Being Supportive to a Possibly Confused Friend

[SayWhat]

I'm having a dilemma and the fact that my emotions make me biased doesn't help. Haha.

My recent friendship with a guy from my social circle has been kinda high profile with everyone in our group. It's almost like we're in a tabloid magazine sometimes. A lot of people have been wondering about my friend's orientation and whether or not we're "just best friends". My gut feeling is that he's not 100% straight (despite his claims to be), but I definitely wouldn't think he was gay.

The thing is, he knows that I talk to my girls from the group about practically everything. I'm a little nervous that he may have his guard up with me thinking that his sexuality would become a topic of these conversations as well.

I'd like to convey to him that I respect our friendship and his privacy enough for him to confide in me IF there's anything he's struggling with. I know I felt a million times better after I found someone to talk to when I was coming to terms with my sexuality. BUT, I also don't want him to be offended thinking I'm jumping on the "You're friends with a gay guy, so you must be gay now!" bandwagon.

Should I have this conversation with him or just dodge the topic so he doesn't get uncomfortable??

PS: I'm NOT looking for advice about ways to tell if he's gay or straight, etc. I'm just trying to figure out if I should put a helping hand out or wait until he asks for it.

 

[Kiwikat]

Perhaps try putting it out there. Mention that if he wants to talk about it, you'll be there to listen. If he's straight I don't see how it would change anything. If he's not, he will be happy to have someone to talk to.

I take it he knows you are gay?

 

[Rooster]

Simple answer. If the roles were reversed, what would you want him to do?

 

[sdmister4]

if you want him to know that he can confide in you, maybe you should confide in him. it sounds like you talk to these girls about things you wouldn't necessarily talk to him about, and he knows that. i don't believe it's about trust, it's more about comfort.

 

[SayWhat]

Don't make it about his or your sexuality, make it about your friendship. That's about the only advice I can offer you.

That's a very good point. Thanks!

if you want him to know that he can confide in you, maybe you should confide in him. it sounds like you talk to these girls about things you wouldn't necessarily talk to him about, and he knows that. i don't believe it's about trust, it's more about comfort.

Also a great point. There are a lot of things that I talk to them about and don't talk to him about. I'm not used to confiding in guys because I've always had girlfriends that enjoyed the chitchat more.

I guess I should lead by example, then!

 

[KaraBulut]

Well, if you want to convey the fact that you know the difference between idle gossip and a personal secret, the best way to convey it is to make sure you don't make a habit of gossiping in your group.

The next best way is to say, "I know the difference between gossip and a secret shared with a friend. Anything you tell me in confidence will never be repeated."

To everything there is a season...

Whether friends are gay or straight doesn't matter unless and until they're willing to deal with the issue.

If you want to be a friend to him when (and if) he decides to come out, then the best way to do this is to be his friend- unconditionally- now. That means being supportive, being a good listener and proving yourself trustworthy... and that has nothing to do with his sexuality or your sexuality.

 

[SayWhat]

If you want to be a friend to him when (and if) he decides to come out, then the best way to do this is to be his friend- unconditionally- now. That means being supportive, being a good listener and proving yourself trustworthy... and that has nothing to do with his sexuality or your sexuality.

You're right. Being supportive and trustworthy is not specific to his sexuality or my sexuality. HOWEVER, I think there is a big gap there. Before I came out for the first time, there were people that I trusted with my life but still didn't trust with my sexuality.

I know saying "You can trust me" won't make him jump to his feet and shout it from the rooftops. But, like you said, I guess it's more about showing that I know the difference between random gossip and serious, confidential matters.