Best way to make this secret relationship go public?

[MarquisOrias]

Chat with him.

Ask his reason for not wanting to go public with it, then keep dissecting this down until you find the core reason.


I'm guessing he's probably anxious about the following : being gay, dating his teacher, dating his brother's friend, what people would think of him, possibly thinking maybe people are going to think you lured him especially if you tutored him from pre-18.

Silly thoughts, but you need to find out why.

 

[KaraBulut]

There's a lot of things that are on the line for both of you.

The big question underlying this is one that you haven't answered in your post (probably because you haven't answered it in your head): do you care about him and is this something that has a future?

Most 18 year olds don't have much insight to what it take to date and have a relationship. A 25 year old should.

The two of you do need to have a talk- a "state of the relationship" discussion where you decide whether this is just a FWB or whether you're both willing to make a commitment.

If it's FWB, then it's not worth risking the rifts in family and friend relationships that can happen.

If this is something serious and it's something that you're both willing to commit to, then you both need to come up with a plan for:

1. How he's going to come out to his friends and family. This doesn't necessarily have to happen today or tomorrow but it does need to happen and he needs to think about when he's going to do it.
2. How he's going to tell his family he's dating a 25 year old guy
3. How you're going to clean this up in a way where it doesn't look like you've taken advantage of someone who is much younger and much less experienced than you and who you were previously in a teacher-student type relationship with.
4. How you're going to explain to your friend that you're fucking his brother.

 

[aijalon18]

I'd say let it go. You had a good time but it doesnt seem like the right thing to do. You are at completely different points in your life. He should come out to his family but not like this. NO ONE is gonna be happy about this. He's a Freshmen in college and should safely, experience guys his own age.

And frankly you don't seem that into him. You think he's a hot and you seem to be, on some level, getting off on the fact that you're fucking your friend's little bro. I think you care about him but are not really thinking of what's best for him.

 

[azare II]

If you are both sincire I don't see a problem with it

 

[aijalon18]

Well obviously you're gonna do what you want anyway, but you're not being realistic. They are not gonna see it like whether or not you are a decent person. They're gonna feel like you took advantage of him. And they are not entirely wrong.

Even if you took out the gay thing. Say you were straight and having sex with their 18-year-old daughter, everyone would feel like you took advantage of their little girl and not be understanding.

If you really care about him and his relationship with his family, you will have the respect for them to let him come out as gay first. Then let them know about your relationship after they get a little used to that. It's not fair to spring everything on them at once.

 

[altlover85]

Well obviously you're gonna do what you want anyway, but you're not being realistic. They are not gonna see it like whether or not you are a decent person. They're gonna feel like you took advantage of him. And they are not entirely wrong.

Even if you took out the gay thing. Say you were straight and having sex with their 18-year-old daughter, everyone would feel like you took advantage of their little girl and not be understanding.

If you really care about him and his relationship with his family, you will have the respect for them to let him come out as gay first. Then let them know about your relationship after they get a little used to that. It's not fair to spring everything on them at once.

In an ideal world, yes, you come out first and then reveal the relationship. However, I know personally sometimes a relationship makes it easier (in some ways) for someone to come out. You have a reason to do so and hopefully someone to support you through it should things go south with family.

That said, it puts a lot of strain on a relationship and if you two break up, he's out, but you're not there to support him.

AJordan56, definitely be prepared for anything as far as the family goes. They could turn on you in a second or it could be no big deal.

Here are some questions to ponder.

If you are planning on being together, are you ready to be with an 18 year old who may not have any relationship experience? Are you okay with him possibly leaving you sometime just to get some of the experience that he's missing? Are you going to be paying for things or will he be able to help?

Good luck and I hope everything goes smoothly.

 

[aijalon18]

In an ideal world, yes, you come out first and then reveal the relationship. However, I know personally sometimes a relationship makes it easier (in some ways) for someone to come out. You have a reason to do so and hopefully someone to support you through it should things go south with family.

That said, it puts a lot of strain on a relationship and if you two break up, he's out, but you're not there to support him.

AJordan56, definitely be prepared for anything as far as the family goes. They could turn on you in a second or it could be no big deal.

Here are some questions to ponder.

If you are planning on being together, are you ready to be with an 18 year old who may not have any relationship experience? Are you okay with him possibly leaving you sometime just to get some of the experience that he's missing? Are you going to be paying for things or will he be able to help?

Good luck and I hope everything goes smoothly.

It's not just ideal to come out first. In this case, it would be the right thing to do. If he was some random guy dating the kid sure. But he's a family friend. He owes it to the family to take a step back. This attitude of "we're together, deal with it" is awfully selfish.

As far as the division of funds, he's 18. He is not the financial equal of a 25 year old. Nor she he be expected to be. If you're gonna date an 18 year old you should expect to pay for most things. Usually it is the younger person who is at a power disadvantage. They don't realize how short and fleeting college is. He should be making the most of it.

Plus he prolly should not come out until he is financially independent. You don't know how his family will react to him being gay. It's one thing if they are ok with you. You are not their child. So many people are huge gay supporters until it's one of their own. SO unless you are willing to pay for his college and give him a place to stay, you shouldn't be pushing him to come out.

 

[62624rd]

Let him come out when he is ready . If things turns out to be bad he blame you .

 

[altlover85]

It's not just ideal to come out first. In this case, it would be the right thing to do. If he was some random guy dating the kid sure. But he's a family friend. He owes it to the family to take a step back. This attitude of "we're together, deal with it" is awfully selfish.

As far as the division of funds, he's 18. He is not the financial equal of a 25 year old. Nor she he be expected to be. If you're gonna date an 18 year old you should expect to pay for most things. Usually it is the younger person who is at a power disadvantage. They don't realize how short and fleeting college is. He should be making the most of it.

Plus he prolly should not come out until he is financially independent. You don't know how his family will react to him being gay. It's one thing if they are ok with you. You are not their child. So many people are huge gay supporters until it's one of their own. SO unless you are willing to pay for his college and give him a place to stay, you shouldn't be pushing him to come out.

I'm assuming the tutoring started in January, so calling him a family friend seems like a stretch to me. If this is not correct, let me know AJordan56.

I get that he won't be able to pay for everything and that it won't be equal, but I think the 18 year old should pay for something once in a while.

That said, I thought the last sentence of your last paragraph was spot on, aijalon18. As I said to the OP before, be prepared for any reaction and make sure you're able to support him if things go south.

 

[sixthson]

You waited until you were 24 to come out but for some reason (probably a selfish one) you are pressuring him to come out at 18? Back off and let him grow up a little first.
The decision of when to come out is his, not yours.

 

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

You waited until you were 24 to come out but for some reason (probably a selfish one) you are pressuring him to come out at 18? Back off and let him grow up a little first.
The decision of when to come out is his, not yours.

Well said Sixthson- I don't think I could have said it any better. <3.

"I always found him physically attractive, but not emotionally"
It really seems like you started seeing him for all of the wrong reasons =\, and it really makes me wonder if he's more than a boytoy.

Although, If you really do like him, than you should value his input and decision- Voice your opinion (story) and don't force it on him. Also you should really tell him that you'll be there to support him when he feels comfortable enough to come out may it be a month, a year, 5 years whenever- that is if you really do love him.
If you really care about someone, sometimes you need to learn how to put them first. If you are seeing him because you want something long-term, than there should be no feeling of shame and no rush for him to come out. If you were just using him, than maybe you should have that feeling of shame (discomfort, unease) when you talk to your friend or his family. If your intentions are well thought out- to bring out the best in him, to support him him, to love him, to be with him, to put him before yourself and never do him wrong than I don't see why you should feel uncomfortable or bothered by any of it.

The coming out stage is a process of accepting who you really are and not feeling ashamed for it. All he needs to know that he'll have people to listen and support him whenever he decides to. You forcing him to come out is only going to cause resentment towards you if things go south. If his parents are understanding and do see that you care about him, then I don't think there will be an issue down the line. All it means is that he wasn't at that point of his life he wasn't able to show them that part of his life, he wasn't comfortable with them knowing. It doesn't mean that he didn't value them, it means that he has respect for them, and ideally values what he might think are there values.

"At first he was just a hot piece of ass to me...but I'm starting to fall for him, and I've known for a while he's been head over heels for me."
Have you fallen for him, or are you just starting to? It really seems like you are quite indecisive if you actually like him or not. Which is why I said he might just be a boy toy, and you are caught up in the lust stage of things. Thinking oh this can be nice, maybe. Not exactly, what I want but it feels nice. I think you need to make up your mind. :X

"I've known for a while he's been head over heels for me"
Are you his first dating experience? I'm thinking so.

I would let him come to terms with his sexuality on his own pace. I mean what restrictions do you feel like it has placed on the relationship? Can you deal with them, or are they the dealbreaker?

 

[terps420]

Although 7 years is a pretty significant age difference, I think you should just go along with the "secret" relationship.

I've been on both sides of your problem, but the only thing that I've really learned from either of them is that most guys who are still in the closet are only there because they haven't found the right reason to come out yet. The right reason being someone important and worthwhile to have your entire world change (or your perception of it) for. There are two people in a relationship and only two. You came out at 24, he's only 18. He still has a lot of growing up to do. He's eventually going to come out, and maybe you'll be the catalyst for that. Let him know you'd obviously prefer to be out and open with him, but don't stress it because if you do you might grow to resent him and vice versa. You're still young too. 'Tis better to have loved right? Live in the moment.

 

[texan_slant]

There is the issue with coming out, then there is your relationship.

Coming out is not only a personal process to each individual internally, it is also a process for all loved ones involved. From what you say, assuming that you will be together if/when he does so, your relationship will be part of his process (out of curcumstance).

You have to know that coming out changes someone, so he might come out of this process a completely different person than he was previously - though maybe not.

It can and will change dynamics, and you have to be ready to weather the changes with him, either as a friend, or partner.

Be mentally ready for whatever might happen. If your relationship is strong enough, and it survives, then you will have withstood the test of time - with the right person.

 

[dhchitown1984]

AJordan... about six months ago, at the age of 26, I met a great, fun, adorable, funloving, entertaining, enriching, educated, focused, determined 18 year old. We would fool around some, hang out, and then we had the "talk." Where was this going? I can tell you I was VERY happy to decide to let it go NOWHERE.

There's a few solid reasons why I didn't enter into the relationship, despite the fact that I really wanted to give it a chance....

1) Coming out. This path in and of itself is reason enough (because of the age difference) to let this go. He needs to do this HIS way on HIS terms.

2) College. It's a time to experiement, have a random fun hookup, and meet new people. As someone who is past that point, you are robbing him of the opportunity to do that. His weekends would be tied up with you, or he'll be drunk at a college party sitting in the corner texting you with "OMG miss you babyyyyy" instead of dancing and partying with his peers.

3). You're both gay. Shouldnt' be an issue, but it is because of how our society (at least so what I've been exposed too), will react. There is a BIG misconception with some people that homosexuality = pedophilia. Dating an 18 year old, while completely acceptable within the eyes of the law, would be perceived very negatively by YOUR peers. Sure, there may be the "high five! you're banging an 18-year old" with your buddies, but your family and other people in your life will feel differently. They're perceptions may change, and they may judge you. They shouldn't, and their opinions shouldn't matter, but THIS is not the quality you want people to whisper about you behind your back. The "robbing the cradle" jokes would get old quickly.

4) Personal growth. The kid was just able to start buying scratch off lottery tickets. He can't go to bars, he can't go to a nightclub. Sure, I'm not saying that every date would have to be in a bar, but you'd have to give up a significant portion of YOUR life as you've known it for the past four years in order to make this work. Remember also, if he invites you to his college parties since he can't get to a bar.... guess who the creepy old dude is....

 

[hungrybrownbear]

He came to my place for lunch today and I pretty much took some of your advice. I apologized for giving him the impression that I was trying to pressure him. I told him to do whatever makes him happy and to come out whenever he's ready, and that I'll be there to help him out when he decides to. He said he wants me to be happy too, and he'd still be willing to make our relationship public if I really want it to be. I told him I don't mind waiting.

Well that's great......

AJordan... about six months ago, at the age of 26, I met a great, fun, adorable, funloving, entertaining, enriching, educated, focused, determined 18 year old. We would fool around some, hang out, and then we had the "talk." Where was this going? I can tell you I was VERY happy to decide to let it go NOWHERE.

There's a few solid reasons why I didn't enter into the relationship, despite the fact that I really wanted to give it a chance....

2) College. It's a time to experiement, have a random fun hookup, and meet new people. As someone who is past that point, you are robbing him of the opportunity to do that. His weekends would be tied up with you, or he'll be drunk at a college party sitting in the corner texting you with "OMG miss you babyyyyy" instead of dancing and partying with his peers.

Incorrect. Having quality time with the man you love is much better than any emotionless hookup that you might get at a college party. The reason why you need to experiment as a college kid is because you're unsure of yourself. Someone who is "entertaining, enriching, educated, focused, determined" does not sound like a guy who would be hampered at all by a boyfriend at that age. People get married in their late teens all the time.

I settled down half an year after 18 and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Spending weekends being "tied up" with him is MUCH more desirable, fun, and definitely safer. And yes, I still go to college parties.

 

[Southwest85]

There's a few solid reasons why I didn't enter into the relationship, despite the fact that I really Yowanted to give it a chance....

Excellent reasoning for many people considering a relationship with an 18-year-old. However, in fairness, a fair number of 18-year-olds are hombodies. And many are simply attracted to older guys (ranging from all spectrums, from boys seeking daddies to more mature teens who don't relate to their peers & are seeking somebody a few years older to mingle with). Not all college students party hard and most are capable of balancing a relationship - especially if they commute to school as the OP's friend seems to.