BF wants me to pretend I'm his friend

[lostinnc]

My boyfriend is not out to his friends, which I'm fine with because everyone comes to terms with their sexuality on their own timetable.

My problem is he wants me to hang out with his friends and pretend that I'm just his friend when they are around. I have never met any of his friends, but he wanted me to come over tonight and meet them (while pretending I'm just his friend). Like I said, everyone comes out on their own timetable, but I told him I'm not going live a lie for him.

This really upsets me, and I don't know what to do.

 

[G-Lexington]

Your call.

If I was in this position, I might considering meeting them as just his friend. This will give you a better feel for him and his friends, and the dynamic between them. And his friends potentially could be cooler with his coming out if they get to know you as a person first rather than "the guy who turned him gay" (as some ignorant folks are wont to do). I could probably do this so long as I wasn't forced to lie. I wouldn't have any trouble not kissing him or holding hands with him while together, and letting him answer any questions about "us".

But that's up to you. The lies might have to go deeper than just "we're just friends". ("So how do you know Fred?" "We met at the bathhouse...I mean, Bed Bath and Beyond...I mean the monster truck rally.") Don't feel the need to go through with it if you don't want.

Lex

 

[kramer362]

If you are fine with him not being out to his friends then why would you need to let your relationship known to his friends?

Unless you just don't want to meet any of his friends until he's out to them...

 

[yeahman21]

Great advice lexington. I mean, youre the same age of me and I wouldnt want everyone knowing im bi. People arent smart yet by 22.

 

[BlondeCanadian]

I dont know i think it would depend for me if i had to pretend to be a straight friend of his.... IMO a really good thing to do would be to meet his friends as a gay guy...if your not willing to live a lie this would have to happen anyway and if his friends are okay with you it might get him to come out

 

[puka-pride]

persoanlly i'd meet them and pretend to just be his friend BUT i would NEVER go back into the closet for someone... I'm gay.. and thats that


my ex once told his mother i am just his friend and that i am str8... and i had to stick with that lie everytime i was over at his place.. and i gotta say it made it VERY uncomfortable for me to be myself around his folks

but yeah whatever u know who you are and who you want to be so be true to that.. its the only way you'll be happy

 

[Horschallen]

If it is a non-sexual activity, why flaunt your gayness? I go to many activities and not even bother with my own sexuality. I just go to be with people. Some may already know, others may wonder and the rest may be totally oblivious. So what is the harm of just refraining from flashing a limp wrist?

 

[josher]

Personally, I'd never date anyone in the closet, but you've made your own choice which is fine for you.

But having made that choice, you really can't call his sexuality into question by being openly gay with his friends. If they know you're gay, they're going to have suspicions about him.

Were I in your position, I'd just say no to meeting his friends. One meeting will lead to many more and the game-playing will weigh on you heavily.

What if someone makes a homophobic remark/joke? Will you laugh at it/ agree with them/pretend you didn't hear it?

Will you have to avoid saying things you'd normally say in order to keep your sexual identity hidden?

You've made a decision to be out and proud. Don't put yourself back in the closet.

 

[billybob109]

Things could go very wrong and it is really up to you what you want to do. Living the second life will be very very hard but it could also speeds things up for you guys if his friends 'suspect' something maybe it could help him out

 

[LoveIsNow]

If you care about him, try it for him and if it makes you feel uncomfortable, then tell him. He should understand; just communicate your feelings.

 

[alley]

Having just come out--I don't think I could ever be someone's "Dirty Secret". He wants you to meet people he cares about and to basically hide that you are special to him and that he loves you--no I could not do that at all.

 

[seven_sins]

If you want him to continue to be your boyfriend, honor his request.

 

[954dude]

If you care about him, try it for him and if it makes you feel uncomfortable, then tell him. He should understand; just communicate your feelings.

So true. In this instance, I'd pretend to be his friend, but I won't share any personal information about myself (I'd keep the orientation a mystery) and try to be understanding about his own decision not to be out of the closet. Do what you feel is right in the moment.

 

[lostinnc]

Thanks for the advice everyone, although a few of the responses are alarming. I think some people misunderstood what I was saying. I don't have a limp wrist, and I don't want to run around making out with my boyfriend in front of his friends. I don't even like PDA. I just don't want to have to pretend I'm straight in front of his friends (like laughing at a joke demeaning gays or hiding my relationship past, because hey, conversation about sexual stuff usually comes up with friends). We had a conversation about it yesterday and I expressed how it made me feel uncomfortable, and he said he understood. I agreed to meet his friends because he was so understanding with me, but he knows if I feel uncomfortable, I will excuse myself.

We'll see how it goes...

 

[InspireGAY]

i kinda understand your boyfriend feeling

 

[G-Lexington]

Sounds like you did the right thing. Hope it all goes well.

Lex

 

[Crackberry]

If you are fine with him not being out to his friends then why would you need to let your relationship known to his friends?

Unless you just don't want to meet any of his friends until he's out to them...

Because there's a difference between your boyfriend being in the closet, and your boyfriend trying to pull YOU back in the closet.

 

[Crackberry]

If it is a non-sexual activity, why flaunt your gayness? I go to many activities and not even bother with my own sexuality. I just go to be with people. Some may already know, others may wonder and the rest may be totally oblivious. So what is the harm of just refraining from flashing a limp wrist?

What the hell are you talking about? He didn't say anything about feminine hand-motions. They're a couple, and his boyfriend is asking him to keep it a secret and pretend that they are friends. How is that difficult to grasp?

 

[danniflava]

My boyfriend is not out to his friends, which I'm fine with because everyone comes to terms with their sexuality on their own timetable.

My problem is he wants me to hang out with his friends and pretend that I'm just his friend when they are around. I have never met any of his friends, but he wanted me to come over tonight and meet them (while pretending I'm just his friend). Like I said, everyone comes out on their own timetable, but I told him I'm not going live a lie for him.

This really upsets me, and I don't know what to do.

I wouldn't go.

I think by him even asking you that, it makes him seem like he's ashamed of you.

 

[torand]

I wouldn't go.

I think by him even asking you that, it makes him seem like he's ashamed of you.

I don't think he is ashamed of lostinnc, I think he is ashamed of himself. This is something that he will have to get over in time, and it sounds like he is a reasonable guy. I know that in my first relationship, I had serious issues going to public places with my boyfriend (I am still not all that great with it); and he was very understanding, and let me work through that at my own pace.

The key is for him to tell you what he is comfortable with, and you to do the same for him.