Better to Have Loved and Lost?

[PlayingwithChance]

Over the last 8 months, I've gone through a lot in my life. I pulled myself out of my first relationship, it was 4 years long.

Dated a guy here, got rejected.

Slept with various guys, sometimes good, sometimes bad. Many times got stood up, or simply one-night-standed.

Tried to date another guy, got stood up, lied to, avoided, hurt.

It's been one disappointment and rejection after the other, and it certainly has been exhausting for my heart and soul.

So, recently, this one amazing guy in a city 8 hours away got to chatting with me, and wanted to fly up here for a weekend. Meteor shower gazing, wine, a date (he gets to fly wherever he wants since he works for an airline company).

We agreed to have it in December.

So tonight, I just told him it probably isn't a good idea. I explained that he's far away, and I'm not looking for just a one weekend fling, and that he's so amazing... and I'd get attached easily because of it.

In other words, I've decided not to put myself in a situation where I know I'm going to get hurt... again. I've subjected myself to attempt after attempt, convincing myself that I'll eventually find something right... but I've just gotten burnt and hurt in the process. So, I decided to just call it quits, wait until I get back to my home city of Vancouver (I get back in December), and then just let things fall into place then.

Was I wrong to just give up, to not even try?

 

[nautiboyjeff]

PlayingwithChance, you are 21 years old, you are going to have your heart hurt many more times in the future, you have yet to feel true love, but that's all in your future and it's a bright future IF you take chances! I read at about age 21-22 and it was a book of interviews with senior citizens. When asked "what do you wish you would have done differently", consistently they all wished they would have taken more chances or risked more!

If you stop risking, you stop trying then you are a FAILURE. But as long as you keep trying you are never failing. This relationship could be like all the rest OR this relationship could be the one that changes the DIRECTION of your life. You would never know if you don't try it. I don't believe there is just one person for everyone, but I believe there are people that are better for you and you should grab on to someone who excites you so much and you excite them so much.

If you give up now, you will give up on many relationships. And I have been with my partner for 10 1/2 years and I can tell you success in a relationship has NOTHING to getting hurt - because you will get hurt by the one you love. You have to decide to stay together when you don't want to and you use the feelings and excitement you have now, to get you through those tough times.

Call him and tell him your being a flake and you should take it until the logical end!

 

[KaraBulut]

Was I wrong to just give up, to not even try?

Yes.

Because you didn't win the last game, you're going to take your toys and go home?

It's been one disappointment and rejection after the other, and it certainly has been exhausting for my heart and soul.

50% of this is the other guys, 50% is the choices that you made.

Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. It's the way it is. It's unrealistic to believe that every relationship is going to be fantastic. It's not a reasonable expectation to have perfect relationships with imperfect people.

If this guy is a nice guy, you should give him a chance. But you've got to have a more realistic attitude about relationships and people.

 

[vamp]

You should have went ahead with it. It's better to try than to sit still and ask what if. You're young, you're bound to have times that will hurt you, but at least your trying. Keep trying. You will find the right guy eventually.

 

[PlayingwithChance]

If you didn't feel like it was going to work out, you had legitimate reasons.

Thank you!!! lol (thanks to everyone else too, of course)

But yeah... it's just that, I got the vibe that he thinks I'm attractive, but he's super cautious and isn't showing any significant interest or high enthusiasm beyond that. Which is reasonable - he's never met me.

But yeah, I didn't want to take the risk unless I felt like this guy was really excited about it, and excited about me. Talking more with him, he's very cautious, because he's also been hurt a lot.

So yeah, I just felt like it would be an uphill battle for me, and I don't think I have that much strength at this point in time - I need someone to chase me for a change, you know? At least, that's how it'll be for a few months until I heal up.

 

[bayern20]

Being a few years older then you, I'll give you some advice.

There are two keys in all of this that can keep your confidence up and your hope.

I think a huge part in this is approach. I use to flirt with guys early on, made sex jokes, and done things which suggested I might want that, but that was me being silly and making crude jokes. Somebody who doesn't know me assumes I'm a slut but I am totally the opposite of that. So in those cases, I directly got myself into that, and then wondered later why I met guys who just seem to want sex.
I think a huge part of why I did that to start was my confidence. Sure it was part of my personality to flirt but at the same time I might have felt that people thought I was more "cool" by doing that.

So, one, its important to ask yourself if you are actually projecting what you actually want to other guys. And the internet, and online chats to begin, can make it very difficult
to sometimes make guys understand what you really want and what you are all about.

I think the other thing is, sometimes you have a shot to create something with someone, but you actually reject THEM, and then make it out that they rejected YOU, since it didn't happen the exact way you planned it.

I remember in one instance, this guy was so patient with me, so nice, caring, sexy and I had great fun with him. It was exactly how I wanted guys to be with me. I needed them to be patient because I was new to being gay and felt uncomfortable. I needed them to be nice and show me they loved me. He complimented me and I felt great. But the issue in my head was that I expected him to just say "do you want to me my bf". You see, in my world, I couldn't understand how things can work so well, for the person to seem so into you and not want that right away. So I basically got mad at one point and just said I didn't want to see him anymore. It seemed he was slowly working up to sex. That is how I viewed it. So I felt I was getting taken advantage of.

The point is though, you realize that sex is an important part of what goes into creating a relationship with someone. I mean, that is in essence what completes it. If its a great experience, chances are its almost a confirmation that you are meant to be together.

But even more-so, the journey is what its all about. Those moments are what will make you closer and will make that person eventually say "do you want to be more." For some reason I felt it should be automatic. Ie We are having fun, what are you waiting for?

So if someone is being patient with you, and once to actually see you again, get the negativity out of your head just because its not going exactly how you think it should go.

 

[bayern20]

And the rejection part, that has happened to all of us.

Funny part IMO, I have always been rejected by guys who I thought were less attractive overall. While the better looking guys (IMO), always wanted sex or it went better.