Bi-guy with a bi-wife

[Darvin]

I'm bi-guy with a stronger gay leaning.
I have been toying with the idea of getting a bisexual wife.
My idea is to have an open marriage, where I'm allowed to have one male lover and she's allowed to have a female lover. So there's honesty within the relationship and we could conform to "social norms" and be able to fully express our sexuality.
I know I'm gonna get heat in this forum for "trying to conform to societal" expectations...but my biggest problem would be to lie to my "wife" and do something on the down low.. so ye!s my ideal partner is a bisexual girl, it's easier for her to understand what I'm going thru in life. Who knows one day we would be only exclusive with each other.

So here's my question to ya'll..
1. Do you see this working?
2. Does anyone know of a couple who made it work out for them?
3. Do you think I'm not thinking through some other issues?

thanks JUBbers!!

 

[MrBubulino]

Have you heard of polyamory?
That might work for you

 

[BiMike]

I wish you luck in finding such a partner ! It certainly would be an open marriage ! Where would you start looking ?

 

[andy12]

2. Does anyone know of a couple who made it work out for them?

The closest I can think of is a straight guy with a bi girlfriend who had other girlfriends (shared) who lived with them. The original couple had issues of their own and would break up every few months. I didn't press for details ever but it seem as though the more people in a relationship, the problems multiple exponentially even if it's just for sex.

3. Do you think I'm not thinking through some other issues?

Why is conformity important to you?

 

[JasunStrikesBack]

If you lean more to men, wouldn't it make more sense to get a husband who lets you fool around with women from time to time?

Which sex are you more attracted to on a romantic level?

 

[Lube]

^Jasun makes an excellent point. But I think it's clear you're really more interested in fitting a pre-conceived norm than in being happy.

In any case, yes, I actually do know a bi couple in an open relationship. I'm not privy to how many partners each can play with, or any other rules they have, but I do know each is allowed at least one same-sex partner outside of the relationship. It's working well enough for them--at least for the time being--since they just had a baby together.

I first met him at a business event, so it wasn't in a gay setting. And my gaydar went Bing! Bing! Bing! After seeing her, my lezdar also went Bing! Bing! Bing!

They seem happy enough doing what they're doing, raising kids together. But it does smack very much of trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. I do give him credit for not trying to hide his gay/bi-ness by marrying a straight woman and screwing guys on the down low. But I just wonder if they need to do what they're doing in 2010.

 

[Lube]

Wait, your status is Partnered. Now I'm confused.

 

[Darvin]

I wish you luck in finding such a partner ! It certainly would be an open marriage ! Where would you start looking ?

Where I'm from bi-sexuals don't express themselves online, so I'm thinking of meeting girls in clubs or gay clubs??

Why is conformity important to you?

Conformity is important because it is the only way to live my life without causing too much drama & trauma to my family. It's not a religious thing but more of a societal pressure. I can live with the judgements but it's unfair that my family has to endure it.

If you lean more to men, wouldn't it make more sense to get a husband who lets you fool around with women from time to time? Which sex are you more attracted to on a romantic level?

Gay marriage will never be legal not even in 3010, so an option would be to move to a country that allows it.

I had a girlfriend when I was 13 but we never had sex, btw she is now a lesbian. I have only had sex with a guy, my current boyfriend (we are doing it on the down-low). He demands monogamy from me which I have kept so far, but he is still with his long term girlfriend. (I know what a hypocrite! roll my eyes but I love him what can I do?) I think I can be romantic with either gender, it really depends on the individual's personality and commitment to the relationship. But sexually I prefer a hot guy over a hot girl, but a hot girl over a ok guy.

^Jasun makes an excellent point. But I think it's clear you're really more interested in fitting a pre-conceived norm than in being happy.

But it does smack very much of trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. I do give him credit for not trying to hide his gay/bi-ness by marrying a straight woman and screwing guys on the down low. But I just wonder if they need to do what they're doing in 2010.

I guess I'm interested in everyone being happy, including my family. Like my current boyfriend is great in bed, but when he is busy he ignores me, and this doesn't make me happy at all. I'm happier if there's a girl out there who knows who I am and allows me to connect with my sexuality and be able to raise kids with me.

Sometimes I fantasise abt being in a relationship where there is two married couples but the same sex also sleep together. But I do see where these relationships break down much easier, it would be like the fights I have now times 4!!

I agree that it's not possible to fit a square peg in a round hole, but I guess I'm a square without edges, and I just might fit.

 

[KaraBulut]

There are relationships like this that do work for the short term. Emphasis on "short term".

The problem with what you've just posted is that you haven't really mentioned any of the things that make a relationship work. There has to be more to a relationship that just the need to have someone with a vagina handy to keep up appearances, to satisfy a societal need to be married to a woman or to have children or any of the other reasons that gay men marry women.

If you were talking specifics like, "I have a girlfriend that I love and she loves me but I still want to have sex with men", then there might be hope. What you're saying is "I'm going to find a bisexual woman so I can make it work for me" and that's not a good place to start with any relationship.

 

[Darvin]

There are relationships like this that do work for the short term. Emphasis on "short term".

The problem with what you've just posted is that you haven't really mentioned any of the things that make a relationship work. There has to be more to a relationship that just the need to have someone with a vagina handy to keep up appearances, to satisfy a societal need to be married to a woman or to have children or any of the other reasons that gay men marry women.

If you were talking specifics like, "I have a girlfriend that I love and she loves me but I still want to have sex with men", then there might be hope. What you're saying is "I'm going to find a bisexual woman so I can make it work for me" and that's not a good place to start with any relationship.

Thx Kara... but I beg to differ, no girl in their right sense of mind would want a bisexual boyfriend if he was "straight" to her all along. I see a more likely chance of this working with the girl knowing and understanding where I come from. Getting a bisexual wife would ensure her needs and my needs are both satisfied...

 

[Lube]

Thx Kara... but I beg to differ, no girl in their right sense of mind would want a bisexual boyfriend if he was "straight" to her all along. I see a more likely chance of this working with the girl knowing and understanding where I come from. Getting a bisexual wife would ensure her needs and my needs are both satisfied...

Listen to yourself. This sounds like a business transaction.

Where's the passion?

Sure everyone makes decisions about relationships--I don't want to marry a serial killer--but it's really driven by the passion of meeting someone and connecting emotionally, intellectually, and sexually.

You're dumping all these necessary preconditions, so it's almost doomed to fail.

You cannot please everyone.

The sooner you realize that and live your life for you, the sooner you will achieve adulthood and true happiness.

Every decision you make in life will piss somebody off. You have to get the maturity & resolve to live your life according to your own rules and value judgments.

Good luck.

 

[JasunStrikesBack]

Gay marriage will never be legal not even in 3010, so an option would be to move to a country that allows it.

I had a girlfriend when I was 13 but we never had sex, btw she is now a lesbian. I have only had sex with a guy, my current boyfriend (we are doing it on the down-low). He demands monogamy from me which I have kept so far, but he is still with his long term girlfriend. (I know what a hypocrite! roll my eyes but I love him what can I do?) I think I can be romantic with either gender, it really depends on the individual's personality and commitment to the relationship. But sexually I prefer a hot guy over a hot girl, but a hot girl over a ok guy.

OK... um... I mean, my husband and I were together for 15 years before gay marriage became legal for us. Because we loved each other. We've had a fantastic life together as we've built our lives and home. There's something very reassuring about laying in bed at night and hearing him snore next to me. Riding in the mountains together on our motorcycles or taking our vacations together. Calling him from work to say I'll be home late.

Who cares if city hall - the entity that gives you parking tickets - validates your relationship or not? You should be with the one you love, not with the one the government approves of.

Secondly.. you're being a total doormat. You're letting other people push you around and define you. Do you actually say with a straight face that you're in a monogamous relationship with a closeted downlow guy who has a girlfriend?

Finally, I'm going to book mark this thread and point to it anytime the "Why you should never date a bisexual guy" topic comes up. You're a classic case of a bi guy who thinks of his relationships as something ordered from a menu in a restaurant and not being with someone he loves. It's all about public perception and acceptance and legal standing and more like a business deal than a marriage. Treating people like merchandise... "Oh, I'd rather have a hot girl who's bisexual so I can enjoy fucking her so she has to stay in shape but she can have the bedroom with the balcony as long as the one I get has the walk in closet and then the guy I have on the side should have blond hair and be at least 5'9" but he can be a bit shorter than that if he's hot enough and drives a good car."

It seems that to you, people are just props in the performance that is your life.

I say you're going to have a rather boring and miserable life. And when you look back with regret on your death bed, you'll have no one to blame but yourself.

Sorry. Wish I had better news.

 

[EJMichaels]

I'm going to skip to one of the points here and not try to tackle the whole thing.

I think the OP's reference to finding a bi partner can be taken to mean something other than a passionless shopping trip or business plan. There are certain practical considerations when looking for love. As I transformed from lesbian to bi, I had to make a choice in which clubs/events to attend. My primary interest is BDSM, so that's where I went. That meant I was in a primarily straight environment and I ended up with men. There just aren't that many kinky lesbian hangouts, or there weren't when I needed them. My partner has no problem with me taking care of my "needs". The women are usually mutual friends or the female partners of couples we know. Quite of few of the kinky women are bi, so that works out nicely. I miss the LGBT "community", so that's one reason I spend time at JUB. Anyway, my only point, a small part of this issue, is that given the facts of real life, there are practical choices to be made when going to places where potential partners might be found. They don't just appear out of nothing.

 

[KaraBulut]

My partner has no problem with me taking care of my "needs". The women are usually mutual friends or the female partners of couples we know.

Not to pry and not to take us too off-topic from OP's original post...

How did you end up with your current partner? Why are you with your current partner?

It's all about public perception and acceptance and legal standing and more like a business deal than a marriage.

Not all relationships are created equal. I personally know bisexual couples who have very committed and loving relationships with opposite sex partners. But they often have open relationships that allow them to explore same-sex couplings within all sorts of "rules".

There's two very good discussions to be had- what two adults do in the privacy of their own relationship and the mutual choices that they make are their own business.

The other discussion is one that comes up very often when bisexuality is being discussed: if bisexuality is truly an attraction to both genders, then one would assume that random chance would make it as likely that a bisexual would be as likely to end up with a same-sex partner as they would to end up with an opposite-sex partner.

Yet very often, it seems that what happens is a more acceptable opposite-sex marriage with same-sex explorations on the side (either openly or secretively).

While there are parts of the world where this is the only option, I do wonder why we don't see same-sex relationships where there's an open relationship arrangement that allows for exploration of opposite-sex relationships. I'm sure they exist...?

 

[JasunStrikesBack]

Not all relationships are created equal. I personally know bisexual couples who have very committed and loving relationships with opposite sex partners. But they often have open relationships that allow them to explore same-sex couplings within all sorts of "rules".

I know plenty of gay and straight couples who do that, too.

But they're together because they loved each other to begin with... they're didn't order each other from a catalogue and then ask for a few custom upgrades. People and love aren't things you can custom-make.

 

[EJMichaels]

Not to pry and not to take us too off-topic from OP's original post...
How did you end up with your current partner? Why are you with your current partner?

"End up with?" We met at a BDSM event at a time I wasn't seeking a relationship. At that point, I already had been in a few relationships with men. Somehow, things clicked... We've been together longer than I can count on just my fingers.

"Why with?" I'm not sure how I can answer that question. I mean, why is anyone with a partner?


EDIT: I'll add that I consider myself pansexual - gender is not the first consideration in choosing a partner. Physically, I prefer women.

 

[bangthisbi]

I hope to find myself a bi wife someday as well. My reason is sexual. I would only want people to join the two of us. The idea of watching my wife with someone or sharing someone with her is a huge turn on. Sex outside of the marriage just pisses me off. I will never get married again without being madly in love and I wouldn't avoid marrying a woman that I was in love with if she turned out to not be bi. I hope that makes sense.

 

[NineOfClubs]

I once knew a happy bi couple.

They had more years together than most gay couples.

It will be tough, but you could make it work.

I used to go to a site called polyamory.com. Check it out.

 

[Darvin]

It's absolutely unfair for anyone to expect a gay leaning bi to be exclusively gay. Perhaps many of you think that I'm in denial. I've thought long and hard, at least give me the credit for figuring this out.

I feel that there is a culture and society component that is not considered here. Gay marriages is within reach in the States... but not in a lot of places in the world, certainly not from where I am.

It's a different story if i'm not attracted to women, I wouldn't be with someone who I'm not attracted to. It's not about being fitting in a cookie cutter. Being bi, I've realised that i have a choice whether we wish to be with a man or woman and a lot of the time its much easier to be with a woman. I could see how being gay is NOT a choice, and there is no choice for which way you wish to swing.

I wish to look for a bi-wife because I think it fits me, and I'll be most happy with it. I also have this longing to have a baby of my own (not adoption or fostering). Everyone looks for something in their partners, that's how it works with everyone. There is just something about masculinility that I like. Don't get me wrong, I love women too. There are many things I like about being with a woman, they are more expressive and more loving. Of course most of the time we fall for people who aren't exactly our type at all and thats fine. I might end up marrying a straight wife or a gay man both with equal chances of not accepting me and my bi-way. I'm not going to be happy at all if I end up with a guy who doesnt want kids or has problems with me liking woman. I can expect a bi-wife to really understand me and to top that of by conforming to the straight world.

I'm not trying to fit into society norms, trust me the LGBT society is as much of a society to me than the general public. Being a bisexual, it's very tough to get this type of disapproval from the gay crowd.

 

[Lube]

Ok, so go on a dating site, click all the checkboxes you've mentioned and--voilà--you have your bi wife.

No passion necessary.