Bi-curious? Bi? or Gay? and not wanting to come out...my story...help/insight needed.

[RandomGuy56]

I'm pretty new to JUB and one of my friends over the internet suggested I come here for help/advise. I've read some good threads so I'm hoping to see that support.

I moved alot when I was a child so I never really had alot of friends and only really settled down once I was 10. My step-dad would force me (I say force because he would hurt me and break my things) to play with my half-brother, 2 years my junior, and I would get spanked/sent to stand in the corner for hours. He would verbally abuse me and call me "a fairy", or a faggot, or even "Navi" from Zelda...mocking me saying "hey listen" eveytime I spoke. That is until the end of grade 7 when my mom and step-dad had a fight and I ended up in my grandparents' care. Ironically the day I missed because of the move was the day Sex Ed was taught, so I was left to discover sex for myself. Once I graduated grade 7 they decided it would be nice to send me to a private school in a neighbouring town for grades 8-12. This town and my town have some random hate for each other even though we're part of the same area. A small (>90lbs, 5'4") shy kid from "That town" became a target for bullying. I never had classmates as friends in high school and they only stopped bullying me because "They were scared I'd snap because I never reacted" - Their words. So needless to say I didn't have many friends accept one. He was my best friend, my only friend really (Lets call him Bob).

I've known I've liked girls since I was small, but when puberty hit (13-14) I started to notice guys more and became aroused by them. Not learning "Sex Ed" I had no idea what was happening or why I was having these feelings. Being such an outcast at school I never asked a girl out or got asked out, I was lucky if I was spoken to by one. My sexuality became existant solely online. I watched straight porn one week and when I got tired of that I'd go to gay porn the next and so on. I never wanted a relationship with men, only sexual contact. After I graduated I became friends with a trio of brothers (The Todd's) who went to the high school in the town I am from, and through them I met another best friend of mine (John). I had never had a relationship with either sex until I was 19 I dated a girl for 10-11 months. I loved it and thought I loved her. Sex was great, kissing, cuddling...everything. But at one point she just became "too attached" and wanted me to hangout with her everyday of every minute, still living at home and not being able to stay at her house it was a long walk home every night. I worked a lot and had little time for hanging out with my friends and her everyday. I had a talk with her and after a fairly painful break up we're still friends-ish.

It's been 3 years since we broke up. Now, I'm 22, I still live in my small-ish town. I had a very public job (where at 15 I met my best friend) so I know alot of people and my family is very abundant in town. My friend John and I were drinking a lot and while we were watching a movie while sitting on his bed (where we usually hung out to play games and watch tv etc) and in my drunken state decided to take a chance and tickle/grope my friends sides/chest. He returned my tickling 2 fold and then stopped as we returned to the movie. About 3 minutes later he notices I had gotten hard from tickling him, and out of no where says "Want me to suck your cock?". I was taken aback, shocked that he my straight friend wanted to suck my dick. But I feel as if I almost wanted this to happen. I complied. he pulled my dick out of my underwear and it popped up and landed on my stomach. He sucked me until I came and swallowed. I reciprocated. We had a little fwb thing for a little while and had about 5 occurrences in the following weeks. I had come to terms with the fact that I may be Bi before that, but once it happened it was pretty overwhelming. I assume he had post-cum guilt since he stopped wanting fwb. About 3 months ago John got a girlfriend and about 1 month ago a job a province over. He is on a 3 week on 1 week of schedule. I assume since he was horny and hadn't seen his gf for a while he wanted to release. He texted me and wanted me to send him pictures, claiming to be Bi which I could believe. We had some dirty talk for a while and I did end up sending a picture to him. Up until this point since he stopped our fwb I hadn't really even thought about my sex life just thinking about work and friends. However I lost my job and when we sexted I started to dwell on it. I feel like I need to tell someone, to have a friend to talk to or even experiment/release with.

Today, I made friends with a gay male who is in the same town as me on an App. I don't really know him but he knows The Todds family's oldest son. He seems really nice and we've talked all night via text. We're the same age our tastes and styles are different but we seem to get along. I'm not sure what he expects from our friendship. Although I'd be happy if we were just friends. But if there is a connection or if he's down for it some fun could occur...but it feels wrong when I try to think of us dating.

This is where my story comes to an end and my problems arise. My friend Bob is almost straight(acting atleast) as they come. We joke about things and have no bounds of subject. We do racial accents(quite well if I may add) and sometimes he does a very flamboyant voice and pretends to sound like a "fag" as he says. Because to him there are gays and homosexuals and then there's fags(being effeminate gay men). He always says how he'd be okay if his child was gay. I know it sounds like he'd be accepting of my sexuality but he can be quite harsh and hurtful. He have a different bi friend who he makes fun of and is pretty keen about pointing out the fact he likes dick in his mouth...even though their friends. So I feel I'd get the same ridicule. My family seems to almost expect me to be gay, which for some reason seems to make it hurt even more then if they were against it. But I feel they'd judge me none the less.

So here I am. I'm not sure if I should come out or if there's anything to come out with. I feel it would complicate every friendship, every relationship I have worked so hard over the last few years to forge. This is eating me from the inside. I like girls, I get horny want to fuck, date, live with them etc. but I always feel inferior. I like guys too, the thing about guys is they are open about what the need and find attractive and they're familiar to me...but I can't see myself dating one.

I wish I were 2 people almost, so one could like whom they wanted and that was that. I know Straight, Bi, Bi-curious and gay are just labels affixed by humans to make things "fit" into categories and I should be me. It doesn't seem to help. I'm stressing out, I need a job to take my mind off of it. I thought this App would appease my desire, but it seems to have made it worse, conflicted my mind.

What are your thoughts? Any similar situations? Possible directions to go? Anything?
(Sorry it's so long)

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to the forum.

I thought of myself as two people for the last 4-5 years that I was married to my ex-wife. It wasn't a good place to be. While bisexuality exists it appears that some identify that way, temporarily, as a way to come to terms with being gay. I wouldn't make that judgement of you because only you can identify your orientation. Labels are only helpful if you think they are. I liked figuring out that I was gay because it made my life simpler.

Another thing I'd mention is that seeing yourself emotionally attached to a woman but not a man may be more of a conditioned response rather than an authentic one. We live in a heterosexist world and some of us have no same sex relationship examples in our lives.

The bottom line of my response is to tell you to continue to pursue what is appealing to you. You are on the right track wanting gay friends. It's helpful having a supportive network.

 

[Rolyo85]

I would also suggest that maybe your home town is not the best place for you to discover yourself. You may feel like it is a very hard and slow process, you making friendships, but the truth is that a new setting would actually help boos your confidence and would make you a lot more social. Plus, you would not have to deal with the whole "who knows, and how will they treat me if they find out" thing.

Your friend Bob is a homophobe. Which should be a problem for you regardless of your sexuality.

 

[RandomGuy56]

Thank you Seasoned and Rolyo85 for responding with such haste.

I'm not sure how I can differentiate between a conditioned response and a genuine one. I see an attractive girl and I get horny, but my social inept-ness has killed any self confidence to approach or even consider asking her out for fear of rejection. I suppose the reason I like guys is because they're more forward and more likely to tell me I look good. I've also found I'm more attracted to guys who are "twink ish" like myself. So I feel it could also just be I'm attracted to myself most of all. Which brings me to feeling like 2 people. Is it possible to be genuinely Bi? People seem so keen on telling me I'm Gay, not Bi. I almost feel that part of my concern about coming out is they won't see me for who I am. It feels wrong to lie to everyone, but it'd feel just as wrong being mislabeled...

I have very few social skills as far as making friends is concerned so I don't think I could move away, I also feel the need I stay near home/family.

Thanks again!

 

[alwayready]

Hello and welcome to JUB

First im sorry your childhood sucked mine did as well for much the same reasons. However you should not let that hold you back from being yourself. I guess the way I got over it is the moment I turned 18 I shot out that front door and didn't let anything stop me, so to speak. I still didn't have the resources to move away from the small town but when I finally started opening up to people there was never a reason to even come home except for sleep. Also small towns always suck for someone different from the group in even the slightest way. Trust me I live in what a small town would poop out in Texas.

Second and this is most important and something Im glad I learned early in life. Sexuality is a spectrum to beleive you are something speific on that spectrum is delusional. Next time you see a rainbow try to list ALL the colors it is impossible Sex is also just straight up AWESOME. If you find someone that wants to help you explore AND is respectful of your feelings, and you play safe always HIV sucks Ive had friends that had it and it was crazy, then why the hell not take them up on it. The only one who can make you feel ashamed of any type of sex is yourself so get out of your head and have some fun. Life is short let us be merry and enjoy it

Third, have you tried finding some sort of LGBT groups or anything around the larger cities near you. I will admit my knowledge of Canada geography is limited though. Also there are many websites out there, such as this one, that while you may feel your just being out online that can be very helpful. Im pretty sure there is a section on this one called Straight/Bisexual. These will at least help answer some questions you have.

Fourth which is just my personal opinon. Bob may not be a homophobe. Some straight people are just ignorant that faggot is like the n-word to the homosexual community. Ive had to explain this to multiple people if you don't feel comfortable telling him that then you are right to doubt the friendship at least a little. Also there is a saying about the difference between men and women "Men say hurtful things to your face and don't mean it but they talk nice about you behind your back and mean it, women say nice things to your face and don't mean it but say hurtful things behind your back and mean it" My friend and I throw your mama jokes at each other for laughs but weve known each other since we were in diapers. Try guageing his response by dropping subtle hints if it works great tell him your bi or whatever, if not I would try moving away from him and finding a friend that accepts you.

Hope this is helpful and sorry for the horrible spelling

 

[Seasoned]

It's definitely possible to be bi and it would be helpful to find bi guys for support. There are some people who say bi is bogus but that's usually because they identified that way before realizing they were gay.

Do what you can to push yourself into taking small social risks. Just because it's difficult ought not be a deterrent to self-growth. You can learn to be more social even if it is initially uncomfortable.

I found out something very interesting when I had to move from a large city to a small town from the late 1980s to the early 2000s. I made that move with a lot of fear and went back into the closet temporarily. By the time I left I was fully out and they day I left there was a front page story about me moving back to the city preparing to have a commitment ceremony with my long term partner, currently my husband. During that time I was taunted once and had an egg thrown at my car, but that wasn't in the small town. That was in the city during one of my regular weekend commutes. It is possible to be gay anywhere. And we should be as authentic as safely possible for our own piece of mind.

Come back here often and pm me anytime.

Best wishes.

 

[Rolyo85]

This is not a place for discussions between non-OP members, but I need to make two quick comments to alwayready without intending to start an argument:

1. While sexuality is most certainly a spectrum, I firmly believe we are always in one particular part of that spectrum. Our sexuality doesn't change with time or circumstance, we just learn more about it. Of course, it's much easier for people like me, who are on one end of the spectrum, than it is for truly bisexual guys. But to believe otherwise would open the door for people who claim that you can train yourself to not be gay, and that I will never be ok with.

2. When I said Bob is a homophobe, I didn't mean his use of the word "faggot", though that one is very clearly offensive. I meant his division of gays into "acceptable" (masculine, butch), and "unacceptable" (feminine, "faggots"). THAT is homophobic to the extreme, though maybe if he thought about it or had someone talk to him about it, he would see it as such and change his opinion.


Now back to OP:

You should check this recent topic:
http://www.justusboys.com/forum/threads/390511-Bi-or-gay

I think there is stuff there that could be useful to you. You should be aware, that being bi brings its own stigmas with it (which I've described in detail in the linked topic) and you should think on them and be ready to deal with them when you come out.

Other observations:
1. Do not try to rationalize your same-sex interest with "I'm just looking for my own reflection" or "perhaps it's because I'm awkward and guys are more forward". I am not mocking you in the least, but the blunt truth is that sexuality - while certainly not a simple thing - is also not as complicated as we try to make it to justify internalized homophobia. Put crudely, if your dick points at boys, you like boys. If it points at girls, you like girls. If it points at both... chances are you're somewhere in the middle and I'm sorry for you because it sucks to have to figure yourself out on top of already dealing with life.

2. You should NEVER care what people will think of your sexuality. I know this is about a trillion trillion times easier said than done, but what I mean in this particular case is that if you are truly bisexual, and come out as such, whether other people think you're actually gay or not, is none of your business and you should not care about it. Whether you are bi or gay, there will be misconceptions galore. The key is that if YOU don't see something to be ashamed of, neither will other people.

And I would not be surprised if you gain extra confidence from coming out. Having alternate sexuality can be a source of power if you have the will to make it so.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi RandomGuy56,

Welcome to JUB and good that you have posted this question. I would not bother too much about labels (straight, bi, gay, or anything in between), and I fully agree with #7 that its much better not to worry what other people around you think about your sexuality.

You are living in Canada, and I tend to think that Canadians around you must be aware that a certain amount of guys is gay/bi, at least not 100% straight. Simply don't worry what people around you think about you, and about the friends you have.

Why not try to built up a friendship with the gay guy, and see how things are developing each other? Is also an easy way to come out, when you are close friends with a gay guy (is he an open gay?).

I tend to think that you should have a good talk with your best friend Bob, and tell him the plain truth about yourself. Why not tell Bob that you have strong gay feelings (and even experience with sex with guys), but that you also feel attracted by girls? Does Bob has a girlfriend? Do you have right now the idea that you are somehow lying/hiding to Bob that you -also- like guys?

You told us as well My family seems to almost expect me to be gay, and I was wondering why you hold this opinion. Any idea what's their general idea about gay people?

How about the rest of the people in your surrounding (including work)? Do you think that most / all as well seem to expect that you are a gay guy? So why not be a bit more open about it? Likely (?) people / girls will gossip, and maybe your 'gut feelings' are right that its not a big secret that you like guys (as well)?

 

[RandomGuy56]

Roylo85: Thank you again for your time and helpful words. However as I've read on other comments you lean towards jumping to the conclusion that people are gay. I still appreciate your perspective. I don't think I have any "Internalized Homophobia" I am not scared nor repulsed by the fact that I like men. I am merely fearful of Bi-phobic individuals making the choices presented Straight/gay, with no consideration of my true feelings.

Ganoderma: My newly obtained "gay friend" is open. He has actually said he doesn't care who thinks/knows/cares if he's gay, which is what I should be aiming for as said by everyone. But as previously said it's hard due to the small community. I've had people pretty much gay bash me since grade 8 even though I hadn't even considered my sexuality. After I graduated I've had many people just ask me both at work and with friends of friends. Any time anyone in my family or friends hears about Bi-sexual guys they always say as if programmed "they're just gay!" within seconds. My friend Bob has a girlfriend, yes. He has no idea, because I'm straight acting around him (I pretty much look at guys less, I don't change my behaviour or attitude or personality beyond that.) I would probably be laughed at by my family, and as I said judge me for my preference. "They almost expect me to be gay" means that the always poke fun at me, about my size(skinny) and how weak and girly I seem. Or how if they see a scene/feminine looking guy they'll say "Oh there's a good one for you!" I hope I answered your questions, thank you for answering.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi RandomGuy56,

Thanks for your friendly and quick reply. You are welcome. Well, your gay friend behaves like the big majority of open gay people, including me and many people over here on JUB. We just don't care about other people.

On the one hand, opening yourself must be easy for you.You only need to say once 'yeah, he looks very sweet, any idea if he is still single?' when one asks you "Oh there's a good one for you!" Besides that, it seems somehow to me that people around you already have an idea that you - also- like guys. So why keep hiding / denying the truth?

How do you see the future with your family? Keep hiding/lying to them about the real RandomGuy56? How do you see when you will get a nice boyfriend / close gay friend, do you want to hide him for your family (and others), do you want to start lying to your parents about him? IMO, that's not a healthy road you should start walking along.

Take your time. Maybe Bob likes to give some hints to you (so also Bob has his ideas that you might be a gay guy)? I would not bother too much about his remarks. The soon you tell the truth to him, the better. How do you see the future with Bob when you get one or more gay friends / a boyfriend (etc)? Also lying/hiding? Does Bob lies about his relationship with his girlfriend? Does he hide that he has a girlfriend?

 

[Rolyo85]

Roylo85: Thank you again for your time and helpful words. However as I've read on other comments you lean towards jumping to the conclusion that people are gay. I still appreciate your perspective. I don't think I have any "Internalized Homophobia" I am not scared nor repulsed by the fact that I like men. I am merely fearful of Bi-phobic individuals making the choices presented Straight/gay, with no consideration of my true feelings.

You call it jumping to conclusions, I call it cutting through the bullshit But either way, I haven't indicated anything about thinking you are gay in this topic, because I don't think I have enough reason for it. I gave you the link exactly to give you context of bi-phobia, and how it differs for straight and gay people. Wherever your journey of self-awareness leads you, it will be a place with its own rules, so you should be prepared. That's all I'm trying to help with