Being the "gay best friend" sucks ass...

[ixthrock]

I have too much self respect to put time and effort into a friendship with someone who sees me as nothing more than their fashionable fag accessory -- like I'm a clutch purse or something.

and that's the fabulous gay person at the party everyone was hoping to see.
Now that you realize she is treating you as an accessory, you become her mirror darkly.

 

[kevbo]

It may not be her fault. She may have told them exactly how she feels about you, but it was them who built up the expectations...

Impossible for me to tell...

 

[Rex]

I think you should have just told her how you feel because she's clearly important to you but she needs to understand that you being gay doesn't mean you're a novelty pet or something.

Seems like an awkward situation she put you in but she just needs to understand how you feel about this, because it's honestly a silly reason to throw away a good friendship.



Question: I've never had a female best friend. Does it get you any closer to seducing a straight guy? Just wondering.

 

[belamy]

You were friends with an idiot. That happens.
All the time. To anyone.

 

[davy]

something a lot like that happened to me a while back..... except for me, my hag wasn't street savvy so she outed me to a bunch of mexican thugs out on the streets at two in the morning.

.... yeah .... good times

(my left fist still hasn't totally healed)

 

[bokan800]

MY problem is different. When I hang out with just one of them (which are all girls btw) people think I'm their boyfriend. I feel like the only way not to get viewed as that is to snap my fingers constantly or wear an "I'm Gay" shirt.

I can't stand it. At one point the teacher of my friend son's thought that I was his dad and that just freak the shit out of me because I just don't see myself in that light.


Don't get me wrong, but for me I rather be introduced as a gay friend than a boyfriend. The stereotype attached is the stupid part.

 

[NightDayKrauser]

you should always inform your friends how you feel...

for all you know this friend of yours doesnt have many gay friends and so she's a bit clueless. I am telling you now, SHE WILL MAKE THIS MISTAKE AGAIN. But why throw away a friendship you can save. For all you know she can help you out of a huge bind later in life...

just remember that before walking away from the situation...

 

[Swellegant]

So your friend felt it necessary to tell all her new friends about her gay best friend back home... and then her new friends made up a completely erroneous mental image of you. That's their fault, not hers. Nevertheless, I think it behooves you as her friend to talk to her about this. You don't have to be confrontational about it, just ask her why she refers to you that way.

My best friend used to go around referring to me as "my gay best friend" until I confronted her about it. Why am I your gay best friend? Do you have another best friend from whom I have to be differentiated? Do you suppose I refer to you as my "female best friend"?

She was rather surprised by the comparison: she'd never thought about why she referred to me that way. Probably to underline the fact that we're friends, we're not dating, and so she is completely available. Also to warn people that she's not going to take any shit about gaybashing and homophobia from them.

I assume your friend is very young; one of the worst common failings of the very young is to insist upon explaining themselves all the time, a habit of loading their conversations with all manner of useless exposition. Maybe she thought having a gay friend made her seem more hip, maybe it made her seem more progressive, maybe it made her seem more available to men... I don't know. And neither will you know unless you talk to her about it.

But in general, this is one of the things that happens when you're a minority of any kind: you get lionized for it when you hang out with people who are not of the same minority. Unless you are completely surrounded by your own kind (which is very limiting) or by the fully socially evolved (which is impossible), you are going to be somebody's gay friend, somebody's black friend, somebody's atheist friend. It happens. You deal with it.

 

[maxpowr9]

No, but you spend an awful lot of time in the women's shoe department.

Yeah 2 hours in Stewart Weitzman is enough to push any gay man to the point of a nervous breakdown.

 

[belamy]

You're incredible: by being gay you have the opportunity of living free of escorting your gf shopping and you deliberately choose to escort your hags: whY?!!

 

[PreTTy PeTe]

i've never had many friends who are female

most of my friends have been straight guys............

they love me

they know i'll be there for them anytime

 

[crzyrazn]

So your friend felt it necessary to tell all her new friends about her gay best friend back home... and then her new friends made up a completely erroneous mental image of you. That's their fault, not hers. Nevertheless, I think it behooves you as her friend to talk to her about this. You don't have to be confrontational about it, just ask her why she refers to you that way.

My best friend used to go around referring to me as "my gay best friend" until I confronted her about it. Why am I your gay best friend? Do you have another best friend from whom I have to be differentiated? Do you suppose I refer to you as my "female best friend"?

She was rather surprised by the comparison: she'd never thought about why she referred to me that way. Probably to underline the fact that we're friends, we're not dating, and so she is completely available. Also to warn people that she's not going to take any shit about gaybashing and homophobia from them.

I assume your friend is very young; one of the worst common failings of the very young is to insist upon explaining themselves all the time, a habit of loading their conversations with all manner of useless exposition. Maybe she thought having a gay friend made her seem more hip, maybe it made her seem more progressive, maybe it made her seem more available to men... I don't know. And neither will you know unless you talk to her about it.

But in general, this is one of the things that happens when you're a minority of any kind: you get lionized for it when you hang out with people who are not of the same minority. Unless you are completely surrounded by your own kind (which is very limiting) or by the fully socially evolved (which is impossible), you are going to be somebody's gay friend, somebody's black friend, somebody's atheist friend. It happens. You deal with it.

QFT. The most sensible advice I have read so far in answer to your problem.

 

[zingerz]

well, i've never had quite a situation like this, but it seems like you've invested quite a bit of time in the relationship 4 yrs you say. and you have to ask yourself is that worth saving? is this person worth those one or two conversations at an attempt to move on past this, or are you just going to move on past this friendship. based on your last statement it seems like you want to move on, but you did emphasize you were really great friends before, and maybe with a few long talks you can become that again, but also those few long talks are not going to promise your friendship again... maybe she has changed.