Being gay in college without a boyfriend...

[Jory]

Hey guys,

I just wanted to touch base about something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

I'm in my last year of college and I haven't been in any kind of relationship this entire time. Granted, i've had a buddy or two during my freshman and sophomore year, but there hasn't been anyone into a relationship.

The thing is...I think college is one of the worst places to be for someone who actually wants a relationship.

I feel that we have to constantly see guys that we *know* we can't have. It's even worse when I see couples around campus, and think to myself "why can't I have that?" or "what's wrong with me?"

I just think that this would be a great time of my life to be sharing with someone. Not to mention, I am so stressed constantly about trying to get my life in some sort of order...it would be nice to have someone to be with. Not just for emotional support and comfort, but for general reasons.

I guess it all comes back around to things happening in their own time. There's no rushing a relationship.

but basically, I feel like i'm missing out. And I don't like it at all.

Sometimes it doesn't bother me, but some days I hate it.

can any of you relate to this?

See how old I am never had a BF but you're young you still have hope. So don't worry about it until you get to my age.

 

[luminum]

You know, as well as my original statements, I believe in the idea that if you both really want something, you can make it work. if you're both secure enough in your relationship, then time placed in other things like school and work can be okay and you can still have a happy relationship.

I guess, I also really want a boyfriend right now, too...and if it was real, I'd be okay with the fact that my potential boyfriend and I would need to divert some of our time to other necessities. I would hope that we could still make it work.

I feel like my best chances to date someone is in college, but maybe it isn't. Life doesn't end in college, right?

 

[drhladnjak]

I feel like my best chances to date someone is in college, but maybe it isn't. Life doesn't end in college, right?

Not that I want to make any of you feel worse about your current situation, but there won't be any other time in your life when you're surrounded by so many single, interesting, smart people your own age as in college. Once you get older and start working full time, your coworkers will be off limits, of varied ages and otherwise not generally available. Meeting other new people becomes more difficult in that you have to rely on your existing social network (definitely build that up in college!) or explicitly seek out new opportunities with clubs, volunteer activities, etc.

That said, a lot of people in the 18-22 demographic are really not ready to be in a serious relationship either. The numbers are higher but the yield is lower and thus may not be the best place to find a boyfriend.

 

[luminum]

Not that I want to make any of you feel worse about your current situation, but there won't be any other time in your life when you're surrounded by so many single, interesting, smart people your own age as in college. Once you get older and start working full time, your coworkers will be off limits, of varied ages and otherwise not generally available. Meeting other new people becomes more difficult in that you have to rely on your existing social network (definitely build that up in college!) or explicitly seek out new opportunities with clubs, volunteer activities, etc.

That said, a lot of people in the 18-22 demographic are really not ready to be in a serious relationship either. The numbers are higher but the yield is lower and thus may not be the best place to find a boyfriend.

No, I know that, but I've still got a few years ahead of me for college...grad work, etc.

But *sigh...

I agree with huntneo, that I feel like I'm missing an experience of being "young and in love"...I mean, I had a short relationship during my sophomore year, but I want something real, and not with a sucky person.

 

[drhladnjak]

No, I know that, but I've still got a few years ahead of me for college...grad work, etc.

But *sigh...

I agree with huntneo, that I feel like I'm missing an experience of being "young and in love"...I mean, I had a short relationship during my sophomore year, but I want something real, and not with a sucky person.

Very understandable! I've never been much of a romantic myself and was extremely closeted all through college.

I ended up coming out in grad school. I actually found grad school to be about the same as the working world with regard to meeting other single available people. In my department, out of 150 other grad students, I was the only gay person (at least that I knew of), although we did have a transgender faculty member too. Meeting students in other departments was rather difficult, especially grad students since at age 25 I wasn't really interested in getting involved with the 19 year-old drama queens that seemed to fill the local LGBT group. One of my housemates was gay too (and a drag queen), but he didn't really seem to know many other gay people either. I found that lots of grad students were married/partnered or focused on their grad work and did their own things a lot more.

I did meet this amazingly hot pharmacy student once who was really into me but I chose not to pursue it since I'd already accepted a job in Seattle to start two months after that

 

[luminum]

Ah, well...assuming I get into the college I'm in now, I'm already pretty well situated in the LGBT scene there, since I volunteer at our LGBTA office. Also, I'm going into Pubic Health and there must be SOME gay guys in there...maybe.

 

[runna66]

Im also going to be a senior in college ths year and have never been in a serious relationship. I definitely feel like that I have missed out on many experiences that my peers have had. Most all my friends have had a serious relationship by this time. When i hear them talk of this, it makes me feel like i have missed out on certain experiences that many others have had. I am out, so I am hoping that this might change in the next year but i know that relationships take time to occur and that it will all happen in due time. So i definetly understand where you are coming from.

When I see couples it makes me feel a tad bit jealous at times but I realize that my time will come...and hopefully soon! So you are definitely not alone in your feelings as I surely know what it is like to want to have a relationship that has not yet happened.

 

[igeorge25]

I don't know... I'm going into my Freshmen year this fall, and I kept on telling myself throughout highschool (where I was out for my junior and senior years) that university would be the place to find a boyfriend...

But, my gay older uni friends are all... playing the field. Which worries me. If THEY don't want relationships, what makes me so sure I'll find someone at my university who wants one then?

Join a GLBT at your school, if you have one (I plan on being involved as soon as I can), but otherwise... I know where a lot of you are coming from. You've met a lot of guys, but you don't really get the... feeling from them that you want to have something more than friendship or a hook-up. Or if you do, then the other person doesn't have them back (that's happened before...)

As someone stated, DON'T LOWER YOUR STANDARDS. University isn't the end of your life, and maybe you really do need to just 'play the field' and figure out what you can and can't deal with and what you're actually looking for when it comes down to a serious realtionship. But don't go out with someone you normally wouldn't really pay attention to, even though sometimes it gets realllllllllly lonely.

It's about time someone invents a teleport-thingamabobber so all us JUBbers can at least have each other for support. I know you guys are at least considering relationships where everyone else my age is looking for sex. Ugh.

 

[maxpowr9]

I swear where all in the same boat. I'm heading into my junior year in college and I'm out and single. I've hooked up with a few guys but nothing real serious. I only have one gay friend at school (I go to a very conservative college) and all we talk/bitch about is being single. Naturally, we would be horrible in a relationship considering we're both taurus. Of course in lieu of a boyfriend, I became addicted to World of Warcraft. However, my grades started slipping and I quit (naturally at the end of the semester lol). I'm hoping when I go abroad I can meet a nice Aussie chap. I'm a sucker for a british or Aussie accent.

So who's up for group therapy so we call bitch about being alone in college? lmao.

 

[drhladnjak]

A friend of mine works for Seattle Public Health Department. Pretty much all the men that work there are gay. It's even more odd being that he works in the family planning section and deals regularly with abortion and contraceptives. It was the same way when he used to work for Planned Parenthood.

 

[slickery]

I went through all of University without a boyfriend until my very last semester. It came when I least expected it. Had just moved into a totally random place in a complex of flats and who moves in next door to me, the love of my life for the last year and a half.

Just stop looking for it and focus on yourself. Do things now that you couldn't do if you were "tied down." No I don't mean sleep with everyone you can, stuff like travel. Although another word of advice, don't fall in love with boys that aren't from the same country as you.

 

[m59583]

It only takes one really crappy relationship for you to be content with living alone for the rest of your life.

 

[metatron]

I'm like you...

I'll start my 4th (and last) year of university and I haven't dated with any guy this whole time... Like they say, when you least expect it, he will appear

 

[RicanDAB]

I dated girls in college (of course deeply closeted then) ... did not start dating (or messing with) guys until a few years after. I don't regret it. You'll be much happier letting things happen at their own pace rather than pushing things to go in the direction you want.

 

[tonyboy]

Consider yourself very fortunate.





Yes, and deep down I am aware of that.

I just keep letting impatience get the best of me.

Social lore has it that part of the college experience should include having a boyfirend to date, go the movies with, and basically share all the fun of dating that young folks are supposed to have.
It's much tougher for gay guys my friend.
You could easily have casual sex, lot's of guys and girls do that in college.... but you are trying to achieve something much more than that and I give you credit for that.
Highschool and college campuses are filled with guys with high hormone content. You have that too I figure.... yet you are not willing to settle for just a quick f*** when you could have a meaningful relationship. That is a fine quality you have my friend. I call you a friend because I've read your posts on jub for some time and have found you to be quite an exceptional young man in many aspects.

What awaits you will be more splendid than you could possibly imagine right now huntneo. Sorry to say you'll just have to trust me on this one.

Besides being handsome you have character.... And the desire for commitment. The man that you find as your soulmate will be lucky indeed. It may take some trying to find that guy, I wish I could say otherwise. Much harder for gay guys to find that 'right' person than straight folk. But it is possible.
And it will happen for you my friend.

 

[strataboy19]

Well I'm certainly glad a thread like this came along...it's pretty encouraging.

I'm out and in college, but unlike many of you I've never been in any kind of relationship with a guy (sexual or otherwise) so I pretty much know nothing about dating.

I'll admit, I've also been becoming increasingly frustrated lately seeing all the happy couples across campus, holding hands and such. I used to be able to say "Who needs a relationship? I've got my friends!" but more and more they're finding significant others, some are even getting married, so life continues to get lonelier.

Sure, there are quite a few gay guys on my campus, but many of them are too sexually promiscuous for my tastes and many others are the 'gym-pumped A&F look-alikes' that wouldn't go for a 'normal nerd' such as myself - not that I would be interested in them either, lol.

So I try to hold my head up, and I'm beginning to learn how to live life happily as a perpetual single. On Friday nights sometimes I have dates with myself...cheesy, I know, but it helps a little. Cook a great meal, rent a good movie, then play video games or read a good book. When I go out I try to go to restaurants with bars so it doesn't feel so awkward sitting at a table alone. Anyone else got some good tactics to help survive the single life?

 

[newkidondagayblock]

HI I was the guy who dint have any BF while in college and I still don't. I have kept thinking about it for so long that i am not living my life... im just thinking about how my life should be or should have been.
Since im saying this to you, it is easy. But i cant apply it to my own life.
The advise im giving is just do the things you can to get a BF, but don't question yourself why you aren't able to get one. Coz there is no answer to that question.
So don't question it, just take steps to get a BF.
If this advise makes no sense to you, don't worry I don't take it either....lol

 

[Shepherd 2]

You seem to have your head screwed on pretty good.
You are right, college is probably not a good place for a relationship.
So enjoy college's social life with casual friends, and save the relationship journey for a time when you will become more settled.
Shep+

 

[Rick18]

I've come to accept that maybe "my timing" is not to have a boyfriend in college. I was so set on living the typical college lifestyle where I have a special guy to share this time with, but it looks like things aren't going to quite go that way. We all get over it and deal with it in time.

I've come to the same conclusion. Most of the guys I've come across on campus either talk about everyone behind their backs, they're too busy for a relationship, they're already in a relationship, or one of us isn't attracted to the other. I've gotten to the point where I'm just happy to be friends with people and concentrate on my classes instead of worrying about a relationship. By the way, we go to the same college, and yeah, those cutesy couples are all around.

 

[interesting]

It often seems that love is terrible at navigating.

Ain't that right

Sophomore in college here, and I can't even get a guy to turn his head, so guess I have to settle with my hands They can only do so much