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BF in the Closet Still

L

LushPuppy

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Hi All

Long story short.. my BF and I have been dating for 8 months now. When we met we were both in the closet to our friends and family so we kept it secret. Now fast forward to today and I'm out to all of my friends and family (have been for 3 months now) but he still hasn't come out to his. It's getting frustrating to have to deal with the constant sneaking around when we want to go out etc. He has 2 other roommates that still don't know and they think he is always over at his Parents house.

Should I just wait until he does? Is there something I can do to push him along? I love em to death and I don't want to it to seem like it HAS to happen. As much as I want it to..

ugh

Thanks for listening.
 
This is his choice to make. However, you can be an active participant, a passive one, or not play at all. I'd encourage him to come out, by showing how much easier and happier your life is now. (It is, isn't it?) If he still has no interest in coming out, it'll be up to you to decide whether or not he's worth sneaking around for.

Lex
 
Lush,

If anything, do NOT push him along. This is something he has to do in his own time like you did. Unfortunately, you have to decide how much you are willing to deal with the sneaking around. If you truly want to be with him and have that level of patience, then you will have to accept this about him along with all his other faults and qualities. I have walked in your shoes and unfortunately have found the experience to negatively impact my own happiness. I now have a rule that my BFs cannot be more closeted than I, because it only counters the efforts I have personally made. My present BF is more out that I am even today, but because of him (and JUB) I have learned (and still learning) to come out more.

Not to say this would also be you ... but just to let you know that you have to figure out how much you can continue to digest without changing him yourself. Maybe by being his role model he may eventually see it's not so bad.
 
you can encourage him till the cows come home, but ultimately it will be his decision to strike out or stay in.

the big question is how much are you willing to bear?

best of luck!
 
You've been given some great advice here that I will echo

You can hold the door open for him but, ultimately he is the one who has to walk through it. The way I see it you both have some decisions to make - he whether or not to take the leap and you need to decide if you love him enough to wait

Good luck
 
--O2-- said:
It's been three months. I've seen pizza deliverys take longer.
Click to expand...

:rotflmao:

Oh I don't know why but that's too funny...I gotta use that sometime! :D


To stress what the others have already stated. You can lead a horse to water but you can't force him to drink. Do you really want to break up with such a good guy over the stupid closet thingy?? Patience my friend...all good things come to those who wait.
 
Thanks everyone for the responses and guidance. I love him to much to push him away so I will just have to keep drinking tall glasses of clam-the-fuck-down. Your right, I can only do so much and in the end it is up to him (which is what I want.)

And.. fire that pizza delivery.. jesus? where do you live for 3 months? LOL Alaska? :)

:gogirl:
 
IT is up to him, you can be his support system but when it comes down to it, he's the only one that can make that choice. All you can do is be there for him
 
In the end, it's his path and his choice. If he can't ever bring himself to do it, even with your support (but not your pushiness), and it's too much for you, then you may have to let him go.

But just understand his situation and support him until he's ready to come out.
 
just an update:

My BF is still in the closet and we've talked about him "coming out".. a few times now. he is just scared his long-time roommates will reject him (I think they already know though)..

In any case, I'm being supportive and not pushing at all. Luckily he has come to me for advice, comfort and knows I respect his decision to or not to.

For me.. its still a bit frustration having to sneak around it seems like. We talk like were married yet no one knows..

Is it always like this?... (this question goes to those who are in relationships and are closeted) Do you ever get the feeling it's really nothing? like if you were to get in a car crash your one love couldn't come see you because no one knows him? or would he even know?
 
well I told him about a dream I had... (the car example).. that I got in a car crash on the way to work in the morning and I asked him how would he know about me?

I won't be an asshole though - im a sucker too.. but I love him :)
 
well dude im in a similar situation and all i ever do when i kind off get upset is just think about how hard it was for me to come out, you need to think that he might fear rejection. nobody knows exactly how their parents will react or how your friendships will change
 
"My" Kev, and I, come from VERY Different backgrounds!

He is from a huge Irish Catholic family, has an older Gay Brother, and has basically been "Out" all of his life! (Partly due to "rebellion".) And, he's NEVER had sex with a female! He's also #4 of 8, (5 girls, 3 boys) and helped raise his younger siblings after his Mother's death when he was 16!

I'm from a fairly conservative, "known" Protestant Family. The first male, in several generations of my "Branch", that did not go into The Church! Yep! A "Preacher's Kid" from a long line of Ministers! The "PUBLIC Image" was tantamount!! I fulfilled my "role" as a popular (read "known", [Too Well Known]) "Str8" Guy, and was fairly "successful" with "The Ladies", thoughout my teens and twenties. I'm the oldest of 3 (2 sisters). My "sense" of "Public Reaction" is nearly "in-born"!!

When we met, "My" Kev was as far OUT of the Closet as I was IN!!! #-o](*,)

Did that prove to be a "Problem"? At times ... You Betcha!!! I was so "On Edge" that my relationship with Him would become Obvious ... even to Strangers ... and He was so Oblivious to the "Implications" ... :eek::help:

At times ... He would take "Offense" that I was purposefully, actively, "avoiding" Him, in PUBLIC (which I, innately, was) ... and, yet, He was being so "Blatant", from my perspective, about our relationship, that wasn't Anyone's Business ...

Yeah! We've had our "Moments" over the years ... as much as I tried to convince Him that it wasn't about US, but, rather, about "THEM"!

But ... He was exceedingly Patient with Me! He never really "Pushed" me! And, because of that, we're still together after, nearly, 25yr.! (group)

My point is ... grant Your Love the Space that He feels He needs when it come to PUBLIC contact! What's more Important? What you have with Each Other? ... or ... what "Everybody Else" thinks about it?? :rolleyes: :cool:

(And, Yeah!, I eventually garnered the courage to "Come Out"! One of the Greatest things I've ever done! Thanks to, "My" Kev!!) :hurray:(!w!)

Keep smilin'!! :kiss:(*8*)
Chaz ;)
 
Just let the kid take his time to come out be thankful u have a boyfriend. I rather have a closet boyfriend then no boyfriend
 
To be honest, relationships where one partner is out and the other closeted don't often stay that way. They either become relationships where both partners are out, or they stop being relationships.

Your boyfriend can't hide forever nor can he expect you to hide forever with him.
 
luminum said:
To be honest, relationships where one partner is out and the other closeted don't often stay that way. They either become relationships where both partners are out, or they stop being relationships.

Your boyfriend can't hide forever nor can he expect you to hide forever with him.
Click to expand...

That is SO True!! (Trust me on that one! I KNOW! "Oh,Boy"!, do I KNOW!) Well put luminum!! ..|

Given TIME ... (group)

Keep smilin'!! :kiss:(*8*)
Chaz ;)
 
*sigh*

i could never date someone who was in the closet. for some reason i feel as that i becomes unfair to the other person.

anyway i wish you two luck. :)
 
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