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Bearbottom - Archived Blog Posts

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Bearbottom

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I have never taken the time or made the effort to start a blog, but maybe the time has come? I'm not really sure what I intend to write about, but maybe if I off load the tedious boring and annoying things that happen to me daily, I can avoid prolonged therapy.

Speaking of therapy, I was referred by my doctor in order to deal with my stress and anger issues that relate to my up and down roller coaster of health. To date, I am not sure what I am supposed to get out of it, and after my last session, I think the therapist feels the same way. I mean, at some point we have to accept that not everyone is going to be happy go lucky, and some people are just pains in the ass. To date the only message I have received out of this has been "that really sucks"....no shit, is this what you get $225 an hour for?
 
Well, I've just seen one of my best friends off. He came in to visit (of course I was working), so while we didn't get alot of time together, we made the best of what we had. I'm always sad to see my friends leave after visiting, none of them live close by and it makes for a very lonely life sometimes. My husband works the opposite shift as me and works alot, that makes things very hard for us as well. I've always had many close male friends, so it's very difficult for me to condense what I'm used to into a few random visits a year. I know I should be grateful for the friends and time I get, but I'm being very selfish and impossible to please right now. :(
 
I just got back from the Coldplay Concert here, it was pretty darn good. It's been awhile since I've been to a show, and my how things are just different now. At my age, I didn't rush to the front, I didn't get caught up in the "drama" of the event, I wasn't drunk or high or both, instead, I took my time and enjoyed every moment of it. I guess getting older can have advantages sometimes ;)
 
So, I should have had a great Saturday night, my best friend was in town, my husband was not working and we decided to go out and have some fun. To make the story short here, one drink led to 10, I spiraled down into a depressive state, my 1 year sober husband fell off the wagon hard, and my best friend got to witness the meltdown of a nuclear gay family. To say the least, we have had better moments.

The upshot is that my friend is still my friend, my husband is still my husband, and I seem to be ok today. I guess that the stress of life and living won out Saturday night. We need to make some changes, but I'm totally clueless as to what to do. I have lived most of my life waiting for things to be ok, and it never seems to happen. I've run out of ideas and solutions to my problems and my partner's problems (our problems). I'm 40 years old this year and I think I have never been so unsettled in my life, personally and professionally.

Right now, my solution is to go to sleep and hope this week brings something good.
 
So my partner and I have finally done it, we decided that we had to give up our house and move to something smaller, more affordable and closer to work. The astronomical heating bills, and the gas required to live in a peaceful and safe setting have just become too much to handle. Our health, healthcare expenses and the general erosion of our American Dream has caused our bank accounts to hemmorage out of control. Because of this drastic change, and the need to do so ASAP, we will probably be financially set back for several years. At the rate we are going, I will be shocked if I can ever afford to retire.

It really sucks that we worked our asses off and tried so hard just to have something for ourselves that we see so many others succeeding with. I looked around today, and started crying over the house we designed, decorated and selected everything for.Those were some of the happiest days we have ever had together, and now it all has to go to somebody else. I feel like all my dreams are gone and all my hope and joy have died. I know that in the long run, it will be better for us, but right now I cannot get past the loss and disappointment.

It's just things, stuff, crap that fills up our lives and occupies our time....it just sucks when you are forced to give up the crap, rather than have it be you own decision.
 
I can't wait, I am going to a great show at a small venue Monday night. My best friend and I are going to see "She Wants Revenge". I haven't been to a small Indie/alternative club show in forever. I've been scouring all the local and statewide venues for other cool shows....I think I'm living my second childhood again.
 
The concert Monday night was truly awesome. The main band was "She Wants Revenge", and their show was exceptional, not to mention, the band members were rather hot/sexy. I drank way too many Harps and had a massive headache Tuesday. Overall a great time.
 
I'm not sure what to do with myself anymore. I feel totally rudderless and lost, nothing is enjoyable anymore and I have no purpose to life. I've lost interest in everything and I care about nothing. That being said, I put on a good show and nobody suspects it's this bad.

On top of this, my best friend in the world that I love more than anything just shit all over me today. I'd cry but I don't even have the emotional capability to give a damn that much.
 
Things seem much better today, I'm still in a rut, but at least my friend and I have reached some common ground. I guess I just needed to vent and the person I vent to was giving me the problem (sucks when that happens).

I'm still intrigued after all these year, and me being such a nice guy, why do people feel the need to treat me like shit at times. I admit, I can be a big asshole, but I go out of my way to spare the feelings of those I love.

To date, I have loved entirely (friendship and lovers both) 6 people and each one has managed to hurt me or break my heart in some way. Giving a damn sux, I wanna be 20 again and not give a shit about anyone--J/K :badgrin:
 
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