BF had sex with his friends.

[KaraBulut]

"We used to be lovers, now we're just friends," is not going to work for a lot of reasonable people with no self esteem issues, no control issues, etc.

OP hasn't returned to comment but it is true that self-esteem is often a factor. But his underlying question hasn't been answered- "Is it normal for a gay man to be surrounded by friends, half of whom he's slept with?".

And old habits die hard. Who knows whether it is OP's insecurity or whether he has reason to be insecure about the relationship?

 

[LiberoK]

Of course, if someone is in a committed relationship, there should be commitment. But just because the OP slept with some of his friends does not mean that those friendships cannot be presently platonic. Nor does it mean that by keeping these friendships, he cannot be committed to the OP.

The OP said, "I hope very soon it won't bother me because what's in the past should be in the past," yet he is wallowing in the past himself and is using his boyfriend's sexual history against him to cut ties with his friends.

Red flag.

 

[LuckysRevenge]

Of course, if someone is in a committed relationship, there should be commitment. But just because the OP slept with some of his friends does not mean that those friendships cannot be presently platonic. Nor does it mean that by keeping these friendships, he cannot be committed to the OP.

The OP said, "I hope very soon it won't bother me because what's in the past should be in the past," yet he is wallowing in the past himself and is using his boyfriend's sexual history against him to cut ties with his friends.

Red flag.

It really depends on the guy... I know what everyone is saying. But it can be complicated which is why I held back from responding.

OP, it can't be an automatic "You can't be friends with anyone you had sex with." What is the nature of their friendship? Do they go out together as a group? Have you gone out with them? Are they close friends or just acquaintances?

I have friends I have had sex with. But honestly? Not all of them are friends I should keep around in my next serious dating experiences. There are "friends" who are around because they think you're sexually attractive and would jump your bones at the next opportunity no matter what. And there are friends who you have had a sexual or romantic experience with but with whom you have now moved on to a new phase of friendship that is strictly platonic no matter the relationship status.

I also know people who have friends they've been sexual with in the past and don't cheat with... but they are flirty with on the low.

It's a fine line and really depends on your relationship. I think you also have to get to a particular point in a relationship where you are calling those shots. If a guy 1month in is telling me he doesnt want me socializing with certain people.. I'd be seriously turned off.
Hopefully this makes sense.

 

[Georgiadude]

sorry but I think it was totally out of line to make him ditch his friends. I wonder what other parts of his life you have taken control of. I would have told you to take a walk. I agree with what TX said. you don't trust him so you gave him a terrible choice. consider yourself lucky to still have him.

Steven

 

[eastofeden]

I had sex with a lot of my friends...we became friends after we had sex...not the other way around....

Believe me when I say...they are NOT and never were a threat to anyone....

The fact that he told you indicates you can trust him.

I think you might feel guilty now because you know you made a mistake. Your actions might ultimately cost you your relationship.

Maybe you should take a closer look at why now...a year later...you feel guilty?

 

[TX-Beau]

Okay more specific then: it is not a self esteem issue if you want your partner to cut ties with anyone with whom he has a past sexual history.

"We used to be lovers, now we're just friends," is not going to work for a lot of reasonable people with no self esteem issues, no control issues, etc.

Why is it reasonable to tell your partner to get rid of friends you know he's not going to have affairs with because you trust him? Control issues are usually also self-esteem issues. I will contend that if one is that insecure over guys in one's partner's past, that isn't reasonable unless there is some kind of evidence there is cheating, and then, the problem, is with the partner, not his friends.

With the exact same "reasonable" argument one needs to keep him from making any attractive new friends, associating with attractive men at work, and forbidding any situation where there might be temptation - because you know he's slept with attractive men before and well...

Some people may find it less anxiety inducing to control (see there it is) their partners social life, and some guys will probably put up with it depending on how severe it gets; but in no context is there a case for irrational fears about one's partner's past being a reasonable excuse for forcing him to give up friends with ultimatums, that screams insecurity.

 

[TX-Beau]

I'll also say that like eastofeden, I slept with guys who later became friends, some were fuckbuddies for awhile, some were one nighters, I also slept with men who disappeared into the mist, none of these guys was ever a threat to the guys I actually dated. I didn't ever start a relationship just to get sex. There was always some other reason I chose the guys that I did, and while some were bad decisions and some weren't, at no point would it have been OK for the guy to tell me to cut ties with people in my life because he didn't like that I'd slept with them.

 

[UnusualSting]

Everyone is entitled their opinions and I appreciate your responses. Allow me to go into further detail. When my boyfriend told me about his hookups with friends, I was ok with it. And little by little certain things would occur that made me uneasy about the situation. Not that it matters but I'll point out there is a total of 9 guys here, that I can think of. One of them, my bf never introduced me to and stopped talking to him when we got together and it was my bf's decision, he told me that said friend is always disrespectful of his relationships and that was that. So now we are down to 8 guys. The ones I told him to cut ties with. One of them was hanging out with my boyfriend one night, I wasn't there, and he came on to my bf and tried to kiss him and get him to break up with me. Then turned around the next day and tried to befriend me. I liked him so I befriended him and I thought it was odd my bf stopped talking to him. Eventually, months later, my bf came clean and told me why he ended their friendship. When I confronted the same friend he told me the same story, and me and my bf worked out the issue of telling me so late. It's wrong for me to blame his other friends but this is where I became distrustful of them also as time went on. I had come to find out another was sending my bf naked photos right before we got together and trying to arrange a hook up. So I wasn't sure about his intentions. Another would tell my bf he had sexual dreams about him. And another one said something disrespectful and my bf ended that friendship. Anyway this was just making me feel uneasy and I never had to deal with this before, and I grew tired of the arguments so I told him, me or them, and he chose me. And I asked him if he was sure and he said yes. I later come to find out a couple more of these guys were just acquaintances and not longterm friends. But for the friends I guess I do feel guilty. It's his choice ultimately who he wants in his life and I even took back the ultimatum. However he and one of the friends he rekindled the friendship with flirted with each other and I gave him the ultimatum again, and here we are a year later, happier than we've been. I am feeling like I should tell him to be friends with whoever he wants, but cut ties with the ones who don't respect boundaries, I think that's only fair. But I just don't want to go back down that road again if it hasn't been an issue for so long. So that's why I was curious to see how others who have been in this situation have handled it, not to follow what they would do, but to relate. And for the record, the appearance of his friends never bothered me because he still to this day has a couple very good looking friends. I don't feel insecure when it comes to that. And I don't take issue when he hangs out with gay guys that are his friends that have been only that. I just became uncomfortable with the ones who he was intimate with.

 

[UnusualSting]

And another thing. We both view sex differently. I see it as something more than just a recreational thing. He admitted sometimes he and his friends would get bored and fuck. So we agree to disagree. Also, he doesn't want an open relationship, so IDK where that idea came from. And thanks to the people who are understanding and giving me constructive criticism, I appreciate it.

 

[UnusualSting]

I also forgot to mention another of the friends is in their own relationship and cheats on his bf with all the time, so if he doesn't respect his own relationship O don't feel right having him around mine given the history.

 

[KaraBulut]

...he doesn't want an open relationship, so IDK where that idea came from. And thanks to the people who are understanding and giving me constructive criticism, I appreciate it.

In the opening post, it's difficult to tell whether this is a case of a boyfriend with a past or whether this is an ongoing thing. There are other posts on this forum from people who discovered that their boyfriend was in an "open relationship" even though the poster had been under the impression that they were "monogamous".

If your boyfriend is ending friendships with people who don't respect your relationship and the terms of your relationship (i.e. monogamy), then that is a good sign. And it should be on his shoulders to make the line clear with his friends.

...We both view sex differently. I see it as something more than just a recreational thing. He admitted sometimes he and his friends would get bored and fuck. So we agree to disagree.

There's that verb tense thing again- everything in the quote above is present tense.

Everyone has a past. But it's also difficult to be in an adult relationship if you're still hanging out with your single/party friends. Hopefully, he's ready to settle down and let go of some of the recreational sex past.... at least if he's serious about being in a monogamous relationship?

Do you have a reason to be uneasy? Perhaps. But the question is still whether your mistrust is of the friends... or of your boyfriend... it's hard to tell.

 

[LuckysRevenge]

Everyone is entitled their opinions and I appreciate your responses. Allow me to go into further detail. When my boyfriend told me about his hookups with friends, I was ok with it. And little by little certain things would occur that made me uneasy about the situation. Not that it matters but I'll point out there is a total of 9 guys here, that I can think of. One of them, my bf never introduced me to and stopped talking to him when we got together and it was my bf's decision, he told me that said friend is always disrespectful of his relationships and that was that. So now we are down to 8 guys. The ones I told him to cut ties with. One of them was hanging out with my boyfriend one night, I wasn't there, and he came on to my bf and tried to kiss him and get him to break up with me. Then turned around the next day and tried to befriend me. I liked him so I befriended him and I thought it was odd my bf stopped talking to him. Eventually, months later, my bf came clean and told me why he ended their friendship. When I confronted the same friend he told me the same story, and me and my bf worked out the issue of telling me so late. It's wrong for me to blame his other friends but this is where I became distrustful of them also as time went on. I had come to find out another was sending my bf naked photos right before we got together and trying to arrange a hook up. So I wasn't sure about his intentions. Another would tell my bf he had sexual dreams about him. And another one said something disrespectful and my bf ended that friendship. Anyway this was just making me feel uneasy and I never had to deal with this before, and I grew tired of the arguments so I told him, me or them, and he chose me. And I asked him if he was sure and he said yes. I later come to find out a couple more of these guys were just acquaintances and not longterm friends. But for the friends I guess I do feel guilty. It's his choice ultimately who he wants in his life and I even took back the ultimatum. However he and one of the friends he rekindled the friendship with flirted with each other and I gave him the ultimatum again, and here we are a year later, happier than we've been. I am feeling like I should tell him to be friends with whoever he wants, but cut ties with the ones who don't respect boundaries, I think that's only fair. But I just don't want to go back down that road again if it hasn't been an issue for so long. So that's why I was curious to see how others who have been in this situation have handled it, not to follow what they would do, but to relate. And for the record, the appearance of his friends never bothered me because he still to this day has a couple very good looking friends. I don't feel insecure when it comes to that. And I don't take issue when he hangs out with gay guys that are his friends that have been only that. I just became uncomfortable with the ones who he was intimate with.

Don't feel guilty. I think this is just something you and your bf need to work out. I'm glad it's going well. I think my post above rings true.

It depends on how well you know your bf and how open and honest you both are.

 

[dereperez]

I had sex with a lot of my friends...we became friends after we had sex...not the other way around....

Believe me when I say...they are NOT and never were a threat to anyone....

The fact that he told you indicates you can trust him.

I think you might feel guilty now because you know you made a mistake. Your actions might ultimately cost you your relationship.

Maybe you should take a closer look at why now...a year later...you feel guilty?

I had sex with some of my friends before we became close friends as well. You get to really know someone on an intimate left and that was a big connection point. And to this day they are still some great fucking friends, pardon the pun.

 

[wilecoyote]

Relationships can be complicated and we can all come at the same issue with very different ideas and opinions. I think it's great if you both have open communication. I respect your beliefs. If I or my BF felt one of our friends was disrespecting one of us or our relationship, we would definitely discuss it. I wouldn't always consider it a symptom of jealousy or insecurity. We trust each other and would work through something that is bothering one of us. In our case, we do have the occasional threesome. Although we don't have trust or insecurity issues, there's been times where a buddy has tried to hook up with only one of us when he knows not to do that as we always play as a couple. The friend not only gets turned down, but if it's up to me, hooking up with us won't happen again. My BF is more chill about it, but if I say no to being the guy's friend, my BF respects my decision, as I would his opinion. My BF may persuade me if I misunderstood something. Point is, we discuss things.

So, all I always say is communicate.

Everyone is entitled their opinions and I appreciate your responses. Allow me to go into further detail. When my boyfriend told me about his hookups with friends, I was ok with it. And little by little certain things would occur that made me uneasy about the situation. Not that it matters but I'll point out there is a total of 9 guys here, that I can think of. One of them, my bf never introduced me to and stopped talking to him when we got together and it was my bf's decision, he told me that said friend is always disrespectful of his relationships and that was that. So now we are down to 8 guys. The ones I told him to cut ties with. One of them was hanging out with my boyfriend one night, I wasn't there, and he came on to my bf and tried to kiss him and get him to break up with me. Then turned around the next day and tried to befriend me. I liked him so I befriended him and I thought it was odd my bf stopped talking to him. Eventually, months later, my bf came clean and told me why he ended their friendship. When I confronted the same friend he told me the same story, and me and my bf worked out the issue of telling me so late. It's wrong for me to blame his other friends but this is where I became distrustful of them also as time went on. I had come to find out another was sending my bf naked photos right before we got together and trying to arrange a hook up. So I wasn't sure about his intentions. Another would tell my bf he had sexual dreams about him. And another one said something disrespectful and my bf ended that friendship. Anyway this was just making me feel uneasy and I never had to deal with this before, and I grew tired of the arguments so I told him, me or them, and he chose me. And I asked him if he was sure and he said yes. I later come to find out a couple more of these guys were just acquaintances and not longterm friends. But for the friends I guess I do feel guilty. It's his choice ultimately who he wants in his life and I even took back the ultimatum. However he and one of the friends he rekindled the friendship with flirted with each other and I gave him the ultimatum again, and here we are a year later, happier than we've been. I am feeling like I should tell him to be friends with whoever he wants, but cut ties with the ones who don't respect boundaries, I think that's only fair. But I just don't want to go back down that road again if it hasn't been an issue for so long. So that's why I was curious to see how others who have been in this situation have handled it, not to follow what they would do, but to relate. And for the record, the appearance of his friends never bothered me because he still to this day has a couple very good looking friends. I don't feel insecure when it comes to that. And I don't take issue when he hangs out with gay guys that are his friends that have been only that. I just became uncomfortable with the ones who he was intimate with.