bagley - Archived Blog Posts

[bagley]

When I was a teenager I experienced a profound illumination while cock sucking. Before this profound illumination I had never swallow sperm or been naked in a sexual situation with a man. I haunted the local teahouses and gave quicky bj's to the denizens of that world. These men gave me alcohol and cigarettes and I got high off their attention. I have written in an earlier blog I was caught drinking a beer after a tryst by some cops and more or less abandoned the teahouse/public bathroom world.
When I was a rising senior in high school I meet a man named Ray. We made eye contact, he circled around the block and I got in his car. He smelled good. He was well groomed. We went to his apartment. We got naked. I sucked his sweet smelling dick. He caressed me . I felt him starting to ejaculate and just let him. As he ejaculated his sperm down my throat I had an powerful inner vision. It was fire. It was white light and freedom. It was a release. Everything became crystal clear..just for a moment. I was so overcome ....I started to cry.

It has taken me years to break this experience down into an understandable experience. It was this gay sexual experience which opened up a mystical/spiritual and I might add magickal world for me. Powerful spiritual and mystical experiences have a history of wreaking the mundane life of the new initiate. For the most part the spirituaized gay male is without guidance. The majority ST8 sexual conversation has edited out the gay sexo-spiritual conversation.

Meditating, I can go back to this enlightening sexual experience and capture some of it's essence. This man's sperm impregnated me witha mystical vision which I still carry today. I can feel my lips and tongue tease the sperm out of his body. His fire burns my throat and goes into my stomach where it explodes. My body shakes and my eyes turn up into my head....I feel that feeling of total freedom. It's Holy Communion. It empowers me. In my heart I know this was the begining of liberation for me.

 

[bagley]

There is a new book about the Life of Oscar Wilde. Oscar is one of those queer men who ST8's can not co-opt. His delicious wit and wonderful plays ring with an undeniable "gay sensibility". I can't wait to get the book .Here is a review of the book .

THE SECRET LIFE OF OSCAR WILDE
By Neil McKenna
Basic Books
$29.95, 539 pages

http://gaycitynews.com/gcn_434/wilderthanweknew.html

For American's this book is exciting because of Oscar's meeting with Walt Whitman.

Whitman has been ST8 washed. His queerness has been mainly edited out of the culture. And here comes Wilde sprinkling some potent fairy dust over this quintessential American Poet.

My "very gay" male Maine Coon Cat is named Oscar, by the way. He says, " Hello."

 

[bagley]

Several large American Roman Catholic dioceses are going into liquidation over the clergy sexual abuse scandals. For decades the Catholic hierarchy has been unwilling to deal with this problem and instead blamed the victims. Now it looks like some of the hard assets of these dioceses are going on the block. In Spokane the Roman Church owes about 70 million dollars (plus) in awards to the victims. That is some expensive boi ass...so far the American Catholic dioceses have paid out hundreds of millions of dollars because the clergy liked to bang boys.

The victims deserve every penny they can get. I also feel some sympathy toward the "priests". These men were put in the pressure cooker of celibacy while still going through puberty. Some statistics show that a good percentage of priests are gay anyway.... Yes they abused their office... .yes they were adults... I think the real scandal is the position the R.C. hierarchy took against the victims for decades.

The scandal surfaced in the American church because of the separation of church and state..because of an independent court system and a free media, oh! and don't forget the money grubbing lawyers. Is the American Catholic clergy alone in it's love of unsullied boi ass....recent developments in Austria tell otherwise.

Another church which has clergy with a penchant for boi pussy is the Pentecostal holy rolling church. Because most of these churches are dirt poor..the abuse goes mainly unrecorded...but I have heard lots of stories..1st hand....

I think there is a real queer bent in the clergy and the religious....and since this queer bent has no sanctioned outlet..it surfaces at the weakest point.

 

[bagley]

Pope Benedict wants to ban self-admitted queers from the Roman Catholic priesthood. This seems like a sidestepping maneuver to me. For decades the Roman Catholic hierarchy has either ignored this issue or stonewalled investigations. The Pope also seems to want to quarantine the boy banging scandal to America, but I think it is much wider. From what I have read in the religious news the investigation of sexual abuse by clergy is just in it's initial stages in Europe. Almodovar's "Bad Education" might just give us a clue.

This ban will do nothing for the victims. The ban of queer clergy is just a ploy to sidestep the issue of the responsibility of the Roman Catholic hierarchy. In other words..just blame the queers...they are good for a fall.

Here is the story from the wire.


(UPI) -- Pope Benedict XVI reportedly is now studying a proposed instruction that would ban the ordination of homosexuals as Roman Catholic priests.

The Observer said that the instruction written by the Congregation for Catholic Education and Seminaries would, for the first time, make heterosexuality a requirement in selecting candidates for seminaries. In the past, because all priests take vows of celibacy, sexual orientation was not an issue.

John Haldane, a professor of moral philosophy at St. Andrew`s University, told the British newspaper the instruction is certain to be opposed no matter how much it is softened.

"It will be written in a very pastoral mode," Haldane said. "It will not be an attack on the gay lifestyle. It will not say `homosexuality is immoral.`"

The document is a response to the scandal about sexual abuse in the United States, because, in addition to complaints of pedophiliac priests, some priests claimed they had been abused or sexually harassed by superiors.

I wonder where all those viral hetero seminarians are coming from...?

 

[bagley]

My weekend was wild and sexual. For the last 5 years my b/f, best friend, top man, dominator, husband has been concentrating on his advanced degree and his subsequent new job. This left our sexual relations erratic and happen stance. But it looks like the drought is over. I was a little bit devious, too.

I wrote a few blocs ago...about Louis Leo Martelle (1930-2000) , the gay wizard/witch who was a seminal figure in both the 1970S Gay liberation and the witchcraft revival. Shortly after I wrote about Martelle I was meditating and I felt his energy touch me. I also felt linkage to a more ancient queer wizardry. One might call it a chain of linage. I began to feel connected to this tree and began to receive "images" and also "sigils". One of the images I received was of my Anus as a Ruby Red Conduit connected to this ancient center of queer power...so I began to "image" this idea. Even though my husband is "magical" I didn't share...this image...(?)

Yesterday morning I knew right away he wanted sex ( he becomes boyish and sweet). So, I began to invoke and to image. I cleansed the bed room with charged rose water and douched with the charged rose water, too. We had a long make out session and I secretly evoked the "Young God" into him....Part of sex magick is assuming the "god" form. The last thing I remember he was slamming me in just the right spot..and I was gone..in a trance....I was talking to someone.....zip. He came in the bedroom..some time later and asked me if I was going to fix dinner ........because he was hungry. ( he can't cook). I had been out for about an hour and 45 minutes....I asked him "did I cum "?..yeah..you came hard..I have no memory of that..... After I made dinner I told him what I had done....he smirked a bit but said he had a powerful orgasm...I'm sorry now that I didn't prepare an incantation to take with me on my little out of body trip....next time will be better.....this was just a little experiment.

Factoid...The B/f let me measure his cock yesterday....while we were making out...this has been a taboo up till yesterday..he measures just shy 9 inches from the base..along the curve to the piss slit...and is 7 1/2 inches around the base and a bit over 8 at the widest part of the corona. I'm a lucky guy.

Factoid: On Saturday I went to a ST8-edger yard sale and there were 4 tattooed shirtless cropped muscle boys with all kinds of Jesus and God tats...I actually talked to them and asked them what each Bible verse was....they showed me all of their tats...one guy had some beautiful black ink on his six pack....I even bought something...ah boys.........

 

[bagley]

I read the Los Angeles Times article on "Christian Exodus" and found it quite wonderful in a perverse way.....What a whacked out, goofy group of people. The idea of "Christian Exodus" is for right wing extreme fundamentalist Christians to migrate to certain counties in South Carolina centered around Greenville, South Carolina and begin to take over local political positions. I'm for that...sending these people to Greenville suits me just fine...I'd contribute a dollar or two to send some fundies to this fundamentalist Jerusalem...after all it is the home of Bob Jones University... "Christian Exodus" is also tied to "Southern Nationalism" in that the present president of "C.E." was involved with Southern Nationalism in Texas. Here is a site for Southern Nationalism http://www.southernnationalist.org
In the paper most of the few Christian Exodus migrants were white Yankees and boy are they in for a surprise....If your a black Yankee fundie and you move to Greenville...you're probably Allan Keys crazy anyway....I find this all so funny I know I am perverse.
I knew and worked with some Southern Nationalists when I lived in Virginia and always pointed out the fact..these Cavalier Southern Gentlemen lost the war they started to mainly "dirt farmers" and "colored troops". I am very proud of my dirt farmer and slightly "colored" ancestors who defeated Robert E. Lee (the Christian general) and the Southern Gentry. In the North the Civil War is something that happened over a 100 years ago...In the South it's still an on going war.....

Why should a fag in California write about the Christian Exodus in Greenville, S.C. ....( I almost think C.E. is a religious mixed metaphor) . Well, for one thing it's pretty humorous in a scary sort of way. An because THESE PEOPLE REALLY HATE FAGS. Queer people need to know the truth..if the Christian Exodus people come to some sort of power... we are dead meat..lamp shades and or cheap fertilizer...Is it likely these crazy Fundies will over come their fragmentation and succeed...maybe.....history is dotted with the mistakes of underestimating the strength and resolve of kooks.

Factoids:

Since I have been blogging my spelling skills have improved. I think my writing skills are better, too.

Hurray..I have a job interview ...tomorrow

My current art project is an Artist's book based upon Western Geomancy...I hope to put out a limited edition of 20 with some artist proofs..all hand printed/hand colored ......I have the initial work up and will progress to an actual template for the printing....I have also begun to work on a Queer Grimoire artist's book....

My HTML skill is still very primitive

 

[bagley]

This morning I went for a job interview in Santa Monica. I rode the Big Blue Bus which is the bus system for Santa Monica and has a bus stop just steps from my door in west Los Angeles. West Side L.A. is served by the Big Blue Bus ....Culver City Bus...and the Los Angeles Bus or MTA. Confusing ..yes of course.

I don't drive....I hate automobiles...I think automobiles have ruined Urban life in America. I link the rise in obesity in America can be linked to the personal automobile.

I boarded the Big Blue Bus #12 at 7:45am and proceeded down National ..the second stop down a beautiful young red headed guy boarded and sat about 4 feet away from in one of the seats that straddles the wheel wells. He was whippet thin except for his pecs which were tight across Notre Dame Tee shirt. He had just taken a shower..his head was still wet...he was in baggy cargo shorts...and flip flops...he had a UCLA book bag. Ah UCLA ....Soon the bus was filled with UCLA students, male and female....UCLA has a rep for pretty men....I agree...12 minutes later I am at my transfer point at Pico and West- wood. The #7 Big Blue is already there..and I board...this bus has a more Urban feel...the people are grittier....and the bus fills up with poorer people even as we go west to Santa Monica... Soon it is filled with young urban people.....Orientals, Hispanics and Western/South Asians..and there looms ugly Santa Monica College...Arnold's alma mater...a community college...so I realize the kids are poorer and don't have the "flair" of the UCLA kids...I get off at the same stop as the kids do and it's 8:20 AM.....my interview is at 10AM...so I walked around. During my walk about I saw to guys shooting up in the alley behind the building where I will have my interview and a few blocks away I saw 2 seperate guys smoking joints....Then I walked past this rehab center on Pico. I guess these were people falling off the wagon.... I walk down to Lincoln and back...I am in the Peoples commune of Santa Monica. Santa Monica is a liberal (mostly white) beach city. It's easy to be liberal when you have a little money....I tease the B/f and say..let's go visit the white people......I love the pier and the beach there.

At 9:45 I check in for my interview...we talk for 30 minutes..he hints I am over qualified....and I hint I am adaptable and willing....I think it went well.... I walk back to Lincoln...there is a Council of Jewish Women's Thrift there. The president of the Jewish Women's Council is an out lesbian......I bought two German Art catalogues...total $1.25..one was a 1916 exhibition of El Greco and the other was a 1970 Hamburg exhibition of Oskar Kokoschka.

I arrived back at the apartment at 12:15. From where I live and eastward is the heart land of L.A. it's filled with a huge variety of different peoples: Hispanics/Brazilians/Koreans/Persians/Jews/Anglos/ about 30,000 people from Belize and just south of us is the old African American Beverly Hills called...the Baldwin Hills....I love the mix of peoples and religions..it is so different from Virginia. I call it the People's Republic of Los Angeles because it seems so liberal after Virginia....and also to differentiate it from the County of Los Angeles.....which has some very wealthy and Ultra Conservative communities.....

 

[bagley]

Gary Trudeau of "Doonesbury fame" was on Charlie Rose talking about BUSH fils vs BUSH pere. The conversation was about Bush fils' lust to gain political power at any cost. He has done that...but other than the gaining of power and winning elections Bush fils isn't much of a leader. The fiasco in New Orleans shows the holes in the homeland security hype. We have thrown billions into homeland security and it seems our endeavor can't stop looting or deliver pallets of drinking water....In my opinion Bush wears a hollow crown. Bush and his neo-con cronies didn't cause the disaster in New Orleans but their indifference is showing.

I have been to New Orleans many l times. I worked in a New Orleans shipyard in the late 1980's as a SUPSHIP contractor generating and updating shipboard drawings and one time I was caught in a small hurricane. The shipyard closed down..the airport closed down and flooded roads prevented evacuation. Thousands and thousands of people came up from the low parishes (counties) and sought refuge behind the levees. Our hotel was without water or power for three days....I had liquor and cigs and partied with the Cajuns..let the good times roll....the shipyard was closed for a couple weeks ...no pay for me ..just per diem ... I also rode ships for SUPSHIP (I forget what that acronym stands for) down the Mississippi past New Orleans. From the bridges of these Ships you could look down over the levees and see the the neighborhoods below the river level . On the Mississippi side the levees seem massive.

There are a lot of poor people in New Orleans. In the 90's I was in New Orleans doing an installation job at the Old Post Office in the Faubourg Marigny. I got to actually walk around and see the city...I found non tourist New Orleans pretty scary. I have been to a lot of poor places in America and also have visited poor places outside of the USA. Parts of New Orleans seemed to me to be third world poor...Africa poor. Black people looked at me with a "what the hell are you doing in our neighborhood white boy" look. I noticed many times I was the only light skinned person walking around ....it wasn't a black power thing ..it was more the eye of distrust and grinding poverty. I saw the neighborhoods and knew these people had a meager life.

It is a sin to be poor in America where everything is rated by what is it worth..."What is your net worth" is a common question. People make lists of assets and debts and determine "what they're worth". Art is valued because of what it's worth.... it goes on and on... This mind set is a legacy from our Calvinist fore bearers which felt modest wealth was a sign of God's favor.
The people left behind in the evacuation were mainly the poor. I know it would have required foresight...but the school buses now taking people to Texas could have taken people to safety before the disaster.

 

[bagley]

I have watched all kinds of TV on the New Orleans Fiasco. I have read tons of blogs and dozens of on line newspapers. On of the best newspapers covering the Fiasco is "The Independent", I believe it is British. Here is a quote from an article on New Orleans.

"Experts on the Mississippi Delta pointed out that a plan to shore up the levees around New Orleans was abandoned last year for lack of government funding. They noted that flood-control spending for south-eastern Louisiana had been chopped every year that Mr Bush has been in office, that hurricane protection funds have also fallen, and that the local army corps of engineers has also had its budget cut. The emergency management chief for Jefferson parish told the Times-Picayune newspaper:"It appears that the money has been moved in the President's budget to handle homeland security and the war in Iraq, and I suppose that's the price we pay."

You could also add the flooding of the vital refineries and the raising of gasoline prices to the funding cuts for flood control brought on by the Iraq war.

Factoids:

1.) I go to my second interview this week...it is in Westwood....I have to wear a suit and tie.....a first in California for me. The other interviews were of a more casual nature....I have a knot in my stomach over this one....

2.) Some bio: When I was born I weighed 2 lbs 12 ozs. I was in the hospital for 2 months. My younger sister weighed in at 2 lbs 14 ozs. My little brother weighed in at whopping 4lbs. I only recently realized how being a premature baby has had a great impact on my life. Physically I have had a lot of minor trouble resulting from under developed lungs. I wonder how the 2 months in the hospital affected me emotionally.

3.) I have 4 maternal 1st cousins who are openly gay.

4.) My little brother is gay, but not quite out of the closet.

5.) All my significant sexual partners ( including the lone woman) were deeply involved in the occult or witchcraft. My first wizard b/f sexualized my whole body, especially my nipples and arm pits. His torso was covered with occult tats

6.) I have a large collection of signed 1st edition books by Gay authors. The last one I collected was Paul Monette's "Love Alone" Eighteen Elegies for Rog.

7.) What am I reading...Heaven's Coast by Mark Doty..so far a very moving and thought provoking "AIDS" memoir.

 

[bagley]

Yesterday I went to the strangest job interview. I dressed in normal business type clothes and had copies of all my needed paperwork and was a little early, just in case I got lost. I was able to take the Big Blue Bus up to the UCLA area...just near my old part time job. I was going to wear my suit..but changed my mind...good thing too. The interviewer was in jeans and a casual short sleeve shirt (he had a nice blue ink oriental tat on his fore arm and pretty eyes. The interview was a group interview with six applicants and the interviewer. We had to pair up with a partner and "tell" this partner about our life and then the partner would tell the group about your life. That went fine...Then we had some more teaming up and did a more specific exercise. Then we were given pencil and paper and told to draw our inner animal. Our last exercise was picking a random question out of an envelope and answer it in front of the group......my question was "Tell about a relationship you with a former boss" So I made up something.... The group interview took 1 1/2 hours....two of the applicants were brainiacs without language skills or humor...I felt sorry for them. I have no idea....how I did....or how I came across ?

I decided to walk home...3 1/2 miles just to clear my mind..I stumbled upon a Gomi pile of dozens of 8 tracks in the middle of the sidewalk...one of the 8 tracks was Ginsberg's "Archetypes"..one of my favs....I felt like Allen was telling me it was "okay" so I took it.

I have found the strangest stuff in the Gomi piles of L.A. Last month I found a pile of valuable occult and religious books...many o/p (out of print) I have found three very good paintings....The shirt I wore to my interview..was a trash find. Two good pairs of dress shoes..Rockports....I found a bag of silk ties with their price tags and cashiers receipt still in the bag...dated mid 90's from Nordstroms. dozens of tees and some really good blue jeans. Lots of stuff all neatly piled in bags at the curb...I have written before aboutfinding an erotic pleasuring device...and of course several times I have found $$$$...not much ..but some.


This morning we went up to a place in L.A. called Eagle Rock..and walked around...the b/f went to some craft shops and I went to some galleries. It was warm up there. We ate at the Coffee table..it was a mixed crowd of Gay + St8. Then a stop in Hollywood (Yucca St.) and then home....

Today, I bought 4 art exhibition catalogs, an erotic story collection in Spanish with about 10 hard dick illustrations..a book on visionary art and a Pilipino/American history. all very reasonable...

I continue to design my ideas for my Artist's Book with a theme around Western Geomancy. I colored it with pastels..just to see the effect...still up in the air...

 

[bagley]

Come out, come out where ever you are the evil old judge is dead.... I can't imagine why a sick elderly man would hang on to his robes of power until death took him. Rehnquist has left America and Americans a restrictive reactionary legacy. I can't see how any new appointment of W.'s could be worse.

A quote from the NYT

By MAUREEN DOWD
Published: September 3, 2005

W. drove his budget-cutting Chevy to the levee, and it wasn't dry. Bye, bye, American lives. [end quote] I don't thing actual racism delayed W.'s response to the fiasco now debacle in New Orleans. I think Bush is not in touch with hoi poli .


A New Topic


Gay vs homosexual...the debate rages, but not in my mind. I believe Gay people are a distinct tribe and or culture. I feel there is a distinct golden thread of je ne sais quoi which runs through history which demarks Gayness. In "Standard Received History" this gay thread is edited out or ignored, but the mark or shadow is still evident. I believe the nature of Gayness is an Emotional and Spiritual component which marks certain individuals with a different desire nature. Gayness is a language of desire. I don't deny the physical component to being Gay. However, I don't believe we will find "Gayness" only in the cold hard reality of Objective Science.

Movie log: Thank the gods for Netflix. We order mostly "Gay" themed" movies...last night we watched a very Dada Chinese made film, "Happy Together". Two Chinese gay men in Argentina...backed with Tango music...Chinese men speaking Spanish... Chinese men showing emotion. I love the slimness of the Chinese male. I give this movie a B+

 

[bagley]

Queers should just jettison the Bible. After the New Orleans fiasco there was a lot of chatter on in the Christian blog-o-sphere equating NOLA with Sodom. The "Southern Decadence" event was given as a reason why God chose to direct Katrina over the Big Easy in many of these "blogs" and Christian rags. And of course many in the Gay/Queer blog-o-sphere rail against this antiquated Biblicism. In America most Queer people have some sort of Christian baggage. This baggage is toxic. It is toxic to queer self esteem and it is time to jettison it.

Queer spiritual people need to embrace a mythology which will not only affirm and nourish a positive image, but spark a revolutionary [queer] vision. There are thousands of myths which can and do nourish the queer esteem. One of the myths I have been studying is the Hindu myth of Shiva and Agni. This is a key myth for some of my queer sex magick theories. It could be called "fellatio as a way of power" The fire God Agni swallows the Sperm of Shiva and carries it in his belly. The sperm of Shiva is so hot Agni vomits it into the Ganges and eventually this leads to the birth of the great demon killing god/hero, Skanda. In some of the variations of this myth Agni drinks the sperm directly from the lingam of Shiva and in others he gathers it from the ground. For me this myth shows the transformational power of non procreational queer sex. That the two deities involved are males has acted as a lightening bolt for me. Queer sex helped save the Universe.

This Shiva/Agni/Skanda myth is just the tip of the queer empowering mythologies. There are hundreds if not thousands of queer affirming myths. If you just can't jettison the Christian Mythos... deconstruct it with a queer eye. For me acting out these ancient myths connects me to primal sources of untapped power.

Here is a list of authors I recommend:

1. Joseph Campbell
2. Randy P. Conner
3. Andrew Harvey
4. Harry Hay
5. Aleister Crowley
6. Louis Leo Martello
7. Charles Leadbeater
8. Christopher Isherwood
9. Gerald Head
10. Alain Danielou
11. Mircea Eliade

Here is a list of homophobic authors (occult/new age)

1. Dion Fortune
2. Gareth Knight
3. Kenneth Grant
4. Alice Bailey
5. Robert Bly

Final Thought: The only time I use the Bible, now, is to use the Psalms. Some of the spells I have inherited use certain Psalms as part of their make up...and also the Pater Noster. I haven't altered them..well because they seem to work...

 

[bagley]

Barbara Bush at the AstroDome in her pearls speaking her bigoted slightly addled mind is a delicious slice of life. The Bush family and their ilk represent the apex of WASPISH decadence. WASP is an acronym for White Anglo-Saxon Protestants. The WASP elite has shaped American politics and culture for more than two centuries, but it's time to change the power ratio. In 2005 Protestant numbers fell below 50 % for the first time in America . Make no mistake this power elite is ruthless and power hungry, but like all creole or colonial cultures it has succumbed to decay. In it's heyday the Wasp culture was a driving force in American life. Commerce, industry and political innovation flourished in the WASP kingdom, and in the Wasp South cotton and slaves produced great wealth.

Before WWII most of the Presidents and Senators originated from this WASP elite and many were related in a thick web of cousinage. There were a few outsiders..Lincoln comes to mind as does Jackson...It is a common pattern in most societies for the Elite to marry other Elite...There was a clear mark between the upper and lower orders in America. I don't believe in the classless crap put out by the history books. If one listens to the Pre WWII speeches of FDR and other prominent men you hear the clipped pinched upper class accent. This accent disappears from media after 1960. I believe The Great Depression, WWII and the G.I. Bill were turning points in American life similar to the American Civil War.

One reason the Bush family seem so weird and out of touch to so many Americans is they are still living large in the shrinking WASP hegemony. In other words they are acting like their robber baron ancestors. I hope the next president elected in America is a non Protestant, non Anglo ( WASP) male or female whose family came here through Ellis Island or across the Rio Grande.
It's time for a real change

 

[bagley]

My beloved husband is turning forty this year. He is having a lot of trouble with the big four zero. He has a lot to be proud of in his life and he has accomplished a great deal However, he is having trouble sleeping and he is getting emotional. It's not about the departing of his " youthful looks"...until a few years ago he was carded when buying booze. But , he does look older.....but not old. I don't think he is sad because 40 is the end of the gay road. I think he's sad because 40 is the first time most people get a whiff of their own decay. We knew life was a fragile condition in other people, but now turning forty we see there is a chance our own life is fragile. Regardless of our condition in the world we all dance with el Muerte.

There is also the very real problem that "Gay Culture" is very much a culture of the Young and the Beautiful. I believe the development of a more developed outlook has been stymied in part by the AIDS holocaust which has carried away so many people. Consequently, for Gay men there are almost no positive sign posts on the way to "Old Age".

Turning 40 is when many people start to look inward. It is a time to really look at life patterns and analyze them. I am naturally introspective and the year I turned 40 passed me by with out much trouble. Fifty hit me like a long ton of bricks, but then I really can't help but be idiorythmic. During that birthday period I saw my life as a series of mistakes and miscalculations. I saw my dreams turn into nightmares. My Art was Shit.....my business turned to shit... even my relationship with "the B/F" seemed in decline.

I began to look for answers in the fabric of my biography and "sorta" found them in the words of Caroline Myss, "my biography is my biology". I looked at my "flat feet"..which causes chronic back pain....my premature birth.....my severe "reversal" problem with letters and numbers which wasn't diagnosed until my late 30's. And I began to forgive myself and my poor benighted parents. I saw that I came into this world with a flawed biology. I also knew my parents were ill prepared help me.

So for all Gay men who turn 40 this year, I congratulate you on your miraculous survival in a very hostile world...just give yourselves a big hand.

 

[bagley]

I was looking through Leigh W. Rutledge's book The Gay Fireside Companion Alyson Press. The book contains neat little entries on various gay trivia and personalities. One of the entries was about the amount of semen ejaculated per week in the world. In 1989 it was estimated that there was enough jizz produced to fill 15 Olympic sized swimming pools or over 5 million gallons. It makes my nipples hard just think about all that jizz.

As a queer magickal childe I have become sensitive to the very real energy of " male seed". I believe that the ancient shaman knew and used this energy, too. The rigorous disciplines of magickal practice allows the dedicated aspirant to feel the subtle vibrations of certain substances and entities. The more I hone my magickal skills the more I feel the magick of "Seed". It may sound strange but when "seed" is ejaculated into one of my orifices I am overwhelmed by the flood of male energy that washes through my body. I feel as if an atomic chain reaction has gone off in my body.

There is almost no talk in the Gay mainstream about the magickal or special properties of Sperm. However, many in the Bareback and Leather communities have deep feelings about getting and giving "seed". [ What consenting adults do with each other is their own business..same goes for getting "chemed up"... but, I personally don't want to participate in self destructive behavior] Some of these men have a similar feeling about "seed" that I do. Queer sex magick, I believe goes a step further in that it attempts to creatively harness this Male energy and use it for personal transformation.
When I visualize this male potency I picture it as a fiery Red Dragon whose tail lies deep in the center of Earth.

P.S.
This is part of an inner dialog I have been writing about in my blog for a while. For me the recognition that MY sexual energy could be a powerful spiritual force and a transformational force as well was a total liberation. And I also want to say sometimes sex is just sex.

 

[bagley]

I went to the MOCA in Downtown Los Angeles for the the HUGE Basquiat exhibition. It was huge. Over 70 paintings plus 50 works on paper. We went to the exhibit with a a group of Art Fags and as a bonus had a cute Latin man with a bubble butt as a guide. The exhibit quickly overwhelmed me....and I had to struggle to remain coherent. After 2 hours I was psychically exhausted. Basquiat's paintings hits me square in the Solar Plexus. It's not feel good art. It buzzes around you. It challenges you mentally and then hits you emotionally. My favorites were the large "Griot" paintings and his painting of "EXE" Here is a link to some photos of the Griots in the Brooklyn Museum. /http://www.brooklynmuseum.org/exhibitions/2005/basquiat/griots

The guide said the " EXE" painting was Basquiat's premonition of his fast approaching death...But I saw the painting a different way . I associate Exe/ELeguas with the trickster and also with Hermes. Basquiat shows Exe/Eleguia as a fox (Ber fox) or Wiley Coyote. EXE is also the Lord of the cross roads and the guide of souls...I was deeply touched by this painting.

I began to read a book this weekend...The way of the Mystic by Margaret Smith Oxford Press 1978 reprint of 1931. I found the chapter on early Christian Asceticism very strange. The mortification of the flesh started very early in Christianity, but seems to have it's roots in earlier pagan movements and in Neo-Platonism. A light bulb went off in my head..in religion just as in sexuality there are modes of expression along a continuum. Acsectic behavior among the early Christians gave rise to the cult of saints. In turn the lavish veneration of the saints produced great art and vast wealth.

 

[bagley]

I really don't know why Arnold is a Republican....maybe he thinks he's Ronny....or maybe all that money and property puts him in that camp....He used to be very Gay friendly....maybe it was his Conan role which fostered his political philosophy.


Here is an article from "Radar" (on line) which details the support Arnold obtained from rich Gay men on his rise to fame and fortune.

Veteran Arnold watchers say the California governor’s announced veto of his state’s historic same-sex marriage bill is an affront to the memory of his most enthusiastic early supporters: the gay sugar daddies of the international bodybuilding circuit.

“Arnold has had a long association with rich gay men,” according to Wendy Leigh, author of Schwarzenegger: An Unauthorized Biography. “When he moved to England [around the time of his first Mr. Universe title in 1967], John Dixey, a British businessman and well-known aficionado of muscle boys, was very, very kind to Arnold. You have to understand, before Arnold came on the scene, it was common currency that bodybuilders were less than macho—it was absolutely given and accepted that they supported themselves by catering to the tastes of wealthy gay men.”

Another of Schwarzenegger’s early benefactors, Leigh says, was Paco Arce Gomez, a Spanish millionaire and renowned gay playboy. In a 1992 Spy magazine profile of the Conan the Barbarian star, Arce was credited as the lensman behind a series of photos from the Austrian’s early days, showing him “eating breakfast off of very fancy china wearing a tank top and tight underwear.” (Schwarzenegger also posed nude for homoerotic photog Robert Mapplethorpe at least three times in the seventies and famously appeared naked in a 22-photo spread in now-defunct gay rag After Dark.)


Paul Barresi, an L.A.-based private investigator who claims P.I. Anthony Pellicano hired him before the 2002 election to “look into” any compromising relationships the then-prospective candidate still had in the demimonde, said he was “shocked that Arnold would turn his back on the very people who were obviously so helpful to him. In fact, Arnold even met his wife, Maria [Shriver], though his friendship with a gay member of Maria’s family.”

The governator has been careful to frame his veto as promoting the will of the people as evidenced by an outdated 2000 vote against same-sex nuptials (today public opinion is split down the middle), and has been mostly mum about his personal feelings on the issue. At least since his notorious 1977 interview with Oui magazine, in which he claimed to “have absolutely no hang-ups about the fag business.”

Apparently, it doesn’t pay like it used to.[unquote]

Now for something totally different RANT

As a youngster I gave BJ's to a lot of ST8 men in public toilets and in parked cars. As a disco boi I often found myself giving head to men with girl friends or wives near by. I just wanted "dick"...and lots of it.... I think it's stupid for Gay men to pine after ST8 men..like ST8 men are the real men and fags are just pretend females who will do in a pinch.

I only say this because last night I watched a foreign film where a woman was giving head to a man...nude scene, but no naughty bits...she's going to town on him and as he cums she's gulping. His comment afterward was "get me a beer bitch" and then "this place is filthy"...and smacks her around a bit....

Face it Gay boys, if a ST8 man wants to have sex with you he merely wants you as a convenient sperm depository. Afterward he wants you to get him a beer and maybe iron his shirts and or leave by the back door. If you get off on that role...then go for it. As for me I like a nice bisexual daddy or top gay man...I want it with some emotion.

 

[bagley]

Poetic Language from the Queer Underground. When I first discovered this underground current I didn't quite know what to make of it. It was raw and dangerous and very different from my comfortable assimilationist life. I was shocked. Young men talking about being "gifted" with HIV and also giving the "Gift" . Men who "Chemed up" and "Partied and Played"....This underground Queer language has the religious and poetic feel of nihilism. I can't look away, but I can't really understand.

muscled fist fuck and dick fuck and everything else fuck bottom. piss and cum on me and in me.. Looking for men who know what they want....top or bottom and go for it..I'LL FUCK YOUR BRAINS OUT BUT YOU'D BETTER BE INCREDIBLE !! If you're stretching my ass be prepared to DESTROY it completely. Elbow Deep, Double Wide.
I WANT MY HOLE STRETCHED AND PUNCHED. IF YOU CAN'T DESTROY IT, YOU CAN'T HAVE IT. AND IF I WANT YOURS....I'M TAKIN' IT !!

MAGIC ..."CUNT" "WHORE" "SLUT" "BITCH" "STUD"
"BREED" AND BEST IS "LAY YOUR HEAD ON MY CHEST BABY AND LET'S GO TO SLEEP" Fukkin rock hard! Love to get me elbows knockin together up inside your cunt! And you can fukkin plough the arse of me too n fill me full. will fuck u stupid - u look a real sexy cumbucket fukk yeah we gonna fuel up sumthin serious ... punch that boycunt hole of urs deep n wide lube it w/ my chempiss n toxic gizz n keep tearing u up fukkin bloody raw I'm a twisted, perverted, street-trash white junkfreak versatop slim well-defined 9 1/2 uncut cock shaved/buzzed head wild goatee into extended spike-driven fukked-up deviant sleazesex ... few limits if any gettin to point with like-minded junkfreaks Lookin for other perved up street trash chemfiends for extended rocket fueled deviant pigsex versatile top fukker here into no-limits bareback, toxic cumswap, fisting, punchfuckin, felching, spit, piss, mansmells, ripe armpits ... letsget to the point get blasted n take out our inner animalfiend for a 2-3 nite wallow in the trough ... luv to get it on film from the riggin to the piggin Hot ass! would love to use it, seed it, fuck it again in my cum as lube! want to seed you with my DNA ! Love to slip my fist deep in that hole through that protruding rosebudpozblond4play
Lets shag
VERY HOT! I wanna JUICE THAT SWEET ASS!

 

[bagley]

The first time I got fucked I had mixed feelings about it. I really liked the guy that took my virginity. He was very romantic. I even remember his name...JIM. We were stationed together at GREAT LAKES NAVAL STATION and we met a Servicemen's Center nearby. Jim was a blond with a muscular build, but slightly chunky. Being young we fucked quite a bit and in some strange places. I liked the physical contact , but really wanted the act to be over. I bottomed for a lot of men in the 70's. I liked the idea, but the actual sex act was always secondary to the physical contact. ( there of are course exceptions) Even on "poppers" and other "stuff" I just went along with flow. I was having a good time and if the guy wanted to fuck me that was good too. Things began to change with me when I began a long term relationship with my first real TOP "Gay" boyfriend. I've blogged about him before...This man sexualized my body. Nipples, forearms, small of the back, neck, ears..inner thigh...anus. He penetrated me and dominated me. The act of one man bottoming for another man is an act of submission. His overt sexual domination opened me up to an unknown world of primal sexual feelings and desires. I might add these desires for penetration and domination are not female desires nor do I desire to be a female. In my current very long and committed relationship my B/F and I continue to refine these on- going sexual themes.... I think the real benefit of a committed queer sexual relationship is the ability to uncover hidden sexual desires and then develop them.

Galleries:

I have added a "Sexy Male Face" gallery. I have added and deleted pictures in the other galleries. My current favs are "SpanishGymtop, The destroyer" in "Men who Make me Weak" and a series of three "SIR" pics in my personal gallery.

Factoid:

1.) My job search stinks and the interviews stink.

2.) A group of individuals who I do on-line genealogy with have just done some DNA tests on our African Slave ancestor line...the tests shows a degree of relatedness at 99%...I couldn't afford the expense..oh well..maybe next year.

 

[bagley]

Contemplating the ANUS is probably not everyones favorite pass time. The Anus is one of the most high nerved areas of your body. The Anus is the opening at one end of a very long and complicated passage way whose other end is the mouth with it's highly nerved lips. The Anus provides an opening for the elimination of waste products. Every time you shit a lot of mysterious material comes out of your body.....the indigestible parts of food you have eaten...toxins...dead cell material....bacteria...with out your ANUS your alimentary canal would fill up and you would die. Shitting is the end of a long and complex process. If you look at your shit..bits and pieces of You or the former you are being voided into an unknown place...just flush.

I believe we also hold onto a lot of emotion in our lower alimentary canal. I discovered this aspect of stored emotion when I had a colonic. Not only did I release a lot of fecal material, but also had a deep emotional release. I think a lot of gay men have a deep anger stored it in their bowels.

In the metaphysical world the area of the ANUS ( between the anus and the sex organs) is the seat of the Muladhara Chakra, the root chakra. The nose is this chakra's sense organ, but the ANUS is it's work organ. Ganesha, the elephant headed God is the ruler of this chakra. The Muladhara is also the seat of the coiled Kundalini..the vital Shakti force. ANAL Sex can help activate this energy....I believe this is one reason why there are so many queer mystics, shaman, mediums, diviners and wizards.

As a Queer man I also us my ANUS as a sexual organ. This desire is not procreational and it's not based on a desire to be female. But part of this sexual desire is a need to be dominated and to submit. If you as a male stick your ass up in the air for another male to fuck, you are in a very vulnerable and potentially dangerous position. If he cums in or on you he is marking you as "his"....same as with urination. Have you asked yourself..why am I doing this...? All I can tell you is I crave to be vulnerable and open ....offering bliss