Beginning the coming out process and not sure how to do it.

[hotman11]

I have known I was gay ever since I first understood what love and relationships were. I stayed in the closet until April at which time I came out to a very selected group of friends (~10) who I was nearly certain would accept me. That part went very well and it was very easy to just tell them.
Now, I have come to the point that I feel the personal need to tell those whom I am not sure how they will react. One of those is my best friend and the others are my family. All of these people are Baptist. I grew up Baptist and know the feelings of this denomination toward homosexuality. I lived with my best friend all of last year, but we don't live together now. I don't feel that he has a right to know, but, as one of my best friends, I want to tell him. I feel like I am constantly hiding something from him and I don't want that. He is completely straight and has a serious girlfriend who he has dated for over a year. She is very nice, but makes derogatory comments about homosexuals at times.
My family situation is complicated because one member of my family was openly homosexual and contracted and died of HIV/AIDS before I was born. He still comes up in conversations around the holidays and the reaction of family members is different, ranging from sympathy to making it out to be his fault because he was gay. The fact that most are evangelicals further complicates the matter. Yet again, I don't feel they have a right to know, but I want them to be fully involved in my life. I also partly depend on my mother and step-father for financial backing as I am a college student.
Long story short, do you have any personal experiences to share? I would like to hear both the good and the bad and anything you would do differently if you had the chance.

thanks so much!

 

[altlover85]

I was sort of outed because my mom found my conversations to my bf on my computer. I hid that I dated him from her and said we broke up, but we actually were still together and at the end of my first semester in college I moved in with my bf. She was okay with me being gay (she says, in retrospect I'm not totally convinced she was at the time) but didn't like me lying about this guy or the age difference between my bf and I. My step-dad also knows and so does my grandmother. My friends know, but I haven't formally come out to my step dad's family as I'm not very close to them.

If I could do anything differently, I probably would have taken things slower with my ex, but that was more of a relationship issue than a gay issue. I don't know if I would have changed the coming out process. I'd love to say that I would have just come out, but I'm also trying to be honest. I think if I was in the right relationship I would have come out or if I was out of college and not financially dependent on my parents I would have come out.

I would advise you to either try and become financially dependent during college and come out or wait until you have your degree and then come out and move out. Perhaps you could find some gay-friendly or gay friends and move in with one of them.

Good luck!

 

[KaraBulut]

Coming out is not worth risking your financial security.

The usual rule is that if you feel that your parents might cut you off and your education is dependent upon their support, you should wait until you have your degree and some measure of financial independence.

And that is probably what would be best here- wait until you've graduated and you are able to support yourself and then tell them.

 

[Darvin]

In full support for coming out when you have financial stability.
That would make the coming out process easier regrdless what it family's reaction is. Good luck!!

 

[Lube]

Just come out.

If they threaten to not pay for college, then "turn straight" (sadly, they'll believe you).

This way, you only have to continue lying if they make you.

 

[altlover85]

Lube, wouldn't "turning" straight hurt your credibility down the line?

 

[dhchitown1984]

I usually shake my head in approval with Lube's comments, but sorry man, I can't with this situation.

Education is important. If they are providing financial support, you owe it to yourself to continue going down the road to obtain that degree. Your future depends on it.

"Turning straight" only furtherns the attitude out their that homosexuality is a choice, and a switch that can just be turned on or off.

 

[Darvin]

Just come out.

If they threaten to not pay for college, then "turn straight" (sadly, they'll believe you).

This way, you only have to continue lying if they make you.

In total disagreement with you Lube, what if his family flips on him? Somethings are irreversible. He has to suffer the consequences of coming out now. It's very irresponsible advice!

 

[Deandbn]

Coming out is not worth risking your financial security.

The usual rule is that if you feel that your parents might cut you off and your education is dependent upon their support, you should wait until you have your degree and some measure of financial independence.

And that is probably what would be best here- wait until you've graduated and you are able to support yourself and then tell them.

I agree with Kara full-on.

Str8 people dont go round telling everyone they know "hey, I think i'm str8 and like to sleep with girls/boys as may be the case, and in the same way you should have no need to go round broadcasting your sexuality to anyone except your boyfriend.

You dont have to feel the need to come out at all to anyone ever, unless it suits you of course. What you do in your sex life is you and your partners business only.

If anyone asks, tell him that you are exploring your options and havent quite decided yet. Then put the ball firmly in his/her court by asking them direct embarrasing questions about their sexuality by taking an inquisitive impartial stance and asking something like "what do you like most about sleeping with boys as opposed to girls"? This way you put him directly on the spot. He either has to deny sleeping with boys and profess ignorance, or admit bi/homo sexuality. This should humiliate him sufficiently to steer well clear of you with sexual questions, but if he squirms out of your question with out a blush, then let rip by asking when he/she is going to try sleep with the other sex to see if he prefers it. Then keep silent and wait for an answer while looking him directly in the eyes.

 

[Deandbn]

Yeah turn the tables and dominate your adversary so completely that they dont know what hit them.