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bi guys the most homophobic?

E

evanrick

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so a few of my co-workers know that im gay or could guess that im gay...however i find them saying anti-gay stuff from time to time, even in my presence, or 'specifically' in my presence.

the thing is..i know the guys who usually say this stuff are either bi or bicurious themselves, and im not sure they realize what they are actually saying. another thing about it is they appear to like me and want to talk to me, i just cant get over the anti-gay stuff because i don't think i could trust being their friend when they have that attitude.

one co-worker i let live with me..he is generally accepting of my homosexuality and is bi...but he has said the most generalistic anti-gay things like "that is gay", gay jokes etc.

without any thought as to why it is wrong. it turns out i couldn't trust him at all, because he saw me as a 'lesser person'.

i will admit i can be sensitive, but yesterday one of my co-workers said something and im not sure what to make of it. he got a new piercing and said "evan would like it", as if i would like it simply because he knows im attracted to him. then he said he parked next to some "gay car".

has anyone else faced the same kind of behavior? what did you do in those situations?
 
Sounds like just figures of speech from what you describe, and they likely don't even think about it. Doesn't sound like deliberate attempts of insulting you, more like the way they've always talked.

I don't know where you got that bi thing though. First of all, most "bisexuals" are just semi-closeted gays anyway, and second - I've never heard anyone claiming they are more homophobic than others.

If you like any of those people, let them know it's offensive and that you can't really be friends with them unless they start being considerate of that.
 
a married buddy of mine and I would fool around alot and whenever we went out to the bars, we would sit at a table with other guys and talk about sports, etc. They all know I am out and gay. Occasionally, my "buddy" would be talking about some sports game or an athlete and he actually would say, "oh, hes so gay" or "thats so gay" or "what a fag" and I know hes referring to the sports figure in a negative way and probly doenst mean anything by it, but when he says that, I look at him like, "really??" And I think to myself, "if these guys only knew you took it up your ass last nite" I asked him once if hes gay, and he instantly says NO, I'm bi. like its a bad thing to be completely gay.
 
It's the same issue that I had before coming out. It's not liking men that's the problem, it's not being able to live a heteronormative lifestyle. That's why if a guy like that tells me he's bi I instantly assume he's a closeted mo. IF he's living a gay lifestyle and has some pussy on the side, THEN I'll take his word for it.
 
I can't believe you have all of those bi guys at work, evan. I only know one where I work.

As far as your situation, I think they just don't think when they speak.

Rolyo85 said:
IF he's living a gay lifestyle and has some pussy on the side, THEN I'll take his word for it.
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I totally agree.
 
It's just from people that are insecure: it's irregardless of whether it be sexuality, masculinity, or sense of self. Of course, it can go further with some, but those are the basis or root.

I find it most surprising that it is us gays that feel compelled to label others nowadays. Sure, give us a PRIDE month where families come to show "us" support, and we'll nitpick and find fault somewhere with someone, anyone anywhere!

Mr. Evanrick, I encourage you to trust your initial judgment or intuition, and if in conflict trust your invariable judgment. I am openly gay and get mixed signals all the time; I usually just categorize them as being social humor. Time resolves everything, even if just to the victor or fictor. I trust you.
 
Well I don't know if Bi guys are the most homophobic, they generally have nothing on Closet cases. Bi closet cases?

Bi guys can be the most insulting. Read any variation on "men are for fucking (and hiding) and women are for dating."

yeah fuck that.

I've known a grand total of 2 Bi guys in my life who were honest about it - and great guys. The rest (who didn't end up coming out as straight up gay) are fine fucking you on Saturday night, but aren't going to invite you over to watch the game with the guys on Sunday afternoon.

My generation had a plague of Bi gay guys, but my younger cousins say that things are different now? I don't generally hang out with 19 year olds so who knows?

Culture in general is far less homophobic than it was when I was a baby gay. So that's good news anyway.


syoBsUtsuJ the gay "community," is the only place that "don't label," crap gets any play at all. Straight people will label you faster and more vindictively than any of us - who generally let that "don't label," slide because we know what it's like to live in a closet.

The sad truth - or maybe not so sad, is that you are labeled by everyone, all the time and will be all your life. For a huge number of things.

Gay is just one label, and the men who run from it aren't running from the labeling, they're running from the gay.
 
Homophobia aside, you have at least three options. Ignore the comments. Comment on the comments. Ignore some and comment on the most egregious ones.
 
altlover85 said:
I can't believe you have all of those bi guys at work, evan. I only know one where I work.

As far as your situation, I think they just don't think when they speak.



I totally agree.
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ok some of them must be gay too....i know only two who have steady girlfriends but flirt. i can only guess what they are doing now, one invited me over to his house tonight to chill with the other guys. regretting saying no but i didn't know if a certain guy was going to be there.
 
hi Evanrick,

Somehow it seems to me that you are quite vague about yourself at your job, as you tell us that some of your co-workers know that you are gay, and that others will assume that you are gay. And the same with your ideas about your co-workers. There is alot of 'assuming this and that'.

I tend to think that things will be much clear when its obvious for anyone at your job that you (=evanrick) are a gay guy, and thatyou are totally comfortable with being an out gay at your job (similar like eg altlover85).

So then people don't need to give you 'vague hints' about some 'gay' / 'gayish' aspects (etc.). Would you mind to tell us why you are semi-open at your job?

Furthermore, I would like to advise you to follow some of the suggestions given by Seasoned. Maybe things will become clear to all of your co-workers when its also clear to them that you don't like certain comments.

Maybe you should take aside one (or a few) of the co-workers who made any of these homophobic comments, and tell him (in a very polite and a very friendly way) that you did not like these comments as you are gay. Likely they will change their behaviour, and likely they will also tell this to other co-workers, meaning most / all of your co-workers will be aware that you don't like such homopobic comments.

Anyway, just some thoughts. Feel free to react.

Take care & best wishes.
 
evanrick said:
ok some of them must be gay too....i know only two who have steady girlfriends but flirt. i can only guess what they are doing now, one invited me over to his house tonight to chill with the other guys. regretting saying no but i didn't know if a certain guy was going to be there.
Click to expand...

You sound like drama, quite honestly :p
 
Ganoderma said:
hi Evanrick,

Somehow it seems to me that you are quite vague about yourself at your job, as you tell us that some of your co-workers know that you are gay, and that others will assume that you are gay. And the same with your ideas about your co-workers. There is alot of 'assuming this and that'.

I tend to think that things will be much clear when its obvious for anyone at your job that you (=evanrick) are a gay guy, and thatyou are totally comfortable with being an out gay at your job (similar like eg altlover85).

So then people don't need to give you 'vague hints' about some 'gay' / 'gayish' aspects (etc.). Would you mind to tell us why you are semi-open at your job?
Click to expand...

It's work, not a dating agency.
 
Homophobes are the most homophobic. They just also have a tendency to have sex-sex feelings out of fear and insecurity of their own sexuality and masculinity. No need to blame happily identified bisexuals over it.
 
I'm usually irritated at taboos around certain words. I've even done research papers on the topic of curse words and I personally find the whole concept silly. I occasionally use the terms "gay" and "queer" sometimes even "faggot." But it's around friends who know I'm gay. I use the fact that I'm gay to jokingly find irony in situations, which I enjoy. It's all in jest, and also about "rising above" and disarming the terms. I want them to know I'm confident and comfortable with myself and don't want them walking on eggshells around me when they talk.
So they're not necessarily homophobic. Maybe they're doing it ironically? I think someone's sexuality should be no big deal (ideally unremarkable) and I think censoring oneself because of it is a way of making it an issue.
 
Rolyo85 said:
You sound like drama, quite honestly :p
Click to expand...

i have an awesome job - i just dislike seeing the hate. i know if i flat out announce to everyone that im gay, some will be less inclined to talk to me. and i fucking hate it when straight guys or women just assume someone is straight...just because...asking dumb fucking questions like "do you think shes hot?" then seeing the discomfort it causes someone who doesn't yet fully accept themselves. one of my friends never fucking gets it and says the most tactless shit, but he just doesn't get why its tactless. yeah in a perfect world there wouldnt be so much emphasis on this subject but we not there yet.
 
I am a bisexual male and I use those words and phrases all the time. It's not because I am ignorant of the history behind it... I just choose not to give those words power over me. To me, those words don't mean anything. Now you may say that I wouldn't know what it was like to be called them but you would be wrong. I went to an all boys catholic high school and got called every name in the book. I just chose not to care about the words and the people saying them. What's more? About 95% of my guy friends are straight and are accepting of me. They were all awkward about using those phrases around me but when they learned that I didn't care just used them in joking manners. It all comes down to whether or not you are willing to give those words negative meaning for yourself or just let them be words that don't mean anything and move on.

Last thought: Compare the "gay-bashing" terms to the "N" word for African Americans... They call each other that all the time and are slowly taking the negativity out of it. I just went to STL Pride and a ton of gays, bi's, etc. all used the term "faggot" to each other. Who cares what people call you? You are who you are and that is what you should remember.
 
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