Best friends boyfriend...

[StakeMe]

So, I've had this best friend since high school. She is amazing, we've always really connected and i've always known that she was going to accomplish a lot in her life and do something meaningful.
Shes got this new boyfriend, they have been together for 7 months. They talk about getting married and moving out of the city together within the next year and she is talking about taking a course to become a translator and working from home to raise the kids she wants to have with him...needless to say this is not the life I had always envisioned for her and not the potential she has to make a difference in the world which is what she has such a passion for.
Anyway...My friend and her boyfriend as well as another gay friend of mine and another girl from high school are all planning to go out this friday. I recommended this bar that has a gay night that I've been to and has awesome dancing and the DJ actually went to all of our high school. I pitched this idea and it was totally dropped to the side because my friends boyfriend does not feel comfortable going to a gay bar...(this is what my friend told me)
I can't figure out if I should be mad or not. I feel like a real friend would tell their boyfriend to suck it up and come to the gay bar because it was important to me and somewhere that I recommended.
It's rare that I get to go to these events because I don't have many gay friends and it would be nice to go out with my friends and maybe meet a few gay guys as well.
When asked if we could go to the gay bar she said "well is this so you can pick up or is this so we can spend time together?" I said it was both...as most straight people get both of those things everytime they go to a straight bar.

anywho....rant over...

 

[sexualdemon]

If he doesn't feel comfortable with going to a gay bar why should he? Just because you recommended it?

And your talking about the 'life you envisioned for her.' She is the one who chooses how her life will go not you, so if she wants to marry this guy and work from home thats her choice.

 

[altlover85]

So, I've had this best friend since high school. She is amazing, we've always really connected and i've always known that she was going to accomplish a lot in her life and do something meaningful.
Shes got this new boyfriend, they have been together for 7 months. They talk about getting married and moving out of the city together within the next year and she is talking about taking a course to become a translator and working from home to raise the kids she wants to have with him...needless to say this is not the life I had always envisioned for her and not the potential she has to make a difference in the world which is what she has such a passion for.

It's her life though. She will do what she wants regardless of what you may like. Your only choice is whether or not you want to support her or not.

Anyway...My friend and her boyfriend as well as another gay friend of mine and another girl from high school are all planning to go out this friday. I recommended this bar that has a gay night that I've been to and has awesome dancing and the DJ actually went to all of our high school. I pitched this idea and it was totally dropped to the side because my friends boyfriend does not feel comfortable going to a gay bar...(this is what my friend told me)
I can't figure out if I should be mad or not. I feel like a real friend would tell their boyfriend to suck it up and come to the gay bar because it was important to me and somewhere that I recommended.
It's rare that I get to go to these events because I don't have many gay friends and it would be nice to go out with my friends and maybe meet a few gay guys as well.
When asked if we could go to the gay bar she said "well is this so you can pick up or is this so we can spend time together?" I said it was both...as most straight people get both of those things everytime they go to a straight bar.

I can understand you being upset. However, it's not all about you. She may have a homophobic boyfriend, which sucks. Has she been supportive in the past?

You can still go without her. She has a boyfriend and other friends are going with you, so it shouldn't be the end of the world if she doesn't go.

 

[sammy1989]

I can understand where you're coming from with her life going in a different direction than you thought. I felt similar with my best friend. She has all this potential to be really successful, but the guy she has been with for a few years is a total loser. She ends up pregnant, is forced to drop out of nursing school for the time being to take care of her baby. Shes taken on this Housewife role, waiting on him hand and foot and taking care of the baby while he comes home from work and lays around making demands and telling her she doesn't do enough.(I thought a partnership was when two people WORK TOGETHER??) I find it annoying because its not her. Sure its her life, but I know her better than that. She keeps talking about going back to school and what not, but with the relationship she's in at the moment, I don't see it happening if she continues. Unfortunatly, boyfriends tend to change people. Sometimes for the better, or in these cases, maybe for the worse.

 

[JournDude18]

If he doesn't feel comfortable with going to a gay bar why should he? Just because you recommended it?

And your talking about the 'life you envisioned for her.' She is the one who chooses how her life will go not you, so if she wants to marry this guy and work from home thats her choice.

What he means is that he knows she has a lot more potential than that. I don't know her at all or anything, but when us humans fall in love we're stupid. We're so blinded. I was with this guy up until last summer and he kept asking me to stay (I was starting school this fall in LA for film). I almost threw away my lifelong goal. My best friend kept warning me that i was in the wrong, but i would just tell her that she didn't know how i felt and blah blah blah. Now that i'm in school, achieving my goals, i see that she was right. Boy would that have been a stupid move.

 

[altlover85]

What he means is that he knows she has a lot more potential than that. I don't know her at all or anything, but when us humans fall in love we're stupid. We're so blinded. I was with this guy up until last summer and he kept asking me to stay (I was starting school this fall in LA for film). I almost threw away my lifelong goal. My best friend kept warning me that i was in the wrong, but i would just tell her that she didn't know how i felt and blah blah blah. Now that i'm in school, achieving my goals, i see that she was right. Boy would that have been a stupid move.

If you want to make it work long distance though, you will.

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, their relationship is theirs. It's not yours, you're the friend not the boyfriend. Her first priority - no matter how big of an ass you think he is is him. Just like your first priority would be your boyfriend over her.

He doesn't want to go to gay night, well, not many straight men want to go to gay night, that in and of itself doesn't make him a 'phobe - you don't have to go out with them, you can go on your own, or with other people.

Tell her that's fine, you're going to go anyway, and call you when she has some time.

What you'll be the asshole for doing, is demanding that she put you over her relationship.

You wouldn't like it if she did that to you, don't do it to her.

 

[TX-Beau]

By the way, just from experience, you can hang with the straight people all you want, but they're never going to see that you hanging out in straight venues is any kind of sacrifice, because to them it's normal, and them going to the gay bars will always be a much bigger thing, than you going to the straight ones.

Such is life.

Go fucking find some more gay friends.

 

[altlover85]

Go fucking find some more gay friends.

I second this.

 

[KaraBulut]

Your friend is growing up and making the choices that come with that process.

If she doesn't want to go because of her boyfriend's hangups, then that is her choice. You should say, "Sorry- I'd love to have you join us but I understand. We'll just have to do something together at another time.".

But underlying all this is two things- that she misses your friendship and you miss her friendship. You can do something about that or you can make an issue of her boyfriend. That choice is yours.

 

[StakeMe]

I haven't actually made an issue of anything or talked to her about it at all...yet. It's not so much an issue with her boyfriend but an issue with her i guess. She has expressed to me that she doesn't want to feel judged for her relationship, i just don't understand how I am supposed to feel when she won't even consider coming to a gay night at a straight bar because her boyfriend doesn't want to. it's like if i were to
say i didn't feel comfortable going to her boyfriends party because there were to many black people. It's ridiculous...and not acceptable.
I wasn't asking to definitely go to the gay bar it was more of a "it's an option" type of thing and she shot it down straight out of the gates.

I do agree with you TX-Beau, but I don't think thats the way it should be. It hasn't been that way for me up until this incident. I have had straight (males) come to the gay bar with me on several occasions and we all have fun as a group. Obviously there are other girls present but we all have fun.
The thing is I can't just ditch her either, we've been meaning to spend time together because shes never around anymore and never comes out. Not saying it's because of her boyfriend, it's just the way things have gone, shes busy with work, i am up to my eye balls in school work. This is our night to have fun and spend some time together, if i ditched it would send the wrong message.

I suppose it's just frustrating and I expected her to understand me more, she is changing and it's more in the direction of spending less time with me which is hard. I suppose thats just the way life works. I just really hope she doesn't wake up one day as a stay at home mom with three kids and wonder why she never followed her passion instead of going after an idea that never ends up being "the white picket fence" that she so desperately desires.

 

[altlover85]

I haven't actually made an issue of anything or talked to her about it at all...yet. It's not so much an issue with her boyfriend but an issue with her i guess. She has expressed to me that she doesn't want to feel judged for her relationship, i just don't understand how I am supposed to feel when she won't even consider coming to a gay night at a straight bar because her boyfriend doesn't want to. it's like if i were to
say i didn't feel comfortable going to her boyfriends party because there were to many black people. It's ridiculous...and not acceptable.
I wasn't asking to definitely go to the gay bar it was more of a "it's an option" type of thing and she shot it down straight out of the gates.

You aren't in the relationship with her and her boyfriend. If her bf doesn't want to go to the gay bar and she continues to see him and accept his behavior you have to accept that or end the friendship.

I would have a serious talk with her about this and how it makes you feel. Talk to her about your feelings. In the talk try to make it more about how you feel than about her or the boyfriend. You could say things like "I'm really hurt that we can't spend time together. I'd like to go to this bar, but you shot it down. I'm wondering why? Is it possible to for you to go to the bar without your boyfriend?" and see what she says.

I do agree with you TX-Beau, but I don't think thats the way it should be. It hasn't been that way for me up until this incident. I have had straight (males) come to the gay bar with me on several occasions and we all have fun as a group. Obviously there are other girls present but we all have fun.

Again, even though it shouldn't be that way, it is. You need to figure if you want her in your life or not if she won't change on this. I would not do ultimatums unless you really feel you need to.

The thing is I can't just ditch her either, we've been meaning to spend time together because shes never around anymore and never comes out. Not saying it's because of her boyfriend, it's just the way things have gone, shes busy with work, i am up to my eye balls in school work. This is our night to have fun and spend some time together, if i ditched it would send the wrong message.

What message is she sending you by shooting down your idea so quickly?

I suppose it's just frustrating and I expected her to understand me more, she is changing and it's more in the direction of spending less time with me which is hard. I suppose thats just the way life works. I just really hope she doesn't wake up one day as a stay at home mom with three kids and wonder why she never followed her passion instead of going after an idea that never ends up being "the white picket fence" that she so desperately desires.

It sucks when things change and friends make choices that hurt your friendship with them. Unfortunately you can't control if she makes mistakes or if she choose a boyfriend who isn't conducive to the two of you spending time together.

It sounds like the boyfriend is very important to her. He may be more important to her than you. You probably aren't the priority you used to be. That's what happens many times when a friend gets into a serious relationship. If the boyfriend is someone you don't like you may have to learn to accept him or decide that your friendship may have to be less strong than it used to be.

I hope this helps.

 

[Lube]

I haven't actually made an issue of anything or talked to her about it at all...yet. It's not so much an issue with her boyfriend but an issue with her i guess. She has expressed to me that she doesn't want to feel judged for her relationship, i just don't understand how I am supposed to feel when she won't even consider coming to a gay night at a straight bar because her boyfriend doesn't want to. it's like if i were to
say i didn't feel comfortable going to her boyfriends party because there were to many black people. It's ridiculous...and not acceptable.
I wasn't asking to definitely go to the gay bar it was more of a "it's an option" type of thing and she shot it down straight out of the gates.

I do agree with you TX-Beau, but I don't think thats the way it should be. It hasn't been that way for me up until this incident. I have had straight (males) come to the gay bar with me on several occasions and we all have fun as a group. Obviously there are other girls present but we all have fun.
The thing is I can't just ditch her either, we've been meaning to spend time together because shes never around anymore and never comes out. Not saying it's because of her boyfriend, it's just the way things have gone, shes busy with work, i am up to my eye balls in school work. This is our night to have fun and spend some time together, if i ditched it would send the wrong message.

I suppose it's just frustrating and I expected her to understand me more, she is changing and it's more in the direction of spending less time with me which is hard. I suppose thats just the way life works. I just really hope she doesn't wake up one day as a stay at home mom with three kids and wonder why she never followed her passion instead of going after an idea that never ends up being "the white picket fence" that she so desperately desires.

It sounds like you're jealous of her bf.

Back off.

As others have said, he's her first priority.

Talk to her & advise her all you want, but she gets to make the final decision.

What's with gay night at a straight bar, anyway? Is this a small town? Are there no other gay bars?

Nothing wrong with straight friends, but there's a time for straight friends and a time for gay friends. Wanna get laid? Hang out with your gay friends that night. Dragging your straight friends along to gay events is lame.

 

[rareboy]

Drop the jealous act.

Right Now.

It isn't becoming or healthy.

You are on a path to lose more than one good friend at this rate.

 

[KaraBulut]

...I suppose thats just the way life works. I just really hope she doesn't wake up one day as a stay at home mom with three kids and wonder why she never followed her passion instead of going after an idea that never ends up being "the white picket fence" that she so desperately desires.

That is the way life works for most of the people in the world. And for some, that is the very definition of happiness.

You can't change what's going to happen with your friend. What will be, will be.

You can however do things to maintain the friendship, at least for the short term.

 

[JournDude18]

I second this.

Well i kind of agree. once u start hanging out with more gay people it's so much easier to be yourself; ur in an absolutely safe environment, u guys have the same interests, and u can support each other.

 

[StakeMe]

Thanks you to those who wrote some positive feedback. We ended up going to her boyfriends place last night for a movie and it was good. I think perhaps it was more in their element and there wasn't really any tension at all. I kinda realized as KaraBulut said that for this to work I am going to have make some adjustments in my expectations of the friendship and put more of an effort in if i want to be her friend.

On an entirely separate note, yes I need more gay friends. This is not news to me haha It's tough and I'm working on it. Going to try out for a gay sports league this week so hopefully that works out for me.

Thanks all!