Bi Guys...Need Some Advice. Help!

[kelseym125]

Hi! I'm so happy to find this forum, because I need some advice about my relationship with my fiance. Don't know what he really wants.

During sex he's always talked about MMF. BTW, I'm open to it. In fact, we practice a lot of fantasizing together, and it's always exciting. I use my strap-on...love giving BJ's (I swallow) and let him have anal sex with me.
After 6 years together, he finally told me he had been with guys in the past.
Honestly, it threw me, because he never told me in all of the time we had been together, even though we talked about it and fantasized about it a million times...so I probably didn't react in the best way. I didn't get mad...I withdrew somewhat and it concerned me that he withheld the info...not the fact that it happened. So, he ended up "recanting" the confessions. He said he didn't want me to worry, and that it was only part of the fantasy/dirty talk. I really don't believe him...I think he's bi, but he won't admit it. BUT...he still wants the MMF scene (case closed).

My main questions are: If we end up in an MMF situation, will that fulfill his need to be with guys or will it just open pandora's box? Do I let sleeping dogs sleep? For you bi guys who want to live a committed, "straight" life, would that be the most awesome situation (MMF), or would it tempt and grow your need for it, even more? I can do the MMF thing, but I could never tolerate cheating. It scares me. So, I guess net/net is.........am I better off participating in the fantasy with him or risk him craving it and possibly stepping outside the marriage? Or...is it enough that we do the things we do, already. Really interested in hearing your take. Help!!!

 

[BlondeCanadian]

Are you tolerating the MMF thing or are you into it too.. IF your not into it at all than in my mind it seems a little skewed....
Like tolerating something in bed is one thing. like roleplaying but bringing someone else into bed with you without you being into it for him seems wrong.

I know there is always give in take with a relationship but ultimately, Dont push yourself to far accommodating him in the fear he will cheat.. he either will or wont it has more to do with him than with you... sorry that was all a little jumbled i hope that makes some sense

 

[kelseym125]

That's a good question. When we're in the heat of the moment, I love the thought. I also fantasize about it (him with another guy). That said, in the light of day it's hard to tell how I'd really feel if it was actually happening...I think the same is probably true for him. Guess we might not know unless we try it. We're both adventurous and sexual, so never know........

 

[The White Stripe]

Would you let him have sex with another woman with you involved? I doubt you would be as open to the idea.

I think you are more open to te idea becuase he wants another man and you (might) think he would be less likely to run off if a man was involved. If he is intrested in men you can't stop it. He will be attracted to men, but don't let him fool you into thinking your apart of it. This could be his way of "cheating" on you right infront of your face.

If you love him and want to be with him than don't feed his curous fire.

That is how I would hadle it in your shoes

 

[CGHJ]

One of two things is gonna happen. Either you're going to let him try the MMF thing, or he's going to have a terrible urge to do so without you, one that will at the least cause him to want to cheat. Not saying that he will cheat, just saying that an itch that needs to be scratched is an itch that REALLY Needs to be scratched. It starts occupying your attention, and distracting you.

I've run in to many many examples where that itch that needs to be scratched, once it is, it's not an itch anymore. We covet the things we can't have, the begin to occupy our attention, and we get bored of the things we're familiar with. Allowing these MMF scenes can spice up your sex life so that your own sexual adventures stay fresh and new and exciting, and the familiarity of actually doing the MMF keeps that from becoming too exciting of a thought.

My take is, it's better to find out these things NOW, while he's still your fiance, instead of your husband.

Also keep in mind that there's a big big BIG difference between love and sexual desire. If you allow this to happen, and get turned on by it, he's more likely to love you for being awesome and understanding and wanting to share his desires with him. If you're a wonderful, lovable person (and I'm sure you are), he's not gonna stop loving you just because another man is helping him get his rocks off.

There's lot of couples that do stuff like this. It's way more common than you may think. It can really spice things up. If you're gonna lose him to another guy because you allowed that guy into bed with you two, you were gonna lose him anyway, but I judge that the opposite is more likely true, that' he'll want to stay with the loving woman who is open-minded enough to have serious fun. Cool chicks like that don't come along every day. He's lucky to have you and probably knows this. Confidence--the confidence to know that you can keep him even if you allow some sex play--is the sexiest thing of all.

 

[bangthisbi]

I would have jumped at the chance for some MMF action with my wife when I was married. However, it would have been with the understanding that we would only have sex with others as a couple. I have been faithful to everyone I've ever had a relationship with and expect the same in return. I am totally turned on by the thought of my girlfriend/wife with another man deep inside her as long as I am there with her.
If you and your fiance are in love and both turned on by the idea of trying MMF, go for it. If there is any doubt at all, don't do it. Love should be shared by the two of you, but sex should be shared with many people if that's what you're into.

 

[bijockdude]

I hope I can help..I am bi and in a committed relationship. I told her straight on that I had a few bi experiences in my life. I have a married buddy that I maintain a relationship with as he enjoys anal pleasure. She knows of this and is content with that as he is the only male I play with and same with him. She also knows that it's safe as I won't cheat on her with another woman.

Get him to talk set boundaries and be open to it all as long as you can trust him.

 

[evanrick]

it sounds this is an extremely common situation and it sounds like this is very far along. i am not a relationship expert by any means, but he wants to have his cake and eat it too at first glance. it sounds like he may be trying to spare your feelings, and if you deny him that then you may force him away.

you are right, it is a pandoras box, but its not your "fault", you didnt open it.

if i were married to a woman and one day she says she been with women in the past, i would let her follow her heart, because it doesnt lie to you.

but i also know if i ever married/committed to a woman she would have to know beforehand that i prefer men, and would be more difficult to love her the same way.

remember he has been lying to himself, and will probably need your support confirming who he really is.

 

[sixthson]

You better have some serious, frank discussions before you get married. You already feel he lied to you about his past relationships. Never do anything just to keep a man.

 

[paatreides]

Sex advice columnist Dan Savage would tell you first off that everyone should be willing to indulge their partner's fantasy at least once (provided there is no danger of physical injury). How do you know you won't like something until you give it a shot?

You said he didn't "lie," but "withheld" the information for several years. He did so because he was afriad of your reaction; that you would get upset and either 1. Scream, yell, and leave, and/or 2. You would pout and withdraw and otherwise emotionally punish him. And you admit his fears were proven true: You withdrew and are punishing him emotionally. He is recanting because you withdrew and he doesn't want to lose you.

It is time for a very frank talk. If you were feeding his fantasies before, you should apologize for getting wierded-out when he finally found the testicular fortitude to come clean about his past MM sex.

My wife knew about my being bi before we married. Did I tell her immediately? No, but it was fairly early on in our dating relationship. She seemed OK with it, but later on it caused problems (not because I cheated) because of HER insecurities.

To answer your last few questions: Yes - the MMF thing would be a huge turn-on for any bi-guy. Yes - you should try it with him (make sure the man you choose is also truly Bi so you get satisfied in the activity as well).

Noone can really answer for your boyfriend as to whether this would completely satisfy his need for male/male sex, but from my personal perspective as a Bi man I would respond with a big, resounding yes.

 

[houtx20s]

I am married and so wish I would have been more upfront on things. I ended up hiding and playing behind her back (just sex, no emotion), got blackmailed with a video and had to confront her and it wasn't the telling as much as how I know I made her feel. We now have a strap on, she has opened up to anal, she does finger me while I'm in her and its really refreshing and I can't help but think how things could even be better if I just told her and we experimented together and I told her I'd enjoy being in her with a guy licking my ass and such. Anyway, I say embrace it and let him be himself and I bet you'll end up being really close, just tell him to not do anything without you and to inlclude you.

 

[sixthson]

There is no way anyone will ever get me to believe that a strap-on will replace the desire for a man. No way!

Why do people keep quoting Dan Savage as if he is the final authority on all things gay?

 

[kelseym125]

Sex advice columnist Dan Savage would tell you first off that everyone should be willing to indulge their partner's fantasy at least once (provided there is no danger of physical injury). How do you know you won't like something until you give it a shot?

You said he didn't "lie," but "withheld" the information for several years. He did so because he was afriad of your reaction; that you would get upset and either 1. Scream, yell, and leave, and/or 2. You would pout and withdraw and otherwise emotionally punish him. And you admit his fears were proven true: You withdrew and are punishing him emotionally. He is recanting because you withdrew and he doesn't want to lose you.

It is time for a very frank talk. If you were feeding his fantasies before, you should apologize for getting wierded-out when he finally found the testicular fortitude to come clean about his past MM sex.

My wife knew about my being bi before we married. Did I tell her immediately? No, but it was fairly early on in our dating relationship. She seemed OK with it, but later on it caused problems (not because I cheated) because of HER insecurities.

To answer your last few questions: Yes - the MMF thing would be a huge turn-on for any bi-guy. Yes - you should try it with him (make sure the man you choose is also truly Bi so you get satisfied in the activity as well).

Noone can really answer for your boyfriend as to whether this would completely satisfy his need for male/male sex, but from my personal perspective as a Bi man I would respond with a big, resounding yes.

Thanks for all of the good advice! Just to clarify on this point...I very quickly came to terms and apologized for temporarily withdrawing, and explained "why" I thought that happened. I just hope he opens up again, and I've spent a lot of time making sure he understands I love him for who he is...all of him. The tough part is, I wish I hadn't reacted that way (I didn't do it on purpose to punish him by any means), but...it really took me off guard. I totally didn't expect to hear what I did or react that way. So, I keep trying to do my best. You're right, though. Thanks...

 

[kelseym125]

I am married and so wish I would have been more upfront on things. I ended up hiding and playing behind her back (just sex, no emotion), got blackmailed with a video and had to confront her and it wasn't the telling as much as how I know I made her feel. We now have a strap on, she has opened up to anal, she does finger me while I'm in her and its really refreshing and I can't help but think how things could even be better if I just told her and we experimented together and I told her I'd enjoy being in her with a guy licking my ass and such. Anyway, I say embrace it and let him be himself and I bet you'll end up being really close, just tell him to not do anything without you and to inlclude you.

I don't THINK I'll have a problem seeing him with a guy with the MMF thing...who really knows until they're there? However, I would have a problem with "outside" activities. Everyone's different, but would that have really kept you from stuff on the side, or would you have been just as tempted? Thanks...

 

[kelseym125]

Are you tolerating the MMF thing or are you into it too.. IF your not into it at all than in my mind it seems a little skewed....
Like tolerating something in bed is one thing. like roleplaying but bringing someone else into bed with you without you being into it for him seems wrong.

I know there is always give in take with a relationship but ultimately, Dont push yourself to far accommodating him in the fear he will cheat.. he either will or wont it has more to do with him than with you... sorry that was all a little jumbled i hope that makes some sense

Do you think it's possible he's not bi, but just adventurous, curious, and very sexual? What do you think? He's willing to try just about anything...I am, too. I think it sounds fun.

 

[BlondeCanadian]

Um.... im fair from the expert on this, I would say that it would depend on whether he is attracted to the guy or whether he is just attracted to the idea of another guy being with you......So like if he has strong opinions about who the other guy is and stuff it might indicate he is more bi i dont really know though

 

[HunterM]

Kelsey, Your fiance is one lucky guy to have you to be so understanding of his bi-side.

 

[jayamsterdam]

One of two things is gonna happen. Either you're going to let him try the MMF thing, or he's going to have a terrible urge to do so without you, one that will at the least cause him to want to cheat. Not saying that he will cheat, just saying that an itch that needs to be scratched is an itch that REALLY Needs to be scratched. It starts occupying your attention, and distracting you.

I've run in to many many examples where that itch that needs to be scratched, once it is, it's not an itch anymore. We covet the things we can't have, the begin to occupy our attention, and we get bored of the things we're familiar with. Allowing these MMF scenes can spice up your sex life so that your own sexual adventures stay fresh and new and exciting, and the familiarity of actually doing the MMF keeps that from becoming too exciting of a thought.

My take is, it's better to find out these things NOW, while he's still your fiance, instead of your husband.

Also keep in mind that there's a big big BIG difference between love and sexual desire. If you allow this to happen, and get turned on by it, he's more likely to love you for being awesome and understanding and wanting to share his desires with him. If you're a wonderful, lovable person (and I'm sure you are), he's not gonna stop loving you just because another man is helping him get his rocks off.

There's lot of couples that do stuff like this. It's way more common than you may think. It can really spice things up. If you're gonna lose him to another guy because you allowed that guy into bed with you two, you were gonna lose him anyway, but I judge that the opposite is more likely true, that' he'll want to stay with the loving woman who is open-minded enough to have serious fun. Cool chicks like that don't come along every day. He's lucky to have you and probably knows this. Confidence--the confidence to know that you can keep him even if you allow some sex play--is the sexiest thing of all.

I am bi as well and could not agree with you more. You are RIGHT ON the nose with your analysis!

 

[Rex]

For people in comitted relationships I think the threesome thing has more likely a chance of being disastorous than benefitting the relationship. One person in the relationship always ends up being jelouse or uncomfortable by it.

I just think it's good that he told you this before you were married but you seem like an understanding person, though if you do not WANT to be with a bisexual man you don't have to. If you feel like you deserve someone who's only into you and nobody but you than you don't have to stay with him, but on the other side of the coin this could make your relationship stronger because it seems like he's willing to be more honest with you and if you're accepting of him then he's less likely to cheat.

He is very lucky to have a girl who is understanding like you. I wish I could find someone like that.


I think this situation works better when both the man and the woman in the relationsip are bisexual but it could work for you. Keep us updated.