Best friend

[matty525]

Hello, newbie here. I need some advice and hope to explain this without confusing anyone. So it is about one year to the day that I came out to my family. This past summer, I also came out to one of my close high school friend, Nancy, because she was friends with someone I was briefly dating. One of my best friends from high school, lets call him Paul, I have not yet told. Since high school, I have always suspected that he was gay but we never addressed the issue. We use to always joke about it together but never acted on it. In the past two years he moved away for a job and I see him less and less but we still would keep in touch and try and see each other every few months.
I saw Paul and all of my high school friends at a wedding this past summer. However, Nancy wasn't there. I saw some of my other high school friends, Sam and Brittney, they both told me that Nancy had told them that I was gay and they wanted to say they were very happy for me. Paul was not around when they were talking to me. I was worried that he was going to find out from them and not me but I got cold feet and never ended up talking to him that night. There was a lot of people around and it just didn't feel right. A few weeks go by and I had plans to meet Paul at his place to meet up with some of his college friends. Everything was fine between us but I didn't feel like it was the right time to talk since his friends were around. I ended up sleeping at his place that night and was awakened by him rubbing up against me in his "sleep." After rubbing up against each other for a while, he rolled over and acted like he just woke up and gave an uncomfortable laugh and went back to sleep. So that just made it more confusing for me, the next day he acted like nothing happened. I guess that would have been a good time to talk to him but, I was laying in his bed, and on the chance he didn't react well to the news that I was gay, then I think things would have gotten awkward. I ended up talking briefly with him another few weeks later to try and make plans but he never got back to me.
Since then he has been home for the holidays and I still haven't heard from him, which is unlike him, so I gave him a call yesterday to see how he was. Once I talked to him, he was very cold towards me and made it pretty clear he didn't want to talk long, also not like him. He mentioned he was free in a few weeks and he would give me a call. I said we really needed to catch up. I would prefer to tell him about me in person but I am thinking the time has past and maybe I should just talk to him over the phone about it. He mentioned on the phone he had recently hung out with Sam and Britney, so I am sure he knows by now that I am out. I am either thinking he is offended that he found out that I was gay from other people, or is uncomfortable with the fact that I am gay, or he is struggling himself to come out. I just don't know how to address it now with him. I was more worried about his reaction since I remained close with him over the years and kind of had a thing going for him. On the other hand if he can't accept me or be comfortable with having a gay friend then I don't want to have him in my life. I know it is pretty obvious that I need to talk to him, but I am wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and how it turned out? Thanks!

 

[Rolyo85]

From the little you said, it sounds like he MIGHT be struggling with his own sexuality, but never had to really confront it. Now that he knows you are gay, and out, and that you were aware of it at the time he was doing the sleepy moves on you, he is faced with the actuality of the fact, "the gay" is a real thing now, instead of a vague concept that can be pushed at the back of his mind and hopefully never addressed.

Either that, or something completely different, as you haven't really told us enough about him to make any educated guesses.

 

[matty525]

I have known him for fifteen years or so. The sleep thing has happened more than once. Also whenever we would catch a movie, his leg would always end up resting against mine at some point during the movie, that never happened with any of my other "straight" friends. He has only had one serious girlfriend, and that was years ago. But he does claim to hook up with girls, but they never work out he says. My friend Nancy said she suspected he was gay more so than me. So I mean maybe you are right he doesn't want to deal with it. I remember his father was homophobic from what I remember so that could be part of it. I was out at a bar with him last year and he was telling me to go hit on a girl and I said to him that I was into guys so I couldn't but he assumed I was joking, I never clarified that I was serious. He didn't say anything when I said that to him. Like I said we would joke around a lot. I started to assume we would "joke" about what was really true, you know truth in jest. He would always say that people probably assumed we were gay when we were out to eat together. When he was away at college, he refused to let me sleep in his queen sized bed next to him and made me sleep on the cold hard floor, and he made sure to leave his bedroom door open. I assumed it was because he didn't want his room mates to think he was gay. I just hope that when I do talk to him that we still have our friendship, because I know deep down he is a good guy, but he probably is having a lot of issues with himself and I think it is causing him to be homophobic and distant.

 

[Rolyo85]

What I suggest is FORCING the communication. This is not an issue that will blow over, it has to be addressed. Also, I would say that it's a good idea to tell him this stuff. Ask him to not talk until you've said your piece, and paint the picture for him. Come out to him in person, regardless of whether people have told him or not. Tell him the options - that he is straight and it's all just a misunderstanding, or that he is gay/bi and maybe doesn't wanna deal with it (which is a sucky way to go through life so you would, of course, support him and help him), etc. DESCRIBE things before he can open his mouth. When you put words in someone's head before they have the chance to form their own, it is easier for them to think those words instead.

Either way, be honest, be open, be supportive and kind, say everything that needs to be said, and be ready to accept that he will not deal and might prefer to break your friendship. Which breaking, btw, will happen regardless of whether you have the talk or not, should he choose that option.

 

[Seasoned]

Have the talk and make it about you coming out to him. One of three things will happen. You'll get closer. You'll break your friendship. Things will stay the same. If not telling him first becomes an issue be honest and explain your thought process and actions. Best wishes.

Welcome to JUB.

 

[KaraBulut]

Reading through this thread, the content doesn't exactly match the title. It sounds like Paul was your best friend back in high school but while you may have a past together, it's not clear that you have a future together.

It is better to be out and honest with people who are important to you. But there's a several complications here- one is that you suspect this guy may be gay, another is that there seems to be an unacknowledged physical attraction between you and your friend and there's the question of whether you're really "best friends" or whether you are just "best friends from high school" who have moved on.

...if he can't accept me or be comfortable with having a gay friend then I don't want to have him in my life.

In the end, this is probably what it comes down to.

 

[chance1]

Seems pretty clear to me that he feels something extra for you - and that he is exhibiting signals of being gay/bi

that if you were to confront him - in a matter of fact but nice manner of course - that it would be well within your bounds - and hopefully provide some answers

warning though - you may not get the answer you want - and you may not get the truth - you have to be prepared for that

that said ........ we can only do what we can do - and your move IMO, is to address it directly

good luck to you and happy holidays

 

[matty525]

Thanks everyone for the replies! I appreciate your advice. I still haven't talked to him. If and when I have a talk with him, I think I am going to focus on me for now. I will first see how he handles me officially coming out to him and then go from there. I should have mentioned this in my first post but when we were at the wedding together, Paul had asked me to step outside to talk away from everyone, I started talking to him about a high school friend asking me at the wedding if I accepted myself and started dating guys. I told Paul that I told this person that I have accepted myself but I left it at that, and then I talked to Paul about how it was kind of rude of this person to ask this so randomly in front of people. Therefore I was indirectly talking about the issue, which I shouldn't have done. I was being vague. Paul just said it was rude and weird of this person to ask this randomly to me. Paul then started talking about hooking up with girls, and I asked him why hasn't he dated any of them long term, Paul made this face and said more or less that it just wasn't working out. I would have told him then but we were suddenly interrupted by someone coming outside and that was the end of our discussion really. We have talked about how his relationships don't work out on many occasions, one time I jokingly suggested it's because they aren't guys and he laughed. But the more I would seriously suggest that he would get uncomfortable. One time, I asked if he went to a gay bar and he bit my head off with disgust and acted like how could I even ask him that. We have been dancing around the issue for years but never address it directly. I have been actively dating men for over a year and it feels very weird to not mention it or talk to him about it when I see him.

If he doesn't handle it well, then I have every intention to cut him out of my life. I have no intention of keeping people like that in my life. This is all if and when he calls me back. He may have also heard from our friends and not want to deal with it and not call me back. If that is the case, then the friendship is already over. I may just be over thinking all of this, but we will see...

@KaraBulut, yes we were best friends in high school, and we did move on, more him than me. I guess my attraction to him made me hope our friendship didn't change. But it has, I don't deny that. It's also kind of strange because in our last conversation we mentioned how a few of our mutual friends have stopped talking but that it just comes with time and growing apart... I guess we were also acknowledging what has happened to our own friendship.

Happy New Year!