Becoming a recluse.

[Riverrick]

There is a difference between "caring about how you look" and not going out meeting anyone "becoming a recluse" with one of the reasons being, "I don't like the way I look"

I know that.

I don't think his reclusiveness is caused by how he looks. But it is exacerbated by it and vice versa. I think it is a positive step that he is working on his body. At least it will be one less insecurity vying for his attention when he starts being more social again.

 

[VICTORIADON]

^I agree 100%

 

[Roland00]

I know that.

I don't think his reclusiveness is caused by how he looks. But it is exacerbated by it and vice versa. I think it is a positive step that he is working on his body. At least it will be one less insecurity vying for his attention when he starts being more social again.

Yes, but at the same time he needs to realize he is making excuses. He needs to expand his comfort zone, some of this can be done by improving his body so he is more comfortable with it, yet at the same time he is going to need to do something that he isn't comfortable with or he will remain a recluse.

When its time for him to step outside his comfort zone, it needs to be baby steps, not to big of ones for if they are too big he will get scared and go back to his comfort zone instantly. When you step outside your comfort zone you slowly begin expanding it.

I am saying this blackbird for I know some people always make excuses. It is all or nothing to them, if they remain this way all there lives they will never be happy.

You have the right to be happy!!!

 

[blackbird12]

Yeah, baby steps. I hear ya. I'm still not sure exactly what I'm going to do or when, but I know I need to just grow a pair and get out there in the real world. Actually, Eagle's idea of going to a resort or something has crossed my mind. I've also thought about doing a cruise or trip to Hawaii. Just seems so pathetic going by myself.

For now, I'm looking forward to this summer, when I'll finally feel comfortable going down to the beach shirtless. Who knows, I might actually meet someone that way. We'll see.

 

[aresbee29]

I can tell you for sure you're not alone. My situation, and my fears, mirror yours to a large extent. Same age, same story with the dating, the focus on education and career, the body - except that about 5 years back I worked on the body and met my goal, then went back into a depression and let it slip away. Right down to the best friend - mine moved about 8 hrs drive away back in August but she was the only one that got me out once in a while. Eerie isn't it?

Part of my problem is that I am not out, and am very fearful of coming out or being outed. So that seriously hurts my chances of even meeting someone, let alone finding companionship. If you don't have this hang-up, you're half way there to overcoming this thing dude.

Don't be too naive to think that changing your appearance will all of a sudden open the door and make you extroverted - that's what I thought a few years back and discovered that it wasn't so. For me, I'm finally back at the gym and my goal is to get my body back to what it was 5 years ago. This time though I'm looking at it more for health reasons (after 30 you really can't throw weight off like you used to in your 20's) so I'm not going into it with false expectations. But it can only help with the confidence.

I have this weird self-conscious thing that makes me feel like I don't fit in when I'm out alone. I can't eat at restaurants by myself, so going to a bar or to a resort on my own is a tough sell. More than that, I don't know how to read signs to know whether someone is interested in me. I look away whenever someone catches me eying them rather than continuing the glance and seeing where it leads. I don't know how to flirt. I honestly think that the dating part will come naturally as I let someone into my life, but the hard part is letting my guard down and being vulnerable enough with someone to take a chance.

Here's what I'm planning on doing this year to get me out of this rut, hopefully it can help you too. First, of course the online chatting and participating in this message board (a first, huge step for me) can only help. To get me out, I am planning on taking some general interest courses at my local college - if I don't meet new people at least I'll develop a new hobby that I can have fun with as a recluse. And I am looking to volunteer somewhere just to get out. Finally, I'm trying to get a little more social at work by sitting on a social committee and getting the office staff mingling.

It's all a start, but hopefully it works for me. What do you think?

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome, BB!

>>>I need to find myself attractive, no?

Not necessarily. I've never considered myself attractive...or at least, all THAT attractive. But I've grown accustomed to, and even fond of my body as it is. Of course, if you love what you're doing to your body, I'd be the last person to tell you to stop.

As far as meeting people...yeah, what everyone else said. Post around. The Fun & Games section is pretty much a huge icebreaker, in essence. Join some conversations in other sections. You'll soon find some posters you like.

Lex

 

[Riverrick]

Here's what I'm planning on doing this year to get me out of this rut, hopefully it can help you too. First, of course the online chatting and participating in this message board (a first, huge step for me) can only help. To get me out, I am planning on taking some general interest courses at my local college - if I don't meet new people at least I'll develop a new hobby that I can have fun with as a recluse. And I am looking to volunteer somewhere just to get out. Finally, I'm trying to get a little more social at work by sitting on a social committee and getting the office staff mingling.

It's all a start, but hopefully it works for me. What do you think?

Welcome to JUB!

I think you'll find that posting here will help you become more social. It can be challenging but that is the growth part so keep on posting and pretty soon you will be well known around here. And I believe that some of the social lessons you learn here you can take out into the real world. Good Luck!

 

[blackbird12]

Hmm, maybe we were separated at birth Ares. : )

I assume you're out to your best friend too, yes? Having at least one friend as an anchor in life is invaluable. Thats been my saving grace for many years. Probably would have off'ed myself by now otherwise. She was the first person I came out to back in high school. That sealed our friendship ever since. Of course, she's always been drawn to gay guys. "Fairys' Princess" I believe is the proper term.

Yeah, sounds like you're making good steps forward. Let me know how it works for you. Personally, I've remained at arms length with everyone at my job. I've worked at building up a level of professional respect with my peers, and I don't care to have them pitying me over my personal life (or lack thereof). Again, its not shame of being gay, its shame of being such a loser.

I've already come out to most of my family. Wasnt really a big deal, they've been supportive. Its been more difficult trying to explain my antisocial tendancies. My mom thinks I may not be fully gay, since I've never been with another guy. She thinks I'm just confused. Well, its not my dick thats confused. It's my other head that has issues unfortunately.

Its disappointing to hear that getting in shape didn't help your situation. I'll reiterate that I know its naive on my part to think it'll change much for myself. But for the moment, it at least gives me hope. I know I should start seeing a therapist, but I hate the idea of sitting on a strangers couch talking bout myself. Besides, they'll just feed me the typical BS about how I need to accept myself as I am, learn to love myself, yada, yada. Just cant see paying someone hourly for crap I already know, ya know?

 

[Riverrick]

But for the moment, it at least gives me hope. I know I should start seeing a therapist, but I hate the idea of sitting on a strangers couch talking bout myself. Besides, they'll just feed me the typical BS about how I need to accept myself as I am, learn to love myself, yada, yada. Just cant see paying someone hourly for crap I already know, ya know?

There are some therapists out there that just encourage you to talk and remain there for you unconditionally. You have a lot of feelings inside that you would benefit from getting out, particularly in a safe place.

I think we learn to love ourselves as we are when other people do the same. That's quite different from simply chanting a positive affirmation. But in order for other people to do that, we have to take a risk and reveal who we really are.

 

[rareboy]

You may not need a therapist, but you may need a serotonin re-uptake inhibitor or similar medication to bring your metabolism back in line. I would book an appointment for a general physical with your doctor and do not be afraid to discuss anxiety and depression with him. Electroshock is definitely not a common modality now and if you survived this as a teenager, you definitely should have ongoing contact with a primary care physician or a neurologist to ensure that many of your difficulties are not physiological in origin.

If you are not aetheist, you might consider going to a place of worship for companionship, particularly if you have a gay congregation. You will find companionship on a whole other level and may also be able to join in other volunteer activities. This will give you time to finish toning and in the meantime find that people accept you just for yourself.

Best of luck.

 

[NickCole]

My problem is a total lack of self-esteem or confidence. I suck at socializing and meeting new people. This is partly due to a lack of pride in my physique.

You may not need a therapist, but you may need a serotonin re-uptake inhibitor or similar medication to bring your metabolism back in line.

Pills are not going to give you self-esteem, confidence or skill at socializing.

And, frankly, your physique isn't going to help much either. Don't confuse people enjoying the look of your body with your own self-esteem and social skill. Guys being pleased with the way you look will not do anything to take away discomfort in social situations. Not that a healthy and toned body isn't better for you, and it can help nourish self-confidence, but it will not give you what you say you're lacking. (Keep working out but don't expect it to fix your problem.)

Self-esteem, confidence and comfort with socialization is built from within, from your Self, not with exterior paintjobs or chemicals modifying the way your brain receptors respond.

You can do all kinds of things that superficially deal with the problem or you can build your self-esteem and confidence, and teach yourself socializing skills. It's old fashioned, it's not very sexy, and it's not going to enrich doctors or drug companies or health clubs -- but it does work. The question is do you want to appear to be the person you want to be or do you want to actually be that person?

 

[halubtsi]

blackbird, all the advice has been really great. I'm a highly social introvert, so it's possible to be an introvert and be extremely social. Social skills are honed over time, and the only way to do that is to go out and meet people, possibly making gaffes in the process.

My straight friends accepted me when I came out, but for many of them, I was there first "gay friend." They weren't able to introduce me to other gay people. I knew I had some gay friends, but they had all moved pretty far away so I knew that they couldn't introduce me to their friends. Through JUB, I was able to meet up with a few people to just hang out. When I started working, I chatted with my gay co-workers about the Ottawa gay scene. Although I don't really go out to the bars/clubs that often, I'd be invited to all of their parties. At the parties, I'd start to see the same faces again and new friendships started to develop. I joined a gay grad students group and I also joined an all-sports league (not a gay one) for camaraderie. This is what's necessary in order to develop your social skills. Do you know of any groups like this near you?

I wouldn't worry too much about your physique. Obviously, it's important for you to look good, but the key is to like what you see. I'm not exactly an adonis, but I know that I'm far from being ugly. I have confidence in my body, despite not having an x-frame or ripped abs. These are things that I'm working toward, but overall I'm happy with my body. Like silverRR said, you should be proud of what you've accomplished so far. This may seem a bit silly, but have you tried getting a new haircut or new clothes? Usually, if you get a new haircut or new clothes that make you look amazing, they may have the benefit of boosting your self-esteem.

 

[rareboy]

Let's be clear here that no one suggested pills for self-esteem. The simple fact with depression and anxiety disorders is that they are often physiological as much as psychological in origin. A doctor is the right person to assess this and prescribe an appropriate course. Too many people are told that they can set everything right by adjusting their attitude etc. which means that they may not be aware of treatments for conditions that are often hereditary or genetic in origin.

People should feel comfortable and not stigmatized by seeking out professional medical help.

 

[aresbee29]

I assume you're out to your best friend too, yes?

Nope, not out to a soul. That just adds to the complexities of my life.

Being in the closet is part of the reason I've shut off from the world. It makes this whole adventure of overcoming my hangups and finding someone even more challenging, practically impossible if you ask me. But I'm trying...

 

[DrkShadow]

blackbird12,

Your definetly not alone bud. I'm 33 a/o yesterday, I've never been in any serious relationships, I'm not a virgin but I'm not far from it. I've been dealing with depression for a long while. I am doing better now but it's easy for me to backslide into the deep mudhole, I even had a suicide attempt last year. I'm out to parents, brother and just a few friends. I too have buried myself in things to avoid my own internal deamons.

Anyways, if you ever need someone to talk with, send me an email. There's lots of good folks here to reach out too. Just ask

 

[blackbird12]

Too many people are told that they can set everything right by adjusting their attitude etc. which means that they may not be aware of treatments for conditions that are often hereditary or genetic in origin.

People should feel comfortable and not stigmatized by seeking out professional medical help.

I'm on the strict Dr. Tom Cruise regiment of daily multi vitamins. I'm sure that's all I need to cure my woes right?

I was kidding bout the electroshock as a kid btw. It wasn't anything quite that traumatic, but it was not helpful to be sure. I was forced to go, and all it did was add anger to the other issues.

I'm still skeptical that therapy will be all that helpful now either. I'm not depressed. I'm not even really sad or cry or anything. I'm just bored with my life and who I am. Therapy isnt going to make me interested in myself, or make others find me interesting. I dont need therapy as much as I need to get a life.

 

[rareboy]

Yeah, vitamins and a complete change of attitude should work in your case.

 

[NickCole]

Pills won't do it, lifting weights won't do it and, although it'll be helpful, a change in attitude won't do the trick either.

If you're in adulthood and self-esteem, confidence and social skills haven't been developed there's only one thing that will change that: putting in the work. Think of these things as something you have to achieve, the same way you would if you were hired for a job you haven't the skills for and have to learn.

 

[rareboy]

Uh...I think you'd have to have a complete change of attitude to 'put in the work' as it were?

 

[Riverrick]

I'm on the strict Dr. Tom Cruise regiment of daily multi vitamins. I'm sure that's all I need to cure my woes right?

I was kidding bout the electroshock as a kid btw. It wasn't anything quite that traumatic, but it was not helpful to be sure. I was forced to go, and all it did was add anger to the other issues.

It sounds tramautic to me, considering you were a kid. I wonder if there are support groups for people who have gone through this as a child?

I'm still skeptical that therapy will be all that helpful now either. I'm not depressed. I'm not even really sad or cry or anything. I'm just bored with my life and who I am. Therapy isnt going to make me interested in myself, or make others find me interesting. I dont need therapy as much as I need to get a life.

I don't think that anyone's suggesting that therapy will make you happy but it may help you make changes in yourself and your life that will bring happiness. Like making deep connections with other people.