Being Too "Attached" to A Guy?

[hanshansen]

OK, couple of things I want to say. As you know if you've read my threads, I'm one of the most insecure people on the planet, but I've managed to get it under control to such an extent that it's no longer interfering with my relationships.

First, I agree with Lex: to an outsider, there is nothing in that IM conversation to indicate rejection. It also doesn't indicate that you're a huge priority in his life. But the best way to deal with that is to leave things open. Make other friends, do other things, but don't delete him from your list.

Secondly, you have got to get over your fear of rejection, at least in broad daylight when people are looking (I still struggle with it when I'm alone, especially at nights). Two reasons:

The first reason is that if you send people signals that you can't handle a 'no', you will actually push them away. They'll think they need to handle you with kid gloves, they will watch what they say around you, and they'll think you are high maintenance.

If you knew a friend of yours would be devastated if you put a foot wrong, wouldn't you feel under a whole lot of pressure around them? Would you be able to relax with them and just enjoy their company?

The second reason is that the flipside of allowing people to reject you is that if they do say 'yes' and spend time with you, you will know that they are not doing it to be kind, they're not doing it out of pity, they're doing it because they want to, because they like you. And believe me, that is one huge ego boost.

FWIW, I had something like a 'Rob' experience. About half a year ago, a guy at a wine tasting night hit on me and I had my first sexual experience with him. I told him about all my baggage and my insecurities. Shortly after he took things back to a 'just friends' level (even though we barely knew each other - all the talking had taken place when very drunk). A couple of weeks later he gave a party that he invited pretty much all his facebook friends to - but not me. I was absolutely devastated and thought we were through. At some point he contacted me again, we've caught up a couple of times and now we seem to get along pretty well. He invited me to join him on an island/run vacation at the end of the month.

I think he's had to learn through seeing me a number of times with his friends and my friends that I'm getting my shit together and can stand on my own two feet and can be fun to be around. I've had to learn that he means well and that while he's not going to throw his plans in the air for me, he does like me and will try to fit me into his plans from time to time. I doubt that we'll ever be super close friends, but who knows what will happen if we actually get a bit of alone time on the island.

The point is, I've been there and you need to be a little patient and not jump to conclusions.

 

[Cognition]

First, I agree with Lex: to an outsider, there is nothing in that IM conversation to indicate rejection. It also doesn't indicate that you're a huge priority in his life.

I fully know that I'm not a priority in Rob's life (especially since we live over 1.5K miles from each other), but it saddens me that I can't stop thinking about him, but no one else is ever thinking about me. I keep hearing my "inner voice" that no one cares about me and no one is thinking about me, to the point where I get overwhelmed and start crying.

Secondly, I know that if I deleted him from my "buddy" list, that he will not make any effort to ever contact me again. No one will ever care if they ever heard from me again.

The first reason is that if you send people signals that you can't handle a 'no', you will actually push them away. They'll think they need to handle you with kid gloves, they will watch what they say around you, and they'll think you are high maintenance.

If you knew a friend of yours would be devastated if you put a foot wrong, wouldn't you feel under a whole lot of pressure around them? Would you be able to relax with them and just enjoy their company?

I see what you're saying, but I don't actually "send people signals" that I can't handle rejection. I just tend to cut them out of my life, avoiding them altogether.

 

[hanshansen]

As for how to get over the rejection fears ...

Keep doing what you're doing in terms of improving yourself, until you get to a point where you are happy with who you are, or at least feel you're well on your way to becoming who you want to be.

Once you're in that spot, you know that you'll always be able to count on your own support, even if other people don't value you. (It's the 'you are your own best friend' thing ...)

Keep on approaching people who you like, and stick with the ones who value the things in you that you value and don't care about things you feel insecure about, like the fact that you're African-American ... those are the people who will support you if other people reject you.

And above all, *act* like someone who doesn't fear rejection. *Pretend* you don't care if they say yes or no, even if you've been up all night worrying. If you can feel the urge to get guarantees and reassurance from people ('we're still friends, right?', 'did I mortally offend you with my txt last night?'), suppress it. It's a really bad habit.

 

[hanshansen]

I don't actually "send people signals" that I can't handle rejection. I just tend to cut them out of my life, avoiding them altogether.

That's how you're sending them signals. When you get afraid that people will reject you, you punish them by rejecting them first.

Or you threaten to punish them by rejecting them - I think you wrote a long letter to Rob a while ago saying that you weren't worthy, that you couldn't handle his friendship, that you should end it, etc.

If that's not sending signals, I don't know what is. If I'm Rob, I'm thinking, 'I'd better watch what I say with InnovativeBoxx, otherwise he'll cut me off or write me long dramatic letters. This guy is hard work.'

FYI, I'm not being harsh. I know exactly how you feel. From time to time I still get the voices saying that nobody likes me. But you have got to get to the point where those voices aren't affecting how you interact with people.

 

[Cognition]

Or you threaten to punish them by rejecting them - I think you wrote a long letter to Rob a while ago saying that you weren't worthy, that you couldn't handle his friendship, that you should end it, etc.

If that's not sending signals, I don't know what is. If I'm Rob, I'm thinking, 'I'd better watch what I say with InnovativeBoxx, otherwise he'll cut me off or write me long dramatic letters. This guy is hard work.'

Yeah, he probably views me that way. I would just rather end my "friendship" with him if he think of me that way than to "keep things open" with him.

I just pray and hope I don't do it to anyone else again.

I'm deleting my screen name, buddy list, and VOIP number immediately.

 

[Cognition]

Thanks everyone for your advice in this thread. I appreciate it.

That brings this thread to a close.

 

[hanshansen]

Yeah, he probably views me that way. I would just rather end my "friendship" with him if he think of me that way than to "keep things open" with him.

I just pray and hope I don't do it to anyone else again.

I'm deleting my screen name, buddy list, and VOIP number immediately.

If you do it now, why won't you do it again?

Don't pray and hope - it's up to you, not God. Don't do it now.

 

[Cognition]

If you do it now, why won't you do it again?

Simply because I will remember how much stress this whole ordeal has caused me. I'm positive I won't do this again - I do not want to experience that pain I'm now feeling.

That's how I know.

 

[hanshansen]

Simply because I will remember how much stress this whole ordeal has caused me. I'm positive I won't do this again - I do not want to experience that pain I'm now feeling.

That's how I know.

Print out this thread and your other threads and paper your walls with them so that you'll remember next time.

 

[Cognition]

I've decided not to delete my email addresses, buddy lists, etc.

I have decided that I may need to go on some anti-depressants to cope with whatever it is that I'm dealing with.

As for Rob, I still don't know how to get him out of my head.

 

[hanshansen]

I've decided not to delete my email addresses, buddy lists, etc.

That's fantastic.

As for the feelings and getting over it ... if someone had a magic bullet for that, I'd like to know as well. It does seem to get easier with time. It helps when you've been through the pain before and you know that you got over it.

 

[Cognition]

I shouldn't have sent him that damn IM this morning. How stupid of me!

 

[CoolguyAT]

Rejection is a hard thing, no matter what, I dealt with it back in early August and thought I would never find a boyfriend or anyone else would be interested in me, now i'm dating and seeing where things head. Do I still think about the guy (Tim)? Yes I do, but not as much as before.....it doesn't help that we are both graduate students at the same university (UVA) and I have run into him but my attitude is that life goes on and there are plenty of fish in the sea.

To be honest, what i've found is that some guys that come into your life are going to be very special and you probably will never forget me. I dated a guy in Winston Salem and as much as he hurt me I still think about him from time to time.

I to have the issue of becoming too attached to a guy, its backfired on me and i'm still learning how to have a healthy balance. My best advice is that care about the guy, let your feelings be what they are but also just try and play it cool, don't think too much about it. It's much easier said than done and trust me I have trouble following my own advice but it is helping me.

 

[Cognition]

I just don't get it...

For the life of me, I just don't understand how Rob would reject me like that when HE was the one that IMed me.

Why do people do this to me? Why do people take the initiative to greet me and then just push me away?

I've tried so hard to inundate myself with other activities, but I can't stop thinking about him. I hate it, because I know no one is thinking about me.

I'm the one left with the short end of the stick.

 

[G-Lexington]

Sometimes, I'll initiate conversations with people I know (or don't know). I'm feeling chatty, or social, or just want to catch up. Then, later, I might not want to chat. Not feeling chatty or social, or don't really feel like talking to that person just then.

If someone starts a conversation, it doesn't (necessarily) mean he's looking for a relationship.

If someone doesn't continue a conversation, it doesn't (necessarily) mean he was fucking with your head.

Lex

 

[Cognition]

Sometimes, I'll initiate conversations with people I know (or don't know). I'm feeling chatty, or social, or just want to catch up. Then, later, I might not want to chat. Not feeling chatty or social, or don't really feel like talking to that person just then.

I completely understand that. I can relate.

If someone starts a conversation, it doesn't (necessarily) mean he's looking for a relationship.

What do you mean, exactly? Do you mean he's not looking for a romantic relationship or a platonic relationship?

If someone doesn't continue a conversation, it doesn't (necessarily) mean he was fucking with your head.

Do you mean if [he] doesn't continue a conversation that HE started or that I started? Why would he initiate a conversation and leave me out "high and dry" when he knows me? Was he decision to stop talking to me in mid-conversation a result of him remembering that I wasn't in his "class" seeing as though I live in a less sophisticated city that he (Boston vs. Dallas), and I'm not intellectually capable of continuing to talk to him since I'm a student at a mere community college and he's a Notre Dame graduate?

Despite all of this, I've saved myself some confusion and emotional turmoil by blocking him from my IM buddy list and then deleting him.

 

[G-Lexington]

I don't know the man.
I wasn't privy to the conversation.
I didn't see what happened between his last "spoken" bit and when he stopped talking.
Thus, I don't know his motivation for not continuing the conversation.

Maybe he had to run to the bathroom, and then forgot he was in an IM chat.

Maybe he started up a full-screen video game.

Maybe the delivery guy came with the Chinese food.

Maybe he saw that his favorite porn site had uploaded new content, and he popped it up to full screen, dropped trou, and got to work.

Maybe a gargoyle flew by his window and invited him to the annual gargoyle equinox bonfire, provided he headed out the door right this second.

I don't know what the reason was.

You seem to think it was due to some sort of sudden realization of class distinction on his part. That's almost as big a step as the gargoyle equinox bonfire, methinks. IM conversations do peter out quite often. And quite often, for whatever reason, one person just stops posting. It happens. And the reason very rarely is someone suddenly deciding they don't ever want to talk that other person anymore. And it's even rarer when it's some sort of bizarre college snobbery. I know a lot of people who went to really nice schools - I may or may not qualify for that - and none of them have any problem talking to people who haven't. Hell, a couple of my friends are high school dropouts - I don't kick them to the curb because they can't handle differential equations or state the capital of Turkey.

Maybe this guy DID decided he didn't want to talk to you anymore. If he did, it means one thing - he felt you two weren't meshing. And even if that IS the case, fine - don't consider it a personal attack. There are plenty of people I don't mesh with. I don't spend any time bemoaning the fact - I just go on looking for those I do.

Lex

 

[Cognition]

^ I understand completely, G.

I just wish people would just be upfront and honest about what and how they think about me. If a person didn't want to talk to me anymore, I would prefer them to just tell me, so I start the "moving on" process. I absolutely hate not knowing where I stand with someone.

I wish I had the luxury of being like most others ("normal people") and not get attached to people so easily. I don't have many friends (in fact, I can count them on my hand), so when someone new comes in my life, I'm willing to go the "long haul" with them and exhibit loyalty to them. If you ask the few friends that I have, they will all tell you that I'm very loyal to them, and there's nothing I wouldn't do for them (without making myself a "pushover" in the process). They would also tell you that I make myself very accessible to them, even at 3 A.M.

I don't regret getting acquainted with Rob. I appreciate, in fact, him taking the time to be very nice to me and take me out to my first gay clubs/bars. I had so much fun that night. It will be something I remember for the rest of my life.

At the same time, I also suffer from some intimidation from him because he went to a better school than I'm currently in, he lives in Boston, travels extensively, and so on. I feel that my life is inferior to his because I don't have those things yet. So after the last time we hung out (April), I decided to "compete" against him. First, I called up my mom and asked her to help me resume my undergraduate studies. I figured that acquiring my basics at a community college before transferring to a 4 year school would be most financially responsible. Then, I started on a campaign for personal development. I decided to pick up learning new languages (like Spanish, French, Italian, German) since Rob speaks three languages. I decided to start "strengthening" my brain development by purchasing a $100 worth of mind development, memory enhancement books. I decided to strengthen by speaking skills by locating some local Toast Masters groups. I decided to finish my entrepreneurial venture planning by setting a launch date for the first quarter of 2009.

I did all of this so I would be a "better" person than he was. I wanted to be more than Notre Dame graduate working as a financial consultant. I can't/couldn't let him "win".

I guess I don't like how the story ends - that is, not ever talking to him again. No, not because I want a romantic relationship with him, but simply his friendship.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I did all of this so I would be a "better" person than he was. I wanted to be more than Notre Dame graduate working as a financial consultant. I can't/couldn't let him "win".

You put this bit in bold. Hopefully, it's because you see how fucked it up it is.

I have friends with doctorates, and friends who dropped out of high school.

I have friends who are butt ugly, and friends who are so gorgeous I've literally seen them stop traffic. (It was foot traffic, but it's still traffic.)

I have friends who make millions, and friends who make McDonald's wages.

I have friends who have climbed Mt Kilimanjaro, and friends who haven't even been more than ten miles from the place they were born.

I have friends who fly to Vegas for the night to have a good time, and friends who'd rather stay home and play board games.

Friendship is not a competition.
Friendship is two (or more) people who enjoy each other's company.
And that's all.

If you really would like to better yourself, by doing whatever, I'm the last person to say no. But if the only reason you were going back to school and/or learning languages was so this guy wouldn't be somehow better than you, you'd best move back at least two spaces and figure out where the hell you went wrong.

Lex

 

[hanshansen]

InnovativeBoxxx, I'm reading this and I'm kind of recognising myself 10 years ago. For example, there was this guy at uni who was smart and organised and well presented and got great grades in subjects I found hard. I wanted to be like him, I was insanely envious of him, and I also really, really wanted him to like me. I think he found me pretty hard going.

I'm trying to think what happened to get me from where I was then to where I am now. Because I really was very lonely and very miserable. Maybe I'll have an idea by the end of this post.

You have got to realise that Lex is right and that this is not how people think when dealing with their friends.

I have multiple degrees, I guess my job has some cachet, I have family members who are encyclopedia entries etc. So you would think I'm this arrogant bastard. I am. Those things do matter to me. But they don't matter to me with people I like. I have one very good friend who is not from a Western country and she thought the other day that the former East Germany contains Siberia. I have another very good friend who never went to university and what he knows he picked up randomly and through work. I really don't care. I like these people because ... they like and value me, because they're smart (you don't need to know about Siberia to be smart), because I like their ethics and attitude towards life, because they're different from me in a whole lot of interesting ways.

You cannot make somebody like you. People like you or don't like you for their own personal reasons.

Why do you like the people you like?