Best Friend in Love with me

[TheVisitor]

Hello,

First of all I'll tell you that I'm straight. I recently split up with my girlfriend of 4 years and this led to my best mate to come out to me and confess his love for me.

I've known the lad for 16 years since going to school for the first time and he's my best mate by far, we spend a fair amount of time together and know everything about each other.

When he told me I don't think I took it very well, I couldn't really understand what he was saying because I've know him for so long and has kept it so underwraps. I kinda feel guilty about it because I realise I offered pretty much no support to his situation and we haven't seen each other for 3 days.

I found this forum on google and thought I would ask advise from people who have been there and done that, how should I approach the situation with him?

 

[sixthson]

He is still your best mate and you need to tell him that. Put yourself in his place. Imagine how difficult it has been for him not to be able to share this huge part of himself with you all these years. He needs your support and it is likely that one day you will need his. I assume you are telling us you don't reciprocate his feelings, so you need to be upfront, but gentle with him in telling him so.
Don't let much more time pass before dealing with this. Even in the year 2010, it can be incredibly difficult for a gay person to come out to his friends. I realize that you got a double whammy by him telling you he had feelings for you, but you can deal with it. You wouldn't be here if you didn't want to support him.
Be a good friend to him. Friends are not easy to come by.

Go. Now. Talk.

 

[KaraBulut]

I found this forum on google and thought I would ask advise from people who have been there and done that, how should I approach the situation with him?

Pick up the phone. Invite him over for a beer and to talk.

Be honest. Tell him that the double-whammy caught you off guard. Ask him how long he has known he was gay. Ask him what it has been like for him to work through it and what it took for him to come out to you.

Guys always want to fix everything- don't try. Just shutup and listen. You need to hear his story.

When it comes to the discussion about his feelings for you, be honest. Tell him how you feel and what your limits are (you didn't really spell out how you felt about this part of his confession in your post).

Based upon the discussion, talk about where the two of you need to go from there.

If you've never had a gay male friend, it's a bit weird at first- having the blunt conversations that guys have about sex (only about cock and ass instead of tits and ass). But if you have a sense of humor about it all, it's not that difficult.

But understand this- he's been gay the whole time you've been friends. He hasn't changed. He's still the same person, only now he's not hiding part of himself.

 

[HunterM]

You can always tell him to come join this forum for support.

 

[Mstrshake]

I'm not sure about what to tell you, but I do have to commend you for coming here for advice, both for you and for your friend. Shows that you are a good friend.

I would just let him know that these feelings will pass and he will get over you. I've been in his position before. Sometimes it takes a while - but they will go away.

In the meantime, just stay friends. Any respectful gay guy will keep his feelings (and his penis) in check around a straight guy who is clearly not interested. Assuming he respects you (and it would appear he does), I would expect your friendship to continue and hope it does.

 

[SuperPsyze]

The best thing you can do right now is talk to him. I mean, not only will it clear the air, but I bet your friend is a wreck right now. Contact is good. You might not be sure how you feel about the whole thing right now, but you can at least let him know that you won't bash his head in (it's a legitimate concern, really).

Try not to make an intervention out of it, though. Get together and start doing the things you guys usually do. It helps both of you feel like things are okay, that things are still normal. I mean, the truth is, nothing has really changed between the two of you. I'm sure your friend knew that he's lucky to have you around for a long time now. Just make it easy for you two to talk about this casually. If you guys can talk through this, you'll open up a whole new world of honesty (wow, that was a cheesy line. Did I really write that?).

There's really no obligation of you to do anything with this. If you want, you can just ask him for a bit of time to adjust. You can say no, but let him know that he's important to you. You guys can grow this relationship without it being a "relationship".

I'm sure you guys are already more than "just friends". 16 years will do that to you. Good friends, and I mean the really good friends, are 1 in a million. I would be sore if you let this friendship dissolve over something like this. Best friends should make it through thick and thin.

You two will have to work out where you want to take this relationship. Whether you want to just jump in and start dating, or if you just want to be "Best Buds of a lifetime", or maybe something in between, just don't settle for anything less. Heck, my best friend and I have what people would consider equivalent to a "sexless marriage". Just look out for each other, and don't let this whole thing slip through your fingers.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm guessing he is in the closet with everyone. It's the closet, in my opinion, which leads to a rich fantasy life. When it was time for me to come out to my wife, I fantasized that she would confess she was a lesbian. Well, that didn't happen. Your gay friend has confused brotherly love for romantic love. Why? Because it's easier to deal with the known rather than the unknown. Just in case you were gay or bi he was taking the opportunity to help you out of the closet and declare his feelings before you got involved with another romantic partner. He did something brave, yet unsettling.

If it had turned out that you were gay or bi and could return the feelings he'd have the first easy sexual identity break in his life. It's a quite childlike view of romance with a rescue and happy everafter ending. Please don't tell him that, but I offer it as a possible explanation.

Get back to him as soon as possible. Offer him as much support as you can. Let him know he's not alone. I think the worse thing about being gay is the process of coming out to onesself. All alone one has to figure out that they are different from the majority and all the put down banter over fags and queers actually applies to them.

Hopefully you and he can have conversations which normalize what he admitted to you because it is normal for him. Just as a straight guy can admit a crush on a girl that can be returned by being told she doesn't think of him that way, soo, too, can a gay guy say something similar to another guy. As long as he isn't fixated on you he will survive.

I'd encourage him to start meeting gay guys for friendship. There was mention also that you direct him here. A lot if us know where he is coming from.

If you are willing and able do what you can to support him now. Do not accept anything you are not comfortable with. I'm expecting you'll both get past this. I hope you do.

Best wishes.

 

[TheVisitor]

Hey thanks for all the help. Spoke to him yesterday, had to go round to his as he wouldn't answer his phone to me.

Laid all my cards on my line, just spoke the truth and told him I'd give him all the support he needs. I also directed him over to here, so you might have a new visitor at some point. I think were back on track within our friendship.

He said some things that I will take on board, I'm quite a confident person, I like to show off and have a laugh. I'm a naturally flirty fella so I suppose he mistook my jokey flirting for something more.

 

[HunterM]

Good to hear things work out for you guys.

 

[rollex_2000]

This may really sound bad to you but he is going to be torturing himself all the time by fantasizing about you! you should give the guy a real chance and tell him that he can try doing to you anything he wants once.... if you are truly straight you shouldn't even get hard from it or even if you do why would you care.. ) Just make your friend happy.

Either one of the things would happen..

1. you will find out that you actually have been in love with him too
2. you won't get even hard cause you are not into guys, and he won't have a good time and will stop fantasizing about you.. you won't talk for like a week or two and then can resume normal friendship and laugh about your 'intimate' experience
3. you will get hard because you are human anyways but you won't feel guilty anymore because you will know you did something good for him, and he will eventually find somebody else ;)
Good luck...

 

[TheVisitor]

This may really sound bad to you but he is going to be torturing himself all the time by fantasizing about you! you should give the guy a real chance and tell him that he can try doing to you anything he wants once.... if you are truly straight you shouldn't even get hard from it or even if you do why would you care.. ) Just make your friend happy.

Either one of the things would happen..

1. you will find out that you actually have been in love with him too
2. you won't get even hard cause you are not into guys, and he won't have a good time and will stop fantasizing about you.. you won't talk for like a week or two and then can resume normal friendship and laugh about your 'intimate' experience
3. you will get hard because you are human anyways but you won't feel guilty anymore because you will know you did something good for him, and he will eventually find somebody else ;)
Good luck...

Surely this would just mess him up in the head even more so then he already is?

 

[Mstrshake]

Yes, it would. Don't do any of that.

 

[Scottyboi]

don't do anything with him, it'll mess him up even more by thinking he has a chance with you

 

[rollex_2000]

I had an experience with a girl that was madly in love with me and I had no interest in her whatsoever (im bi.. yes i am).
She was a close friend and she implied that she had been feelings for me emotionally and she is attracted to me as well. So I went for it.. .a Complete crappy intimacy and it was over... we resumed talking after a month.. and we are still very close... we are still having a good lough when we recall that incident.. ))

 

[KaraBulut]

Surely this would just mess him up in the head even more so then he already is?

Your instincts are pretty good on this.

 

[HunterM]

This may really sound bad to you but he is going to be torturing himself all the time by fantasizing about you! you should give the guy a real chance and tell him that he can try doing to you anything he wants once.... if you are truly straight you shouldn't even get hard from it or even if you do why would you care.. ) Just make your friend happy.

Either one of the things would happen..

1. you will find out that you actually have been in love with him too
2. you won't get even hard cause you are not into guys, and he won't have a good time and will stop fantasizing about you.. you won't talk for like a week or two and then can resume normal friendship and laugh about your 'intimate' experience
3. you will get hard because you are human anyways but you won't feel guilty anymore because you will know you did something good for him, and he will eventually find somebody else ;)
Good luck...

Hmmm...I wanna be your friend then. Where do I sign up?

 

[heresjohnny]

Hi

I'm the 'best friend', Jimbo recommended me to come and talk to you fellas as he didn't think he'd be much help.

I've struggled with my sexuality for many years, had a few girlfriends but nothing serious because I didn't really want to lead them on. I've had a mega crush on Jimbo for a while and when he split with his girlfriend I thought 'now or never' and told him how I felt. I was optimistic on how he would take it, he is very affectionate and flirty most of the time, so thought there was a chance he might be bi. Still canny gutted he isn't but I value his friendship way too much to let it go because of this so I'm getting over it slowly but surely.

It was quite a good thing in a way anyway, I feel relieved that I've told someone finally and he has been pretty supportive. Still unsure where to go next, I'm not really ready to tell anyone else at the minute but I'm young and feel I'm missing out on a lot by staying in the closet.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, you're missing out on what it feels like to want a guy who wants you back.

So, how old are you? Why does that matter, well, because the situation is very different if you're 18 than it is if you're 30.

 

[heresjohnny]

Yeah, you're missing out on what it feels like to want a guy who wants you back.

So, how old are you? Why does that matter, well, because the situation is very different if you're 18 than it is if you're 30.

I'm only a young'un, just turned 20.

 

[slnattak]

Don't feel guilty (because I don't believe that you do) and don't 'support him' because that just might make it worse. If he has feelings for you and you 'support him' he might take it as more signs that you really like him.

Instead I would say "I'm not into you that way. I'm sorry but I'm not" be firm about it. And refuse to hang out with him if it's clear he's being romantic puppy dog-eyed. I'm sorry but I have 0 respect for straight men sometimes because it's like you actually like it. You like the admiration and the crush and how far you can get along with it. It's this HUGE ego-boost for you. You're not really bothered by it. Just like gay men aren't really bothered by closet cases. They're into the whole drama of it.