bagley - Archived Blog Posts

[bagley]

My little muscle daddy chaz has lead a very careful life....degrees out the ass...steady jobs and a massive amount of savings...headed for his PH. D. and very careful about his romantic life. The how and why we are together is a question many of our friends can't fathom. He has had three long term gay relationships and almost no casual impromptu sex. We are on very good terms with his first BF, Ross. For the last several years we have gone to visit him in Chicago on the holidays. About 5 years ago Ross got dumped from a long term, but emotionally abusive relationsip. In a surprising and shocking move "we" ended up in his bed on Christmas Eve. No actual sex, but half naked kissing and rubbing. Ross was so lonely. I think Chaz and Ross broke up because they were both more "top men" than versatile. It's diffcult for pale egghead nerd tops. For example, all our friends assumes Chaz is the bottom in our relationship because I'm more muscular and work out. Chaz and I have tried to be versatile, but I'm a power bottom and he's addicted to my rump. So to make a long story shorter for the last couple years Ross, Chaz and I have had sex on the holiday visits. It is and was a total shock to me. Ross flew in three days ago and we've had one tag team event so far. As, I proudly wrote before I have developed the ability to deep throat in the last couple months and I was able to demonstate my new skill to Ross. I love being air tight. Both Chaz and Ross can number their sex partners using fingers and toes....me I need a calculator. Chaz and I agreed to be monogamous 12 years ago. Before that I very free with sex ( but pretty safe). Ross was very fascinated with our new toys and really liked pulling on my nipple clips but, looked shocked at the dildo He had a shocked look on his face, too when Chaz put on his cock ring and began his "porn talk". We all had a great time. I got slapped twice and my orgasm was huge. Today I am taking Ross up to WEHO. One more thing..Chaz, Ross and I have an understanding that the emotional bond is more important than the sex. I also know that if this was any of my "old BFs" This departure from the rules would not happen. It would aslo not happen if Ross was a "hotie"

 

[bagley]

My last entry was about Chaz's former BF coming to visit us during the holiday. He left New Years Eve and Chaz and I had a huge fight after he left on New Years day. It was over a dumb parking place in a parking garage. I was so evil..I made him cry with frustration....We made up and admitted to each other that it was because we missed Ross so much. Ross is not a sex god or a "hottie". His cock isn't big and he is pale pasty white with mouse brown hair. He has no fashion sense and pretty conservative. But being with Ross is like being home. He has an easy way with most people and likes both of us a lot. The bed feels a little empty. Ross was "shocked" I think, by the nipple clamps and the dildo but joined in the fun anyway. He didn't say, but I think I am the first person to drink his seed. I think he was shocked to hear Chaz's stream of kinky porn talk, too. On Sunday Chaz banged my ass and hit my prostate just right and folks I squealed like a little girl and came in buckets..he had no mercy and didn't stop till he came. I took me all day Sunday and until this morning to stop feeling that orgasm. So I had a good holiday and was Air tight 4 times. I hope Ross finds a job out here....or finds someone where he lives.

 

[bagley]

It rained in Los Angeles all week end..we just laid around the house. Sunday Morning and Chaz was as horny as he ever has been...we have been taking some herbals to increase sexual activity...and since Ross' visit Chaz has been really charged. He said he loved watching Ross cum on my face. Usually we only kiss, cuddle and do the old Princeton Rub on weekend mornings. But Sunday Chaz was in full horn dog mode. I'm not a real morning sex guy, but turning down sex is not my MO. And before I knew it I was gaging on his big 9 inch...and he was chewin my balls..it felt good..and hurt too. he then lubed up our new Xmas dildo and began to fuck me with it...and began chewing on my nips using his back teeth...god it hurt..but I liked it..and CHAZ dumped his load by rubbing his cock on my leg...I could feel his heartbeat going fast. I was ready to pop too ..but he just continued to grind my poor nips into bright red blobs and I lost my hardon...and he took out Jr. (the dildo's name)....I was about a few strokes from orgasm... and we stopped.

For the last couple of months we have tried to not jerk and to save our sexual energy for l sex..I can wait about 60% of the time...so I had DSB (Deadly Sperm build Up). After showering and eating breakfast...we just sat around and talked and watched some old movies. About 3pm he said let's take a nap..which is our little word for afternoon sex. He fucked me Hard and long....and was hard on my nips again...I had a triangle of pain and pleasure going on....the more he pulled my poor nips the more I wanted "fucked"...Jeez...He pulled out and brought me to orgasm with his hand...while he was grinding my big left nip. I came in buckets...looking at the poor nipples today they are still bright red and sore. I put some Burt's Comfrey ointment on the sore bitches and they became erect..what sluts they are....

After about three days "my not jerking" gives me blue balls...but now that Chaz and I have agreed to journalize our sexual lives we have include our solo times too. In the old pre Chaz days I would have sexual experiences about 4 or 5 times a week, plus jerk about three times a day. It's much less today..older I guess and also being in love makes me less needy. Part of our current sexual play is related to explore Sex Magick.

 

[bagley]

Chaz came back after a week long business trip last night and was on my ass. He chewed my nips hard. It hurt so good, but I had to go to an inner state of mind. Not the first time. We had my nipples pierced in Hawaii, on my birthday in 1996. And as soon as they were semi healed he was tugging on them and stretching them like rubber bands. One time he got carried away and tore a bit of tissue on the left nip. It was very painfull.....and consequently the nipple rings are gone..(I wear bars every once in a while just to keep the holes open) .but I had a huge non- physical orgasm. ??? Don't know how to talk about it. My nipples love Chaz. They rise to full erection when he walks into the room. He calls them "the the girls" "I"ve created monsters" he says. my balls have been his new target..he left blood blisters on em last night and on my dick there is a bite mark. jeez it hurts good. I let him go as far as I can stand...We have over the years carved a mutual and an explorative sexual niche in our relationship. We used to flip alot..but a couple years ago we fell into this groove of him as the Daddy top and me as the bitch bottom. However there is nothing passive about my role. My ass can suck the jiz out of Chaz in about 5 minutes and leave him dazed and confused. God my nips hurt.

 

[bagley]

Chaz was stoked and Sunday I sucked him off using only my lips and mouth..look Ma no hands... However He came in such a big load I got jizz all over my face... We have to take a break from anal sex for a while..daddy was to rough and I was still hurting from the pounding he gave me on Friday. He put his big 9 inch in at first..but it bruised and I felt raw. So I just used my new powers of deep throat. Never turn down sex..

 

[bagley]

When I was in the Navy in the 70's I was pretty much bisexual party boy. I was on this ship in a large Navy town and had a real good time. The main drag out of the base was full of st8 bars, but the street itself was a great gay pickup/cruise place...Civilans were crazy stupid for Navy guys and I was very active..... I also used to go drinking/dope smoking with this sailor named Catz..we were lived in the same berthing compartment and He was one hot motherfucker...had a nice big floppy dick, low hanging balls and his chest and stomach were covered with black curly hair. I would see him naked almost everyday. He was part of an informal group of guys called "The Brown Eye Samurai Warriors" and he was always looking for "some female tail". I wanted to be one of his conquests, but was afraid. It was dangerous. One night we were really high/drunk and he was talking about how a couple times he had fucked a guy in the "pooper" and that it was "nice"....one thing led to another and a short time later Catz was fucking me doggy style. Our sex thing spanned about 3 months and in a lot of freaky locations. When he was fucking me he spouted a lot of macho sex talk. he would call me his bitch and cunt..."tighten up your sloppy pussy, bitch" ...This talk made me shiver inside and turned me on sexually in fierce way. ...being the 70's we'd have threesomes, sometimes with other guys and sometimes with women. Drugs, poppers and alcohol fueled a lot of our "parties". On the ship it was too dangerous to even talk about it. Our little trysts ended when the ship pulled out for our 6 months in the Med...we had sex a couple more times but, it was over. I learned I really liked to be fucked from Catz and could really have some powerful orgasms. I never felt inferior to the top man..I just wanted him to make me cum.

 

[bagley]

In Edmund White's, "Farewell Symphony" which is an autobiographical novel about gay love and loss in the last quarter of the last century, White has a forced enema experience. His "lover" ( I always thing of Beverly Leslie) Fox, forces three bags of water into him while White is drunk/high. Fox massages Whites stomach and forces the water deeper into his system. Releasing the water causes White to weep; releasing shit and emotional pain at the same time. White recounts he felt possessive of the shit that streamed out of him and that it was a primal part of his makeup. We store a lot of emotional toxins in our bowels. Our bodies are vast minefields of stored emotions mainly hidden from the ego self.

Sex is an emotional and physical experience. For many men it is the only time they are in touch with their emotions. The anus is the lower gateway to unleash emotion as well as shit. The anus is filled with nerve endings which when lovingly stimulated produces a sexual feeling.

Being topped is first and foremost an emotional issue. It exposes your emotional self . I realize in my inner self you want to be fucked. I realized this as a teenager. I wanted a man inside me. I had 2 homosexual encounters in high school. One was with a fellow drama student..his name was Weaver and he looked like a butch Wally Cleaver. It was "just" frotage and hand jobs in his unheated VW. Weave would rub his cock on my bare stomach and shoot his load....cleaning it up with the sandpaper brown paper towels he had taken from school. He liked to watch me jack. We never talked about our encounters.

The 2nd encounter was from a restroom encounter in the downtown department store I worked at on the weekends of my senior year in HS. I met this guy and we made a date. He was a college guy and had an apartment. I gave him a BJ. He came quick without warning and his cum was salty/bitter. I felt a peaceful bliss. Several weeks later he tried to deflower me. He got his cock head in about an inch...and I couldn't do it... it really hurt...much latter I realized he hadn't used any lubrication. This botched attempt stopped me from getting fucked until I was 23 years old.

When I was 23 I gave up my virgin ass to a Polish Muscle stud, named Mike. This man taught me how to relax and take his big cock and to release my sexual and emotional tension. He was the first man who really made love to me. We would shower together and He would massage my prostate with his two fingers he would hit all my spots and I would cum in buckets. Our little affair lasted a couple months ..my last post was about being Catz's little bitch boi..that pronoun changing verbage opened a new emotional dimension inside me. Living in the drug crazed disco 70's I rode a lot of dick w/ women on the side. I would meet a lot of hetero couples at the gay discos and nothing turned me on more than getting fucked by a married man while eatting the wife's pussy. I also did a lot of drugs..I loved poppers....black beauties..and weed springled with pcp or acid.

In 1979 I stopped being Gay...I stopped doing drugs and settled down in a relationship with a fat ugly woman...which was monogamous for a short while.....Yes it was a religious thing...Jesus may have saved me..but he didn't change my inner sex needs. Everywhere I looked sexy men would set me on fire..some for days. A muscle dude in lycra in line at the 7-11 ..would feed my lust for days.... So I began to cruise the parks..like all the other married men...more than ever.

 

[bagley]

I swear most ST8 guys just don't turn me on..I need at least an element of Bi-Sexuality. I want some desire for me ..sexually from any sex of my partners. After I got out of the military I worked for a Southern California defense contractor for a number of years. The company had good benefits and had a nice gym and recreation center which was never crowded..So I would go and work out after work...it was a little bit cruisy..but you still had to be pretty careful. I don't think it was as dangerous as being gay in the military. I met two [gay] friends in this company gym and we would go to the clubs too. Ron was in love with this lean muscle macho st8 guy named Roger, who I admit was good looking. He had blond body hair and a vile temper. He was famous in our division for blowing up. Roger's pick up truck had extreme right wing bumper stickers.... Ron never lost hope. I played racket ball with a so called ST8 guy I met in the gym named Andy. We became good friends despite the fact that I secretly lusted after him. He was a Catholic, and his wife was popping out a kid every two years...he wasn't pretty..his body was nice , but not a sex god's body. He didn't have a big one...but he just drove me wild with his energy. After a few months I felt confident enough about our friendship to came out to Andy. I swear it wasn't a seduction ploy . Andy over several months told me he was really bi-curious and always wondered what it would be like. To make the story short we had oral sex few times and I jacked him a quite a few times and he fucked me once ( a mistake). I made sure he made all the sexual advances. Actually the sex wasn't that hot, but it was warm and sweet...Andy moved down to Oceanside and I call him every once and awhile..and send holiday cards. He's a lapsed catholic now. He lives with a woman not his wife and he confesses He still likes boys on the side.

 

[bagley]

My nipples have always been sensitive and easily aroused. I started pulling on them when I jerked off when I was 12 years old. I used my tie clips to pinch and clamp my nips. My unaroused nipples are red but, when erect they turn into into hard knots and loose some of there color. Pulling on them has always been as sure fire way to get me on my back with my legs up in the air. No one coached me on this response...and most of my sex partners have given them some good work outs. When I was 40 I gave my self a special birthday present..I got my nipples pierced...My sex feeling in my nips rose to a new high. Chaz loved to pull on my piercings and would go wild on my ass. I had to take them out, however, when Chaz almost ripped the ring out of my left nipple. Now he uses clamps or he chews them into submissive sore lumps of sex flesh. This tit torture (mildly rough) paves the way for intense feelings as Chaz fucks me. I only say this because there must be some component in my biology or psyche which trigger this intense sex feeling.

 

[bagley]

I've been reading the "Secret Simon" blog about a married guy who comes out to his wife. Before I hooked up with Chaz over 12 years ago I was always on the look out for a married guy. In fact one of my mantras was "Married Bi guys do it better". most of the married homos I knew were very horny for man to man action. I "gay dated" several at a time.. mostly day time...as they couldn't play at night. A gay date with a married guy means a fast food meal and sex. At the same time I started seeing Chaz...I was seeing this guy named , Doctor Bob. Bob was covered with red body hair and his skin was a pale bluish color. He was a slim muscle runner type guy. His head hair was curly and during sex he has the look of a satyr. His uncut cock was a big misshapen club with the head an angry red knot. He fucked me hard with that ugly dick. My knees over his back allowed me to watch his face as he pounded the fuck out of me. His face would become very animal and my head would be pounding the wall in time to his thrusts. It was brutal no foreplay animal sex. It would last for about 5 minutes and he would cum with a long silent scream. I'd have to jack myself to orgasm. In the three months we dated he told me everything about his life and how he could never leave his loveless marriage ( he was religious). I loved it because he was so horny for man to man sex.....Eventually he became or tried to become controlling....I don't mind being the bitch in bed or the back seat or the bushes...but out of bed I am my own man. My final words to Bob, " Just go back to Eunice, Bob, I'm tired of your shit" He was persistent for a few weeks and he shadowed me for a while..but I just held firm and he left. The married guys at the cruise parks were all so willing and I always made them buy me a coffee .

 

[bagley]

I've been having a strange March. At the beginning of March I watched this cute blond guy move out of his apartment. He looked like a cute blond water polo guy....I had seen him more than once...big deal..the West end of LA is full of cute UCLA boys. He had this fattish girl friend who love exposing her rolly polly mid rift...and those tight worn-look low rider jeans . Her lower body looked like an over stuffed sausage. Anyway..they moved and left a huge mess on the street. I only knew it was "blondie's mess because it's across from my bus stop on the way to beautiful Westwood village and my wonderful weekend job. I got to watch the move out for about 10 minutes. In the evening I walked pass the mess go to the grocery store..(Trader Joes) ...and the sidewalk is just littered with this blond boy stuff. Personal stuff..pictures and letters, bills...and bags of dirty clothes....underwear..jocks and teeshirts...the fucker had a 26-28 inch waist...I took some of the photos and some underwear and two jockstraps...and a mouthgaurd. It was dark. I ran home and threw them over on my fenced patio. I then went to "Trader Joes" as per my original plan. When I returned home...I waited till the BF went to bed and retrieved my objects and hid them in my art supply cabinet. I waited till Chaz left for work on Monday...and retrieved my boy loot. I put on one of his tee shirts and squeezed into one of his briefs...and smelled his jock and jacked twice. His faint oder was on the jock...his clothes smelled faintly of unwashed college boy room. I had never done anything like this before. I threw everything except one tee shirt and the photos away. I love the pic of "him" and his iguana. The "Emerica" tee is now my main cum rag...and will shortly go into the trash....except the logo and I'll cut that out for a collage.

At the same time I began to cruise the hilly park and nature area two miles from my house. I met this older muscle daddy kind of guy with big beautiful arms and grey cropped hair. He also carries a lot of ink. I had my sketch book and was trying to draw the view...He came over and we started to talk..he showed me the tats on his arms and explained each one...to make a long story short and to the point..we jumped the almost broken down park fence and went up the hill by some oil storage tanks ( the hills are full of oil wells) and I gave him some deep throat action and then got him off with my hand. He has a thick cock. I have been over to his apartment 4 times now....I have let him slide his big fat cock between my ass cheeks and between my thighs... I have let him finger me and he likes to cum on my face. I feel very sexually empowered with "Rxxx". Rxxx is bisexual and a total top man. He said yesterday he really wants to me and I want him to me in a bad way. His cock is so thick... Here is the rub...I love my BF...we have been together 13 years..our sex is really good...we have a life together. I know I am splitting hairs. but as long as I am not "taking seed" from Rxxx...into my body..it's not sex..it's just sex play...And by the way Rxxx's married to a woman.... I still want his big ole dick...

 

[bagley]

I have had a strange March, as I wrote before...Chaz has been gone most of month and will return after Easter. He has called a lot and e mails me daily...He's nervous..it is the final hurdle on a multi year quest for his Ph.d. He combined this trip with a visit to his family back east and a seminar for his work...The place he works closes for Easter time..so he scheduled everything during this time....except of course any communication with me...for example telling me about his trip..a few days after he bought his airline tickets....I gave him my calm exterior face..but inside I was really hurt....so here I am. I don't blame Chaz for my recent crazy behavior...I have felt the dark obsessive sex craziness creep up on me ever since I have moved here....I started cruising again and have started "messing" with this older muscle bi-sex daddy type ..who I'll call Rxxx..he has a Latino last name...he has these moderately big arms and has some nice ink on his arms...He also has some nice ink on his back and stomach. Rxxx also has a thick cock....I am just able to deep throat him..but only for a few minutes...I have been to his apartment 4 times and he has mainly got off rubbing his cock between my ass cheeks and then shooting on my face...twice he has fingered my ass. For three weeks I have wanted to sit on his thick cock. I have lost sleep obsessing about his arms and cock...Jeez...
On Friday I decided to break with Rxxx...After work I called him and he agreed to meet me at the "Coffee Bean" on Venice and Motor... after I got off work. So we met and talked about how obsessed I have become with him and his thick cock. We went back to his place and smoked a joint and started to watch some porn...."the old lady's in Vegas". We were on his couch and out came the object of my desire and some astro-glide lube. I squatted over him and slowly slid down on his cock head. I felt like I was slowly taking a cucumber up my ass. I don't think I have ever felt so "Fucked". I was sweating and my whole body shook...I could see his calm face..and he was saying "that's it...almost there...feels good." He did a few full in and out strokes . ..and pulled it out...and I him the rest of the way...We cleaned up smoked the rest of the joint and I went home...and . Rxxx doesn't do "dick"....I slept like a baby.

 

[bagley]

Rxxx called me last night..it was a first. I've had to call him for all of our hook ups. He says he wants me to be one of his "boys"...."come on over about 11:30pm and we can talk about it...everything in my mind says "don't go" break it off....but my cock, ass and nipples have their bags packed and are ready to go. The phone call left me wet. I know some deep need is being met on a level I haven't felt before...so I went. He buzzed me in and there he was...just seeing his biceps makes me weak...Rxxx takes me back to his spare room which is set up with his exercise equipment and computer and a small couch. I sit and He sits on the arm of the couch , next to me. I don't want to repeat all the conversation but he wants me to go "into training" to please him sexually. No whips or chains or blood...just some mild spanking if I fail my lesson. My mind says, "run" but my whole body was shaking and precum was oozing out of my hard dick. Rxxx shows me his paddle and rubs it on my thigh....I could have ejaculated. My mind was screaming "outrage". My body wants to be Rxxx's boy!!!!! He pulled out his thick cock and starts jacking..and I reach over and start to touching it and he brushes away my hand .." learn some manners boy" ..."Always ask"..say "Dad I want to touch your hard cock"..That's the first rule ..next time I'll have to use the paddle. Our session ended with me on my knees with some of his cum drying on my face and hair. I never got to touch him. He didn't touch me, either. It was 1pm. Went home and twice. This morning my body is still buzzing.....If you saw Rxxx in the mall or walking on the street you wouldn't think he was gay clone handsome. His face is acne pitted and has a weathered look...he's 5' 8' and about 195 lbs...his body has a boxy muscle look. His thick arms are his best feature. I also fell in love with his neck.. What he has is animal magnetism..at least for me....Every time I've been with him , afterward I have felt like a little piece of wet fucked pussy....

 

[bagley]

Rxxx called me on Monday night and I went over..the bloom is off the rose, I'm afraid. I find the idea of submission sexually exciting and the actual act of "role playing" submission less sexy. I told him I didn't really need a dad..but I wanted a sort of slap and tickle, darker, fuck buddy kind of friendship. We watched a bareback video with some tattooed hung stud named O'toole..??? cram his thick cock up some smooth muscle guys ass...have to get the name of it...Rxxx offered me his cock to jerk and of course I did...but I could tell he wasn't all that into it....After the video I got up and he said..."see yah" He didn't call...Tuesday or last night....

I want something darker than what Chaz[my b/f] has offered me...yet I really love Chaz....I guess I am role playing with Chaz..the role of vanilla sex addict. In my life about three or four sexual encounters have busted through into a deep inner bliss. When I sat on Rxxx's thick meat two weeks ago and his big inked arms were pushing me down slow and steady, I felt a beginning of that bliss. Maybe Rxxx will call me ...

 

[bagley]

This is my second post today. I went out dumpster diving with my crack head artist buddy Charlie..he has over 300 of his paintings in some pretty high end collections...he's been living in some ones back yard in a tent...I bought some frames for my paintings and that's how we met...I found a bag of clothes next to an apartment dumpster ..my size..in this haul also ....I found The new Vanity Faire Mag with an A&F full size poster...I found a bunch of "Inches" and "Black Inches" Gay Porn Mags ...mid nineties...I took the ones which looked un spotted...a package of un-opened Trojans...and a 9 inch hard plastic dildo w/6 " circumference . Charlie asked me what Iwas going to do with it...I told him "stick it up my ass and fuck my self"...he laughed..he told me when he was younger he'd given BJ's for cash or booze...I've known some real homophobes in the art world....but most artists allow people to be themselves. Usually when we go dumpster diving I'm looking for material to collage with..like abandoned photos. Charlie is looking for things to sell...he also likes to find half full or full cigarette packs...He d.d. everyday..I do it on the day before trash day. I took that dildo home...and it is now soaking in a nice bath of clorox water...The clothes are in the washer.

After the Dumpster.Diving I showered and went down and hit some of the used book stores....This good looking teacher type of a man started to talk and flirt with me ..he was buying some of the nautical books and asked me if I knew where any more bookstores were located..So I told him the ones I knew...I talked to him some more in the parking lot and he invited to me to his house for a coffee. And not to bore anyone reading this blog... but I sucked some nice moderate, "married guy" cock. The coffee was good too. He even drove me back to Venice and Motor...

I looked at my Astro chart and Neptune is now conjunct my Mid heaven..for a year...and can be said to increase illusion and give a desire for a father figure...and Chiron is something my natal Mars...making my sexual self very energetic in a wounded healer sort of way...it to will go on for a year.

Factoid: I now have 3 dildos and 2 sets of nipple clamps. I was wondering if I should get some of those snake bite kits to enlarge my nipples...

 

[bagley]

I took a nice hot bath on Thursday night. I put some expensive "Dead Sea Mud" bath salt... in the hot water and soaked. I always brush my skin before I bathe, with a nice natural bristle brush...it is really relaxing and helps remove toxins and dry skin...I rinsed and then dried off. I felt very relaxed and had the urge to try my new " found" dildo out. I got it in halfway..at the thickest part which I had measured at just about 5 3/4 inches around....using a hand mirror I looked at the dildo as it puckered my ass hole...and I started to fuck myself...There was a lot of pressure on the old prostate and it felt good....I just wish the dildo had a nice muscle daddy attached to it...I liked the way my spread cheeks and puckered hole looked. I'd fuck me.....I felt relaxed and didn't continue and just watched some TV went to sleep....

I finished working on Friday early and came home. The guy I met at the used book store called ..... he wants to go for coffee..again.....and surprise of surprise, my fagot little brother is in Los Angeles and wants to meet up on Saturday....his Chinese-American boyfriend is with him...and Chaz called too...he passed his last grueling hurdle for his advanced degree...unofficially...and will get a conformation a little later...he'll be back next week...

Called my bro at his hotel...and we talked about an hour...he lives near Seattle, Wa. I haven't seen him in about 5 years...but we e-mail all the time...My brother has been openly gay since he was 16. My mother caught him bent over with his pants around his ankles getting fucked by his "adult" 18 year old boyfriend in his bedroom. My mother thought they were just smoking dope, but surprise, surprise , surprise....... I was 800 miles away in my last year at college and she blamed me for being a bad influence...My brother was always in trouble with the "law"...when he was 13 he was a pyro and burned down some warehouses....he was throwing rocks at cars and hit an unmarked police car....he skipped so much high school..he was under court supervision until he was 18 and after failing got a GED. The real truth is my bro was getting beat-up and a lot of his delinquency was pain avoidance. He is somewhat stable,now..He is in a medical profession working with the criminally insane...My mother had 6 children...the three older kids are half siblings and war babies......and are pretty remote...My older full sister and myself are the final attempts of my parents to reconcile and little bro is post parental divorce..he looks like "Dad" however. When I was 14 I went and lived with my maternal grandmother...I've often told Chaz my family is just like the Addams family, only without the money, "Addams family trailer trash". My Gran was great to me...and I could tell her everything.

I took little Bro and Tom to WEHO and it was fun..little bro has gained about 30 lbs since I've seen him last and looked a little fleshy. He is 2 inches taller than me and maybe 210 lbs...Tom is mildly cute..slim and kind of buttoned down middle aged Asian guy with some bad acne scars...I can tell they are a couple, but they don't say that...anyway... I met them on Easter and we went to Griffith park..with a packed lunch and climbed up to the top of Mt Hollywood ( not the sign). The Hollywood sign is on Mt Leigh (?) the next mountain over..it was cool and cloudy... they went back to Seattle this morning...Where ever my little bro goes there is sure to be a party....I even forgot to be sad...Bro actually wanted to me Chaz..they have talked on the phone...but...

 

[bagley]

My brother is walking, breathing chaos. he makes a total mess of everything, but in a good way. He stirs up memories I kind of don't want to remember. We were raised in the very hard and benighted landscape of poverty and mental illness. Both my parents were subject to deep black depressions. My father took his life in the early sixties. My mother was in and out of the mental hospitals until she sort of stabilized in the 70's. When I was 14 or 15 (? ) I got into some (read gay) trouble (sucking dick in ye old park) and my mother really came down on me hard..and so my Gran took me in...and she also watched my little brother when my mother was at work...my Gran was a Spiritualist medium and we had some pretty convincing seances. ( my sister and mother had some of the same ability)

My Grandmother's family had lived in Connecticut since it was founded. She was part white and part black and part Indian, (they were held as slaves)...there is a name for them(us), but I can't recall it att. Recently, an educated cousin of mine wrote a paper and entitled it something like "eight generations of marginality" a study of the "blank family" in rural New England. Until my grandmother's generation no one in her family had had the ability to "own land" and always lived on the town/county boundaries...for easy escape...threshold existence is also a gay marker. When my Grandmother died, she left me all her photos, family bibles and papers. I actually had to go back and rescue them from the trash pile. I have been able to digitize some of papers and I have put some of them with the Connecticut state archives.

I'm not crying about anything in the past...but, it does influence the present. My brother and I have always been gay. And being gay is no big deal. I still have a feeling of inferiority when I am around middle class st8 white American males . They makes me queasy..especially the jocks and police types. We were both targets when we were kids. So for me living in Los Angeles City is great..here everyone is some shade of difference...

Before my mother died, she and my older siblings found Jesus... my brother and I were labeled unrepentant sodomites and cast into outer darkness...

I am always glad to see my lil Bro, but he stirs up a lot of bitter memories.

 

[bagley]

After my brother and Tom left to go back to Seattle, I was kind of blue. My brother brings so many "fucked up" memories back I am kind of glad he only stayed 2 days... They had actually made the circuit to Disney Land, San Diego Zoo, and down to the Baja. I wouldn't have minded going to Mexico, but I was working and they didn't invite me....My bro just wanted to surprise me..and he did...Now they are going to stop in Reno and then up to Seattle...last year they went to Hawaii.

Lil Bro just reminds me so much of my fucked teenage years...and the chaos and mental illness.

Bookstore dude called me again on Monday and I actually answered, "So" I agreed to meet him at the Coffee Bean at Venice....he is really a nice person...he is tall and fit and my age +/-..(?) don't ask don't tell...he is very tanned, it's the nautical tan... and has thick ringlets of steel gray hair...I wish my hair was thick. He wears it short, but the tight curls are untrammeled. I thought he was married, he's a bi-sex divorcee, but his current love interest is a live in girlfriend. He rarely acts on his "gay" impulse and I believe him. In our semi-sexual interlude he was clumsy. He works as some sort of administrator for a medical company...After his coffee and my tea we rode down to a marina and he showed me his sailboat. Nice, but not fancy...He kept hinting he wanted me to give him some head...and I just didn't feel like it....He dropped me off at the "Bean" and that is that....In my past I would sucked him dry...but as i said ...I feel kind of blue....

 

[bagley]

I thought that I was pretty stable and then March 05 was like a freak wind blowing down the house...Here I am calm and serene...with a cute- thin/muscle- aggressive top- w/nice big dick , loving husband...12 years of virtual monogamy (except for the neat and clean 3 ways with Ross)...Now I feel totally strange. I have dropped 10 lbs since living in L.A...and older Asian + Latino men have been flirting w/ me....and It's like I said..my lil Brother brings chaos...before and after...it was like he stirred this chaos up from a distance...he is after all...gifted in magick...he went to the Monroe Institute and learned some OBE techniques...I'll have to think more on that...

I love my brother a lot....he just provokes memories I just don't want...When I was 12 I made a friend named Joe, he was 13....he was fey and artistic...he was an orphan and he lived with his maternal grandmother...they were descendants of some famous New England poet. They lived in genteel poverty. Joe was probably the first gay person I ever met...he lived upstairs in a brick apartment over a retail shop. He had his own room. He loved classical music...and the weirdest thing about him was his obsession with the 6 wives of Henry the 8th.... he dressed dolls in Tudor costumes he made and housed them in a large cardboard Tudor palace he had painted....all on his dining room table....he had coaches and all kinds of stuff..His Gran and he ate their suppers on TV trays because the Palace took up the whole table....Joe was also MAN crazy...he taught me the ins and outs of gay sex.... mutual JO and cock sucking..he also introduced me to normal hygiene and grooming ..I still write or talk to Joe several times a year.... He also told me about the places you could go to have sex with men....and confessed his BJ exploits in the public bathrooms. I was really excited by the thrill of his cock sucking stories, but I was to timid to act on my excitement. The Summer I turned 14 was the Summer of Love for me....I sucked all kinds of cock in ye old Tearooms (aka public bathrooms)..mainly to married men..it just didn't matter..age , physical appearance....or race....sometimes with Joe and sometimes alone.... and I got busted. I was in a park about 11pm, sitting on a picnic table waiting ....smoking a cigarette and had a partial six pack ..from a generous patron... the cops nabbed me....I was lucky that I wasn't caught in a "lewd" act, I guess....but they knew...I knew they knew...and it was awful...If I was shunned before, I was really an outcast, now. It put my Mom into one of her rages. She screamed all kinds of obscenities at me and I think it was the first time anyone called Me "Fagot" , "You little Fagot". The next day I went and lived with my Grandma. Her house was over the line and in another school district. I never went back to those parks...and didn't have gay sex for several years. See what awful memories my brother stirs up...

 

[bagley]

My brother's visit has opened some darker hidden emotions and memories....I have actually had therapy...which with my family history of mental illness and suicide was helpful. He just stirs up so many darker aspects, aspects which I thought were resolved. It's proof to me of the vast emotional complexity of human nature and that there is no quick fix....

After my ordeal in the park and with my Mom..I settled in with my Gran for my 4 years of high school...those were apocalyptic years for me and for the USA. Vietnam, riots and assassinations and my own situation caused me to fall prey to the "Jesus Movement". In my senior year I got "saved"...I renounced my Spiritualism and witchcraft, and my gayness....My Grandma, got saved, too. I graduated from HS and was accepted at a "Christian" liberal arts college...a partial scholarship, work study and student loans..kept me afloat...The best part was it was 1,000 miles from home and I could re-invent myself....and get away from the chaos. The whole environment of this place was wholesome and clean. I missed my Gran..but loved the modern facilities. My Grandma's house had smelled like old rotten wood and cat piss mixed with a sweetish old lady smell. Sometimes when I go antique hunting, I smell that same smell...

My super Fundie phase..lasted 2 years...Jesus never cured me of my Homosexual urges...I had at least two exorcisms..w/ fasting and glossolalia. I met 2 other guys....with the same homo demons and we formed a support group...Hear is the rub..If you confessed to the "big boys"...your ass would get "kicked out"...you couldn't talk about it. I even had a girlfriend...no sex...perfect. The last 2 years as an undergrad....I became a luke warm believer... I had occasional sex with my fellow support group friends...mainly frot...and graduated w/honors and no job prospects...and deep in debt. All I knew was I didn't want to go back to New England, I still don't.

I got a job in my chosen field and it paid just enough to live and pay on my student loans....but, I got laid off in the Carter downturn and had to go back to my Grandma's house....and very quickly enlisted in the Navy...I had a B.A. and my degree didn't qualify me for OCC...so I signed for 6 years and learned Advanced Electronics. Hello World.