BF wants to meet a match from OKCupid

[cluelessdate]

I've been together with my boyfriend for two months. Everything is going great, though he's about to leave the country in a few months. We initially agreed to go slow but somehow things escalated and he's now officially my boyfriend. I have a lot of trust in him so I'm okay with him going on dating app such as Jack'd and OKCupid.
However, there have been recent events that I found frustrating, but I really don't know how to communicate with him in the right way. This is the first time I've been in a relationship with a Western guy, and despite my rather fluent English, there're barriers that I need to learn to overcome.

So after started dating me, there was another guy in the same who messaged BF on OKCupid. BF showed me the message and his reply, and said that this guy has a very high matching score, even higher than me. However, my BF also made it very clear in the message that he's already in a relationship and is no longer available (his OKCupid's status is also seeing someone). I was a bit surprised back then as I totally didn't expect him to commit in the relationship.

After a while they haven't messaged each other, and today BF just told me that the guy messaged, and that "we should meet him sometime". I saw him add the guy on Facebook, and being a stalker (or a jealous boyfriend), I checked the other guy's facebook. I didn't learn much except that the guy is talented, smart, and good at singing. He even has long hair, which is a thing for my boyfriend. My BF said that I should have sex with him before meeting this guy, to make sure that he has no sexual thoughts as the guy is just perfect in so many ways. He even jokingly said that "if you wanna dump me early so i can have this dreamy guy..."

On the one hand, I'm glad that my boyfriend is very straightforward with me about this. On the other hand, I'm a bit torn after hearing his thoughts. Having been through some failed relationships, I lost tons of self-esteem and even lost my interest in relationship and sex (for months I had no urge in having sex with anybody, and only jerked off to porn). So I was very cautious when entering this relationship and haven't completely built up the confidence yet. I really really don't want my boyfriend to meet this guy - and that is because I'm jealous: I must admit that he's attractive, perfect, and I would totally date him if I were single (which again makes me feel very uneasy). But I don't want to be the over attached boyfriend type, and I feel selfish to keep boyfriend from building his social circle.

I hope to hear your advice for this situation, especially to overcome the jealousy.

 

[Seasoned]

There are lots of ways to build one's social circle without choosing people one is attracted to. He's sounding like he's not ready for a relationship.

 

[bankside]

Over-attached? What kind of relationship would you call "correctly-attached?"

 

[borg69unimatrix]

He kind of sounds like an insensitive jerk to me, and like he's not taking your relationship very seriously. I hate to say it, but I don't see him sticking around very long before he's off to the next guy.

 

[medic1]

Mate, I think that him, meeting up with a guy that your BF potentially might screw isn't building up his social circle. I don't think you're being over-attached over this matter. Let him know about how you feel on this matter, and decide from there if he wants to meet the guy or not.

Maybe tag along if you like? (Though I would suggest not to do so)

^This

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He kind of sounds like an insensitive jerk to me, and like he's not taking your relationship very seriously. I hate to say it, but I don't see him sticking around very long before he's off to the next guy.

And this , sorry..........

 

[darden]

given how open he's being, I don't think it's as big of a deal as others are making it.

my boyfriend and I actually got into a huge fight about the fact that I have friends who I met on okcupid... I don't really see anything wrong with it, and as someone who's not really into the bar/club scene (and doesn't have much time for meetup/group activities), chatting with guys online is really the only way I can think of to meet some gay friends and expand my social circle.

I deactivated my profile when my BF and I agreed to be exclusive, but I'm not going to cut friends out of my life now that I have a boyfriend just because we met online. the friends that I made are either people I started talking to strictly with platonic interests (eg: we have a ton of things in common but we're not attracted to eachother or we're not compatible in bed) or guys I maybe went out on a date with and found nothing there romantically, but still enjoyed hanging out with the guy as friends.

 

[medic1]

given how open he's being, I don't think it's as big of a deal as others are making it.

my boyfriend and I actually got into a huge fight about the fact that I have friends who I met on okcupid... I don't really see anything wrong with it, and as someone who's not really into the bar/club scene (and doesn't have much time for meetup/group activities), chatting with guys online is really the only way I can think of to meet some gay friends and expand my social circle.

I deactivated my profile when my BF and I agreed to be exclusive, but I'm not going to cut friends out of my life now that I have a boyfriend just because we met online. the friends that I made are either people I started talking to strictly with platonic interests (eg: we have a ton of things in common but we're not attracted to eachother or we're not compatible in bed) or guys I maybe went out on a date with and found nothing there romantically, but still enjoyed hanging out with the guy as friends.

Yep , you make a good point, but they have only been lovers for a few months , don`t you think that he is kinda rubbing it in the blokes face ?
Perhaps to see what his reaction would be , i know that when i was with my guy fuck a few months , for a few years i really had no sexual interest in anyone else .

Plus , he did say "drop me before i go away so i can screw with him" , not the sort of thing you say to your bloke , especially when it should still be the honeymoon period .

 

[racer2438]

He's not being really true to you, if he is doing this, and will lead to him having hook up's while he is gone. And I think your kinda being walk on, and you really don't see this clearly.

I don't think this may last to long sorry to say.

 

[Scealle]

I agree with some points that Darden mentioned, meeting gay people are really hard, and having gay friends are even harder, so depending on the situation, I think it's ok to meet or hangout with people gay people interacted online. However I think in you situation, your bf seems like he is unsure about committing. It could be a phase thing, and he may eventually overcome it thus you guys might wind up together or not. You should tell him how you feel about it.

 

[HunterM]

Your boyfriend may be looking for a threesome.

 

[cluelessdate]

Okay, so it seems a lot of heat here.

I was with my boyfriend last night and thus couldn't reply to this thread. Anyway, he let me access his facebook and OKCupid freely last night; I don't know his password but he told me that feel free to stalk around. And despite adding the guy on Facebook, they haven't talked to each other yet. And I also learned from the talk of him and his friends that he is very determined to commit in this relationship. So I feel better about trusting him. I also know that he did something I didn't really approve of (nothing physical but just exchanging naked pictures with other guys), but he thought that it was okay and was shocked when I told him that it is totally not OK to do that in a monogamous relationship. And from the guy's replies on OKCupid, I kinda feel like he's a nice guy, too, and the type who know the boundary.

About the jealousy, I'm still quite jealous with the guy (he's perfect, intelligent, wrote a book, has an angelic voice and very artsy - I, on the other hand, is a big nerd). But he hasn't mentioned any concrete plan to meet the guy, and he made it clear to me that I must accompany him. Actually he made it clear from the beginning that I should be involved to make sure that nothing happens. I think he was joking about me dumping him, but I'll need to talk about that with him tonight, about drawing the line between acceptable and unacceptable jokes. I've met people from OKCupid after starting dating him (but I have no interest besides friendship with none of them), and he's very cool about that - and I always make sure that he is involved in such meetings. So I feel guilty and selfish if I limit his options for friendship .

And for those with a dirty mind out there, no, we're not planning on having a threesome. Both of us agree that it would be more damaging than fun, and the fun is not worth the frustration and jealousy.

 

[aaggii]

1. Don´t compare yourself with others. If you´ll get to know the guy in real life, you´ll see that he has as many qualities and flaws as everyone else.

2. You need to talk with your boyfriend about what monogamy means for you two. People have different definitions, hell, I even read a post here from an idiot who said that he´s monogamous, which in his mind was no fucking with others, just sucking their cocks from time to time (wtf, right?). And after you make your definitions known for each other, you have to tell him and make him tell you what else makes you feel insecure and uncomfortable and see if it worths the sacrifice to change some stuff about yourselves.

Communication, baby. They don´t say this for nothing.

 

[Georgiadude]

Take a look through this forum and find all the threads from guys that found out there bf's were just "talking" to guys on line and slowly but surely the truth came out. There was A LOT more than talking going on. He had told you they were just talking and now you're finding out he's been sending naked pics to someone. He didn't see anything wrong with it and was surprised you didn't like it. Why is he sending naked pics to people? He's supposedly in a "committed" relationship. Sorry dude but I'm not buying the friend thing. His comment about dumping him just isn't something someone says. I think the more you peal back the layers on this your going to find there is more going on either between he and this guy or others. You may buy it but I don't.

Steven.

 

[eastofeden]

At first glance I think your BFs honesty is great though a second glance and I am not sure about the motives for his honesty... Is he upfront and honest as a rule?...or just about this?

My conclusion after I read this is he is getting off on your jealousy. It might be his "thing". It isn't all that uncommon. I watched alot of couples play this game.

 

[HunterM]

1. Don´t compare yourself with others. If you´ll get to know the guy in real life, you´ll see that he has as many qualities and flaws as everyone else.

Exactly! He may be handsome, intelligent, artsy, a singer, and a writer...He may also be a serial killer.

 

[cluelessdate]

Thanks a lot for your thoughts and suggestion, and yes, I did spend a considerable amount of time contemplating.

So he went to my place last night, but we could only watch movies and I didn't want to be a jerk so I didn't interrupt the fun. Typically what we do are lying around, watching movies and eating, so it was difficult for me to bring up the topic. Luckily I was able to casually mention that one of my friend (i.e. you guys) believes that it's cheating to send naked pictures to other people. His reply was that he was not aware of that - for him only physical acts are considered cheating. I then asked him if his ex-girlfriend (he's bisexual btw) was aware of his doing such things, and he admitted that she would go nutshit even if she caught him watching porn. I took the opportunity to bring up the question of monogamy and what it means to him, and I made it very clear to him that cheating doesn't mean just physical acts, but anything that can basically ruin the trust between the two people. Also, I told him that he made me very uncomfortable with his joke about me breaking up with him so he could date the dreamy guy, and I asked him if he meant it. He said he was totally joking and was sorry that he made me feel uncomfortable, and that he is totally serious with our relationship.

So yes, I think we sorted out the issues in a very relaxing manner. And I trust his words - he never lies to me so far (except the one month prank he played on me during our two month relationship - but that's another story and too embarrassing for me to tell anyone). I typically have a good hunch about people lying (all my hunches turned out true in past relationships sadly), and my instinct tells me that I could trust bf!

Oh about the guy - I'm still jealous. But he hasn't talked to the guy (except adding FB), and hasn't mentioned anything about meeting him so far. I'm not looking to meet the guy, but I think I'm comfortable enough to let him do so (of course with my permission and I will accompany him - no way I'm letting my bf go alone meeting such a guy). I may regret later, but we're not certain our relationship can last after the end of this year (he's leaving and I'm trying to move to his country but the chance is very slim), so I'll try to be as accommodating as I could be.

 

[liu273420683]

Hey, I think he sounds like a jerk and does not care about your feelings at all. If he is serious about this relationship, he should be as careful with the boundaries as a normal person is, which, in my opinion, is not the case. You mentioned that your failed relationships took the confidence out of you, so I think maybe it's not the right time for you to enter a relationship. Spend more time on yourself. Learn to love yourself the way you want people to love you.

And my question is - does that 'perfect guy' know that the guy he is trying to meet up with is in a monogamous relationship. If he does, he is probably not as perfect as you think he is, but a selfish jerk like your boyfriend.

 

[tangential]

I think two months is a great start to getting to know someone. But I don't think it's a relationship yet, perhaps your boyfriend really sees what you two have as 'relationship potential' but doesn't know how to express that difference using his words. His actions are perhaps clearer. Have a talk with him about how you feel and what you are concerned about.

 

[bruce379]

You guys, sound like lesbians.

Monogamy is overrated. Gay guys will fuck around. It's just a fuck, fact, I mean. Have a threesome with him so you can see your bf cheat on you on the other end of the same guy at the same time as him.

All that matter is, at the end of the night - crack of dawn, most likely, the only bed he'll come to, is yours.

 

[TheLyingGame]

You guys, sound like lesbians.

Monogamy is overrated. Gay guys will fuck around. It's just a fuck, fact, I mean. Have a threesome with him so you can see your bf cheat on you on the other end of the same guy at the same time as him.

All that matter is, at the end of the night - crack of dawn, most likely, the only bed he'll come to, is yours.

Please stay single.