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Best friend in army
- Thread starter chace1617
- Start date
What is worse being a third wheel and seeing him or staying home being miserable. Spend what ever time you can and not let your pride mess up your time together, Especially if he asks you
chace1617
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now listen what his bitchy girlfriend did! it was a regular day and i was at home and i receive a text message from him ''I admit it i'm gay'' i was shocked at first but then i was like ''yeah right, he's just being stupid'' and i replied ''i knew it!''
after a while he called me and said that his girlfriend sent the message while he was in the bathroom...i know he was telling the truth cause i could hear her laugh.
the thing is that she sent the exact same message to another friend of his...
i was like WTF? why would she do something like that?is it funny embarrassing your boyfriend? what a bitch!
after a while he called me and said that his girlfriend sent the message while he was in the bathroom...i know he was telling the truth cause i could hear her laugh.
the thing is that she sent the exact same message to another friend of his...
i was like WTF? why would she do something like that?is it funny embarrassing your boyfriend? what a bitch!
bw92116
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It sounds like an ugly drama scene is right around the corner.
I would exit, stage left, right now.
To be blunt: Give up on him.
I don't see this as ever turning out good for you.
Don't reply or even do anything; even if you receive a text message from him, you can't be sure he sent it.
What good can this ever be for you?
Just walk away from this whole sorry psychodrama.
I don't mean find someone else immediately.
I mean rediscover yourself first. You've lost your self in this. Your life is about you, not him or her.
You're obsessing over this. You must refocus your thinking from him to you.
I would exit, stage left, right now.
To be blunt: Give up on him.
I don't see this as ever turning out good for you.
Don't reply or even do anything; even if you receive a text message from him, you can't be sure he sent it.
What good can this ever be for you?
Just walk away from this whole sorry psychodrama.
I don't mean find someone else immediately.
I mean rediscover yourself first. You've lost your self in this. Your life is about you, not him or her.
You're obsessing over this. You must refocus your thinking from him to you.
chace1617
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you know what? i think you're right. i am kinda obsessed. i should start thinking more about me then. but how can i remove all these feelings and thoughts off my head? i am kinda losing myself in this.
just try to understand me. i'm 21 and never had an actual relationship with anyone. i need to have that feeling that someone cares about me and i'd love to have someone to care for. as i aforementioned he has all and i mean it, all the qualities i'd like my other half to have. i have fallen in love with a few guys over the years and i always get hurt why can't this change now?
just try to understand me. i'm 21 and never had an actual relationship with anyone. i need to have that feeling that someone cares about me and i'd love to have someone to care for. as i aforementioned he has all and i mean it, all the qualities i'd like my other half to have. i have fallen in love with a few guys over the years and i always get hurt why can't this change now?
bw92116
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We all want to have someone care for us who we care about. That's perfectly normal an natural. I think you have fallen in love with this one guy, but from what you have said I think he's a very poor choice for you. I believe that to "get over him" you will have to spend some time apart from him. How long, I don't know, just long enough that you don't feel like this and you aren't obsessed with him any more. But continued contact with him will just "fan the embers" of your feelings for him, if he does or says anything friendly that can reignite your feelings. Take some time away from him, with no contact whatsoever: no calls, no text, no seeing him, nothing.
During that period of separation from him, you may cry a few times, but that is part of the grieving process for the relationship you want to have with him but can't. Each time you cry you move forward. It's painful but it's a short-lived pain, with a purpose. Hanging on to the dream you have of being with him is also painful, and it goes on forever as long as you continue to hang on to that dream and that hope. After the grieving period, you will feel differently about him and you won't be obsessed with him. From what you have said in this thread, I don't think he's right for you. You deserve to be loved by someone who loves you, likes you, has the hots for you, wants to be with you, and who you feel the same way towards. And I don't see him as that guy.
You should, over time, date many guys until you find one who seems suitable for you. But as far as getting over this one guy, you need to be away from him for a period of time. During that period, re-focus on your own life and what truly makes you happy. No man is ever going to make you happy. You make yourself happy. But having a boyfriend or lover will enhance your happiness and enhance your life; you just can't make your happiness dependent on him. The first step for you is to admit that this is basically a hopeless, and possibly even dangerous, situation for you and that you could get hurt badly by this situation with him. His girlfriend may try to do something to hurt you or damage your friendship with this guy.
You need to remove yourself mentally and emotionally from this, just out of protection for yourself. Don't cling to a ray of hope that he might leave her and be with you. Just admit that it's hopeless, that's a painful, unpleasant thing to do, but it's the first step in getting over him. Go through a grieving period where you cry it out a few times, and during that period, concentrate on your own life, what you need to do and what truly makes you happy. You will regain your sense of self, that you have lost temporarily by falling in love with this guy. Than after you finish that grieving period you will feel a lot better, you will have a better sense of self, and you will look back at this situation and see how much it was wrong for you. I think you will be a lot happier in the long run if you do all this.
Or, you could choose to just remain in it, endlessly hoping that it will get better for you and that he could even be your boyfriend, but I think remaining in it will just be endlessly painful for you. You need to step back from it and decide what is really best for you. You must make your own emotional health and mental stability much more important than just "getting him." Or "getting" anyone, for that matter. At the moment, "getting him" is your #1 priority, while it really belongs down at around #357 in your list of priorities. But you have chosen to put it at #1 and thus it has taken you over, taken over your thinking and your emotions. You need to knock it down from #1 and put it back in its rightful place in your ranking of priorities.
The only real way to do that, in my opinion, is to remove yourself from him, literally have no contact with him for a while, cry it out, replace all this obsessing over him with thinking about your own life and what you want to do, and what will truly make you happy. It will be a transformational period for you and at the end of the period you will feel stronger, healthier and happier. And you will also be free from this obsession with him, and much more open to the possibility of a real and rewarding relationship with another guy. And that will happen eventually, but it's guaranteed to not happen as long as you are so focused on this one guy.
During that period of separation from him, you may cry a few times, but that is part of the grieving process for the relationship you want to have with him but can't. Each time you cry you move forward. It's painful but it's a short-lived pain, with a purpose. Hanging on to the dream you have of being with him is also painful, and it goes on forever as long as you continue to hang on to that dream and that hope. After the grieving period, you will feel differently about him and you won't be obsessed with him. From what you have said in this thread, I don't think he's right for you. You deserve to be loved by someone who loves you, likes you, has the hots for you, wants to be with you, and who you feel the same way towards. And I don't see him as that guy.
You should, over time, date many guys until you find one who seems suitable for you. But as far as getting over this one guy, you need to be away from him for a period of time. During that period, re-focus on your own life and what truly makes you happy. No man is ever going to make you happy. You make yourself happy. But having a boyfriend or lover will enhance your happiness and enhance your life; you just can't make your happiness dependent on him. The first step for you is to admit that this is basically a hopeless, and possibly even dangerous, situation for you and that you could get hurt badly by this situation with him. His girlfriend may try to do something to hurt you or damage your friendship with this guy.
You need to remove yourself mentally and emotionally from this, just out of protection for yourself. Don't cling to a ray of hope that he might leave her and be with you. Just admit that it's hopeless, that's a painful, unpleasant thing to do, but it's the first step in getting over him. Go through a grieving period where you cry it out a few times, and during that period, concentrate on your own life, what you need to do and what truly makes you happy. You will regain your sense of self, that you have lost temporarily by falling in love with this guy. Than after you finish that grieving period you will feel a lot better, you will have a better sense of self, and you will look back at this situation and see how much it was wrong for you. I think you will be a lot happier in the long run if you do all this.
Or, you could choose to just remain in it, endlessly hoping that it will get better for you and that he could even be your boyfriend, but I think remaining in it will just be endlessly painful for you. You need to step back from it and decide what is really best for you. You must make your own emotional health and mental stability much more important than just "getting him." Or "getting" anyone, for that matter. At the moment, "getting him" is your #1 priority, while it really belongs down at around #357 in your list of priorities. But you have chosen to put it at #1 and thus it has taken you over, taken over your thinking and your emotions. You need to knock it down from #1 and put it back in its rightful place in your ranking of priorities.
The only real way to do that, in my opinion, is to remove yourself from him, literally have no contact with him for a while, cry it out, replace all this obsessing over him with thinking about your own life and what you want to do, and what will truly make you happy. It will be a transformational period for you and at the end of the period you will feel stronger, healthier and happier. And you will also be free from this obsession with him, and much more open to the possibility of a real and rewarding relationship with another guy. And that will happen eventually, but it's guaranteed to not happen as long as you are so focused on this one guy.
mcbrion
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And there's always this:
If a person chooses someone who treats him/her badly, they are saying, "I'm not worth much and why would someone with his/her head screwed on straight actually like me? They'd have to be fucked up to like me." (It seems not to occur to them that the other person sees their good traits as well as their not-so-good ones, and can accept them as worthwhile, while realizing that person is not perfect.) (and none of us are, anyway!)
It's called poor self esteem and many, many people choose the person who's awful for them. When they meet someone nice, they run the other way, because they can't handle a genuinely loving person. They say they do, but if you look at their (romantic) history, it tells you otherwise. His girlfriend likely reflects the environment he grew up in (being treated badly) and he's used to it because it's all he knows. He doesn't know healthy love, just something that passes itself off as Love.
If a person chooses someone who treats him/her badly, they are saying, "I'm not worth much and why would someone with his/her head screwed on straight actually like me? They'd have to be fucked up to like me." (It seems not to occur to them that the other person sees their good traits as well as their not-so-good ones, and can accept them as worthwhile, while realizing that person is not perfect.) (and none of us are, anyway!)
It's called poor self esteem and many, many people choose the person who's awful for them. When they meet someone nice, they run the other way, because they can't handle a genuinely loving person. They say they do, but if you look at their (romantic) history, it tells you otherwise. His girlfriend likely reflects the environment he grew up in (being treated badly) and he's used to it because it's all he knows. He doesn't know healthy love, just something that passes itself off as Love.
Scottyboi
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Similar situation in the past - me pinning over a straight friend who had a bitchy gf none of his friends liked. Even worse he had told me that he'd fooled around with guys in the past and didn't see anything wrong with it since he just likes getting off. He also already knew I liked guys.
Long story short - I eventually told him (and this was hard for me) that I was attracted to him but didn't want to lose him as a friend. He told me that he cared about his gf and that nothing was ever going to happen between us (he put it very politely though).
Things were weird for a couple months and we didn't talk much but after that everything went back to normal and we're great friends again. Furthermore I have no idea what in hell I was thinking; I really can't understand why I ever was attracted to him.
My advice - admit to him that you're bi, admit to him that you do find him attractive and that its straining what you'd like to have as a friend good friendship. Let him take it from there. 98% odds he'll not want to do anything with you back but accept that you want to be good friends with him and 2% that he'll fool around with you then or at a later date. Things might be weird for a bit but I think its that separation that helped me get past him so that we could go back to being such great friends.
If you do drift apart, just don't lose his contact # so you can get back in touch later
Long story short - I eventually told him (and this was hard for me) that I was attracted to him but didn't want to lose him as a friend. He told me that he cared about his gf and that nothing was ever going to happen between us (he put it very politely though).
Things were weird for a couple months and we didn't talk much but after that everything went back to normal and we're great friends again. Furthermore I have no idea what in hell I was thinking; I really can't understand why I ever was attracted to him.
My advice - admit to him that you're bi, admit to him that you do find him attractive and that its straining what you'd like to have as a friend good friendship. Let him take it from there. 98% odds he'll not want to do anything with you back but accept that you want to be good friends with him and 2% that he'll fool around with you then or at a later date. Things might be weird for a bit but I think its that separation that helped me get past him so that we could go back to being such great friends.
If you do drift apart, just don't lose his contact # so you can get back in touch later
chace1617
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well guys i did as you suggested i left for a month and we would only talk on the phone once or twice a week. i missed him very much and it was really hard for me being away from him. don't forget that since October we were always together. In April we didn't meet not even once we would only talk in the phone and then in May i was back so our lives were back to normal. in fact the first days i was back we didn't hang out that often but after a few days we became insuperable again. actually i slept at his house last night. we spent all the day together went for coffee and at the shops we had an amazing time. at night we slept in the same bed in his room and even though i was very tired i could sleep. he was sleeping right next to me and i was thinking about him and his girlfriend and how much i love him but i can't do anything about it. plus he was wearing only his underwear and i clearly could see his bulge and i felt awful and a bad person for thinking sexual stuff about him while he was asleep. it's so weird i love being with him but i feel so sad at the same time...
I have been this person. I have been this exact person. Do not even think about it. Whatever happens it's just going to make you miserable. The best you can hope for is that he's curious and so yeah maybe he'll let you give him a blowjob or maybe he'll even fuck you but ultimately this guy is going to marry some girl and you're going to be sad so just don't even bother. I don't mean to be terse but i have been in this exact position and the more you let yourself fall for this guy the harder you're going to get kicked. If you keep this up the best you can hope for is to be his best friend. He'll call you that and you'll be in love with him the whole time and then someday at an airport while you're waiting for a flight to LA he'll tell you that you know him better than anyone and that you mean the world to him. You, like an idiot, will think this is the beginning of some big romantic gesture, but then he'll tell you that someday he wants you to be the best man at his wedding. This will make you want to die basically. So basically you'll have this whole big friendship that's based on the lie of you being his friend and not some sad schmuck who's in love with him. And you'll have this friend who's saying this really nice thing to you and you'll hate it so much that you say you have to go the bathroom but then you'll just find the bar in the airport and do four shots in a row while you try not to cry. I might be projecting a little bit from experience but basically that's what will happen.
MisterMajestic
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Chace...Your Bud is having a healthy sexual relationship with his Girl of 3yrs...Please, please, please don't tell me you havent dated anyone or made Love to anyone because you're waiting on your Straight Bud to come around?
I don't know if I should be Angry at you or Cry for you...
I don't know if I should be Angry at you or Cry for you...
M
muchaluchador
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I think you should just let this one go. If he has any interest in you other than being just friends then it will happen. Don't taint a perfectly good relationship.
Levi1982
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Don't mean to sound like an ass - but you should be doing some soul-searching here. Ask yourself would you still be hanging around him if you knew nothing would happen? Or is the thrill of what-ifs making you hold on? Simpler version - would you be satisfied with just his friendship and nothing else? I agree with muchaluchador. If your answer is no - you need to get out to be fair to him and yourself.
Good luck to you.
Good luck to you.
Everytime I read one of these stories it nearly breaks my heart. What if that would have happened to me? You see, I fell in love at first sight when I was 17. I didn't even know his name when I first laid eyes on him. I made my way over to him and started up a conversation and I was gone. We were inseperable from that moment on for 33 yrs. I didn't even know if he was gay when I first saw him, that came about two weeks later. We had sex that night and I learned he felt the same about me.
I sometimes wonder what would have happened had he not been gay or interested in me. I felt like you do. I was hopelessly in love with him and it would have shattered my heart to pieces. I do know this. If he didn't feel the same I would have had to get away from him. I truely believe I would have been incapable of maintaining just a friendship with him. I also believe it would have eventually killed me should I have tried. I loved him so much I doubt I would have been able to finish my college education constantly pinning over him.
Fortunately for me, we remained deeply in love all those years. Unfortunately, I had my heart shattered anyway 33yrs. later when he passed away suddenly and left me alone and heartbroken. Since you obviously haven't taken others advice to get out asap, I'll add mine. Sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel about him. Get it all out in the open and let the chips fall where they may. You can leave out the part about his bitchy girlfriend, it serves no purpose. Make it solely about you and him. I wouldn't even bring up sex since it really is not the issue. You are in love with this guy pure and simple.
Maybe you are stronger than I was when I was 17 and you can handle a friendship with a guy you are in love with. I'm over 50 now and still believe it serves no purpose to continue to hang around someone I am in love with just for the friendship. That is something you are going to have to decide.
I sometimes wonder what would have happened had he not been gay or interested in me. I felt like you do. I was hopelessly in love with him and it would have shattered my heart to pieces. I do know this. If he didn't feel the same I would have had to get away from him. I truely believe I would have been incapable of maintaining just a friendship with him. I also believe it would have eventually killed me should I have tried. I loved him so much I doubt I would have been able to finish my college education constantly pinning over him.
Fortunately for me, we remained deeply in love all those years. Unfortunately, I had my heart shattered anyway 33yrs. later when he passed away suddenly and left me alone and heartbroken. Since you obviously haven't taken others advice to get out asap, I'll add mine. Sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel about him. Get it all out in the open and let the chips fall where they may. You can leave out the part about his bitchy girlfriend, it serves no purpose. Make it solely about you and him. I wouldn't even bring up sex since it really is not the issue. You are in love with this guy pure and simple.
Maybe you are stronger than I was when I was 17 and you can handle a friendship with a guy you are in love with. I'm over 50 now and still believe it serves no purpose to continue to hang around someone I am in love with just for the friendship. That is something you are going to have to decide.
UnusualSting
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Well the fact that he is in a relationship, even if you don't like this girl, means you shouldn't cross your boundaries, even if he initiates it. Don't be the guy he cheats on his girlfriend with because if he leaves her for you, he will find someone else to cheat on YOU with.
That being said, telling him how you feel will always have that 50/50 chance of you staying friends or drifting apart. So you need to be ready for either or if you tell him the truth. Just tell him only to get it off your chest. Don't tell him if you hope it will make him leave his girlfriend for you. If you do, you could come out disappointed instead of coming out able to breath again.
Also, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors with him and his girlfriend. There is not ONE person who tells anyone EVERYTHING about their relationship. You may be getting and seeing her bitchy side, maybe she has a different sense of humor, and he just vents to you, but that doesn't mean she is a bad person and he has low self esteem. Don't ever bring her up, because chances are he will go tell her what you think about her.
Also, guys have bromances, as dumb as the word sounds, thats what your situation sounds like, a bromance. Don't take his little sexual jokes TOO literally. Some people are able to joke about that stuff. In my family guys slap each other in the ass and grab each other all the time and say sexual things to each other. Doesn't mean we are a family that has incest going on. We are just goofy guys and comfortable around each other. So maybe your friend grew up around this and its natural to him. Him saying he would kiss you doesn't mean its a "HINT" or that he even thinks about actually kissing you. You never know but just never take what he says and run with it.
I know this is hard for you, but while he has a committed relationship it should never get sexual. You need to decide if you want to risk the friendship by telling him, or just let it go. But holding on to someone who's taken is tragic. I have been the guy on BOTH sides. Let me share my experience when friends fall in love with each other.
4 years ago me and this girl became good friends. A year later she tried making moves and me and told me she had strong feelings for me. I turned her down. Fast forward to today and she is married and we are still the best of friends.
Then I met this girl who I was in love with for 2 years. We were best friends and spent every day together. She found out how I felt and became hostile towards me because that's her way of letting it be known a relationship won't happen. It's been almost 2 years and we still haven't spoken a word to each other. And the sad thing is, we both have the same group of friends so I see her a lot. We just pretend the other doesn't exist and I have no feelings for her. We're nothing to each other now.
Then Another friend fell in love with me and we were inseparable too. Me, her, and the second friend I just mentioned above all spent many days together. But I didn't have those feelings for her and when I found out it got awkward. We are still friends, but not as close as we were.
And then I was in love with this girl and she liked me too but one of us got told lies and we never shared our feelings. She has had a boyfriend for 2 years and whenever we hang out he's always there too. So I stopped hanging out with her until my feelings die down. It's been 6 months.
Then there is this guy I like and I found out he had a boyfriend. We remained friends since February and he and his boyfriend broke up in Early May. We still we friends and I never stopped liking him, but I didn't let that stop me from dating and hooking up with other people because I thought it would never happen with this guy. I found out he liked me and was jealous of my hook-ups. We got over that and are still friends. But nothing romantic or sexual has happened between us yet.
My point is everyone handles things differently, and liking a friend who doesn't like you back or is taken is tricky. I have lost friends, drifted, and built stronger friendships with people this has happened with. But life goes on, just know your boundaries, be prepared for the good AND bad outcomes, and do what's best for you. Not the best way to get the guy. Good luck and I hope I helped with my experiences.
That being said, telling him how you feel will always have that 50/50 chance of you staying friends or drifting apart. So you need to be ready for either or if you tell him the truth. Just tell him only to get it off your chest. Don't tell him if you hope it will make him leave his girlfriend for you. If you do, you could come out disappointed instead of coming out able to breath again.
Also, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors with him and his girlfriend. There is not ONE person who tells anyone EVERYTHING about their relationship. You may be getting and seeing her bitchy side, maybe she has a different sense of humor, and he just vents to you, but that doesn't mean she is a bad person and he has low self esteem. Don't ever bring her up, because chances are he will go tell her what you think about her.
Also, guys have bromances, as dumb as the word sounds, thats what your situation sounds like, a bromance. Don't take his little sexual jokes TOO literally. Some people are able to joke about that stuff. In my family guys slap each other in the ass and grab each other all the time and say sexual things to each other. Doesn't mean we are a family that has incest going on. We are just goofy guys and comfortable around each other. So maybe your friend grew up around this and its natural to him. Him saying he would kiss you doesn't mean its a "HINT" or that he even thinks about actually kissing you. You never know but just never take what he says and run with it.
I know this is hard for you, but while he has a committed relationship it should never get sexual. You need to decide if you want to risk the friendship by telling him, or just let it go. But holding on to someone who's taken is tragic. I have been the guy on BOTH sides. Let me share my experience when friends fall in love with each other.
4 years ago me and this girl became good friends. A year later she tried making moves and me and told me she had strong feelings for me. I turned her down. Fast forward to today and she is married and we are still the best of friends.
Then I met this girl who I was in love with for 2 years. We were best friends and spent every day together. She found out how I felt and became hostile towards me because that's her way of letting it be known a relationship won't happen. It's been almost 2 years and we still haven't spoken a word to each other. And the sad thing is, we both have the same group of friends so I see her a lot. We just pretend the other doesn't exist and I have no feelings for her. We're nothing to each other now.
Then Another friend fell in love with me and we were inseparable too. Me, her, and the second friend I just mentioned above all spent many days together. But I didn't have those feelings for her and when I found out it got awkward. We are still friends, but not as close as we were.
And then I was in love with this girl and she liked me too but one of us got told lies and we never shared our feelings. She has had a boyfriend for 2 years and whenever we hang out he's always there too. So I stopped hanging out with her until my feelings die down. It's been 6 months.
Then there is this guy I like and I found out he had a boyfriend. We remained friends since February and he and his boyfriend broke up in Early May. We still we friends and I never stopped liking him, but I didn't let that stop me from dating and hooking up with other people because I thought it would never happen with this guy. I found out he liked me and was jealous of my hook-ups. We got over that and are still friends. But nothing romantic or sexual has happened between us yet.
My point is everyone handles things differently, and liking a friend who doesn't like you back or is taken is tricky. I have lost friends, drifted, and built stronger friendships with people this has happened with. But life goes on, just know your boundaries, be prepared for the good AND bad outcomes, and do what's best for you. Not the best way to get the guy. Good luck and I hope I helped with my experiences.
chace1617
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thank you all for your replies guys. well i'd never risk my friendship with him, i love him too much to lose him. i know deep inside he is happy with her, even though i don't like her, i have just to accept it. i would never ask him to leave her and be with me i'm not that selfish. probably he's str8 100% and having a long term girlfriend helped me not making a move, showing him my feelings and ruin our friendship.
one of you asked me if i have dated someone else or i'm only waiting to have sex with my friend. the answer is no, i haven't dated anyone else or even dated anyone else just because i don't feel like it. if i'd meet a guy that could make me feel like flirting and having sex with him i'd do it. but it just hasn't happened yet. i wish it would.
one of you asked me if i have dated someone else or i'm only waiting to have sex with my friend. the answer is no, i haven't dated anyone else or even dated anyone else just because i don't feel like it. if i'd meet a guy that could make me feel like flirting and having sex with him i'd do it. but it just hasn't happened yet. i wish it would.
Newmercedes
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This is a TRUE LOVE. I admire you
