Being a virgin for too long

[Brer Fox]

Being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of, but honestly now that I am 'deflowered' I am glad I have had the experience, and being wholly honest I encourage anyone of age to just go out and do it. Sex is way too sanctified in our society, and while you should not just go and fuck everything with a pulse, you should be 'permeable,' as an unusually philosophical scene in 'Shortbus' encourages.

If done right sex is fun, life-affirming and relatively safe. It is just very human, it is the foremost thing you were made to do, whether that is shallow or not. I was a lost virgin for a long time, mainly due to shyness, but one night in January I literally just signed onto Manhunt and showed up at a guy's door and did it. In my case, finding a boyfriend in my state and social surroundings is nigh on impossible, and a hook-up was the only way it was going to get done, hopefully you have more options.

But to be honest the guy was sweet, hot and I have no regrets. I hooked a few more guys and they were all unstereotypically good catches. It is our situation as gay men that even the most eligible are attracted to internet sites or other hook-up avenues, since unless you really play your cards right getting laid can be a trip in not-so-gay areas of the country. I may just be really lucky.

I think the biggest draw and benefit I find to getting experience is being experienced. I like to feel comfortable, I like that I now know what to do when I get there. Knowing you are an accomplished lover makes you much more confident.

 

[drhladnjak]

I'm in the same boat with you. I want my first time to be special, with my life partner...

I don't want to disparage you too much. After all, what you want is what you want. A lot of people want to be millionaires with only the purchase of a lottery ticket too. That doesn't mean you quit your job and hope for your lucky numbers to come up. Like waiting for that lucky lotto ticket, waiting for Mr. Perfect to whisk you away is unlikely to get you where you want to be.

Your first time can be enjoyable (even special), but hoping your first time will be with the guy you spend the rest of your life with is unrealistic. Getting experience, figuring out what you like, etc. is all very valuable.

 

[fjancsi80]

I lost my virginity at the age of 23. I felt that it's too late, all of my friends had many girlfriends and I was very curious about guys and sex but also really shy about it. Then I decided that no way waiting for more - before my 24th birthday I will have sex. And that happened. Not with the right guy, actually it came out he was an dumbass. But it doesn't matter! Since then in the past 4 years I discovered sex. I should admit I "tried" as many guys as possible - about 35-40. Now, this period is over, and I'm ready for a serious relationship with a lot of experiences behind me. And this is a good feeling indeed. The only thing I regret the long years of my virginity. I feel that I lost my best years between 18 and 23. I missed a lot of adventures.

 

[latinoguy19]

I have a question. Should I be considered a virgin? I have given a guy head before but I haven't done anal sex or let a guy touch me.

 

[wildhog]

each man to his own. virginity for the most part applies to women. the hymen says it all. but when that memebrane ruptures due to penetration of a dick or finger(s) she is no longer a virgin.

 

[Shepherd 2]

If being a virgin means having some form of sex with another person, then mabe this is possible. Otherwise, most of us had a good wank really early and some other stuff not be mentioned at this moment.

 

[KölnElch]

Great to find this thread..
I'm 31 and still virgin (i.e. had no sexual experiences with guys before). Not by choice. I just don't get to know any men, and I feel inferior from my looks anyway (though I am not really ugly - imho). Now the later it gets, the worse it gets - I begin to wonder what would happen if I ever had a guy - probably younger and more experienced - and he'd find out.
Would he laugh, not taking me any serious anymore? Would he have sympathy? Would he just not care and go on?
Whatever possibility, I don't feel good with either of them 3, since it's a very special thing anyway, and even more when you wait for so long.
I just can't talk to guys... I am so shy and over the years I also became quite bitter, stiff and frustrated cos I'm really lonely, have no friends and so on.
So I jerk off every day to my thousands of downloaded porn pics and talk to the models in my fantasy......

god who did I become? I'm already at a therapist, but I just wanted to contribute with my thoughts and problems to this thread.

 

[gameboy 11]

Great to find this thread..
I'm 31 and still virgin (i.e. had no sexual experiences with guys before). Not by choice. I just don't get to know any men, and I feel inferior from my looks anyway (though I am not really ugly - imho). Now the later it gets, the worse it gets - I begin to wonder what would happen if I ever had a guy - probably younger and more experienced - and he'd find out.
Would he laugh, not taking me any serious anymore? Would he have sympathy? Would he just not care and go on?
Whatever possibility, I don't feel good with either of them 3, since it's a very special thing anyway, and even more when you wait for so long.
I just can't talk to guys... I am so shy and over the years I also became quite bitter, stiff and frustrated cos I'm really lonely, have no friends and so on.
So I jerk off every day to my thousands of downloaded porn pics and talk to the models in my fantasy......

god who did I become? I'm already at a therapist, but I just wanted to contribute with my thoughts and problems to this thread.

You're not alone. For a while now, I've been watching my world come crashing down right before my very eyes. It sucks when you don't have many friends to turn to. But my problem is while I do need company at least once in a while, I'm very anti-social so that doesn't help much.

But to add to the topic overall, the farthest that I went with a guy was him giving me a blowjob for about 7 seconds until I made him pull away. It pretty much wasn't supposed to happen anyway, but it did. I still consider myself a virgin though.

 

[JackFTwist]

"virgin" is a label, a word, that doesn't mean shit

 

[drhladnjak]

I feel for you very much. I am in a very similar situation. Don't ever feel bad about being a virgin. No one should. Waiting for your idea of the right man is nothing to be ashamed of. It means you have self respect and want to have a loving relationship. Not just some sleazy one night stand with someone whose name you don't even know and will never see ever again.

You're right--waiting is nothing to be ashamed of. However, if the years just keep going by it may make sense to re-evaluate your standards or at least how you're trying to find that guy. It really shouldn't take that long to find somebody you're compatible with. Note, I'm not talking about finding Mr. Perfect because in all likelihood he doesn't exist. I'm talking about finding a guy you like and trust enough to have sex with.

There's an enormous range of guys in between "sleazy one night stands whose names you don't know" and Mr. Perfect who you spend the rest of your life monogamously with. In fact, that range categorizes virtually all sexual relationships. There are good, safe, caring guys out there with whom you can enjoying having sex, but with whom you don't necessarily have to enter an LTR.

You're not alone in painting it as an extreme black and white choice. I've noticed that a lot of guys on JUB do the same thing. Heck, I thought the same thing years ago too. There's no reason to do that, because the world is much more complex and nuanced. The key is getting out and meeting people you get along with. The rest will follow.

 

[KölnElch]

Thanks for your nice words by now... but the thing isn't that I restrain on purpose or so... well kind of...
but I just don't have a clue how to get to know someone.
I am living in this city for 7 years now, my real friends live further away, and I lost the few "friends" I had in this city cos they were really mean to me.
In other words: I live in a town with a million people, the gay capital of my country, having a huge gay pride weekend rightnow, I'm out, go from party to party, I'm walking around, I just don't have a clue how to get to talk to a guy. I don't get it.

Long time I made my looks responsible but that can't be it, I'm not THAT ugly. Normal looking maybe. And I made god responsible, or fate or whatever, or my parents, or the weather and and and..... but in the end I just wonder how it works, and if you tell me how it works in USA it doesn't mean it would fit to the social-cultural standards of Germany - so that's a matter too.
Well I don't want a quickie with a stranger... well a bit playing and cuddling might be okay if Im in the mood and the situation would let it feel natural... and I am certainly not the guy who waits for Mister Marry-Me. I just want to meet *someone*, as long as I feel well with him, be it love, or just friends and trusting each other.
But I don't get to know *anyone*.

 

[drhladnjak]

In Köln, there must be some ways to meet men outside of bars. Are there gay sports teams or volunteer organizations you can join? Activities which are not strictly gay but which attract a disproportionate amount of gay men like community theater can also be good. These are very non-confrontational ways to meet people, because the focus is on actually doing something as opposed to just meeting people.

Getting involved where the gay men are as a way to meet them transcends cultural boundaries. Well, at least in places where gay people can be out (e.g., no gay sports teams in Saudi Arabia probably). It's just a matter of finding out what those activities are and what you're interested in. A friend of mine even goes to a gay friendly church to meet guys here in the States, but I doubt that would work in Germany.

My knowledge of Köln is somewhat limited, but in my brief dealings with it, it seemed WAY more cosmopolitan and gay than where I lived in Germany (Saarbrücken). So start looking for something...

 

[Overated]

A question to all who said there happy with being a virgin. Have you guys ever had the opportunity to actually sleep with another human being before ?

Yes a few times...and it didn't feel 'right'


So i didn't

 

[socalnate20]

Well I'm 19 and a virgin,and I feel that I have kinda missed out...for me I personaly think the right age to have sex is around 17-19...but I'm a shy guy! Lol I don't know how to go up to a girl and say hey baby lets have sex!...now about doing it for the first time with "the one" is kinda like eh?...most of my friends and cousins have told me that their first time sucked,which I have kinda programed myself to think that that's how my first time is gonna be like. I'm hoping I'm not a virgin past 21 lol...or atleast lose it on my 21st!...I'm goin to vegas then!

 

[BrandonSBCA]

i don't like how everyone thinks that you need to have sex by a certain age... be it 15 or 35, no one should be pressured into having sex... also, one night stands are almost always unfulfilling and leave you unsatisfied, wanting more; which can be dangerous as this could lead to more one night stands and exposure to STD's.. yucky...

what i would highly suggest is definately saving yourself for the someone you love... you'll find it's much more fun and enjoyable and so much more fulfilling... and your partner will thank you in the end... and no matter how bad you think you'll be... there's always gonna be time to practice with the one you love...

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Ditto, I was a virgin all through the years, kept hearing stories from people here at JUB that you need to lose your virginity by the time you reach a certain age. I ignored it, I lost my virginity to the man I love. I lost my virginity to the greatest man!

 

[drhladnjak]

i don't like how everyone thinks that you need to have sex by a certain age... be it 15 or 35, no one should be pressured into having sex... also, one night stands are almost always unfulfilling and leave you unsatisfied, wanting more; which can be dangerous as this could lead to more one night stands and exposure to STD's.. yucky...

You're right that nobody should feel pressured to have sex. However, one night stands can be plenty satisfying so long as you find the right person and go in with the right expectations. And while more partners does increase the risk of picking up an STD, there are plenty of people who have gotten an STD from their supposedly monogamous partner. You always have to be careful if you're having sex.

 

[KölnElch]

I'm just thinking about how weird would that be..

if I'm meeting a guy in his early 20s and found real love with him... and maybe he has loads of experience with different men and me being virgin...
it says I kept myself for the right one, but he didn't. I guess he couldn't really appreciate it then, that I kept myself.. so.. difficult

 

[jockboy01]

one night stands can be plenty satisfying so long as you find the right person and go in with the right expectations

.

It depends on the definition of satisfying. As long as you know what it is, and are okay with it, it is good for the moment. However, it never seems to leave a LASTING sense of satisfaction. Nothing like relationship sex imo. It is kind of like just masturbating, great for the moment, but don't expect to feel warm and fuzzy for a long time afterward.

 

[SexyGuy]

How family ABC prime time, cheesy, Sesame Street (after mid night), my momma told me so, happy go lucky, old school Britney Spears (We all know that shit changed) is that shit. A question to all who said there happy with being a virgin. Have you guys ever had the opportunity to actually sleep with another human being before ?

Well, maybe I was a little over the top with the whole life partner shit. But I do want it to be special, and not a quick fuck with some random person off the street that might have some STI or HIV. So piss off.

And, for your question, that is an oxymoron statement. If I slept with someone, then I wouldn't be a virgin, correct? So, no, I haven't slept with anyone before. Like I said earlier, don't want a random, one night stand. I want it to be with a guy that I like, who likes me back.

I don't want to disparage you too much. After all, what you want is what you want. A lot of people want to be millionaires with only the purchase of a lottery ticket too. That doesn't mean you quit your job and hope for your lucky numbers to come up. Like waiting for that lucky lotto ticket, waiting for Mr. Perfect to whisk you away is unlikely to get you where you want to be.

Your first time can be enjoyable (even special), but hoping your first time will be with the guy you spend the rest of your life with is unrealistic. Getting experience, figuring out what you like, etc. is all very valuable.

True, very true. And like I said, I went over the top with the whole life partner stuff, so yeah.

Peace...
~Sexy Guy

 

[KölnElch]

Hey somedude,
good to hear from you