It bothers me to be called the bottom in the relationship and I dont know why... I am 22, in school at a big university, and in a serious relationship - when we got together we were both tops, I had always been a top and so had he, now we are both versatile but I always end up bottoming 8/10 times - I love doing it though, and I dont mind it as long as he does it every once in a while too... But I hate it when someone asks who's the top? I feel bad that even though we say we are versatile I know that actually I am the bottom.... It just makes me feel less like a man ( I would say we were both "straight" acting) and I just dont understand why it makes me so uncomfortable - I dont like thinking that I would ever be considered the "girl" in the relationship because it's not like that we are both equal and are both males that is why we are gay - am I just crazy? or does anyone understand what I am saying?
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Being called a bottom bothers me...
- Thread starter rbgwgta
- Start date
SilverRRCloud
I'd rather be a Sexgod:)
Nope. Judging by your post, you are not crazy. You do have an issue though, with your BF, and you want to sit down and talk this thing over with him. If you like to be more often on the top, you want to say that loud and clear. There is no point being in a relationship, if your sexual needs are not being met within the reason.
You also want to look more carefully into the guys, who are coming up with the question, of who is on the top and who is not. Why would that be anyone's business but your own? If they want to watch, that's another issue, and you may start selling the tickets. (Just kiddin').
You also want to mentally dispense with the idea that the guy, who bottoms is 'a girl' in the relationship. You do not feel that way and there is no need to think about yourself that way either.
My partner is always the bottom in our relationship. Yet, neither he nor I ever thought of him in any other term than him being a man.
This might be very individual, but being an absolute top, I always feel that to be a bottom simply takes more guts than to be a top. I might be totally wrong, but that is how I feel about it, for whatever it may be worth.
Gay sex and gay relationships are often compared with their heterosexual counterparts. The comparison is most likely inevitable. However, you want to stop and think hard about it. Where does the validity of such comparisons really stop? After a thought or two, you'll probably come to the conclusion that it does stop very soon. You are talking two very different ballgames here.
One more note: I think that this is more of a relationship than health issue and am moving your thread to the Coming Out and Relationships Forums.
SC
You also want to look more carefully into the guys, who are coming up with the question, of who is on the top and who is not. Why would that be anyone's business but your own? If they want to watch, that's another issue, and you may start selling the tickets. (Just kiddin').
You also want to mentally dispense with the idea that the guy, who bottoms is 'a girl' in the relationship. You do not feel that way and there is no need to think about yourself that way either.
My partner is always the bottom in our relationship. Yet, neither he nor I ever thought of him in any other term than him being a man.
This might be very individual, but being an absolute top, I always feel that to be a bottom simply takes more guts than to be a top. I might be totally wrong, but that is how I feel about it, for whatever it may be worth.
Gay sex and gay relationships are often compared with their heterosexual counterparts. The comparison is most likely inevitable. However, you want to stop and think hard about it. Where does the validity of such comparisons really stop? After a thought or two, you'll probably come to the conclusion that it does stop very soon. You are talking two very different ballgames here.
One more note: I think that this is more of a relationship than health issue and am moving your thread to the Coming Out and Relationships Forums.
SC
Ramindra
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Follow the wise advice given by SC above.
On the matter of what to say when someone asks who is top and who is bottom, you could tell them to mind their own effing business LOL.
I was once asked this question by a straight guy with whom I was doing some research. It angered me a little so I simply said, "I don't ask you about what you do in your bed. Don't ask me what I do in mine."
On another occasion when asked a similar question, I simply replied, "Ah! What day is it? Saturday? Let me work it out. (says he counting on fingers) Ah! On Saturdays I am butch!"
On the matter of what to say when someone asks who is top and who is bottom, you could tell them to mind their own effing business LOL.
I was once asked this question by a straight guy with whom I was doing some research. It angered me a little so I simply said, "I don't ask you about what you do in your bed. Don't ask me what I do in mine."
On another occasion when asked a similar question, I simply replied, "Ah! What day is it? Saturday? Let me work it out. (says he counting on fingers) Ah! On Saturdays I am butch!"
From what I can gather from you, "bottoming" isn't the big issue with you, it's being labelled as the "girl" in the relationship. I don't believe you have any issues with girls or women, per se, but I think your role as the passive/submissive (at least more than your boyfriend) is what's really bothering you.
I can see why that can be an 'issue' with a lot of guys, especially, as you mentioned, to a "straight-acting" guy. I agree with everyone, it's no ones business if they ask who tops/ who bottoms. You can be discreet with you answers as well..just say 'it depends' ( which is true in your case), or say 'it's private' or something like that.
Anyway, I can tell you that there are a lot of bottoms out there who are more in control than their top partner. Don't get too involve with the 'labels'. If you feel good about it, then it's good.
I can see why that can be an 'issue' with a lot of guys, especially, as you mentioned, to a "straight-acting" guy. I agree with everyone, it's no ones business if they ask who tops/ who bottoms. You can be discreet with you answers as well..just say 'it depends' ( which is true in your case), or say 'it's private' or something like that.
Anyway, I can tell you that there are a lot of bottoms out there who are more in control than their top partner. Don't get too involve with the 'labels'. If you feel good about it, then it's good.
G-Lexington
Lex. Icon. Devil.
If people insist on knowing "who's the top", let them know. "Bob is. He has to be, because he can't handle having my monster cock in his ass."
Crude? Of course. But they probably won't ask anymore. And they probably won't see you as "the girl" either.
Lex
Crude? Of course. But they probably won't ask anymore. And they probably won't see you as "the girl" either.
Lex
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I am a man who loves a man. That is all anyone needs to know. It is an identifying characteristic of us when you meet us and get to know us.
What roles we play in bed are never and will never be part of my identity! Ever! Never! It's private and open to discussion only with those whom we choose to share this information.
Why should you allow anyone else to make you feel less than a man and why should you choose to reveal such personal information to anyone other than those who are intimate friends who would not judge you, anyway?
Too many people are preoccupied with gay sex, particularly when it involves the butt, and they need to be told to mind their own business. We have had very frank discussions with our close friends about our sex lives, because we are all curious about others, but it was within the framework of depth of relationship and not some casual, idle conversation. Also, it's a mutual sharing and not one-sided.
You can't control what box others place you in in their own minds, but you can refuse to feel demeaned and less than masculine by what they think. It's what you and your guy think about yourselves that matters.
What roles we play in bed are never and will never be part of my identity! Ever! Never! It's private and open to discussion only with those whom we choose to share this information.
Why should you allow anyone else to make you feel less than a man and why should you choose to reveal such personal information to anyone other than those who are intimate friends who would not judge you, anyway?
Too many people are preoccupied with gay sex, particularly when it involves the butt, and they need to be told to mind their own business. We have had very frank discussions with our close friends about our sex lives, because we are all curious about others, but it was within the framework of depth of relationship and not some casual, idle conversation. Also, it's a mutual sharing and not one-sided.
You can't control what box others place you in in their own minds, but you can refuse to feel demeaned and less than masculine by what they think. It's what you and your guy think about yourselves that matters.
ComNavFdgPk
Just Tryin' to Catch Up!
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operafan
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I guess I don't mind being the bottom because I LOVE being the bottom. No one asks us who is the bottom but if they did I wouldn't have any problem telling them I am the bottom (for a variety of reasons). Being the bottom is negative to straights - I don't see it as being a problem and neither do I see it in any way as a diminution of my maleness.
Fuck me, baby! I'm ready.
Fuck me, baby! I'm ready.
CoolBlue71
JUB Addict
This is where you've made a mistake. You aren't obligated to answer a personal question to anyone outside the relationship that is between your boyfriend and yourself.
For now on, do not discuss with outsiders what goes on in your bedroom.
Hey rbgwgta!
Welcome to JUB mate...great to have you on board! Its taken a long time to coax a post out of you but it was a good one so I hope theres more to come buddy!!!
Mate... the reality is that theres every chance this really doesn't involve the act of bottoming itself. Hell if you keep doing it you must enjoy it - and lets face it - for those of us that are vers, done right it can blow your mind. As a top whos now vers like you, I'm sure you can say from a purely selfish point of view, that bottoming isnt the worst option...
Perhaps whats worrying you... and its really common... is that mentally you have changed roles... because you now are the passive partner you feel like you have lost status. That you have lost power and that he is dominating you. That you are no longer equals... that you have given in and are taking a lesser role. Its not at all about being fem or the girl... its simply about a shift in power... as you feel it.
When you topped you were in control... it went the way you wanted it too. Now some if not all of that control is lost. My guess is that now, even in everyday life you are wondering if your say is as important as it used to be as well...
rbgwgta... the way to fix this is to take charge. Being the bottom doesn't mean you have to lie down and take it...literally. Change position. Control the tempo and the rhythm. You move. You control him. You decide how to ride him rather than letting him make the calls. There are various positions that put you in charge as the bottom. That let you look down on him. That let you determine his role. That let you decide how fast and how long things last... I think that you'd be surprised how quickly your view would change when you regain some level of balance in the decisions being made in the bedroom.
The most important thing though mate, is that you talk to your guy. Tell him how you feel. Explain whats happening in your mind. Explain what you are feeling...chances are he wont even realize that its happening. When you are open and honest with him like you are here..when you use the same courage that you have shown here to be truthful with him, you will get a new balance. You will get a new equilibrium. Honesty is the greatest leveler of all. And my guess is that your guy will do everything he can to put you at ease. And its important that you sort this mate...you deserve to be loved and feel safe and happy and secure in both your lovemaking and the realationship.
Then mate... it wont matter what anyone asks you. Because not only will you not care because you will understand your value and role, you will have a partner ready and willing to back you up!
Welcome to JUB mate...great to have you on board! Its taken a long time to coax a post out of you but it was a good one so I hope theres more to come buddy!!!
Mate... the reality is that theres every chance this really doesn't involve the act of bottoming itself. Hell if you keep doing it you must enjoy it - and lets face it - for those of us that are vers, done right it can blow your mind. As a top whos now vers like you, I'm sure you can say from a purely selfish point of view, that bottoming isnt the worst option...
Perhaps whats worrying you... and its really common... is that mentally you have changed roles... because you now are the passive partner you feel like you have lost status. That you have lost power and that he is dominating you. That you are no longer equals... that you have given in and are taking a lesser role. Its not at all about being fem or the girl... its simply about a shift in power... as you feel it.
When you topped you were in control... it went the way you wanted it too. Now some if not all of that control is lost. My guess is that now, even in everyday life you are wondering if your say is as important as it used to be as well...
rbgwgta... the way to fix this is to take charge. Being the bottom doesn't mean you have to lie down and take it...literally. Change position. Control the tempo and the rhythm. You move. You control him. You decide how to ride him rather than letting him make the calls. There are various positions that put you in charge as the bottom. That let you look down on him. That let you determine his role. That let you decide how fast and how long things last... I think that you'd be surprised how quickly your view would change when you regain some level of balance in the decisions being made in the bedroom.
The most important thing though mate, is that you talk to your guy. Tell him how you feel. Explain whats happening in your mind. Explain what you are feeling...chances are he wont even realize that its happening. When you are open and honest with him like you are here..when you use the same courage that you have shown here to be truthful with him, you will get a new balance. You will get a new equilibrium. Honesty is the greatest leveler of all. And my guess is that your guy will do everything he can to put you at ease. And its important that you sort this mate...you deserve to be loved and feel safe and happy and secure in both your lovemaking and the realationship.
Then mate... it wont matter what anyone asks you. Because not only will you not care because you will understand your value and role, you will have a partner ready and willing to back you up!
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Two things.
First, to many straight people (and not a few gays, unfortunately) there is this mindset that one of the partners in a gay relationship must be more of a 'woman' than the other. Not just passive, but also more emotional, more nurturing, more domestic...all the things attributed to females. They can't comprehend that two man can live together and still be all male and masculine.
Second, I wonder if you still have some residual shame about being gay? This could possibly answer why you feel bad about what others think of you.
Now, I wonder, will we ever hear from you again?
First, to many straight people (and not a few gays, unfortunately) there is this mindset that one of the partners in a gay relationship must be more of a 'woman' than the other. Not just passive, but also more emotional, more nurturing, more domestic...all the things attributed to females. They can't comprehend that two man can live together and still be all male and masculine.
Second, I wonder if you still have some residual shame about being gay? This could possibly answer why you feel bad about what others think of you.
Now, I wonder, will we ever hear from you again?