Best Friend: Coming Out via Letter/Email?

[BiBlackMan]

Hi, here's a brief back story: 45-year old black man, bi-closeted, married (wife does not know). Have been sexually attracted to men as long as I can remember. Have had sex with men several times, but never been in a relationship with a man. Best friend is 40-year old white man, str8 (to my knowledge), married one year and now his wife is pregnant. For several years now I've been in love with him and would do anything to have a romantic and sexual relationship with him. As far as I know he doesn't know I'm bi or have feelings for him. We're very close, but obviously not in the ways I'd prefer or dream of.

I'm at a stage in my life where I'm no longer happy being totally closeted and want to start living a more authentic life, and lifestyle. I want to come out to my best friend. I'm still searching deep for the courage and the words.

Does anyone have experience with coming out to someone they really care about using a letter or email? Is it tacky or too impersonal to go either of those routes? I know that face-to-face would be best, but I'm not sure how I'd handle that emotionally and/or without also expressing my feeling for him. Also, I'm not sure I could take his reaction in person, in case it's either negative or anything but supportive.

Can anyone give some guidance with the approach and perhaps suggest words or phrasing? Thanks!

 

[Eagle653]

It seems you have two issues going on and it's important not to get them confused when you communicate about this to your best friend. The first issue is that you want to come out to him because you want to and want to be more authentic with him. The second issue is that you are in love with him.

By all indications, he's straight and deep down you know that, and know that he's not going to share the same kind of love for you that you do for him. So, for right now, it's important to leave those feelings for him out of the communication with him about your bisexuality. If you do both in one email (come out to him AND tell him you have feelings for him) you will probably lose him as a friend because it will make him feel awkward in that he's not "in love" with you--as much as he might love you as a friend. He'll then wonder if your friendship with him is predicated on a crush? If your friendship is based on wishful thinking? If you thought he was gay too? His straight mind will run wild and you'll lose in the process.

Instead, if you want to come out to him, I personally don't think there's any problem doing that in email (others on this board feel strongly otherwise, and I respect that, but I myself have come out to friends in email, especially when I was first coming out. I just was more comfortable doing it that way because I didn't have to deal with the immediate reaction, and I could choose my words more carefully and not chicken out).

The way I did it was I said something like "There's something I want to tell you because I consider you a really good friend and I don't want there to be any wedges in our friendship--nor any secrets. Recently, I've become more comfortable in the realization that I am a gay man. It's been a long process of coming out to myself, but I now know this to be true and have become more comfortable knowing that about myself. I'm not telling you this because I have sexual feelings toward you or anything--I'm just telling you this because I've come to trust you and know you well and wanted you to know this about me so that I don't have to hide something nor dance around any future relationship I might enter with some guy...blah, blah, blah...."

I have never been in the situation you are in, though, in which I had a crush on a straight friend and wanted to come out to him. So, my statement above about not having sexual feelings for them was to head off the anticipated question "Why are you telling me this?" I wanted to make that very clear.

Question for you: What is your motive in coming out to this man? Is it so that he knows the real you and so you can be real around him and talk to him about your dreams, life, and being real? Or, is it in some hopes that he'll come out to you too and you two can start something?

It seems he's straight, so you probably don't really expect him to come out to you. As such, it's best to keep your feelings and desires for him to yourself and get past that. If you valuable his friendship, you can have that and he may very well accept your bisexuality and respect you for your honesty and trust. But, he'll never understand, if he's straight, your crush on him. That will scare him away.

If you cannot get past your feelings for him and just accept him as a best platonic friend, then unfortunately, it might be you that needs to end the friendship for your own sanity. It's happened before...guys get crushes on guys that aren't returned and it's just too painful and frustrating to deal with them as "just friends."

Good luck to you. Keep in touch here and let us know what you do and how it goes.

 

[G-Lexington]

There are times when coming out via e-mail makes sense. It'll depend on the guy, and depend on your relationship with him. For instance, if you quite often exchange info (especially important stuff) via e-mail, then it won't be strange at all to do so in this instance. But if you're more likely to call or talk in person to catch up, that'll probably be better. You might think about writing a letter for you to hand him to read in your presence. That way, you can make sure everything that needs to be said gets said, and you won't have to worry about stumbling over something or saying something you'd rather not.

I think it'd make most sense if you simply come out to him first, without telling him of your crush on him. That'll probably be enough info for him to digest at one sitting. Later, if you feel it prudent, you can tell him about how you feel about him.

You seem to be holding on to a shred of hope that your friend feels the same way about you. You obviously need to get beyond this, and perhaps coming out to your friend will actually help. When he DOESN"T do the same to you ("Wow - I'm bisexual too!"), that should tell you what you need to know there, and maybe you can start looking elsewhere.

Lex

 

[BiBlackMan]

Thanks G and Averageguy. Both of your are right about one thing: I need to get my motives in check. I would be lying if I said I hope deep down that telling him I'm bi or gay that he'll confess to being so as well. I know the chances of that happening are extremely remote, so I also have to dampen my expectations (hopes) and take whatever reaction comes.

I only plan to tell him about being bi/gay and attracted to men. I don't have the guts to tell him my true feelings for him. Besides, telling him would be selfish and make an awkward situation worse. However, I suppose based on my past behavior and/or conversations he may actually put 2 and 2 together, and figure out my feelings on his own.

Does anyone think it's too much of an imposition to ask him NOT to tell his wife about my revelation to him? Telling him is hard enough and I just don't want it getting out of control so that I can come out to other people at my own pace, including his wife, who is also a very close friend of mine.

 

[trawler69]

I think it is important that before you tell him of your Gay feelings, by any method, that you come to terms with the fact that he will not fancy you in a "Gay way" All thoughts of that should be put out of your mind. If you can do that then you may well find that your honesty about your sexuality will deepen your friendship because of the fact that you trusted him enough to come out to him.

I have several friends who wouldn't be as close as they are had I not come out to them. I respect their straightness and they respect my gayness.

When you do find someone to have a relationship with it is great to have friends of either persuasion to support you, in fact they may encourage you and even help you to find your soul mate.

You can't have too many friends and the more you share with them, the more they will share with you and the better friends you will be.

 

[954dude]

Its better to be more personal. Over the phone or in person will be a bigger relief.

 

[Eagle653]

Does anyone think it's too much of an imposition to ask him NOT to tell his wife about my revelation to him? Telling him is hard enough and I just don't want it getting out of control so that I can come out to other people at my own pace, including his wife, who is also a very close friend of mine.

I think it's a reasonable request of yours to keep your confidence for you. Before telling him, trust him enough to do that if that's your wish.

However...there's a school of thought out there that says something like "Don't come out of your closet and put someone else in one." In other words, don't come up and ask the person you're confiding in to keep your secrets for you. Hmmm. I can see that point of view, and respect it, but I've never totally bought into it. At least, not as a blanket rule.

If you'd prefer his wife not know, I think you have a right to make that expectation clear.

On the other matter...I'm really glad you're not going to tell him about your feelings for him. That's a good move.

Good luck with this. Let us know how it all goes!

 

[tallguy297]

Hey BiBlackMan,

Mate... my heart goes out to you. You find yourself in a position that no matter which way you turn you are going to find yourself in between a rock and a hard place.

First... feel proud of the progress you've made in starting to recognize that being happy means no longer lying to yourself and understanding who you are. It takes a lot of courage to admit you have feelings for guys and to reach the point where you want to seek happiness from one is a big step.

However... before you act on these feelings you need to stop... and think. There are a lot of ramifications for you and those around you in your next move.

Your wife.
Your freind.
His wife.
His child.
(your children???)

Mate, theres no way in the world I suggest you put a lid on your feelings and and continue to either lie or cheat... thats just too hard and takes too big a toll.

But you need to consider the impact that your actions may cause.

Telling your friend that you are bi or gay IS something that you should do. Going through this change in your thinking alone can be amazingly hard... and if you are like most people once you set the ball rolling its very hard to want to stop. You'll need the support and freindship of someone that cares for you.

But you need to be very very obvious as to why you are telling him... and you need to be very sure about what path this sets you on and who you tell next. You need to be sure you can seperate your feelings for him from your freindship.

And you need to be ready for his repsonse - because mate, my guess is that as you think he probably wont be gay, but he probably wont keep it to himself either. He must know your wife, and chances are the 2 ladies know each other.

Chances are it will make it back to your wife and probably sooner or later.

BiBlackMan - I admire your courage and your strength. But my advice is to rethink your strategy. You need to do this in a way that gives you complete control over the process and therefore gives you a chance to limit the damage this news does. I'm sorry that sounds so dramatic but the reality is this news affect more than just you.

Talk to your wife... and let the cards fall where they do. I dont know your realtionship... but it seems to me you are ready to act on your feelings and sooner or later this will have to come out. The right time to do this, the time to show her the respect she deserves is now.

Then with the freedom of honesty and knowing where you stand with friends and family you can start to live your life with the freedom and vigor it takes to be happy... not by hiding and lying... and asking others to do the same for you. Thats not fair on them to carry that burden... nor is fair on those you love... but most importantly its not fair on you.

Guilt is a self imposed emotion mate. You need to be free of it on all levels to be happy. And you cant kid yourself out of it... sooner or later you need to be honest so that you can rid yourself of it all together.

That time is now mate... so you can get on with your life.