Be Myself

[Tizinsane]

My closest friends and family know me as a kid who is extremely funny, kinda crazy, nutty, clever, laid back, loud, witty, fun and very caring. And they're 100% right! I am all those things! But when meeting new people or trying to have a conversation with someone I don't know I come across as very shy, awkward, withdrawn, and quiet. That is such a HUGE problem for me because I realize that first impressions mean so much! I can't tell u how much that perception absolutely fuckin KILLS ME! I know im the exact opposite of that and im confident that if I can just be myself around 'new' people i'd have alot more friends than I have now. But for some reason it's so damn hard for me! There are times when I struggle to even talk to people that I don't know. I'll open my mouth to speak....and nothing will come out! I don't know how im gonna go on date or ever have a lasting relationship if I don't get over this.

This summer is going to be be very busy and social for me and i'll have alot of chances to meet new friends and potential boyfriends..(or gfs). i'd love some tips on how to pull my head out my ass and be the REAL me when meeting new people (the funny, witty, interesting kid) instead of the quiet, shy person I portray.

Anyone have the same problem? How did u get over it? It's a pain in the ass to say the least!

 

[Eagle653]

I'm a bit like you, but not to that extreme. I'm not totally frozen when meeting new people, nor the super-outgoing one around people I know. Although, there is a definite style of behavior, depending on who I'm around.

Knowing the difference exists, and not liking it, is a big part of taking steps to change it. First thing is to know why you're so shy and quiet around people whom you don't know well. Afraid of judgment? Them not liking the loud, outgoing you? Afraid of being misinterpreted--unlike the people who know you well? When you're around people you don't know who act like you when you're around people you do know...what's your impression on them at first glance? Attracted to them, or pulled away from them?

It's hard to "be yourself" when you don't know how. There is a middle ground, though. You don't have to treat strangers the way you would a crowd of your best friends. You can be in-between...friendly, but with enough shy reserve to be a bit mysterious, yet charming; serious, yet friendly.

The best way to get good at it is to practice. At first, watch others in a crowd of strangers. Who acts the way you'd like to act? Copy them. Study them. See how they act and react, and how others react to them.

Secondly, practice different styles. The bigger the chance the group will remain strangers (given the event), the more license you have to experiment with different behaviors.

Third, if you're able, and have a willing friend, ask them to role-play with you. I'm a terrible role-player myself, and that's not for everyone. But, for those who do it, it's great experience and practice.

You're not alone in this. Good luck!

 

[Tizinsane]

Thanks!

I have tickets to several concerts this summer so i'll have a plethora of opportunies to try out your good advice.

But man...It's just soooo fuckin frustrating to know u have so much to offer people and not being able to get that across.

 

[Tizinsane]

I've neverconsiderd myself an introvert (although I think some people would try to define me as one). I still go places everyday, even if it is alone. Movies, beach, restauraunts, stores, events etc. It's not like im holed up in my house all the time. I'm pretty confident about my looks, I try to look nice in public and smile. Even at the concerts, I scream, I headbang, and go nuts in the mosh pits. But like I said, when it comes to face to face conversation I totally shut down. I just can't bring myself to open up to new people.

I'm glad to hear im not alone.

 

[rareboy]

Learn everything about everything so that you'll lose the fear of having nothing interesting to say.

Be a good listener and ask people about themselves or their interests. As you become more comfortable with them, you'll open up.

Consider some assertiveness training or a workshop on social introductions.

 

[tallguy297]

I'm glad to hear im not alone.

Hey Tizinsane,

I promise you mate that the last thing you are is alone - theres a whole lot of people like this, in fact I'd almost most people are like this - certainly I am.

Instead of looking at it as a negative, take it as a self defense mechanism - one that not only protects you, but actually lets people get to know the real you.

You see, most people if they dont know someone, will often mistake confidence as arrogance, others will assume that being forthright as rude and some will see witty and nutty as just plain weird. These aren't the first impressions that you want to make either.

Mate, the biggest mistake you can make is assuming you need to impress the pants off people the minute you meet them - 9 times out of 10 you'll screw it up and end up worse of. All you need to do is not scare them off or offend them intially - thats all there is too it.

Then, just listen for an opening. Really listen... sooner or later the conversation will come around to something you know, something that you feel confident about. Its then that you can offer an opinion or some small fact or simply ask a question about that will let you begin to open up and grow.

Tizinsane, look at it this way. You are an incredibly complex and layered guy... and a good one to boot. But those who know that about you have taken years to figure it out - theres way to much to you for someone to get that in the first meeting.

And for me the joy in getting to know someone is about peeling back the layers and realising just how much there is to someone.

Somehow though I think you'll be suprised by how much people can see about you - even if you dont feel it. Just let yourself grow as you spend more time with people... its a process not an instant. Your traits and characteristics are in your face your walk and your talk... the people you really want to get to know will have already worked that out when they first lay eyes on you - its impossible for them to not see it.

 

[Tizinsane]

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I'm going to try it all in the next few months.

There were so many times during middle and high school when I really wanted to be someone's friend, but it didn't happen cuz of this problem. So many wasted chances, blown opportunities. It's beyond painful to think about. But like I said I got a very busy summer coming up and im finally starting college in the fall after my 2 year post-HS break. I definitely need to get over this, I don't want to waste anymore chances.

 

[lostinnc]

I've neverconsiderd myself an introvert (although I think some people would try to define me as one). I still go places everyday, even if it is alone. Movies, beach, restauraunts, stores, events etc.

I just wanted to clarify that an introvert can still enjoy social interaction (talking with friends, parties, other social gatherings). The main difference between an introvert and extrovert is how one expresses oneself. Introverts tend to nurture a rich inner self (through reflection, solitude, creativity) while extroverts tend to seek fulfillment through social activities (group activities, social gatherings, etc.).

I agree with some of the other replies. You need to pin point WHY you feel nervous/anxious about approaching new people in social situations. If it's because you physically can't, you may suffer from social phobia and might benefit from counseling/medication. If it's because you don't know what to say or do, then don't beat yourself up! The more you throw yourself into new situations, the more comfortable you will become.

 

[spencer]

start of easy, try talking to girls that are friends of friends. Say you're at an outing with your family and friends and you get introduced to someone you don't know. practice talking to that person.

 

[Tizinsane]

I guess im a mix between an introvert and an extrovert if that makes any sense. I'm not anti-social, but I definitely cherish my alone time.

I am getting better at being myself in public/new situations. My social life has been very active the past month and i've been using some of the advice I got here. I still got a long, long way to go but i've made a little progress.