I believe you when you say that things will be better once I come out, but I need to get a hold on things first. I feel completely lost and I'm not sure where to go next. I just want to be able to spend time with this guy and not want to stab myself (and him) in the throat. (please understand I'm being sarcastic lol)

It's getting tough. I've chopped it up to getting out there and doing things for myself. Unfortunately for me and unlike him, opportunity never comes knocking. I know you have to go seek things, but nothing really pans out which is a major part of the problem.

I love this guy. One thing is for sure, he is who I am emotionally closest to (and he knows this). I'm not sure I want that to change.. which is a problem in itself.