Being gay in the workplace

[briefboy86]

Hey everyone it's been a while since I started a new thread but this has really been on my mind alot lately. I work for a mid sized financial firm in commercial insurance and everybody I work with are mostly women that are around my mums age (I'm 22) they have no idea I'm gay but I have dropped some clues but they keep asking me if I have a girlfriend and some try to set me up with our recipronist. And it's really starting to bother me. But what's really hard is that in this firm of 68 people they all know my family cuz we also have a mid sized business and I'm afraid if they find out it will in turn not only hurt my career but also my fathers business it's starting to get to the point where I don't know what to do or to say... Any help would be great!!
Thanks guys!!
Justin

 

[G-Lexington]

Not sure what's being asked. Do you want the questions to stop? Do you want to stay in the closet? Do you want to know if you can be "out" at work without your father finding out? Do you want to know if you being gay will hurt your father's business?

Lex

 

[Dutch182]

Who you want to know is your own bussiness. and if they start pressing you to go out with the girl in the office just tell then you don't shit where you eat.

 

[briefboy86]

What I'm worried about is would it hurt my career and the situation is to the point were I wanna tell human resources but I don't wanna cause drama in my office and erk anybody off. Before this job I was selfemployeed and didn't have this to worry about but I really don't know how to handle the situation I laugh it off at the time but as of late it's really been eating me up with all of them
Asking when I'm gonna have a gf or what I want in one or if I want kids LOL it's just alot to deal with. I guess why I'm looking for is just to get this off my chest and see if anybody here has the same issues. It's just tuff when it's such a straight laced company.

 

[G-Lexington]

Generally speaking, even the most straight-laced corporations know that homosexuality exists, and that some of their employees probably are gay. The main difference right now seems to be how cool they are with it. For example, a gay friend of mine works for a pretty conservative corporation. "Casual day" means you can wear a polo instead of a shirt-and-tie, and my friend jokes that they're probably upset that they can't make men wear fedoras to work. Despite this, he's out at work. Because they're rather straight-laced, he doesn't crack some jokes that he might otherwise, but he has no qualms about calling his partner "my partner". Nobody gives him grief about it, and perhaps some people there have an issue with it, but since he doesn't talk about it unless it's brought up, it doesn't interfere with work at all.

I don't know if this is necessarily a job for human resources. People aren't hounding you because you're gay. They're just being chatty. What I've found to be true is "if you treat your sexuality like it's no big deal, everyone else will treat it like it's no big deal." "Yeah, I'm dating somebody, but I'm really sure about him yet. We're still sort of getting to know each other." That makes it clear that you're gay, clear that you're cool with it, and clear that it's not this big horrible secret that nobody is supposed to know. If you make it sound like a secret, people will immediately treat it as such...which usually means telling people.

Lex

 

[briefboy86]

You two are rite I mean it's gonna e scarry as hell but it will come out one day. I think I made a big mistake of when I was hired 6 months ago when this started about 2 weeks in that I just didn't come out so it's gonna be kinda difficult but I wanna beable to take my boyfriend to the Christmas party and
The outings like how everybody takes their husband or wife I dot wanna be the wallflower. So I do have some back tracking to do any advise on how to do it?

 

[G-Lexington]

There's no backtracking to do. Next time someone asks if you've got a girlfriend, you say "Actually, I'm dating a pretty cool guy right now. But thanks."

Lex

 

[briefboy86]

I guess I don't understand the problem. Did you lie and say you had a "girlfriend" specifically? Just because you didn't come out, loud and proud your first week there doesn't mean you can't now. Now if you lied and made something up claiming to be str8, well then that's a little stickier but certainly easy enough to remedy.

I never said i have a girlfriend to them, before i came out i denied to myself i was gay and had a few girlfriends that never went anywhere (ovi) lol but i try not to talk about my personal life about who ive dated, i just try to say im 22 and enjoying life and like to go out and do my think, but they assume i have one but i never mention anything, i just dont know how to go about saying anything cuz the company is pretty big and we have 3 different locations and are merging into one building in the early fall, but still to tell everyone woudl take forever.. im just not sure how to do it, like commin out to my dad was probally the harderst person i came out too.

I just dont know how to take the first step to tell them, i have my own office and would like a picture on my desk of Tony and I but like rite now i'm just afraid if i didnt say anything it would make things worse.. so i think i need to take the first step to tell the people in my department first but still how do i take that first step and make it seem like a professional stance rather than a personal one.. i just dont know..

 

[Lefty]

leave h/r out of everything. dutch was good in advising you keep you work world and your private world separate.

rather than running aroud telling everyone just wait until the next time someone gets personal then quietly and unobtrusively advise that person you are seeing a guy right now and don't have any extra room on yyour dance card. don't make it a big deal, subtle and understated. it is better to let the word go arounf that way than to take an ad out in the office scandal sheet.

 

[Lefty]

leave h/r out of everything. dutch was good in advising you keep you work world and your private world separate.

rather than running around telling everyone just wait until the next time someone gets personal then quietly and unobtrusively advise that person you are seeing a guy right now and don't have any extra room on your dance card. don't make it a big deal, subtle and understated. it is better to let the word go around that way than to take an ad out in the office scandal sheet.

 

[Lefty]

yea, it could be worse. i mean it isn't like you were a vegetarian or anything j/k

 

[rareboy]

Take your boyfriend to the Christmas party although why anyone wants to go to a christmas company party is beyond me.

You don't have to have announcements or a parade.

Just be yourself and be confident in yourself.

You are seriously underestimating your co-workers' intelligence if you think that you being gay will hurt your father's business.

I assume your family knows you're a homo...

 

[CtBoyWonder]

A lot of people will find it intriguing that you are gay. I know that is
the case with me. People like a "mystery" in someone, and being gay
is one. I say put the picture on the desk, take your boyfriend to
the Christmas Party. It will be fun to watch your co workers try to
figure you out. You can never let your sexuality be a liability.

 

[briefboy86]

I hope they find it intriguing.. im just nervous because ive been working on dropping some hints around trying to feel out who the homophobes are and i kinda have a feeling of whos gonna be cool with it.. im going to try to start slowly but guys please dont stop with the responses its giving me alot of good ideas on how to handle this situation. thanks guys!!!

 

[spencer]

what does your dad think? if you're worried about how it will affect his business, what is his opinion on the matter.

 

[briefboy86]

what does your dad think? if you're worried about how it will affect his business, what is his opinion on the matter.

hes embarrassed to the hills and back, hes afraid of people finding out and talking behind my back.. he thinks this is "just awful" hes been comparing this to when he found out my mom was having an affair.. hes not too thrilled about this.. so....

 

[spencer]

hes embarrassed to the hills and back, hes afraid of people finding out and talking behind my back.. he thinks this is "just awful" hes been comparing this to when he found out my mom was having an affair.. hes not too thrilled about this.. so....

I meant from a business standpoint. Does he think it will affect his business or your ability to do your work or move up in the company.

 

[briefboy86]

he has no idea that im thinking about doing this.. i know if he did he wouldnt approve of the idea,

 

[spencer]

it seems like you are thinking more with your heart. If that is the case, then coming out at work like the guys said should be fine.

if you decide to truly examine the pros and cons of coming out at your work and the effect it will have on your career and your dad's business. And if you actually ask your dad and talk to him and tell him to put his personal feelings aside and to use his professional experience in your industry to help decide, then you can come out with a better plan of action based upon thought.

it will be easier to do it sooner in your young career than later after you've moved up the ladder. That would be best.

 

[megustamyn]

I think Lex and Ghost have it exactly right. If you talk about your life in the same natural way that other people talk about theirs, most people will accept it that way.

I worked for a major bank for 30 years. It was New York City where diversity is the norm, but still it was a bank and thus a conservative atmosphere. I was 22 when I started. I had a 6-month-old daughter and my second daughter was born a year later. After the girls’ mother, I dated a very nice woman who attended a couple of corporate functions with me. After her I didn’t date women again.

I never made an announcement. When people talked about their weekends, I would just say, “Joe and I did this or that.” I even dated two guys from work and went on vacation with one of them. (Dating at work is not a good idea, but I was foolish back then).

Anyway, I don’t think it hurt me. I had good career advancement. The company paid for my graduate studies. I made vice president in my late 30s and I earned enough that I was able to retire in my early 50s.

My point is that if you don’t act like you have something to be ashamed of, you will most likely be treated with respect. The only negative reaction I got was after I had retired. I went to work in the gay community and the first time I appeared in the newspaper a former supervisor sent me a nasty email, which I immediately classified as spam.